Forever a Clone

I'm just a clone, talking away while nobody listens

Archive for the month “August, 2016”

Party

Have you ever noticed that the demeanor that you wake up with generally dictates the way the rest of your day will go?  I started noticing that about myself a while back.  Then again, a while back my life really sucked and I’d wake up bitter, pissed, depressed, angry, or a combination of a few or all of those feelings and sure enough the rest of my day would go to shit.  It was really weird.  I didn’t want to have a bad day but then I’d start to really notice the negative all around me and before I would know it I’d be caught up in it and I’d be just as negative.  I’ve always used comedy to liven up the mood or just be a clown, and I know that the majority of the really good stand-up comedians that have ever lived were pretty much miserable in their personal lives and would use comedy to get through their lives as well, but I have never had the guts, ambition, whatever you want to call it to write out ideas and try an open mic somewhere.  In it’s place, however, I have made a vow of sorts to myself to make every day a fun day.  A party, if you will.  That’s why if you ever notice my social media posts, I’m either making light of the comedy of things, being an idiot by hashtagging everything with thug life when my life is most clearly NOT anywhere near thug, and sometimes I tag party to it too.  Even you know me in real life, I’m always saying the word “party” as well.  I’m of the mind that you have to make your life a party.  What the hell, right?  Why not wake up with the intention of making every moment of your day fun?  Why not find the fun in even the mundane tasks?

I can tell you that having that mindset has helped change my life.  Sure there are times that are very few and far between where I’m not happy.  I can’t lie, I get lonely sometimes, I get bouts of sadness when I think of the bullshit that has happened to me in the past, if something annoys me I’ll go off on a rant about why that certain situation or whatever pisses me off, but mostly I’m all about making every day a party.  My negative feelings usually don’t last longer than a few hours or a night’s sleep.

With all that said, I think that after the recent adventures I’ve gone on, I want to expand on my happiness and start to really make an effort to do the physical activities that make me happy.  I want to go hiking more often, I want to go camping more often, I want to explore the places in the general El Paso area that I haven’t really explored before and take them all in.  I want to find the time and space to set my drumset up and play to my little heart’s desire.  I want to find the money to go out to one of the local golf courses and make more of an ass out of myself than I usually do on a daily basis.  I want to do all of those things because that’s what I like to call a party.  I try my best to tell everybody as my parting words “have fun” because that’s what we should all be doing.

So, what is it that you do that is brings the party to your life?  Do you do it often?  If not, I say you need to get on it, man.  Screw what other people think (unless it’s an illegal act, because all of that crap ain’t cool man.  Play within the rules, people.).  In the beautiful words sung by “King” George Strait on what’s become an anthem for my life “Here for a Good Time” (which are words I try to live by), “I ain’t here for a long time, I’m here for a good time.  So bring on some sunshine, to hell with the red wine, Pour me some moonshine.  When I am gone put it in stone, he left nothing behind’.  I ain’t here for a long time I’m here for a good time.”

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Acceptance

What does your self-image look like?  Do you like what you see when that mug looks back at you in the mirror?  I’ve asked myself that question recently and it wasn’t until just recently that I said “you damn right I do!”  I’ve learned a very important thing overall recently that I just briefly touched on with my last post which was acceptance.  I’ve learned to accept a lot of things in my life in the last 15 years, to be honest.  I think that now, finally, at the age of 35 I’m finally learning true acceptance.  And it’s acceptance of everything, you know?  Acceptance that there are assholes in the world, people who think selfishly, people who think selflessly, short people, tall people, fat fucks like me, people too thin for their own good, and people of every color.  I could go on, but you catch my drift.  I’ve always eyed people as equals to me, which pissed off a few because in my eyes I’m not better than anybody else and nobody is better than me.  We’re all the same.  The difference is now, for some crazy reason, I’ve finally viewed myself in the same light.

I used to have a bad self-image.  I didn’t like what stared back at me too much.  I was too short (not that rapper.  That dude is badass), I was too fat, I had lost pigment patches, and I could go on.  Now?  I happily don’t give a damn.  I was worried about those things because of what other people would think.  Is that going to stop me from eventually getting my fat ass back to the gym?  No.  But I’m going to do it because I like to and not for any other reason.  It’s a good thing I never had that self-image problem with the way I dress because I’ve always been one to fly all over the radar with that, so that will never change.  If people look at me weird because I have my cowboy hat and boots on one day, a suit n’ tie with dress shoes the next, and have a Steel Panther shirt on with cargo shorts and Vans on the next, that’s their problem and always has been.

It’s all part of my personal happiness thing that I have going on.  I really can’t pinpoint one thing that has triggered it.  It’s probably a combination of age, and the life experience that has come with it.  The more time passes, the more positive of an outlook that I have on everything in my world.  I know it’s off putting to some people, but I make it a point to always laugh, always have a good time, and to always look at the positive as opposed to the negative in all situations.  I will tell you that keeping the bad vibes out is the way to go.

So, I say to hell with what everybody thinks of you.  I say find the joy and happiness in everything that you do.  I say tell negative energy to kick rocks.  I say to make every day a party.  We only get one shot at this life (some people get that extra continue button thanks to modern medicine, but you know what I mean) so we have to make every day the best.  Who knows when baby Jesus will call our number.  I’m sure that your self-image will improve much like mine has.

If it makes me happy

I’ve had so many things that I’ve wanted to talk about lately, but I never seem to find the time to really flesh out the ideas to and of course life gets in the way so I forget what it is that I wanted to babble on about.  There is one thing, however, that has stuck in my dome and that is happiness.  Some of my best friends will tell you that I’m not happy, but I can assure anybody reading this right now that I’m probably the happiest that I’ve been in a very long time.  Things in my life have actually really come together quite nicely as of late and I’m finding my daily routine to be what I’ve really wanted for the longest time in my life.  It’s such a strange thing to say too, considering my current life situation, but holy smokes I am having a great time!

As most of you know, I’ve recently moved to the central area of my beautiful city, El Paso, and it has really been a blessing that I didn’t even know I was looking for.  Crazy to say, right?  It’s true though!  I’m 12 or so minutes from work, 10 minutes from church, 2 minutes from my gym (when I decide to get my fat ass back in there), and I’m 2 minutes from various grocery and big box stores.  Hell the big box store is in a mall that has some pretty interesting things too including an inferior pictureshow joint to the better Cinemark Theater locations here in town, but when in a pinch, that will have to do.  So, I say all of that to say that I have nothing to really complain about as far as driving goes because Lord knows I hate slow idiot drivers and I don’t have to deal with very many of them in my journeys now.  Good thing with that as well is that I’m not really using too much gas either, so I’m saving money there too.  All and all, it’s pretty freakin’ awesome.  My new joint is pretty chill as well and has really thick walls so I don’t have to have my music or movies at a whisper level because none of my neighbors can hear the noise and I can’t hear theirs either.  It’s pretty badass, to be honest.

So, I say all of that to confidently say that I’m just about the happiest I will ever get all things considered.  And by all things considered, I would be totally happy if my mother was here to see all that I’ve accomplished with my life.  I know, of course, that she is always with me in spirit, but it’s just not the same and I can honestly say that I will never truly be 100% happy without her here.

Now that I have made myself tear up a bit, I can get back to some of the things I’ve wanted to say about my journey to happiness.  Over the past few years, I’ve slowly discovered the people and things that bring me peace and happiness.  It’s been great to take the journey I’ve taken to find those people and places and I’ve learned so much in that time too.  I have our Lord Jesus Christ and the blessing that has been FSSP to guide me along my spiritual path.  I also have my small circle of close friends whom I consider family, my blood related family, and lastly I have the places outside of my personal space that makes me happy.  If you know me, you should know that those places are either camping out in a forest in the area, the greater Phoenix area, and of course Las Vegas.  Soon, I want to add going to San Diego to that list, but that’s another story entirely.

Funny thing about all of that is that for some of the people I hold dear, that isn’t good enough for them for some crazy reason.  I can’t understand why that is, honestly, but they think that I need to be in some sort of romantic relationship or in some friends with benefits agreement to fulfil a part of me that is apparently missing.  Actually, I was laughing at even typing that out because for as much as I would have loved to have that back in the day, I have learned to accept and adapt to the reality of the situation.  That situation is that the chances are highly likely that neither of those scenarios will ever happen.  Oddly enough, I am perfectly ok with that too despite what people may think.  Don’t think that I am coming to that conclusion irrationally though.  I have had a lot of time to think about it.

Hell, thinking about that now just puts a smile on my face.  What comes to mind, actually, is the thought of spending time with my close friends doing the things we love to do.  That’s what makes me the happiest.  Most of the time that just involves hanging out trying to make each other laugh while drinking various adult beverages, creating music, listening to music, or a combination of all 3.

I will add to all of this that when I am not hanging out with my friends, I really do enjoy the solitude that I have.  It’s beautiful to come home to a quiet place and do life at my pace.  My pace usually includes the first 30 minutes to 1 hour of quiet.  Then normally it’s podcasts or music if anything while I cook dinner.  I’ve never been much of a TV watcher and even now the only thing I’ll find myself watching is sporting events, mainly NASCAR (as you should all know if you’ve gotten this far in reading this post).  It’s a beautiful thing, peace and quiet.  The only downside is that I don’t have much time between getting home, making dinner, cleaning up the kitchen, and general recharging before I have to call it a night during the week.  I don’t mind too much, to be honest, as I’ve gotten used to not having time after work and before sleep.  It’s a good thing for me that I LOVE to clean because that takes up a lot of my free time too.  Funny thing about that is how surprised people are when they come to visit to find an organized place that doesn’t smell like bawls and booze.  LOL!  I’m a dude, but why expect some kind of slummy bachelor pad.  I guess they don’t really know me then!  I am very organized and a clean freak, which goes well with my other odd qualities.  Hahaha!

So I say all of that to reiterate that I’m happy.  I’m the happiest that I can see myself getting with everything considered, so I hope that the people that care can stop worrying about me.  I’m Kool n’ the gang and I’m having the time of my life.  I wake up every morning happy for what the day will bring and enjoy every minute of every day.

More to come later!

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