Forever a Clone

I'm just a clone, talking away while nobody listens

Archive for the month “October, 2016”

Attraction

Today is the eve of All Saints Day and I’m still buzzing a bit over another great weekend.  So many things to write about, but as I had alluded to before on Snapchat I had a great conversation on Friday night with one of my best friends.

It all started when I got into the conversation with them at one of our hangouts of who I thought was attractive and why friends of ours find the people they thought were attractive.  Apparently my brain really enjoyed the topic and it started to fire on all cylinders.  As the most common definition of attraction goes, it is “a quality or feature of something or someone that evokes interest, liking, or desire.”  Everybody zeroes in on one thing or another.  I happen to differ from the norm in this respect as well because the physical attributes of women are usually the last thing I even think about whenever I find myself attracted to one.  The features I find attractive are heart and intelligence.  I couldn’t care less about any of the typical physical features that most men drool over.  I need somebody that’s going to make my brain fire up its thought processes and be as passionate about the things I am.  I’ve also heard it said before and I’m a believer that one’s attitude and temperament plays a part in the overall attractiveness of a person.  I know of many physically attractive people who are just horrible on the inside and now I can’t even see the physical beauty of them.  Strange how that is, but it’s true.

Back to my desires though, I can honestly say that I don’t think that I’ve ever really dated a woman in my 20’s and beyond that had one or both the attributes that I like.  I thought they did at first of course, but in the end it was a ruse on their part.  Looking back, I can honestly say that I’ve never had one of those thought provoking conversations as I had on Friday night speaking about all things science, opinion, observation, music, and movies, aka everything with any ex girlfriend.  I think back and I’m wondering now about just how exactly I did communicate with these former significant others.  I can’t even tell you what it was we did talk about.  Ha!  How bad is that!?  That brings me to myself, I suppose.  What would I have talked about back then to them?  I’m sure it was music and sports.  Those were my main passions as they still sort of are, but my overall priorities have changed.  The world has changed as well in a way that I don’t feel like I have to hide a side of me that used to be a bit more ridiculed in the past.  I talked about it a few blogs ago, but it’s being a nerd.  I have always considered myself one, but I just never have really outwardly displayed it.  I’ve always been that idiot who wears bands, sports, or just outlandish and stupid t-shirts, but I’ve always thought of myself as being well versed in the book smarts on a handful of subjects that I find interest in.

Intelligence aside, I’m also big about having a big heart.  There are too many people out in the world today that aren’t passionate about who they are, what they do, or what they are interested in.  I find too many people these days that just don’t care.  They are just living for the next night out, the next paycheck, or the next item that will give them the attention they crave.  I find myself gravitating to two of Fight Club’s Tyler Durden’s quotes when he said, “You’re not your job. You’re not how much money you have in the bank. You’re not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. …” and “The things you own end up owning you.”  In other words, earthly possessions don’t impress me either and actually the desire for possessions of wealth are a turn off for me.  As Jesus says in Matthew Chapter 6, verses 19 through 24, “19 Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20 But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in or steal; 21 for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. 22 “The eye is the lamp of the body; so then if your eye is clear, your whole body will be full of light. 23 But if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light that is in you is darkness, how great is the darkness!  24 “No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and wealth.”

YOU CANNOT SERVE GOD AND WEALTH.

Take a minute to take that in.  Potential romantic relationships speaking, I don’t want to get involved with a woman who’s main concern is wealth.  Sure, in our world we have to have at least something, but in my eyes what I have, thanks to God, is all I need.  Sadly, in this day and age the mutual thought from the opposite sex is nearly nonexistent.  Wealth, flashy clothes, expensive cars, and a big house; all of those things don’t make my heart happy.  I’m passionate about the real things that matter.  Some of those things, for example, are the love I have for God, the love for family and friends, the love for the arts (music, movies, etc), and the love for knowledge.

It was great to have that conversation that I did with my dear and close friend on Friday night.  It woke me up and made me remember just what it is that I’m looking for in friends and potential relationships.  I must remind myself to not settle for anything less.  I want people that are going to wake up my passions and people who have their heart set on greater things than what is in this world.  I want to always feel that buzz like I did on Friday night.

Happy Daze!

It’s finally here!  My favorite time of the year!  October to March.  These are the months where the days go dark by 5pm and a chill is in the air.  Sometimes, 2 to maybe 5 times during this 6 month stretch it even snows here in the desert and holy smokes what peace that brings me.  Well, peace if it only lightly snows and I don’t have to drive because as the G.I.A.N.T.  Stone Cold Steve Austin can attest, we have the worst drivers in the nation and the idiots here get even worse when there is rain or snow on the streets.  It doesn’t help things that there are a lot of hills and valleys roadwise here so ice makes things extra fun, but anyway I’ll leave my rants for another blog.  This one is all about how excited I am about fall and winter.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love summer and all the fun it brings, but each passing year I’m finding myself more and more excited when the seasons start to transition into fall.  I love almost everything about it.  I say almost because I’m one of those rare people that has a real dislike for Halloween and everything about it.  I think a lot about my displeasure is religiously based, as Halloween came to be in modern times at least as some weird ritual to get dressed up and party, but since the mid 1700’s it’s been a time for Christians to prepare for All Saints Day and All Souls Day being November 1 and November 2 respectively and that’s what I prefer to focus on.  Anyway, the bastardization of it (if you will) gets under my skin.  Same goes for The Feast of Saint Valentine’s Day and The Feast of Saint Patrick’s Day, so I try to really keep a low profile during those days.  Anyway, October 31st aside, it’s all a big party for me.  I think I look forward to these days the most.  Well, maybe having a Vegas trip lined up or a camping trip lined up are on equal footing, but those days are different in their own right.

Back to fall, I really love how everything slows down and the holidays come about where generally families get together.  Oddly enough, out of the 3 holidays in November and December, I rank Thanksgiving 1st, New Year’s Eve 2nd, and Christmas 3rd.  You’d think Christmas would be it for me, and honestly, celebrating Jesus’ birthday is pretty awesome, but when it comes to everything outside of Masses, etc. like gatherings and whatnot, I have found that spending those times alone or with a select group of people has brought me the best memories when I look back on them.  I think it’s because I have had my routines for each day down for the past 5 or so years and being a creature of habit as I am, I look forward more and more to what those days mean to me.  Those are the days that I can just sit back and truly be reflective of the year that has passed by.  Thanksgiving, particularly for me, brings out some extra fun feelings because my day starts out getting my meal for that afternoon ready as the parade in New York City is happening.  Of course Santa Claus ends the parade and that signals the earnest beginning of the Christmas season.  I love that.  I like hearing Christmas music and seeing things decorated, but oddly enough I don’t decorate my own things.  Is that weird?  After the parade, of course, comes the football games and getting food drunk which is always a plus.  Everything about Thanksgiving is just awesome.  Like I said, I’ve been spending them alone lately, but you know what?  I actually prefer that.  I do my own thing.  I relax in my own way.  There’s no façade for me to put up, you know?

New Year’s Eve comes about the same way for me.  I work during the day and get home to take a nap so that I can stay up for the festivities.  Now, festivities for me generally aren’t the type of festivities one would think of when it comes to New Year’s Eve celebrations.  Mine, as my life generally, are really low key.  Funny thing too, is that I’ve been to New Year’s Eve parties before and been in the crazy places, but I have never had as much of a good time doing those things than what I have been doing the past 10 years or so.  You can usually find me on the various social media websites (Facebook, Twitter, and Snapchat) commenting on the world’s celebrations and/or sharing the views from my own little part of the world (which is pretty much watching the ABC, NBC, and CNN shows) while I have my usual foods and drinks.  Pizza, wings, beer, sparkling grape juice, AND for the finale champagne are on my menu.

All of it is just so much fun for me.  There’s no other time like it in the year.  The only other day that comes close to matching those two days is the 4th of July.  Same principals apply for me on that day.  It’s a nice way to get me ready for what’s to come half a year later.  So, bring on fall!  Bring on November and December.  Bring on Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s.  I can’t wait!

Weekend Update

Man, what a weekend I had.  Polar opposite days, but what else would you expect out of me, right?!  Haha!  I’ll start off with the good news first.  It now appears that the a-hole part of my brain that desires to derail my attempts at gym addiction has either been sucker punched and put to sleep or has finally given in.  Whatever it is, I like it.

I’ll start with Friday afternoon.  Instead of going with some friends of mine while they drank and spent money that I currently don’t have, I decided to put myself and my desires first (as I said I would) and got home to change into my gym clothes and spent an hour with my good friend the Arc Trainer.  It’s what I lost 40 pounds with the first time I was really serious about things and now I’m just as focused as I used to be, hell I’d even say even more so now, so that’s really all I wanted to do.  I get the chance to catch up with programs I stream on my phone and stuff too (which I know annoys some people, but guess what?  IDGAF!  Don’t hate because I can spend an hour watching something while I work out.  It’s what I do!) AND I burn the hell outta calories.  It’s beautiful.  Funny now that I think of it.  I wonder what the people next to me and behind me thought when I was catching up with El Rey Network’s show Lucha Underground.  Hahahaha!  I hadn’t gotten the chance to catch up with this season yet (I know!  Shame on me!), but I’m already just about 4 out of 7 episodes down!  Those 40-43 minutes of the best professional wrestling show out there right now (yeah I said it!) makes those hours on the Arc just fly by.  Considering that I’ll catch up with the current season within this week, I’m going to have to find something else to watch that will keep me just as entertained.  I’m thinking about action movies in the PG-13 realm since watching the shows that I do on Starz and HBO aren’t very friendly when it comes to public viewing.  LOL.  Anyway, tangent aside, it felt awesome to get in that hour right after work.  Yes, I dealt with having more people there, but thankfully it was kinda quiet.  I mean, who the hell would want to be at gym on a Friday night except for people like me?  Afterwards, I got back to the comforts of my apartment to get laundry done and that was just as therapeutic.  I’m so weird!  I find cleaning and doing laundry so much fun.  Yes, I’m one of those freaks!  So, needless to say, I had a fun Friday.

Saturday was pretty different than Friday night.  I still went to the gym as I promised myself I would and spent another hour with my homie the Arc Trainer while watching Lucha Underground, but after I got back home and showered wondering where the day would lead me, I got a call from one of the BFFs.  Homeboy invited me to go with him to his tattoo session and I told myself “Hell yea!  Why not?”  That ended up turning into quite the adventure.  As one would expect, the scheduled start time for the session came and went and it gave us the opportunity to visit a nearby bar.  Thankfully, the place that we went to serves Trooper (Iron Maiden’s beer), so I had a good time enjoying a few of those delicious beers in there.  The funny thing about that place was that I think we called out the bartender on her claims of being a nerd.  Hahaha!  She said she was all about geek stuff, especially Star Wars and whatnot, but once homeboy and I got into favorite Star Wars moments there were crickets coming from the other end of the bar.  I always find stuff like that funny.  I know she was just trying to impress us to try and get a bigger tip out of us, but that trick never works with me.  All I ask is for you to just be cool and keep the drinks flowing until I say otherwise and all will be cool, you know?  I’m under no illusions that you really do care or not.  I know that you don’t, so why play games like that?  Anyway, we had our drinks and went back to the tattoo joint and things got under way.  The artist that did the work on my friend asked if I had any work done and I said “no, not yet.” But I showed him what I would like to get.  He said it was pretty badass and long story short, it looks like the next time he’s in town I may just be getting that tattoo done if I save up enough space bucks.  I’m considering it my birthday/Christmas present to myself if I do have enough for it.  We’ll find out!  So, after the tattoo session, we were both on a victory high and our other best friend wanted in on the party and we ended up at this newer place here in town that serves primarily as a filling station.  People buy their own growlers and fill said growlers up with the beer of their choice and go on their merry way.  It’s a beautiful concept that is on the upswing everywhere.  I know of one that one of my cousins and I visited in Scottsdale, Arizona last year and much like everything else in popular culture, we get it last here in El Paso.  As my motto with a lot of other things, better late than never!  So, this filling station not only fills up your growler, they also serve the beers they have by the pint.  That’s what we ended up doing since they only had plastic bladder looking containers as they had run out of the glass growlers.  Who the hell wants those, right?  It worked out better anyway because we got the chance to try all sorts of different beer.  It was a lot of fun.  28 craft brews, all from here in Texas, and each one we had was delicious.  It was a party.  The end of the night was pretty awesome too because in our very odd way, we ended up watching Bob Ross on Netflix.  What possessed my friend to put that on, I have no idea, but we made a drinking game out of the show and we were at peace, yet laughing hard at the same time.  So much fun!

All of that fun and adventure brought along Sunday morning.  As per my customary actions, I woke up at 6am to get ready for confession and Mass.  I don’t know how I did it, but I didn’t even wake up sleepy.  Considering that I was up pretty late, I was ready to get my day going.  I started the day by watching an episode of The Joy of Painting with Bob Ross that is now thankfully available on YouTube and it put me in a very mellow mood, which worked out beautifully as I got ready for Mass. Mass itself was awesome and beautiful as usual, and I got the chance to talk to my good friend afterwards too.  That got me home a little later than I wanted to, but it still worked out as I knew I wasn’t going to watch any NFL action because my Dallas Cowboys had their bye week this week.  It allowed me to put forth all my attention to my favorite sport, NASCAR, and the elimination race from Talladega.  The two Talladega races have become my favorite races of the year because they are so unpredictable!  I had 3 hours from the time I got home to the drop of the green flag, so I had all the time to make myself breakfast and relax.  I think I relaxed a bit too much though because all I wanted to do was nap.  I ended up passing out on my couch for about 2 hours and 48 laps into the race!  I woke up to Martin Truex Jr’s engine blowing up, and from what I understand I didn’t miss anything before that.  The race was as crazy as I thought it would get, but sadly a driver I really don’t care for won the race.  Boooo that!  I still got in my football fix for Sunday by watching Football Night in America, so I didn’t feel completely left out, but soon found myself watching the sun set and the time for me to get to bed rapidly approaching.  I got myself to bed with just enough time to pass out and still get close to the 8 hours of sleep I need before 3am this morning came calling.

Overall, it was a very good mix of solitude and the company of loved ones.  Man, I only wish that every weekend was like that.  Maybe more on the solo deep side, but I’ll take what I can get.  This week has already started off on the good side as I made my way to the gym at 3:20am. I could have given up midway through the hour, but the words of CT Fletcher were ringing in my ear.  Gym pain just means that you’re working and pain brings results.  That’s not to say that certain pains, like very odd pains in my right knee (thanks to the buckle tear in my meniscus and torn ACL 16½ years ago), I won’t ignore, but general soreness and whatnot?  I can’t let that stop me.  Hell no!  I must work through those to keep on my goals.  I think I’m well on my way.  Things can only continue to get better from here.  I hope y’all have a great week too!  We just have to get through this week/weekend and November will be here before we know it!  I can’t wait!  Not only because I very much HATE Halloween and everything it has become, but also because that brings about my favorite 2 months of the year.  Oooo!  Looks like I have an idea for my next blog.

A Lot of Tomorrows

Today in my little world, I have a happy thought to share!  No frustrating thoughts at all.  I promise!

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So!!  I’ve always been one of those weirdos who is interested in futurism.  I’ve loved every aspect of it, especially retro-futurism and retro-futurists.  Not that I’m anywhere near the biggest Disney fan out there, I can honestly say that my favorite area in the Disney parks I would gravitate to would be Tomorrowland because it was Walt Disney’s vision of what the future could be that always got my imagination going and honestly still does.  Sadly the film inspired by the park kinda let me down as there wasn’t enough time, in my opinion, spent in the “real” Tomorrowland.  Damn mouse!  Tricked me into renting that movie and keeping me in Presentland!  Hahaha!  At least I have movies like Back to the Future II, Star Trek (the entire series, etc…), and shows like Westworld which just debuted and I’m hooked on to see future events!

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Anyway, besides that, I’ve always found magazines like Popular Mechanics and the like that give articles on what is being developed and what could be developed so fascinating.  That curiosity lead me to run a quick google search on futurism and what people thought and some of the theories have blown my mind.  There was one dude who thinks that some nanobite type of things we’re creating now could be inserted into our brains and after that we could/would be able to upload our thoughts into the cloud and download ideas as well therefore giving us all shared knowledge.  How crazy is that, right?  Another website gave a timeline going from the recent history, shooting past the current time, and going all the way until the possible end of the universe which happens to be beyond 10100 where according to scientific theory, “The last remaining black hole has evaporated.  From this point onwards the universe consists only of photons, neutrinos, electrons and positrons – with no way of interacting with each other.  The universe continues to expand forever… but is essentially dead.”  10100 years in the future is wayyyyy too far for me to even think about but what is predicted to happen really just trips me out.  That last sentence really struck home with me too, “The universe continues to expand forever… but is essentially dead.”  Damn, right?  All energy is just gone.  Darkness.  Nothing.  How tripped out is that?!  Not that I’m thinking of the end, or end times or anything, but that thought just gets me.  For every alpha there is an omega.  That’s just the way it is.

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I know I’m not going to live longer than maybe another 80 years or so which will take me to around 2090, but man would I love to see what’s going to happen in our immediate future, like into the 24th century.  What’s going to become of us as a species?  I’m really hoping that the people who have a thirst for violence and war find a way to go away and we live in a harmonious, peaceful society.  That would be cool, wouldn’t it?  We can only hope and dream that it happens.  Hopefully our descendants get their crap together and figure out that violence, hatred, and evil aren’t the answer.

Caged Rodent

I’ve had my eyes pried open in the last 16 hours.  Honestly, it’s been longer than that but yesterday was the last straw.  I’ll admit it.  I was pissed off.  Mainly at myself.  Hell, I still am.  I’m such an idiot.  For more reasons than I can count.  I won’t share all of them here on my blog because I would rather keep some of my disdain to myself, but I know that sometime in the past few weeks I managed to hit bottom and I didn’t even realize all of it or rather put full thought to fruition until this morning.  Knowing that really got me in a salty mood too, which thankfully for the people I’m interacting with, I’m keeping it under wraps.  It’s all smiles and jokes from me, as per usual.  I should go to Hollywood with some of the acting skills I got.

The good news about it all is that I acknowledged the things that have me pissed off and bitter and I’ve started the work to get those thorns in my side the hell away from me.  What has me frustrated is that I put myself in this position in the first place.  I keep asking myself how I could have been so stupid, then I remember just who the hell I am, and I find my answer.  You’d think after 35+ years I’d learn, right?  WRONG.

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So, this vicious cycle has come to another full revolution and I’m finding that I’m starting to turn the damn wheel yet again.  The difference this time is that I’m going to look at my situation like an addict and not like some jackass with all the hope in the world looking far down the road.  I have to take things day by day.  As long as I wake up and stay on the path I’ve set out for that day, then I can’t lose.  Enough of this “setting goals for a week, month, year, etc” crap.  That’s just going to set me up for failure.  I gotta wake up and do what I need to do for that day and feel good about that, crash out, and repeat.  As long as I do that and see the results that I’m looking for, I can’t lose.

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Riding Brain Waves

Isn’t it funny how the mind works?  Dreams, in particular, as I’ve blogged about on 3 previous occasions have always brought me a prospective on life that I either don’t notice, or actively try to avoid.  Most of them either deal with frustrations in my life, or other emotional things I happen to be dealing with at the time.  This morning’s dream was no exception.  My brain gave me that swift slap upside the dome that has me thinking about the ways to approach my life.  Thanks to the dream interpretation website Dream Moods and talking with some friends of mine, we have determined that my natural action of always putting others’ in front of myself is affecting my needs to the point that my subconscious is dropping hints like the girl that it is.  LOL!  Sorry to sound misogynistic, but y’all know that stereotype that women always dance around the issue instead of just putting it on Front Street, right?!  No?!  Maybe?  Uh…Heh…

Anyway!  Yes, my brain and subconscious are tired of me not tending to my needs first.  The primary need in my dreams that my brain is asking for is to be reenergized.  What’s also become apparent is that I keep going around in circles in certain aspects of my life (which is very true by the way), and my time is running out.  In all fairness, everybody’s time is running out, but you know what I mean.  I keep getting sidetracked from my goals because I don’t have the balls to tell people that I need to put myself first instead of doing whatever it is people ask of me.  It’s that guilt I have of letting others down that is screwing me over.  I know I’ve been crying out in the past few blogs about how my introvert-ness has finally gotten the chance to spread its wings and whatnot (and oddly nobody in the real world that I interact with believes me), but with that comes the need to recharge my proverbial batteries by staying home and/or keeping to myself.  I also need to get my ass back in the gym and because of the fact that I’m running on empty, I’m finding that sleeping the 8 hours that I devote to sleep during the week just isn’t cutting it.  I’m waking up every day just mentally exhausted and thus physically tired too and since the gym I go to is all crazy and packed (and therefore not a fun time for me) during the afternoon/evening I am not going to the gym.  My need for sleep is outweighing the need to lose weight and change my lifestyle.  I suppose it’s coming to a head now.  I need to put my foot down and start doing things for myself.  My only hope is that the people that I interact with in the real world here in El Paso will understand that I’m going into hiding pretty much.  I have to do it.  If not now, then it will never happen and I can’t let that become reality.  Call me selfish, call it a dick move, or call it what you will, but I need to think of myself first for once in my life.  I just hope and pray it goes the way it needs to go.

Quotes! The Final Chapter

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Quotes! Day 2 of 3

some food for thought:

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Quotes!

So, Bittersweet Turns tagged me in a Three Day Quote Challenge, so i figured “Why Not” right?!  So, here goes!

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Motivation

Something else I don’t understand: motivation tapes.  Motivation books.  What happened here?  Suddenly everybody needs to be motivated?  It’s a fairly simple thing.  Either you want to do something or you don’t.  What’s the big mystery?  Besides, if you’re motivated enough to go the store to buy a motivation book, aren’t you motivated enough to do that? So you don’t need the book!  Put it back.  Tell the clerk, “Fuck you!  I’m motivated!  I’m going home!  I’m going home.”

  • George Carlin

I need to lean on George a little more, man.  I’ve been having a problem lately involving motivation.  Motivation to do pretty much anything, to be honest.  I’m feeling mentally burnt out and I can’t pinpoint what it is that is causing it or what exactly can bring me out of it.  Maybe it’s the fact that I still feel like I’ve been overexposed to the outside world and haven’t gotten enough time holed up in my apartment away from the outside world.  Maybe it’s the opposite and I need to surround myself with my friends a bit.  I don’t know.  Personally, I’d choose the first option.  I think that I just don’t get enough time to myself.  Mostly, it’s my fault.  I’m always putting others’ needs in front of my own.  Nobody really understands that I just need to be left alone the majority of the time.  I know that sounds selfish and mean of me, but it’s something that I have really discovered even more in the past few months.  Then again, my problem is being too empathetic to everybody else’s feelings.  I don’t want to let people down or be perceived like an asshole by not going to the place I was invited to, so I always find myself stretching my sanity thin to please others.  It sucks, man.

It’s really affecting me throughout my entire life now.  It’s gotten to the point this week that I get home from work and I’m finding myself anxious to just get to sleep and not wake up until I have to get up to go to work in the morning.  Gone is the desire to get up to get to the gym.  Gone is the desire to keep up with the organization of my kitchen.  Gone is any desire to do anything but just go through the motions to get to the next day.  It’s not who I want to be and it’s starting to get annoying now.  Maybe I should get my housework done during the week since I’m not getting up for the damn gym anyway to allow myself to have a Saturday to do nothing.  If I don’t do that, maybe I should turn my phone off and do my housework and then keep the phone off all day or until I feel better later on in the day.  I need something and at this point I’m grasping at anything that will help me out.

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