Forever a Clone

I'm just a clone, talking away while nobody listens

Archive for the month “February, 2016”

Happy now?

I’ve been meaning to write down some thoughts lately, but no time has been made to do so until now. It’s relatively early in the evening and as i type this, i have two hours before the time will come to call it an end to another day. I’ve had yet another wild set of months with more changes that i could have even imagined. That’s what life’s really about isn’t it? Changes. For as much as change bothers me, i can admit that i like where the change takes me most of the time. This latest change involved my mental health and sanity. I put myself into a situation recently where i could save what was left of my brain that i didn’t already drink away or just hope that i wouldn’t stroke out midday and leave people wondering what the hell happened to me. LOL. Seriously though, i came to a point in my life where i had to decide whether or not to take anti-anxiety medication to get through a day, only to get home and want nothing to do with anything at all and just crush some booze in a dark room for a minute and go to sleep, or give myself the help i needed to get my ass back on track and actually enjoy the slightest bit of sunlight every once and while and toss the pills into a cabinet for absolute emergency uses only. I chose to help myself and give myself the help. It wasn’t easy, let me tell you. It was one of the hardest things i’ve ever had to do, but i did it. My damn shyness and refusal to disappoint people sometimes gets the better of me, but sometimes it takes the dramatic to kick my ass into gear and do what’s best for me and not what’s best for other people. Anyway, with all that said, i’m in a much better mental state now and now it’s been a journey to get my physical side up to par with the brain. That’s another story completely. I’m still having a hard time doing that, but i know that i’m going to get that squared away sooner than later.

With that change in mind, i started to think about really giving my brain a little bit of a vacation to go along with the loss of stress. What i’ve really wanted to do since about fall of last year was to really ramp up my camping instead of always making my way to Phoenix and Las Vegas to get away. Not that Phoenix or Vegas has fallen out of favor with me, but i’ve felt that i’ve needed just solitude, peace, and quiet away from everything so that i could just decompress. What better way to do that than to escape to one of the national forests in the area with all of the camping gear, food, and beverages i’d need for a weekend by myself to just relax, think, and hell maybe even write something if i get inspired enough. The thought alone of doing that excites me. I’ve really started to accept that aspect of myself that i’d rather be alone or with a small group of friends. Not that i’ve ever actually sought out the large groups, but i’m not ashamed or embarrassed or whatever to say “no, i’d rather not go out to ________. I would rather stay here in the peace and quiet with this small group of people whom i care about, thank you.” Nothing against the people who feel compelled to go out every weekend and find new things and new people to talk to, but it’s just not me. Good or bad, it’s not. LOL. I love and cherish the people i have in my life and when new ones come in, i welcome them in just the same, but it’s not anything that i desire to actively seek to feel some sort of gratification from. I know, i’m weird and anti-social, but what can i say? I like where i’m at mentally and i love the people i have in my life now.

Maybe it’s the age thing that’s finally getting to me. I’ve already been told at least once recently that i have an old soul. The person who said that was right. I do, but to go along with that old soul are things feelings of settling in for the “what is” in my life. Part of that is accepting who i really have grown into being and what the rest of my life is going to turn out to be. I may be sounding like i have some sort of horrible life, but i’m actually quite content with it and i have very little desire to change much of it, healthwise not included of course. Maybe that’s what happens when you hit your mid 30s. That’s when you slow down a bit and get a broader picture of life and realize that it takes a little bit longer to recover from those insane boozy benders of days past. You get tired more often, sore after doing things more often, and stuff that you thought was fun back in the day is just kinda silly to you now. At least that’s how i’m seeing things now. I’ve come to points in my life where i have to realize some ships have already sailed. The things coming up on the horizon aren’t all that bad without those things too when you really come down to it. Some of those dreams weren’t ever in your cards, but damn did that ship look pretty real in that mirage on that water ever so far away. That’s how i’m seeing life now. I’m getting prepared for that next big phase of my life with matured focus and clarity. What that next phase may bring, i can’t be certain, but i know that i’m going into it with all of the reasonable hope that i can possibly take with me. As long as i go into it with the hope that i will have all of those people whom i love and cherish with me along for the ride, that’s all i can ask for. I just have to continue to focus on my relationship with our Lord Jesus Christ, and getting myself better in the health department and the rest will fall into place. I know it. I’m happy right now. Genuinely happy for the first time in a long time. I’m happy for what my future holds. We’ll see what that future brings!

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