I Missed the Exit

What a crazy week this one has been.  I’ve been feeling like I needed more introvert battery recharging than usual the whole week, which has been odd.  I haven’t had the negative feelings associated with it, however, which is a good thing.  I just have noticed that I really have been enjoying my alone time more than usual.  Maybe cherishing it is the better term because as I think and type this out that’s the word that is coming to my head as a better way to describe how I’ve felt.  I think I started realizing it Monday afternoon as I was in bed watching a movie on my phone at around 6pm.  It came to my attention that there was nobody asking me to do anything, nobody to say what a piece of crap I was for “wasting your life away” in bed.  Screw that!  I wasn’t in the mood to do anything else and I love the dark serenity my bedroom gives me.  Similar thing happened Tuesday as I got home and got right to watching a film on Vudu.

Anyway, I say all of this to tell you of a strange thing that happened to me yesterday afternoon.  I ran into a cousin of mine (2nd or 3rd, I can’t remember but it’s down the line) whom I haven’t seen in about 26 years.  After a bit of general small talk, dude asks me, “So, what about you, man?  Are you married?  Do you have any kids?” Internal me answered him with, “Shiiiiiiiiiiiit dude, if you would have only known the hell I’ve been through relationship wise, you’d understand.  Sweet God…” then I really answered him with “No dude.  No kids, never married.” His response was pretty funny because he immediately got this shocked look on his face and answered as such with, “NO?!  Why not?!” Again, I thought of even worse self-deflating complete lack of self-esteem and self-worth responses but instead I answered him with the short, short version of why not with, “Ah, man.  Well, all the girlfriends I’ve had were just horrible and evil and I’d rather not deal with that shit, you know?  *further stumbling of words followed here*” So, the quick conversation continued and he went on his way and I got to thinking about things, comically of course, about just how my life has turned out and why.  I made jokes about it on Snapchat when I got home and thought nothing more about it and enjoyed the rest of my afternoon.

Just this morning a co-worker of mine and I were talking about the cycle of life and how there have been studies he’s read about how our lives are generally in the shape of a U.  We start off happy as children, dislike a lot about it during adulthood, and then end up happy before we die again.  For the most part this is true for people.  That’s not to say that there are people who are generally happy and never experience that dip in demeanor, etc.  but I would say with some sense of confidence that each of us experience displeasure of some sort once we get into adulthood.  Homeboy went on to tell me a few related stories about how he’s been accompanying his girlfriend to doctor’s appointments and school functions for one of her daughters and he was having a weird time with it since, like me, he has no children of his own.  It was like he was speaking for me when he said that he feels like somewhere he messed up by being middle aged but not having kids.  There are people in our age group who have kids anywhere from elementary school all the way to college staying busy with different school functions, medical appointments, etc., and all the while he’s been just living an existence that does not involve any of it.  He, and by extension me, wonder what’s the norm?  Are we the lucky ones to not have to have dealt with or still deal with all the responsibility that goes into parenting?  Or are we the failures for not living the typical life of a late teens to early twenties human by getting married and having kids?

Personally, I have no problems with parenthood.  I’ve been with women with kids and I’ve been in situations where I was falsely identified as the father of said kid, and it didn’t bother me at all.  I found it comical, actually, but never was or will I ever say “I never want to be a dad!  I don’t want kids!”  It just hasn’t happened yet.

With that said, I’m going to keep on keeping on living this solo deep life with a very organized house, a sleeping schedule that my friends with kids and/or spouses don’t understand (they don’t understand the freedom I have), and doing the things that make me happy like barricading myself in my apartment and limiting human contact.  Hahaha!  If I somehow talk or stumble my way into a meaningful relationship, cool.  If not, that’s cool too.  I’m already too old to worry about it anyway.  Gotta keep on keepin’ on, my friends!

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See you (in) September

 

Holy smokes!!!!!  Hey y’all!  It’s me!  I’m not dead!  (well, if you’re reading this on Twitter or Facebook you’d know that already)  I can’t believe it’s been since the end of July since I’ve checked in.  A lot has happened since then.  Another summer is in the books, even though it’s still in the upper 90s temp wise, I can already feel the turn of the seasons beginning.  Another opportunity for camping, hiking, and outdoor sports adventures is pretty much gone and I did very little of any of it.  Sadly.  It always happens too.  I always say AND tell myself too that “I’m going to go camping more this year, dude!”  and “Man!  We gotta go hiking like twice a month or something!” and every time I watch PGA majors I say “That’s it!  I gotta get my fat ass back on the range to make sure I can still half assed hit a golf ball!  That way I can go out to the course and play and not look like a complete asshole out there!”  Nah.  Didn’t happen this year.  And again, I find myself saying “Well, that’s another summer gone.  Damn.”  We only really get a few of them to do what we want, you know?  Sure my summers as a kid were a blast!  Full of bike riding, playing outside, and general mischief with my friends.  My summers from age 18-26 were an alcoholic blur at best, and for the past 10 years I’ve been really trying my best to take them in and enjoy everything that I can.  I know once I get older I won’t be able to do as much as I would be able to now, and I’ll probably be indoors somewhere doing other stupid things.  I know me; I’ll find a way to be dumb.  So, I try to take advantage of doing the outdoors thing while I can.  I failed this year though.  Hahahaha!

What I’ve been doing this year instead of spending time outdoors is trying to get myself to get on this self-improvement kick that I should be on.  I’m not talking about just getting my ass back to the gym, but I mean all around self-improvement.  I’m finding my days are spent trying to psyche myself up to start getting my shit together and they fade into my designated bed time and the vicious cycle repeats again.  I only really have Saturday to sleep in and wake up to the outline of light coming through my blackout curtains, but aside from that I am up early either to go to work or to go to Mass so that really messes with my need to relax and decompress, so I’m sure that has a lot to do with it.  There’s so much that I need to work on.  As I just mentioned, my time management sucks.  I also waste a lot of money on stupidity because of my time management and laziness, so I need to get that straightened out too.  Speaking of wasting money, I wanna try to cut down on my booze consumption too.  Not because I have some sort of drinking problem, but just because drinking costs a lot of money, even if you do it like I do, at home!  I guess writing this out tells me that the main problem is getting even more OCD with my time and schedule and the rest should fall into place.  It will happen, I know it will.  I’ve already started my journey down that road.

Speaking of road trips, I just came off a wild month of two road trips across the great southwest recently and the last one was very introspective.  There were conversations that were had that really made me realize just how weird I am.  This is what I mean.  As some of you know, I am damn near militant when it comes to the organization of just about everything and I LOVE to have a lot of my life planned out.  I need to know the next few steps in life before I make a move.  I’m really cautious about things.  That is probably 50% of why I still roll solo deep.  Hahahaha!  Funny thing though is that the things I let slide, I really let slide.  For example, one would think that I would listen to music either by album, or at worst by artist only right?  No.  Not only do I not do that, but I prefer to listen to music on shuffle/random.  Let those cards fall where they may.  I love the fact that a Metallica song may be followed up by Duke Ellington, then Tupac.  It’s nothing out of the ordinary to me and I actually look forward to the chaos of strange musical bedfellows.  I do the same thing with my television watching.  I cannot binge watch shows.  I just get too bored, I guess.  I usually have at least 3 or so shows on rotation in the middle of various seasons on HBO GO, Starz, and Netflix.  I can’t just devote countless hours to watching multiple episodes of one show.  I’m as eccentric with those whom I call family and friends too.  I have always hung around with people from all calls of life.  From the nerds, squares, cholos, band geeks, metalheads, and everywhere in between, I’m friends with all.  I think I’m just a living contradiction to be honest.  I say all of that to say that I really tripped out my best friend during our 20+ hours on the road to and from El Paso discovering, or rather, realizing all of these things.

So, here we are at the tail end of September.  Fall is coming up on us which means short days (thank God), colder weather, and the holidays!  I can’t believe this year is nearly over!!  Where has this year gone?  What have I actually done this year?  A lot, when I look back on it.  I explored more than I thought I would, I saw a few of my favorite cities, and I now I’m gearing up for a big milestone birthday in December.  I really can’t wait for that either.  Before we know it, 2018 will be here and we’ll start the party all over again.  Let’s get at it, peeps!