So, another week has passed and I seem to be doing well at the gym. This year of transition that I am going through seems to be going well. With that said, a fact of my life has somewhat boiled to the surface thanks to Anthony Soprano and his son Anthony Soprano Jr. See, to keep my brain busy while I spend an hour with my good friend The Arc Trainer at the gym, I go through different series on pay channel apps. I’ve watched Carnivale, Magic City, parts of Black Sails (which I will return to), and now I’m going through The Sopranos. (SPOILERS) I’m currently on season 2 at the point where Tony escapes the murder wrap for the kid who tried to kill Christopher, but while pissing his boots full, he realizes that if he gets locked up, he’ll never see his kids grow up, etc. The bad thing is, is that he isn’t really proud of his son. AJ is a lazy dunce for all intents and purposes, so he is basically detached from his father. The episode that I ended at, “Bust Out” finally shows Tony and AJ bond at the end of the episode on the family boat (more like a freakin’ yacht, but you get my drift) and credits.
Well, there I was at 4:30 in the morning just finishing up my hour on the arc as the credits started to roll and I started to think about my situation. I often do, I must admit, but this time it really got to me. I started to question if my father views me as a failure and a dunce. I mean, hell, look at me?! I don’t think that this is what he envisioned 34+ years ago on that beach near Oceanside, California as he and his buddies celebrated with a keg on the beach listening to Beatles tunes (to try and feel better about John Lennon’s death as it occurred 17 hours before I decided to crash the pity party) after learning the news that I showed up. I should mention that he wasn’t here in El Paso when I was born because he was enlisted in the United States Navy and was stationed at Camp Pendleton. Anyway, I don’t think this is the way he thought I would turn out. The future was bright back then. I could have been anything. I could have been driven by the things that drive normal people… money, sex, the need to party and be part of some group that does that noise, general views of success, whatever. I’ve never been concerned with any of it to the point that it’s made my life unbearable, but I’ve never closed the door to it and joined a religious order either. LOL. Instead, I find myself living a very quiet life with no ambitions to be rich (which is a good thing if you are a true believer in Christ, btw), I lead a very quiet life, I’ve essentially given up drinking, I don’t have any desire to HAVE to be out somewhere on my days off, and thanks to my crazy drinking and partying days during my entire 20s I’m stuck living there at his house for at least the next year. He’s the one living his 20s again now that my mom has been dead for 6.5 years.
With all that said I questioned myself again this morning and nearly cried on my 10 minute drive home from said gym session. Am I a failure to my father? Will our bloodline end with him because God knows the chances are slim that I’ll ever have children (and that breaks my heart too)? Does he think I’m a pussy because I have no desire to party? Added to that, am I a pussy because I’d rather just listen to podcasts and read up on stuff that educates me? Even worse, is he ashamed because I am really trying my best to live a traditionalist Catholic lifestyle (which is pretty difficult to do in this world, I will tell you) and he’s just a lukewarm (if that) believer in Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ? I’m nothing like the people he sees and hears about that are near or at my age… Partying all the time, banging peeps with reckless abandon, living life without a care in the world. I’m not like those people and I pray to God that never end up like one of them again. Well, granted I couldn’t “bang with reckless abandon” if I was the last man on earth, but you know what I mean! None of that drives me and never has. Did he want that for me? Does he still? Does he think that I’m a loser because I would rather stay at home than waste my money at time at some stupid bar?
I can tell you that I’ll never find out because I will never ask him, but I will say that it does bother me sometimes like it did this morning. I suppose I can only be what I feel God wants me to be. He’s set me on this path and all I have to do is strap in and go along for the ride. I have no worries about where my life will take me, but I do feel sad for the things that never came about. Then again, we shouldn’t dwell on the past.