I think i’m losing my mind

Well, curiosity has gotten the better of me as of late.  I want to see if I can look like a severe health issue struck me, much like it did with Reverend Gonzo once upon a time.  I’ve already been going to the gym consistently since around October, with the exception of the few days before and after Thanksgiving, the same for Christmas, and when my POS back decided to be a bastard 2 weeks ago.  I’ve also been attempting (not well, mind you) to rock out a low carb diet, as this is the method that has worked with me to lose the weight.  Now, I’ve added another instrument in this experiment of mine.  I’m using the MyFitnessPal app on my Vibrant.  For those that don’t have this thing, it’s pretty insane.  This app tracks your meals of food, water consumption, as well as any cardio work and strength work that you do.  It does some more shit too, but overall, this damn thing is quite evil.  I’m sure this is definitely going to help me out, and with the use of this madness, I can’t wait to really put boots to asses, as Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson says it.

So, here’s the plan… My day is going to start at around 3:35am, I’m going to show up at the gym by 4am, rock out 30 minutes on the elliptical, get home, eat a meal of breakfast food, get ready for work, at lunch walk 30 minutes, then after work do 20-30 more minutes of elliptical and add some weights.  Sounds like I got hit too hard upside my dome, huh?  Not only that, but I bet you’re wondering what the f word is making me do this…

Well, I’ll tell you this.  It’s a mixture of two things.  Spaceballs 2 is one of them.  I’m going to be joining up with a weight loss contest at my ol’ man’s workplace that will pay me a gangload of cash money for losing the most.  Secondly, I’m pretty curious to see how I look like a twink.  ROTFL!  Ok, I fucked myself up with that shit, but seriously.  I haven’t been thin and whatnot since I was around 7 years old.  That was 24 years ago.  That’s a long time to fuck around.  I figure it’s about time to see how many people I can terrify when they see me again for the first time, much like what happened to me with Gonz those few years ago. 

So, with that said, I’m going to start my journey in honest starting today.  I have to take it easy at the gym as we’re going to play a show tomorrow night, but I’m already planning on making up for it by doing at least 30 minutes on the elliptical on Saturday and Sunday.   I’m also sorry to make this blog entry as a fucking fat club, biggest loser, whatever you wanna call it blog, but I thought I might as well talk my shit here so that you can bust my bawls if you find me fucking up on this schedule.

What do you think?  Am I insane?

Welcome to the REAL world

So, Lunchbox, T.W. McMeatwhistle, and I were at the gym this afternoon, as been the usual lately, when T.W. and I filled in the conversation we were having at work about playing at a venue here in town to Lunchbox, it was brought up that I am a Negative Nancy/Debbie Downer.  Of course, in quick fashion, I cooked up a response as per my custom, and attempted to explain myself.  It didn’t go over so well, or rather it fell on deaf ears.  See, what some people perceive as being negative, I see as being a realist and seeing shit for what it is.  Call me crazy, but this is not a happy world we live in.  Life sucks.  That’s the fuckin’ truth, my friends.  I don’t see how some people can’t see it.


I will admit, some people have it pretty fuckin’ sweet.  I’m not going to be dumb and say they don’t, but the majority of people aren’t so lucky.  I happen to be at the bottom of the barrel of the unlucky.  That’s the way I see it, because that’s the way it is.  Why bullshit myself?  I have too many examples to count to back up my argument.  It does nothing but cause more pain when reality comes knocking to remind myself of the reality that is life.  I hope you don’t take what I’m saying like I’m suicidal again or that I’m feeling sorry for myself and want pity.  That’s not it.  I’m just saying that I know my place in this world.  I’m not a leader.  I don’t think I inspire anybody, nor do I want anybody to blow shit up my ass and try to inspire me.  I keep my head down, and keep on moving.  I see things for what they are.  If that means I don’t try and pretend that something will happen if I hope hard enough, then so be it.  I’ve learned ten times over… fuck hope.  LOL.  Funny to me, and true.  Again, I’m just going through with the motions and trying to keep in the shadows.  I know my place.  I just try and use the time I have and bury myself in the things that make me happy.  Stuff like music, podcasts, movies, daydreaming about things I’ll never have, and lusting to holiday in my favorite places keep me happy… not the hand that was dealt to me in this world.  I suppose that’s how I bullshit myself now that I think about it.  Who knows?  Maybe I’m the idiot.

starting again just to fail in the future

Have you ever actually noticed or cared about the difference between want and need?  I never really had until talking with my sibling yesterday.  We’re both fucked in the cash flow department and essentially the shit really came down to wants and needs.  Sure, there are a lot of things I want, but there are more important things that I need and thanks to the things I’ve wanted and gotten, I’m fucked now with the things I need.  Ain’t that about a bitch? 

Last night kinda opened my eyes to start fresh again… with everything.  I’m done spending bullshit money.  Hell, aside from my birthday celebration, I’ve already been doing that for months now.  I have no choice.  I have to start doing this shit to dig myself out of the nice hole I’ve dug for myself yet again.  Good thing for me, I’ve grown older and somewhat wiser.  I really don’t go to bars anymore.  In fact, I can honestly say I fucking hate the idea more than I used to when I would go to them.  Why the hell am I going to spend a shitload of money to get drunk, be around assholes I can’t stand (hipsters, douchebags, popular people, mexi-guidos, etc…), and listen to shit “music”, when I can have a way better time buying booze cheaper, staying at home, listening to music I deem to be good, and if I get wasted I’m already home.  Can’t beat that shit, if you ask me.  Then again, I’ve always been like that.  I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again.  Aside from when I hit up Phoenix and/or Vegas, I’m pretty much an antisocial hermit.

This brings me back to wants/needs… As I was talking to brother (she’s actually my sister, but I call her brother.  Long story) about the bad ass Tony Lama boots I saw at the factory outlet that thought that we had just talked about hit me.  Sure, I want those boots, but do I need them?  No.  Furthermore, when the fuck would I wear them?!  I don’t fuckin’ go anywhere.  By choice, I don’t, by the way.  I’d buy them just for my own enjoyment.  To say that I have them, I guess.  In short, that’s a stupid reason to buy something like that.  I guess I could wear them to work and show up Twinkie McMeatwhistle.  LOL.  But, no… I don’t think I’ll get them.  Instead, I’m going to get back to righting this fucked up proverbial ship of mine again.

It’s nothing but a struggle with me.  In the immortal words of one Calvin Cordozar Broadus, Jr. “If it ain’t one thing, it’s the muthafuckin’ other…”  Once I try and get back on a good financial footing, I find a way to fuck up.  I start going to the gym, and without fail, some part of my body breaks down and I have to stop going, but I pick up the bad habits that make me have to work twice as hard there.  It’s frustrating.  I’m stuck in this vicious circle, but for some dumb reason, I keep trying to fight out of it.

Now, my resolve is to get back to the gym starting today… fuck my dumb back.  I don’t give a fuck if it’s sore, or in pain, or whatever.  I have to go back.  My other resolve is to not spend as much money on bullshit that I don’t NEED.  I think I’m going to do good… at least I hope to.  And hell, if not, I’ll be sure to be bitching about it here… where nobody but myself reads this shit.

Thinking back…

So, Gonzo and I walked at lunch the other day, and while walking and talking a thought occurred to me.  I really don’t have clear memories of my past.  And no, I was never kidnapped, pretty much the majority of my life is traumatic, and I’ve never been in a coma… So what is it?  Could I have drunk all of my memories away?  Hell… maybe.  Does anybody else have this problem?  It kinda sucks, to be honest.  I had a pretty cool childhood and teenage life.  I mean, i know that the family did roadies to California twice to check out the House that Walt built, Knotts, and Universal.  I don’t remember a solid memory of any of that.  Worse yet, i was between the ages of 8-11 when these trips happened!  Worse yet, i really don’t remember much from my trip to DisneyWorld during the christmas holiday of 1997 either.  I remember bits and pieces, but not a whole lot.  In writing this now, I really don’t remember a lot of things, even recent shit.  Could i really have drunk my memories away?  Hell, if that’s true, that really fucking sucks.  Well, wait… there’s a lot of horrible shit in my life that I’m glad I forgot.  No names and times mentioned.  heh.  I really gotta make a better effort to try to remember more significant things and people in my life.