thoughts i had today

I haven’t put my thoughts to pen & paper/computer word processor in a while, so bare with me.  Also, I apologize in advance if you happen to read this and decide to talk shit.  I’m not writing this for you, even though I’m publishing this.  I’m doing this for my own sanity for a lack of a better way to put it.  That, and if you are reading this, that means that you give enough of a fuck about me to be kinda curious, so bare with me.  Sometimes, I have the need to vent out my emotions and thoughts and this seems like a pretty good way to do it.  So, here goes.


To say that today, Mothers Day, is a pretty fucked up day for my dumb ass, is an understatement.  With my mom being gone now for nearly 4 years, today, the day she passed, and her birthday aren’t very happy days for me.  Sadly, each year that passes does not make things easier.  Funny enough, they are equally as sad.  There’s a lot of things that I wish my mom could be here to see, and well, things that I’m glad she hasn’t… like my “life reboot” last august as I’ve named it.  How hard would it have been to tell my mom that I had done absolutely nothing good in my life, I was a complete failure, and had no desire to live anymore.  Not fun, huh?  That would have broken her heart.  I guess it’s good for my living family’s sake that I sought help before I could really go through with my plans.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m still a complete fuck up, but with the help of prescribed drugs and friends, I’ve made peace with myself and I’m slowly but surely trying to get better.  As you all know, there are a lot of days that the discontent, depression, and rage blast their way out of me and take over and I turn into even more of a self loathing asshole.  I’m sorry for those times, by the way.  Honestly, I should type this shit out and try to prevent those eruptions.


Anyway, back to the good shit… Really, the only good thing going on right now is having friends and family around.  I was reminded of that this weekend.  I spent Friday night with my two best friends, and yesterday I got to hang out with my nephew, Little Dude.  That kid has been my guardian angel.  He’s the real reason I didn’t off myself last year.  I couldn’t leave him then.  Hell, I can’t leave him now.  He’s all I got.  Considering the fact that odds are I’m not going to have kids of my own, I’ve pretty much got him to corrupt.  Haha.  He was only 8 months old when my mom passed away and even at that young age, he knew he had to make his mother, grandfather, and uncle smile when there was no other reason to.  Truth be told, he’s never stopped.  And yes, he’s a stubborn kid, but I can’t help but to love the punk.  He had his years of despise for me for some unknown reason, but thankfully the last year or so, he’s all about wanting to hang out with me.  I love being with him.  He’s the light of my life.  He’s the reason I get up each day.  Every day I get to hang out with him is a blessing. 


I was reminded of that when I took care of him for a few hours yesterday and even more so when we went to visit my mom at the cemetery today.  It sucks to think that he never really got to know his grandma.  He knows who she is from pictures, but he’s still too young to realize that when he goes to this strange place full of people and music that he’s going to see the place where his mommy’s mom is buried.  He sees us cry and hug, but doesn’t know why.  He just figures that he’s gotta cheer us up somehow.  Sure enough, that’s what he did a few times today.  That kid is so silly.  Haha.  I decided to kneel down and touch my mom’s headstone and talk to him a bit, and of course I started to cry a bit because I wish my mom would have been able to see her grandson grow into the crazy kid is he now… and out of nowhere, freakin’ Little Dude picked up a fake flower and fling it over his shoulder.  I don’t know why, but the way he did it was hilarious, and there I was again smiling and laughing at this kid.  He noticed it so he kept doing it because he knew that it was cheering me up.  God bless that kid. 


So, there, I made a promise to my mom, like I always seem to do when I go to visit her…  I always promise her to do better with one thing or another.  My promise to her today was to be a better uncle to Ethan (that’s Little Dude’s real name.  haha!  I never call that punk by his name unless I really need him to get out of potential trouble.).  I’m going to start to take this kid out to explore different things on Saturdays.  That way he gets to see stuff, I get to bond with him more, and his roommates get a break.  It’s what my mom would want.


So, back to today… Today was a really strange day.  I bet there’s not very many people like me around.  Who the hell else is anti-social by nature, have lost their mother, and has no spouse/significant other to spend these made up holidays/celebratory days with?  Not very many!  I had to take advantage.  All of my friends were busy spending the day with their kids, or mothers as well as they should have.  Me?  I wanted to be left the fuck alone, and that I was.  Yeah, I felt sorry for myself.  Fuck you.  I think I have the right to, by the way!  With that said, even though I’m too broke to, I decided to go see a film to get my mind off of my self loathing, etc.  I’m glad I did.  I got things to make a meal of food out of afterwards then came home.  My ol’ man was asleep, so I hung out.  By then I was in a better mood.  Getting away from my life kinda does that.  I forget about the clusterfuck and put all my attention to things that make me happy.  It’s better than any drink or drug.  Sadly, my father and I don’t see too much of each other anymore.  That’s a long story that I don’t care to share, but when he came downstairs, I tried (in vein mind you) to tell him of my day, but he was too much in a hurry to leave and really didn’t pay attention.  Typical for me though.  Honestly, there are not too many people around that really listen to me.  It’s all good, I made myself dinner, and felt compelled to get up to my room and start to type this out.  I had no idea where it would go, but here I find myself.


I’m keeping that promise I made to my mom today.  As well as a few other promises I’ve told my mom I’d do.  I’m going to stick around and be a better uncle to Little Dude.  I’m going to continue getting my life straight, and most importantly, I’m going to keep on keepin’ on.  For what?  For Little Dude.  What kind of asshole would I be to leave him, right?  There’s things I still need to show him, like how NASCAR is awesome and Chevy rocks/Ford sucks, WWE is badass, trains are cool, golfing is fun, hiking and camping are an adventure, and different styles of music are all beautiful.  I may never have anything or anybody else in my life, but that’s all good.  I’ve got him and that’s fine with me.  He’s my purpose in life.  When he grows up and doesn’t need me around to help him out I can bow out and go out and lead the life of an agoraphobic.  Until then I gotta keep on keeping on.