One Hundred

One hundred.  Wow.  I never thought I’d write one hundred blogs on my page, but yet here I am.  It’s hard to believe that still here writing my silly musings after so long.  Actually, I’ve been meaning and wanting to write about different things, but I had been holding out trying to make this post special, but right now I’m thinking that I’m just going to let my mind wander and see what comes out!  Apologies if I go a little astray.

I have been thinking back to November 5, 2011 when I first started posting here on WordPress and at that time, I was really just coming out of my suicidal episode and I was needing a positive creative outlet to let all of my energy free.  Mind you, I had already been blogging on MySpace (remember that, kids?!) and Facebook for a while before that, so writing wasn’t new to me.  Little did I know then that this little blog of mine would help get me through the many lows and the very few highs in these past 7 years.  I had no real direction for the blog and I still don’t now.  I like to write about the current events in my life or the world events that give me an emotional response and I thank you all for taking those few moments every post to read through it.

With all that said, we’re in the last 3 days of October now.  WOW.  Where has this year gone?  This has ended up being another year of change for me.  So much has happened this year.  It started off with a pretty cool New Year’s Eve impromptu get together with my sister and her family at my place, then quickly turned into a crazy 9 months of family medical drama that really tested not only me, but the bonds of my family.  I don’t feel I’m at too much liberty to talk about it other than to say just about that much.  Aside from that, though, I’ve had a pretty good year.  I’ve met new people and spent time with the people that I already love and cherish, and I actually took a vacation for the first time in years to an area that I’ve wanted to go and revisit since I cancelled my trip post near suicide attempt 7 years ago.  Since then, I’ve been settling into a new routine that allows me to finally have a free day so that I won’t go crazy and get into one of those overwhelmed bad moods.  Overall, I think everything is coming up Milhouse.

Now, as I look ahead to what’s coming up I’m getting really excited.  I know that November is going to fly by, especially with the two extra days off I’m getting thanks to holidays, then December is going to be an action packed insane month for me.  First off, even though I didn’t want to do anything for my birthday, my heterosexual lifemate and I decided to have, what we’ve coined “White Don” to celebrate my day of birth.  We’re gonna have White Russians (one of my, if not the all-time favorite cocktails) and mimosas made with the cheapest sparkling wine we can get and Donald Duck Orange Juice.  It’s gonna be awesome!  Then the following week, we’re going on a cross country road trip that one could only imagine about.  We’re flying out to Baltimore, Maryland then driving back to El Paso from Annapolis, Maryland making stops in more than likely Columbus, Ohio so that we can pay our respects to “Dimebag” Darrell Abbott and where he was murdered (a quick stop as it were), then overnight stops in St. Louis, Missouri and the DFW area before we make the homestretch back across Texas to our little spot on the map.  Some other cities are in the works there too, and in total we’re going to drive through at least 13 states on our journey.  I cannot wait!  Then the following week, Christmas arrives, then the New Year arrives and we start this crazy thing we call life all over again.

Speaking of life… funny how it works sometimes, right?  I’ve had a lot of happy moments lately that have made my days constantly brighter.  For one, my brother from another mother and his new bride had their first child earlier this month.  I still remember my eyes swelling up with tears when he told me earlier this year that they were expecting.  He’s such a good dude and it makes my heart so happy to know that not only did he find a wife, but now they have a child.  He’s gonna be an awesome dad.  I just know it.  I’m dying to meet this little dude too, but since they live way up in the greater Salt Lake City area, I’m not sure when I’ll be able to meet my new nephew.  Of course he’s not my real nephew by blood or marriage, but I consider my friend a brother and I’m taking on my uncle title with him with pride and love as I do my own two crazy nephews.  Another bright spot that’s been shining on my life lately is the remembrance of the bonds of close friendship that I have with a number of people in my life.  Just this past week, I got the chance to spend time with a friend of mine who I don’t get to see much since she lives in the DFW area.  That doesn’t change the fact that we have a very close bond and I mutual feeling of deep love and genuine friendship that even thinking about right now makes me feel warm inside as I thank God for having her in my life.  Being with her recently reminded me of just how great having true friendship in my life makes me feel.  Added to that, I’ve been having great conversations with other friends for whom I hold deep love and affection for lately as well so overall I’ve just been in a great mood.  I just hope that by sharing it and feeling good right now I don’t jinx it.  Fingers crossed, y’all!

So, there it is.  100 posts and I’m glad that this one is a positive one.  That’s what my life is now, really. I’m living a positive life with a few sprinkles of sadness mixed in just to give it some counter balance.  I’m glad it’s turned more positive than negative.  It’s taken me a while, but I think I got it now.  Here’s to another 100!  We’ll talk soon!

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Passed Over

Hey y’all!  I hope your weekend was restful.  It’s hard for me to believe that October is already halfway through.  I’m so excited for the continuing change of seasons and the holidays to be here.  I got a little bit of a sneak preview here over the weekend and into today with a very rainy, cloudy day on Friday and cloudy day on Saturday.  It was nice to have cool temperatures and overcast skies for once.  I actually ventured out on Saturday afternoon to do a few things.  I went to get a new reed diffuser and felt really out of place at the joint I went to get it at.  I think I was the only male there that either wasn’t working there or wasn’t dragged there by their significant other.  It made me feel a little out of place, well more than I usually feel.  After that victorious trip, I made my way over to the Cathedral in town to confess, and I confess that I was about two weeks late on confessing, and made my way back home to get laundry done.  I spent the evening playing a video game online with friends on PlayStation 4 then ended it watching part of the great film Blade Runner 2049 before I found myself passed out on my couch.  It was definitely a full day.  Sunday brought along Low Mass, a great talk with a friend of mine whom I haven’t seen in about a month, and a full day of NFL games and the NASCAR race from Talladega (which is one of my favorite tracks on the circuit).

For as much as it was a great and relaxing weekend, I found that I was feeling a little… what’s the word… forgotten.  It has occurred to me that I am the only person in my circle of people who isn’t doing something every second of the day.  To go along with that, I tend to only get conversed with whenever it’s convenient for the other person to reach out to me and now it’s starting to bother me.  I feel like going Sith Lord with it actually and start questioning why I bother trying to maintain relationships with people anyway, especially those whom I feel are more than just a “oh I can make them laugh, so they keep me around” people.  Now, I know I’m the awkward one and the difficult one by not wanting to spend every free minute of my life at some stupid bar, club, event, whatever, but that’s because I don’t feel the need to be around people so much and especially at places like that.  I want to be at a place with people whom I can have those connections that go deeper than just the surface and the small talk subject points to hit on.  Every time I feel like I’ve found a new person like my best friends are to me where we talk about real things that matter to us, I get brushed aside as if I didn’t even exist at all.  Sure, I try and initiate the conversation but only a few times until I feel like I’m bothering said person then I stop.  There’s a beautiful image that I saved on my phone a few days ago that pretty much describes how I feel.  It says:

“INFJ:  I automatically stop trying when I feel unwanted.  I won’t reach out to you if it’s not being reciprocated.  I don’t beg.”

I don’t beg, but I sure do get annoyed with the whole thing.  I know that I care too much about the people in my life.  What’s annoying to me is that they don’t care back.  It’s a strange thing.  Even my best friends are like that, but we have a different kind of relationship.  I know they are around and we’ve known each other so long that we can go periods without talking, or in the case of one of them, I see them almost every day, so we never lose touch and always have something to talk about.  I know it’s my fault for wanting more than a “oh, this dude is cool to hang around with when we’re at the (insert place outside of your domicile here)”, but I can’t help it.  Large crowds drain me and so does having to be at a damn public place all the freakin’ time.  What’s so bad about having a cup of coffee, bottle of water, whatever other beverage while we sit and talk about what really matters every now and again?  I love having conversations like that with my friends.  It’s what I crave.

Maybe I’m too real for people who don’t really know me.  I know for sure that I’m way too lame because I don’t need to be out somewhere doing something.  I always wonder what’s so bad about these people’s homes that they have to spend every waking minute out of it.  LOL.  That’s totally not me.  It’s hard for me to understand people like that.  Oddly enough, my old man is one of this people that I trip out over.  Grandma and I always talk about how crazy it is that my dad can never just stay home and relax.  Dude always has to be somewhere else, yet he says he’s tired a lot.  Go figure.  Don’t get me wrong, though.  I’m not a complete shut in.  I like to go to the occasional place.  I’ll hit up the pictureshows to watch a film!  I’d love to hit up a park and kick it there and talk gazing at the beauty that God gave us as it surrounds us.  I love to kick rocks and go to bigger cities around me and explore them.  I love to visit museums and National Parks and not just do a fast walk through, but to actually stop, read, and learn about things in them and enjoy the experience.

Maybe I keep looking in the wrong places for people to share this experience we call life with.  Maybe I’m just too damn weird.  I don’t think I’ll ever know, and stupidly I’m going to keep the door open for people to take me for granted.  It’s the least I could do.

An Outlet

Hey y’all!  I’m back with more thoughts from this ol’ dome of mine.  I just had a nice long weekend thanks to one Christopher Columbus and having that extra time gave me a lot to think about.  I also refreshed the look of my page here for the first time ever, but I figured 7 years with the same layout was a good run.  I tell you, I’m not good with change.  LOL!

First of all, and quickly, I’ve decided to be even more regimented than before and I think it’s actually working out for me quite nicely!  After a few years, I’ve finally gotten tired of wasting my one true day off on Saturday by either having to clean, do laundry, or be committed to go anywhere.  I’ve been making it a point to clean my joint up and do laundry on Wednesday and Thursday to give me Friday night to start my 1½ days of freedom.  Now, funny enough, when I mentioned my entire week (Monday gym, Tuesday Grandparent’s Day, Wednesday/Thursday Clean and Do Laundry, Friday & Saturday let the chips fall where they may, Sunday Mass then NASCAR/NFL) to some friends, they shook their heads in shame.  For some reason, they can’t comprehend the fact that I am very structured.  Not only do I have my designated days for things, but I try to go to bed at the same time every day and it’s early at that, so even more reason to get ridiculed.  What can I say?  I need that structure in my life.  It makes me happy.

By allowing myself to have those 1½ days of freedom between Friday afternoon and all day Saturday, I gave myself the opportunity to catch up with some programs on Netflix, HBO, and Showtime.  I had been wanting to watch Kevin Smith’s and Henry Rollins’ respective specials on Showtime for a while now and when I finally did get around to watching them, boy did they give me even more sadness about myself.  I’m trying to use the right words too, because maybe sadness isn’t quite it.  Regret, maybe?  I don’t know exactly what it is, but I’ll try to explain here.  As I’m sure I’ve mentioned in previous blog posts, I have a very needy creative mind.  I’m a musician, and if it were up to me, I’d also probably be some sort of public speaker, creative writer, something!  I feel the need to express myself via those two art form mediums pure and uninterrupted, and that’s why I’ve had this blog for 7 years running now.  I don’t get paid for writing it, but it soothes that creative itch to share those expressions that feel they need to get out of me.  Additionally, yes, if you are seeing this blog post on clonesn.wordpress.com and not the wordpress reader, that mic’ed up drumset is mine.  That was taken the last day I played them which was Memorial Day Saturday of last year.  It goes without saying that I desperately miss playing music.  It’s not really my fault that I haven’t.  Life has gotten in the way of my bandmate’s and I’s schedules and the band has taken a backseat.  I’m free now, but they really aren’t so that’s left me with this unscratched itch to play in a band.  The thing with that is that I need to play music with people that I know.  I just can’t play with complete strangers.  I need to know their musical likes, dislikes, and style of playing so that we can see if we’re compatible.  I know it sounds snobbish of me to say, but that’s the truth, so I don’t want to go to Guitar Center or Craig’s List or somewhere and try my hand at auditioning for some band or to form a band myself.  Maybe if things get bad enough, I might resort to it, but I don’t know yet.  Anyway, while watching Henry Rollins’ special, he told the story about his band, Rollins Band, opening up for Ozzy Osborne somewhere in Florida in the early to mid 1990s and playing for a crowd of roughly 25,000 people.  I don’t want to ruin it much for you, but something about the story struck me.  The thing that made me think was that Henry has now purposefully retired from music.  That, I learned from his latest appearance on The Joe Rogan Experience podcast, but in any event, Rollins at one point in his life played for a crowd of 25,000 people and even though they didn’t really cheer for him anywhere near as loud as they cheered for the headlining act, he got a response and loved every minute of it, but now finds himself not wanting to keep that dream alive.  He says that he has nothing else to say lyrically.  I find that insane to believe, really.  How can you not write songs about the experiences that he has now traveling the world gathering stories to speak of on his “talking on stage” tours?  Maybe he gets the same rush from the hundreds to a few thousand people he gets at the venues he gets booked at, and that’s cool, but to me the rush you get from playing music has to be different.  You’re speaking a universal language where somebody who doesn’t even speak English can understand the music you’re playing and their energy combines with yours to create even more emotion and musical expression.  I know, I’m getting too deep here, but my point is that hearing that story of him playing got me sad that I haven’t every had that experience in a rock band setting.  I’ve played for a few packed houses of a few hundred people and I can still tap into that feeling and crave more.  It got me wanting to play my drums and get people to connect with either me or a feeling inside themselves and right now I don’t have an outlet for that.  I guess sadness is the word I’d describe how I feel about it.

I finished Henry’s special and went on to Kevin Smith’s special.  Now, for those who know me in the real world, you know that I am a big Kevin Smith fan.  I was really looking forward to seeing this Showtime special for a few weeks now since it’s come out, but it was only until this weekend that I actually had the time to do it.  I wasn’t disappointed.  The one message that Kev always tries to put out on any of his numerous podcasts and now this special is that anybody can do what he does.  Everybody has a talent.  Chase your dreams!  I hear this every time and I say to myself “Hell yeah, man!  You’re right!  I should write more!  Play more music!  Make more people laugh with the stupid things I say!  Something!  I have these creative gifts, I should freakin’ use them!”  And well, here I am!  I figure this medium will be the closest I’ll ever get to going up on stage and talking about my life and maybe hopefully inspire somebody to follow their dreams or save them from ruin with one of the many stories of my life.  My feeling of needing to help those who are in need of a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on, and ear to beat, whatever, is out there.  I’m gonna follow what Kev told me and do this.  If all I ever do is connect with you, then that’s good enough for me.

Thanks for taking the time to read my post!  Until next time, y’all!

What is Love?

2 blogs in one week?!  Oh yes, my friends!  I feel compelled to talk about something else that’s been on my mind a lot as of late.  I feel very uneasy to admit this because, frankly, it’s not something that I would have found myself saying even 5 years ago, but I’m finding that I am becoming a very conservative person.  Dun DUN DUN!!!!!!! Yes, I know!  I am a sellout.  I am becoming everything I hated, but alas it’s true.  I should clarify and say that I don’t go around throwing around the word “liberal” or calling people “liberals”.  No, those people are assholes.  I have no shame in saying that.  I don’t go around judging people based on their ideals… well for the most part I don’t.  The thing I do do, however, is live a conservative lifestyle and I have been for about the past 3-4 years.  Sure, I have my moments of stupidity every now and again where I let things get away from me and the way I am choosing to live my life goes by the wayside, but those moments have been few and far between.  I’m trying to live a true Catholic lifestyle and let me tell you this… I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my adult life.  I feel like I’m finally getting things right in my life, you know?

Ok, so you’ve gotten this far.  Don’t freak out on me!  If you know me in real life, let me assure you that nothing has changed.  I’m not going to treat you any differently than I have before.  I’m not, as what some people (me included on occasion) blast out, a “holy roller” or a “Jesus freak”.  I may, in fact be those things, but I don’t act them out as to be an attention whore either.  My favorite passage in The Bible happens to be Matthew, Chapter 6.  It’s really the foundation for my beliefs.  If you’ll indulge me:


Concerning Almsgiving

6 “Beware of practicing your piety before men in order to be seen by them; for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven.2 “Thus, when you give alms, sound no trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may be praised by men. Truly, I say to you, they have their reward. 3 But when you give alms, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, 4 so that your alms may be in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you.

Concerning Prayer

5 “And when you pray, you must not be like the hypocrites; for they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, that they may be seen by men. Truly, I say to you, they have their reward. 6 But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you.[a] 7 “And in praying do not heap up empty phrases as the Gentiles do; for they think that they will be heard for their many words. 8 Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him. 9 Pray then like this:

Our Father who art in heaven,

Hallowed be thy name.

10 Thy kingdom come,

Thy will be done,

    On earth as it is in heaven.

11 Give us this day our daily bread;[b]

12 And forgive us our debts,

    As we also have forgiven our debtors;

13 And lead us not into temptation,

    But deliver us from evil.[c]

14 For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father also will forgive you; 15 but if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

Concerning Fasting

16 “And when you fast, do not look dismal, like the hypocrites, for they disfigure their faces that their fasting may be seen by men. Truly, I say to you, they have their reward. 17 But when you fast, anoint your head and wash your face, 18 that your fasting may not be seen by men but by your Father who is in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you.

Concerning Treasures

19 “Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust[d] consume and where thieves break in and steal, 20 but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust[e] consumes and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21 For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.

The Sound Eye

22 “The eye is the lamp of the body. So, if your eye is sound, your whole body will be full of light; 23 but if your eye is not sound, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light in you is darkness, how great is the darkness!

Serving Two Masters

24 “No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon.[f]

Do Not Worry

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you shall eat or what you shall drink, nor about your body, what you shall put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 And which of you by being anxious can add one cubit to his span of life?[g] 28 And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin; 29 yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O men of little faith? 31 Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the Gentiles seek all these things; and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things shall be yours as well. 34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Let the day’s own trouble be sufficient for the day.

Footnotes:

6.6 This does not, of course, exclude public worship but ostentatious prayer.

Matthew 6:11 Or our bread for the morrow

Matthew 6:13 Or the evil one. Other authorities, some ancient, add, in some form, For thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory, for ever. Amen.

Matthew 6:19 Or worm

Matthew 6:20 Or worm

6.24 mammon: i.e., riches.

Matthew 6:27 Or to his stature


 

I’ll give you the short meanings of each topic.  First off, don’t let anybody know of the good deeds that you do as in order to get praise.  Secondly, when not attending Mass, pray in private, man.  God will reward you there.  If you want the attention and people knowing that you pray to show them just how good of a person you are, then that will be your reward.  If you want a real reward, keep it to yourself, man.  Oh, and while you’re at it.  FORGIVE or else don’t expect to be forgiven when it’s your time to ask for it.  Oh yeah, and that thing we call money that we want to flash out to everybody so that they can see how badass you are?  Good for you.  Our time here is just temporary, man.  If you wanna party for a fraction of a second here, go ahead.  If you want to be invited to the real party, you’ll keep your stash in your savings account that you can’t access until you check out of this place first.  While we’re at it, you can’t serve God and seek to gain all the monies either, dude.  You gotta choose which one is more important to you.  Choose wisely, by the way.  And lastly, be cool, man.  God’s got you.  If you love him, he’ll never let you down.  He knows what you need to survive and you’ll have it.  Chill out.

That’s why I don’t wear shirts about religion, start conversations about religion, or blast these Christian pop songs.  Actually, to be honest, those “praise and worship” “Christian rock/pop” or whatever people want to call it is actually almost offensive to me.  Don’t get pissed off, let me explain.  As a Catholic attending a FSSP parish, I’ve been further exposed to Gregorian Chant.  Chant has been Holy Mother Church’s music for about 1,300 years and as my previous blog attests to, I live by the motto of “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.  To me, if you want to sing about God, He already gave us the music to play.  Leave secular music where it belongs… outside of the church.  I know, it’s just my opinion, but I got my reasons behind my opinion.  Actually, now that I think of it, an argument can be made that pop music for Jesus could go against the teachings from Matthew Chapter 6 that I just mentioned.  In any event, I don’t partake or listen to any of that nonsense or make it known unless asked that I’m versed in my faith.  I try to lead as much of a pious life as I can and know that each day that I do a good job at that, I’m one step closer to having a shorter term in purgatory when my number is called.

With that all said I have also made it a routine to visit Crisis Magazine which posts 2 long essays a day about various topics.  The authors of these essays brief biography is posted after each essay to let the reader know of their history and background to also solidify the fact that they do indeed have some knowledge about the topic they happen to be writing about.  Some of the essays, however, are still a bit much for me.  Mainly it’s the ones that blame the “liberals” or the Democratic Party (they use the terms interchangeably) for the faults of society as we know it today.  That’s where they get things wrong, in my opinion.  It’s not just the “liberals”, it’s everybody who decides to not follow their moral conscience and God knows that conservative people are NOT free of blame in doing shady messed up things either.  They are just as guilty as everybody else.  But, looking past that, I tend to be in agreement with every other article because these people actually know their faith.  The basis on their arguments that they made in defense of an action or a call to stop an action is based not only on Bible references, but on Church history, which is the way it should be.  The doctors, saints, confessors, and martyrs of Holy Mother Church and their stories and teachings are also points of reference in the faith and enrich one’s life in faith.

Now, the other day, this article struck a chord with me that has reverberated enough that I am writing this long diatribe now.  I was reading along to it nodding in agreement until just a few paragraphs into the essay, the author writes this:

“Has our culture now reached the place where the gold standard for “love” is uncommitted, easy, no-strings-attached infatuation?”

and further goes on about speaking about a protestant megachurch preacher (makes me wonder why she even watched/heard this unless it was just for further research for her essay) and his 45 minute talk about marriage that didn’t mention children once,

“It seems being a married couple need not have anything to do with babies, sacrifice, helping one another get to Heaven, or the multiplication of love. Marriage is, apparently, only there to make you feel good.  Heaven forbid you wake up one day with a stuffy nose, bad mood, or passing fancy, like Ms. Afont did, and discover you might just feel otherwise.”

I stopped reading right there and really thought about it.  The thought that came to me was “Man, she’s right.”  Men and women today don’t give a damn about anything but themselves nowadays.  There’s no family life anymore.  Hell, just look at the divorce rates!  There’s no yearning to live a good enough life to give yourself at least a fighting chance to make it to Heaven and live in eternal peace, happiness, and pure love.  No, most people and I’ll say society as a whole now just want instant gratification with no consequences for their actions.  “Here’s to feeling good all the time!” as Kramer once so beautifully said on Seinfeld.  Nobody wants to take the road less traveled, the difficult road, the whatever you wanna call it road that leads to the better prize.  Nope.  People want just a taste of the sweetness and not the whole thing.  Work for it?  Why the hell do that?  That’s crazy talk!

That leads me to my situation.  Not to sound like a narcissist, but that really can explain why it is that I’m solo deep.  Well, let’s not forget about the fact that I’m also short and fat, but that’s beside the point.  I’m not choosing the secular or protestant path.  I’m choosing the Catholic path and most people I know are a little averse to it, if you want me to be honest.  I don’t want to live a life filled with carnal pleasures just to have fun.  Honestly, I never have, but that belief is even more reaffirmed now.  I don’t want to get into a serious relationship just so that I can have relations regularly.  Ha!  Funny I even mention that because typing that out reminded me of one of my ex-girlfriends back in my early 20s.  She actually said something to the effect of “Well, that’s why you get a significant other, no?  for the guaranteed sex.”  Even then I said (or at least gave the facial expression of) “WTF?”  Ummm, no.  Sorry to ruin that idea for you that all guys want is sex.  I don’t.  I want to find a wife that will help me get to heaven.  God willing said wife and I will be blessed with children that we can also raise in the faith and teach them the ways to get to heaven too.  Yes, I would like to have similar interests as well.  I want a woman who will not look at me with some shocked face and call me stupid because I want to watch nerdy documentaries.  I want a woman who won’t judge me for going all over the spectrum of music when listening to it.  Oh, and aside from holy obligations, can it be cool to watch NASCAR, football, baseball, golf, and hockey too?  And while we’re on favors and holy obligations, can I also have a woman who won’t come up with excuses to not to go Mass on Sundays and other holy days of obligation?

My search continues.

Until next blog, y’all!

I am Who I Say I Am

Change, shit

I guess change is good for any of us

  • Tupac “I Ain’t Mad At Cha”

Hello again y’all!  And while I’m at giving salutations, hello October!  Sadly it’s still 90°F or higher regularly here in El Paso, so it’s not quite fall yet.  At least the sun kicks rocks by 7:30pm.  I’ll take what I can get.

So, change.  I’ve been thinking about change lately.  I despise most change.  I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before, but I’ll put it on Front Street again.  Change sucks in my world.  I’m a creature of habit, and I’ll be the first to defend it.  Why try and fix something that isn’t broken?  Allow me to explain.  I hate spontaneity in most situations.  I have found that the older I get, the more I value order.  I bet some of you right now are probably thinking “Holy smokes.  This guy is weird!!!!!!”  Well, jokes on you!  I’ve always been weird!  Haha!  It’s just now; order has taken over the majority of my life.  I have found that peace and quiet and things being in their designated place makes me the happiest.  Some people actually tell me I have OCD because I’m so clean and organized and well, after seeing this, I don’t think so.  I only matched up with 2 out of the 11 signs and symptoms.  The wild part is that I hit up with 7 out of the 12 compulsion symptoms.  That’s kinda concerning now that I think about it, but I think some of those are bullshit if you want me to be honest.  In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with “washing and cleaning”, “orderliness”, or “following a strict routine”.

WHEW!!!  Read this (and weep haters!):

“There’s a difference between being a perfectionist — someone who requires flawless results or performance, for example — and having OCD. OCD thoughts aren’t simply excessive worries about real problems in your life or liking to have things clean or arranged in a specific way.

If your obsessions and compulsions are affecting your quality of life, see your doctor or mental health professional.”

After reading that, I feel a little relieved!  You know what it really is?  It’s my ever blooming true and real self finally shining through.  It’s my real INFJ nature that isn’t scared of ridicule anymore.  Wanna know what I mean?  Read this, this, this, and this article.  They all describe me to a T.  I know some people will dismiss the Myers-Briggs personality types as fake news and whatnot (I’m looking at you, heterosexual lifemate!), but then again these are the types of people who are skeptical about everything.

You know what?  Sometimes there isn’t a rhyme or a reason to things.  Sometimes things are the way they are because of no concrete reason.  God made certain things to remain a mystery (oh, and yes the Trinitarian God does exist, y’all.  Father, Son, and Holy Ghost).  There’s a certain mystery about life that needs to remain a mystery.  Not everything needs to be explained.  That’s what some of us call “faith”.

Sorry, I got sidetracked, but yes!!!  Sorry, Myers and Briggs and their personality test have finally put a name to my quirkiness.  It’s finally made me realize that it’s ok to be a weirdo in the eyes of everybody else.  As this article shares, YES I need those 12 things in my life to be happy.  No, I don’t feel bad for saying it either.  It’s only taken articles written by people like me who have shared their “is it just me that does this weird action, or feel this way” feelings and actions that has made me feel comfortable with being myself.  I’m a person who is rooted in structure, routine, planning, organization, and cleanliness to just name a few.  Yes, I do things on specific days, because that gives me the opportunity to give myself time to either be alone or to share my time with a very select group of people on my days off.  Speaking of that, I can’t just wake up on a Saturday morning, get in my truck, and go on a day trip somewhere.  Oh no!  That gives me anxiety just thinking about it!  I need to know at least my first few steps of every day before I get them started.  And while I’m at it, when you come over to visit me, no I don’t have a maid.  I clean my place up and I clean it up regularly.  Clutter sucks.  Everything has its place in my flat, and for the most part it’s all clean all the time.  I know the stereotypical male’s domiciles are supposed to be trashed and reeking of bad B.O. and 12 layers of intense parties, but I won’t apologize for having a fresh, clean, and organized apartment y’all.  LOL!  You should see my areas at work!  Organized and clean rules here too!  Don’t even get my started with my truck!!!  How do people live with having dirty, clutter filled work desks and vehicles?  Dear Lord in Heaven help these poor souls!

So, there you have it.  In a long way of saying it, I think I’ve changed over the past years.  Recently I thought about the people who were in my life more than 5 years ago who aren’t any more and wonder what they would think of me now?  Would they still have given up on our relationships?  Would they decide to stay?  It would be nice to have the opportunity to tell them not to worry.  I wake up every morning feeling better, more secure, and more content than the day before.

Until next blog, y’all!