Floating On

Hey y’all!  I hope this day has brought you good vibes and good thoughts.  As for me, I’m not sure how to feel about things in my life at the moment.  There’s a lot of things that haven’t gone exactly right and normal me would have been up in arms upset trying to fix the problems or have some sort of other emotional feeling about them.  What’s been happening lately, however, is an indifference to them all.  I can’t figure out what is going on.  Have I given up hope?  Do I not care anymore in some sort of a good way?  I can’t figure it out.  I’m not sure which way my brain is taking it.  I know it’s not some place negative, that’s for sure, but it’s not entirely positive either if that makes any sense.  I think I’ve been used to failure of some sort or another that I’m just used to it or expect bad things to happen.  Before I used to not except defeat/negative things well and I used to fight against that tide, but now I feel like I’ve gotten on top of my proverbial inflatable pool toy and I’m going to see where this life of mine takes me.  I just hope that I maintain this positive attitude because I’ll be in real trouble if my brain decides to take things south.

Wish me luck

June 2019 Burnout

Hello again everyone!  I hope that y’all are having a safe June so far.  As for me, I’m going through one of my usual cycles of madness again.  The cycle I’m talking about is the one where I feel like I’ve let things in my life get out of control and I have to stop, regroup, and start all over again.  UGH!  I really wish I knew how this keeps happening to me.  All it takes is a little bit of madness or deviation from the set path to have me fall down the rabbit hole of ruin.  Heh, it sounds like I’m talking about drugs or something.  I assure you, that’s not the case.  What it is, however, is not having my ass in the gym, eating not-so-badly, getting the downtime I need, and generally not feeling overwhelmed.  I’ve failed on all those things over the past 3 months.  As some people may know, I get real cranky and short fused after a while with no personal downtime.  It’s a product of my INFJ personality.  I need that alone time and I need that downtime, but unless things go right, I end up lacking it week in and week out.  It’s difficult with my schedule though.  A lot of people, my heterosexual lifemate the most, do not understand it.  Let me break it down for you.  My day M-F starts at 4am.  I try and force myself to get up (which is getting more and more difficult every day) and start the day by doing my CPAP machine maintenance.  Once that is done, I get onto making breakfast, and getting ready for work.  If all works out, I’m out the door around 6:15am.  I have to leave that early in order to get a parking spot to get to work without having to pay $8 or risk not finding anything in the area and really being up the creek thanks to the damn construction workers that are renovating a couple of buildings downtown.  I’m at work until 4pm, and if traffic behaves, I ‘m home by 4:30ish.  I really should only have 3.5 hours until I should either be asleep or getting to bed after my nightly prayers in order to get my 8 or as close as 8 hours of sleep that I need to function.  In here lies the problem.  In those 3.5 hours, on non grandparents’ day (Tuesdays), I have to fit in any house cleaning I may have to do, laundry, cooking, and the gym.  I mean, it’s not impossible, but damn near close for me to fit all those things in PLUS just setting time aside for downtime.  Sitting, relaxing, possibly even some TV watching.  I can never fit those in because I’m always running out of time.  I can only run that hard so much before I just start to get a little crazy.

I just don’t know what I could do.  Heterosexual lifemate tells me that I shouldn’t wake up early to make breakfast (the guy is of the mind that “if I don’t do it, you don’t need to either.”), and that If I really needed to eat breakfast, prepare it the day before.  I mean, ok, I guess.  But microwaved eggs at work doesn’t sound like my idea of a good time.  That could be me, but if needed, I guess I could add that time to my afternoon to prepare a breakfast for the next day.  Good idea at first, but then I’m losing downtime after work anyway.  It still balances out to me being out of time.  Another option is me shorting my sleep.  My sleep doctor has already told me that I need to get more sleep, so that’s not an option either.  So, I don’t know.  I’m out of options.  I guess I’m going to have to try to really force the issue of secluding myself and trying to recoup as much as I possibly can on Saturdays.  God help me, because I need the strength.  The overwhelming situation I’m in is starting to affect my dreams now too, so I can’t even escape that!

Anyway!  Stay safe out there my friends.  Throw out a prayer or two for your boy!

Eleven Years Gone

Hi y’all!  Long time no talk.  Trust me, I’ve started and erased a few blogs here and there with all the crap that has been going on in my life, but in retrospect, I guess it’s good that those rants/ideas/what-have-yous went unwritten and unpublished.

Today brings about a sad day for me.  Yes, I am very much aware that today is D-Day, but for me today marks the day that my life changed.  Today, 11 years ago, my mom passed away quietly and peacefully surrounded by her brothers and sister, my grandparents (dad’s parents), my sister, father, and I.  Just typing that brought me back to that moment having to be gloved and gowned up in her room, telling her how much I loved her hoping that that was the last thing she heard before going to purgatory.  Shit, I’m crying now.  Gotta keep it together.

Well, 11 years have passed since then and many things have changed.  Dad got remarried, I have gone through a few horrible heart crushing relationships, I became very much closer to God, and sister and her husband had two boys whom I love to death.  Those are just some of the things that have happened.  Of course there’s a lot more, but the overwhelming hurt is still just as fresh as it was that afternoon in that hospital room in Lubbock, Texas eleven years ago.  Maybe I should have talked to somebody like my dad was forced to do (and didn’t really get anything out of it, mind you) because the minute that I really give it thought, I break apart.  Maybe that’s normal?  I don’t know.  It’s my normal.  There’s still so much that I wanted to share with my mom and have things to learn from her.  49.8 years on Earth is all God had lined up for her and 27.5 of my years with her is all He gave me, but I’m grateful for every one of those.

So, with that said, even though I’m booked up after work today for a bit, I’m going to take some time out of my day when I get home to think of her and remember to try every day to be better so that I can make her proud of me.

Keep me in your prayers, y’all.