Tag Archives: Dork

Identity

I was going to write about something different over the weekend, but my love of movies brought me to watch the great film Revenge of the Nerds on Saturday morning.  Initially, I wanted to watch the movie for the laughs that all the characters have brought me (I’ve seen this film numerous times), but during this viewing of it, I found myself really connecting with the message that the film was trying to give.  That message is acceptance of the difference we have as individuals.  I’ll freely admit that I’m a dork, a nerd, a loner, and an introvert so I’ve always felt like I’ve been ridiculed the majority of my life.  It doesn’t help that I’m short AND fat, but I digress it wasn’t until I really took the ending speech of the film to heart that I realized that Gilbert and Lewis were really speaking up for people like me to the popular people, the pretty people, the whatever you want to call them that have always looked down on people like me who just happen to be different.  Sure, there was a time that I felt I had to conform and try to fit in, but honestly it’s just not me.  Here’s the speech I’m talking about:

Gilbert: I just wanted to say that I’m a nerd, and I’m here tonight to stand up for the rights of other nerds. I mean uh, all our lives we’ve been laughed at and made to feel inferior. And tonight, those bastards, they trashed our house. Why? Cause we’re smart? Cause we look different? Well, we’re not. I’m a nerd, and uh, I’m pretty proud of it.

Lewis: Hi, Gilbert. I’m a nerd too. I just found that out tonight. We have news for the beautiful people. There’s a lot more of us than there are of you. I know there’s alumni here tonight. When you went to Adams you might’ve been called a spazz, or a dork, or a geek. Any of you that have ever felt stepped on, left out, picked on, put down, whether you think you’re a nerd or not, why don’t you just come down here and join us. Okay? Come on.

Gilbert: Just join us cos uh, no-one’s gonna really be free until nerd persecution ends.

So, yes.  I’m smart, yes I look different, yes I am a nerd, spazz, dork, AND a geek.  You know what?  I’m pretty damn proud of it too.  While I’m on quotes, here’s another one that I associate myself with:

“No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.” – George Carlin

Now, I won’t say that I’m with it word for word because I am a very religious man.  I am a proud Traditionalist Catholic (as I’ve heard people call people like me); however I have little interest in associating myself in a group of people of any kind.  I’d weird like that.  I’m very much a one man wolf pack (as the character in The Hangover, Alan, calls himself).  I’m not comfortable in a group setting.  I wish I could tell you why, but I’m just not.  I don’t want to gather together in a social setting to talk about things, I don’t want to collectively march for a cause, I don’t want to not be able to freely express my individual thoughts if it doesn’t jive with the greater message.  Not to get into politics or moral ideals or whatnot, but I’m a firm believer that my thoughts and ideas on things are my own.  Who am I to tell somebody else what’s right for them?  And even more so, who the HELL do people think they are to tell ME what’s right for me?  Even if you do know me, what you think may be right might be something that I’m not comfortable with or want to do.  That’s pretty much it in a nutshell.  So, no.  I don’t want to join your club, no I don’t want to join your stupid union, no I don’t want to go to your dumb meeting.  I have no interest in it.  And just like the late, great, George Carlin I too love and treasure individuals as I meet them but I could care less about their greater groups they identify with.  I want no part in it.

I think that’s a pretty good reason why I find myself hanging out with the people I do.  For as much as we are different, there is a bit of the “rejected by society for one reason or another” aspect to us.  It could be that, or it could be that we are sympathetic to each other’s individual needs and we just click. It’s hard to tell now, but it works.  It is very difficult for me to want to meet new people, and expose myself to new situations.  I’m too old for that crap now, you know?  And I don’t think it’s being narrow minded or whatever either.  I honestly think that I’m old enough and experienced enough to know what it is that I do and do not like, so I find myself seeking out the things that I do and only branch out into the subfields of those likes.  I don’t think that’s a bad thing.  I personally believe that my current mission in life is to be happy, so I’m going to be who I want to be, do what I want to do, and hang out with who I want to in order to keep myself happy.  I’ve been down so long that I think I deserve to treat myself to that happiness.  If it means that I have to be labeled as a nerd, dork, spazz, weirdo, freak, loser, etc. then so be it.  I’m 2 months shy of 36 years old and I’m finally at peace with it all.  Here’s to staying happy.

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“Introvert

An introvert generally prefers solitary activities to interacting with large groups of people. If you would rather work through your feelings in your diary than have a conversation, then you are an introvert.  Introvert comes from Latin intro-, “inward,” and vertere, “turning.” It describes a person who tends to turn inward mentally. Introverts sometimes avoid large groups of people, feeling more energized by time alone.”

That description comes directly from here and that pretty much describes me.  I’ve always been that way, actually.  It’s all thanks to my mom (RIP) who was a very shy person.  I got a lot of her traits, all good ones by the way, and the two that I find to be most prominent happen to be the kindness (to a fault most of the damn time) and the introverted personality.  Sadly those two things don’t mix well as I always put others before myself and find myself doing things and going places that quite frankly I have zero interest in doing or going to.  That’s not to say that I don’t have fun going to places or whatnot, but I find myself happiest on my own or with my small circle of friends.  I’ll say this about it right now too; it’s not a bad thing or a thing I should be ashamed about, so get off my ass if you feel differently because honestly I don’t care.  Your opinions have been noted, but they clash with mine and not to be a dick, I value my opinion on that matter more than other’s on the subject.

Anyway, I say all of this to say that in the time that I’ve been really alone (for the most part) the past few months, I’ve found that I’ve had a renewed energy that has given fresh prospective and vitality into my life.  I still can’t get the ideal schedule I want to have really started, but hey, unless I die soon I’ll get there!  All I know is that I’m probably the happiest I’ve been in a long time, probably ever, thanks to the things that have been going on in my life.  I’ve had so much fun these past couple of months!  I’ve gotten to spend quality time with my best friends by playing music, singing songs, and drinking of course.  I also got the chance to really explore the greater Southwest with one of my very dear friends for two weeks and by doing that it made me remember about just how blessed I am to live where I do.  El Paso and the 800 miles in every direction around us here is so unique.  It’s something that I take for granted until I’m reminded about just how beautiful things are here in the desert Southwest.  So much history, so many different locations that are one of a kind here on our planet, the people, everything… I take it all for granted until it gets brought to my attention.  It was so much fun to visit the Grand Canyon, drive through northern Arizona into the Las Vegas Metroplex and back down into Phoenix and see just how many habitat changes occur from place to place.  Then of course, seeing Carlsbad Caverns and White Sands which for the latter is a one of a kind place in the world, just made me feel like such an idiot for not going to check these places out more often.  For as much crap that I talk about hating on New Mexico, that state is badass for camping, hiking, and national parks/monuments.

Which brings me to my next thought.  Getting to actually do more of these things!  My friends, dare I say family, and I have been talking about going out to these places more often but our stupid lives keep getting in the way!  I think that after this year of transition that we’ve ALL had, next year will clear up and allow us to go camping more, go hiking more, and go to these places in the area that we take for granted.

In the beautiful words of a homegirl of mine, I need to get my shit together.  I think I am.  Every day, I’m becoming more and more of the person that I’ve always strived to be.  That person is a man who is sure of his path in life.  That path is full of happiness, the perfect friends, and the perfect peace in himself.  I’m almost there, man.  I can see it within my reach.  There is one more thing though.  I think that Dr. Emmett L. Brown said it best when he said, “Better that I devote myself to study the other great mystery of the universe: women!”

Hahaha!

Until next time, my friends.

Jesus and I love you!

If it makes me happy

I’ve had so many things that I’ve wanted to talk about lately, but I never seem to find the time to really flesh out the ideas to and of course life gets in the way so I forget what it is that I wanted to babble on about.  There is one thing, however, that has stuck in my dome and that is happiness.  Some of my best friends will tell you that I’m not happy, but I can assure anybody reading this right now that I’m probably the happiest that I’ve been in a very long time.  Things in my life have actually really come together quite nicely as of late and I’m finding my daily routine to be what I’ve really wanted for the longest time in my life.  It’s such a strange thing to say too, considering my current life situation, but holy smokes I am having a great time!

As most of you know, I’ve recently moved to the central area of my beautiful city, El Paso, and it has really been a blessing that I didn’t even know I was looking for.  Crazy to say, right?  It’s true though!  I’m 12 or so minutes from work, 10 minutes from church, 2 minutes from my gym (when I decide to get my fat ass back in there), and I’m 2 minutes from various grocery and big box stores.  Hell the big box store is in a mall that has some pretty interesting things too including an inferior pictureshow joint to the better Cinemark Theater locations here in town, but when in a pinch, that will have to do.  So, I say all of that to say that I have nothing to really complain about as far as driving goes because Lord knows I hate slow idiot drivers and I don’t have to deal with very many of them in my journeys now.  Good thing with that as well is that I’m not really using too much gas either, so I’m saving money there too.  All and all, it’s pretty freakin’ awesome.  My new joint is pretty chill as well and has really thick walls so I don’t have to have my music or movies at a whisper level because none of my neighbors can hear the noise and I can’t hear theirs either.  It’s pretty badass, to be honest.

So, I say all of that to confidently say that I’m just about the happiest I will ever get all things considered.  And by all things considered, I would be totally happy if my mother was here to see all that I’ve accomplished with my life.  I know, of course, that she is always with me in spirit, but it’s just not the same and I can honestly say that I will never truly be 100% happy without her here.

Now that I have made myself tear up a bit, I can get back to some of the things I’ve wanted to say about my journey to happiness.  Over the past few years, I’ve slowly discovered the people and things that bring me peace and happiness.  It’s been great to take the journey I’ve taken to find those people and places and I’ve learned so much in that time too.  I have our Lord Jesus Christ and the blessing that has been FSSP to guide me along my spiritual path.  I also have my small circle of close friends whom I consider family, my blood related family, and lastly I have the places outside of my personal space that makes me happy.  If you know me, you should know that those places are either camping out in a forest in the area, the greater Phoenix area, and of course Las Vegas.  Soon, I want to add going to San Diego to that list, but that’s another story entirely.

Funny thing about all of that is that for some of the people I hold dear, that isn’t good enough for them for some crazy reason.  I can’t understand why that is, honestly, but they think that I need to be in some sort of romantic relationship or in some friends with benefits agreement to fulfil a part of me that is apparently missing.  Actually, I was laughing at even typing that out because for as much as I would have loved to have that back in the day, I have learned to accept and adapt to the reality of the situation.  That situation is that the chances are highly likely that neither of those scenarios will ever happen.  Oddly enough, I am perfectly ok with that too despite what people may think.  Don’t think that I am coming to that conclusion irrationally though.  I have had a lot of time to think about it.

Hell, thinking about that now just puts a smile on my face.  What comes to mind, actually, is the thought of spending time with my close friends doing the things we love to do.  That’s what makes me the happiest.  Most of the time that just involves hanging out trying to make each other laugh while drinking various adult beverages, creating music, listening to music, or a combination of all 3.

I will add to all of this that when I am not hanging out with my friends, I really do enjoy the solitude that I have.  It’s beautiful to come home to a quiet place and do life at my pace.  My pace usually includes the first 30 minutes to 1 hour of quiet.  Then normally it’s podcasts or music if anything while I cook dinner.  I’ve never been much of a TV watcher and even now the only thing I’ll find myself watching is sporting events, mainly NASCAR (as you should all know if you’ve gotten this far in reading this post).  It’s a beautiful thing, peace and quiet.  The only downside is that I don’t have much time between getting home, making dinner, cleaning up the kitchen, and general recharging before I have to call it a night during the week.  I don’t mind too much, to be honest, as I’ve gotten used to not having time after work and before sleep.  It’s a good thing for me that I LOVE to clean because that takes up a lot of my free time too.  Funny thing about that is how surprised people are when they come to visit to find an organized place that doesn’t smell like bawls and booze.  LOL!  I’m a dude, but why expect some kind of slummy bachelor pad.  I guess they don’t really know me then!  I am very organized and a clean freak, which goes well with my other odd qualities.  Hahaha!

So I say all of that to reiterate that I’m happy.  I’m the happiest that I can see myself getting with everything considered, so I hope that the people that care can stop worrying about me.  I’m Kool n’ the gang and I’m having the time of my life.  I wake up every morning happy for what the day will bring and enjoy every minute of every day.

More to come later!

Cheers to new beginnings

I have been meaning to write this out for quite some time in one form or another, but time has escaped me.  Not tonight though.  Time be damned, I feel like I have to write this out.  Yet again, as I seem to always write, things have been changing in my life.

See, I finally started to get serious about changes a few years back and of course setback after setback has happened.  Mainly those setbacks have been all my fault, but some of those have been roadblocks that I know will still be in my path for quite some time.  The thing about those bastards still there is that I can see the time where those roadblocks will no longer be there and it’s really gotten me anxious.  I just want the next 12 months to pass.  I want this last little bit of my current life to be over!  I’m normally a very patient dude, but being able to see that finish line has me going crazy.

Not to stray too far away from the point of my ramblings here, but as some of you know, I’ve gone back home to hotels.  It was a very odd turn of events, and believe me, I wasn’t actively looking to go back.  Things just… happened.  I’m glad they did, honestly.  I missed it.  I had one of those Cinderella moments (the glam metal band, not the character) where I heard Tom sing “You don’t know what you got, ‘till it’s gone!!!!”  Well, that’s what I felt about working at hotels.  It first hit me the first time I stayed at a hotel after I went to contract for Tio Samuel.  I got a glimpse of the life that I left behind and I instantly missed it.  I had to get back, one way or another.  I kinda half assed tried here and there, and I even almost made it back to Vegas where I’ve tried to get gigs before!  Alas, southern Nevada wasn’t meant to be and I let my dream go for a bit.  I had other problems to deal with… like getting rid of my damn debt, which I’ve come to realize now is my penance for completely ruining my own life from age 18 to about 30.  12 years of complete stupidity and I have nothing good to show for it.  Sure, there were small victories in that time period, but mostly I spent that time checking off every sin in the book, hell, sometimes I’d commit some repeatedly just to be sure that I checked it off my list.  I was an idiot.  I literally pissed away my money and I dig myself a pretty deep hole.  Awe, hell, you know me… I love a good challenge!  Not that I ever really tackle most of those challenges because of my intense fear and hatred of rejection, but there are some challenges that I kinda like.  Here’s one in particular:  There are times in life that I like to completely destroy everything good just to see if I can rebuild and make it better!  I’m an idiot like that.  Well, check that.  Was.  I think I got it right this time.  Thanks to the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ and the beautiful gift He gave me of putting important people BACK into my life and letting them show me my true path in life.  If it wasn’t for that, I would have still be a lost idiot messing up my life in different ways.  Now, I find myself with all the life experiences that I could have asked for to know what NOT to do, plus the drive to be the best person that I can now and God willing for the rest of my life.  I’m on this path now where I’m slowly letting go of all the bad in my life, letting in all of the great as I move along to the small goals I have set for myself along the way.  Slowly but surely, things are getting better and falling into place as they should.

I’m excited, y’all.  My penance is nearly through and all I can see is a bright future.  Physical things are going to get fixed… like my beautiful Bestia, for one!  LOL.  She has been through hell!  Dents, broken pieces, all due to freak incidents, but within the next few months, she’ll be repaired and back to new.  I jumped the gun on my other baby, my beautiful Tama Silverstar Custom.  There were small things that needed to be fixed, and I just could NOT pass up the deal I saw for that Iron Cobra JR double bass petal.  The next thing to look forward to is saving up the few K’s it’s going to take to get a new place to crash and some accessories to put in it.  Thankfully, I won’t need much.  All this should take me 12 months, but then… it’s onto the next goal.  What that next goal is, I really have no idea.  I suppose I would call it just really making sure that I enjoy life more.  Enjoy the small things.  Don’t take anything or more importantly anyONE for granted.  Cherish those that God has put into my life.  Things like that.  Sometimes I find that I fall short in doing those things, but I got to make a better effort.  If I can save the ducats, I want to try to make it out to north Texas more often to see dear friends and family of mine in the DFW area… I want to make it a priority to go camping in the area more like the Gila, Cloudcroft, and other places in the otherwise wasteland that is New Mexico… I want to be able to take those reckless 36 hour trips to Las Vegas for no other reason than to say that I really wanted to have a beer at the Yardhouse at the Linq and a burger at BLT… and well see all my dear friends there too! Stuff like that, I want to do.  I WILL do once I get everything sorted out.  I gotta do the things that make me happy and spend the time with the people that make me happy.  There are a handful of people and I hope they know who they are!!!  I love them so very much and very deeply.  I want them to share in this crazy journey with me.  Exciting times are coming up, amigos!

I’ll try to blog things out some more when I get the time to really form my ideas into more than random thoughts.

STAY TUNED!

Love you all!

Star Trek > Star Wars

Well,

I’ve been thinking a lot about a touchy topic in the nerd world lately.  That topic is the ongoing war between Star Trek and Star Wars.  I seem to always be fighting a battle with all of the star wars losers all the time because of their hatred over the fact that Trek mostly deals more with philosophy, morality, and the betterment of a future us and it all so happens to take place sometimes in space.  I can see their argument, I suppose, but that’s the thing I seem to find myself looking for the older my balls get.  I’ll admit, though, that I’ve always been more of a Trek fan than a Wars fan.

This thought really all came about when I finally got the chance to see Star Trek Into Darkness and really enjoyed watching what I saw.  Granted, this like ‘09’s Trek wasn’t as traditional of a Trek movie as the previous films, this was still Star Trek.  I was reminded why I love the series and why I am looking forward to a possible future if we can get our shit together.

In keeping up with my dork boner, if you will, the thought of all thoughts came to me about why I’m such a proud Trek fan.  Tell me when the hell the last time you’ve heard people up in an outrage over the directing and/or story from what Bill Shatner did with Star Trek V:  The Final Frontier or the films Star Trek:  Insurrection or Star Trek:  Nemesis?  Never.  I think I know why.  I know why I don’t.  I enjoyed the films.  My life wasn’t ruined because of some character I didn’t like.  As a matter of fact, I only mentioned those films because those were the ones that some people didn’t like as much as the others.  Tell me of the last time star wars honk had anything good to say about Episodes 1, 2, & 3.  RIGHT!  Never!  These assholes are full of hate!  What the hell are their problems??  Jar Jar?  Haden Christiansen?  What the hell did Haden do wrong?  He did a badass job, in my opinon!  And Jar Jar, hell, Lucas did you all a favor and made him the reason the empire existed!  And furthermore, I’d argue that the star wars universe was run better as an empire.  The rebels were the ones being terroristic with shit! UGH!  Ok, now I’m pissed!  FUCK star wars!

That’s all I gotta say.