Forever a Clone

I'm just a clone, talking away while nobody listens

Archive for the tag “Nerd”

Solo Deep

It’s Saturday night and I’m wrapping up an awesome day that I’ll say was very much needed. I had it in my head that I really wanted to wake up whenever my heart desired and even though I had stuff to do, I’d do it when I pleased, not because I was on some sort of clock. Well, to be honest, I was on a little bit of clock as I had to be at the cathedral just outside of downtown by around 2:30pm for confession, but aside from that I had nothing but time on my side. I can’t even remember the last time I had an opportunity like this. Lately, it’s been waking up to alarms to get ready for practice, or to go somewhere else for another reason on off Saturdays (as we practice every other Saturday getting ready for our live recording on May 27th!). Anyway, today was pretty freakin’ awesome. I started it off by sippin’ coffee as I got through another episode of Star Trek: Enterprise because I have a mission of my own to accomplish. I’m currently watching Star Trek chronologically from Enterprise all the way to Star Trek Beyond. That’s A LOT of TV seasons and films to watch, but I’m doing for the love of the franchise. I suppose I can write a love letter to my favorite franchise another day. The original plan was for me to wake up, shower, then head out to get some routine truck maintenance done, but I felt compelled to do what I’ve wanted to do for the past couple of months. That thing was to live a day on my terms and schedule… completely. I knew I had those things to do, but I was going to put myself first for once. It led to me having a great day. Not only did I watch Enterprise, but I finally finished season 3 of Black Sails. Man, that show is awesome! I was able to get that done and STILL got my truck maintenance things taken care of and even had time to finally stop by a drive-thru frozen daiquiri joint that some of my co-workers had been telling me about for months. Pretty awesome! You drive up to the joint or park and go inside if you want, decide on what crazy alcoholic concoction you’d like to have, they put it into a Styrofoam cup, put said cup into a clear plastic bag, and send you on your happy way with straw in tow. That way, it’s technically not an open container as they give it to you and it’s up to you if you want to make it to your destination without having the temptation to commit a very dangerous crime of drinking and driving WITH an open container to boot. That’s a pretty harsh rule to break here in Texas as it is in anywhere in the United States, come to think of it, so one would be foolish to try it. I wasn’t about to mess around, so I waited until I got home to cash it in. As soon as I did get home, I decided to forgo cleaning house as I did only about 5 days ago and quite honestly, I needed the break. So more Star Trek and Black Sails were in order. It was just a beautiful day. This is how I really like to enjoy my days off, if you want me to be honest. I think I’ve only audibly spoken about 20 words in total today. Wait, I take that back. I had a pretty lengthy confession. LOL! Aside from that, about 20 words sound about right.

Whew! You made it this far? Asking yourself “Alright, Clone! WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!” Well, the point is that conversations with friends have been had lately that have me questioning the very odd question of “Just how the HELL is one supposed to date?” What the hell does that even mean anyway? When you say you’re dating someone, does that mean that you’re exclusive to that person or are they just another person in some kind of spinning wheel of people to call for the same things? That’s one of the questions I have. Another one is this. Just what in the HELL does one do on one of these… dates? Do y’all actually do the small talk thing? My Lord! The thought alone terrifies me! “Hi! How are you! (insert the positive or negative word here) weather we’ve had, eh? So! Eh…” BORING!!!!!!!!! Is that what really happens?! I honestly wouldn’t know. I think I’ve only been on a handful of real “dates” if that’s what you want to call them. Sure, I’ve had girlfriends, but we always did things together and never really did the typical “dinner and a movie” kinda thing. Or the popular meeting at Starbucks for coffee date thing either. I wouldn’t know what to do if I were ever thrust into that kind of a situation. I don’t like small talk at all. I run out of things to say too quickly and I have nothing to keep the small talk going. I don’t particularly care for it. I want to talk about meaningful things with people. What makes them who they are, how they got from the beginning to where they are now, stories from their lives, influences, likes, loves, the arts, entertainment, travels, dreams, aspirations, and so on and so on. I don’t care about the mundane ice breaker things to say.

That’s why I found the conversations I had with some of my friends the past couple of weeks so interesting. They’ve used online dating apps to converse with people and some have actually been quite successful with it. I found each story personally anxiety inducing! HAHAHAHA! My version of small talk and get to know you informally madness would go something like this, “Hi. My name is David. Funny thing about that though, not a lot of people call me that. I’m actually not used to hearing that. I hear “Dave” a lot, and I’ve sorta gotten used to that, but I’m not much of a fan of that either. I respond better to “Clone”. It’s a long story. Anyway, you can call me whatever you want. I pretty much respond to anything. Except “Guy”. I don’t know why, hearing anybody say something to the effect of “hey guy…” is like fingernails on a chalkboard to me. I can’t explain it. So, right off the bat, I think I should tell you that I’m an introvert, and if that’s not woman repellent enough, I’m also a nerdy dork who is in complete love with all things Star Trek and I love ALL genres of music, so if I’m not nerding out over Trek, I’m probably listening to music nonstop. Wait! Stop running! I’m not that weird! * talking to myself now as mystery woman runs away from me * And my friends wonder why I don’t “put myself out there”. Case and point, JERKS! I could have been home right now. Oh well, better late than never. She was kinda cute, though. Such is life.”

Maybe it’s just me. I don’t know. I just really don’t have the desire to try and fake my way into a romantic relationship. Why go through all of the bother, you know? I know it can happen organically. That’s how most of my romantic relationships have come about anyway, but to be honest I feel like most people want to use these things like Tinder and Plenty of Fish that used to be used for hook-ups and one-night-stands (and probably to a degree still are) to seek their long-term relationships. I don’t think it’s in me to waste my time like that. Those things weren’t meant for people like me. In the rare event that I do find myself in public alone, I can assure you that I am not looking for a random person to strike a conversation up with. What would I say? What is there to say? “No thank you.” is what my internal monologue says. I’m fine being by myself observing the world around me. I feel the same way in regards to these apps. “No, thank you.” LOL.

I know this sounds really stupid, but I’m really putting dating, romantic relationships, etc in God’s hands where they belong. If I happen to stumble upon a relationship living my life the way I’m the most happy (like right now), then all the better. My life is ALL God’s will anyway. I’m not in control, but I’m sure in the front passenger seat enjoying the ride! Small talk dates, Tinder, Plenty of Fish, whatever else like it that’s out there can go kick rocks as far as I’m concerned. I’d rather save my time and the little to no small talk arsenal that I have for jokes that make at least a few of my friends laugh.

So there you have it. That’s why I had such a great day today. No small talk was had. No faking my life or what I stand for or believe in just to try and win the affections of a woman… or anybody else for that matter. I am who I am. Weird, funny, nerdy, dorky, and kinda a one man wolfpack… Out here in the desert… Looking for people to have deep and meaningful conversations with. Hahaha!

So, how is the weather where you are right now? Man! We just had the most beautiful sunset here today just now. It’s overcast again and is going to be cold again tonight. 😉

Here for the party

The past few weeks, for as troubling as some of it has been, have also reminded me about how every passing day of mine is better than the day before. Each day off that I get to relax and take time out to just reflect reminds me about just how good I have things.

I’ll try my best to explain. If I look back at my life, I can clearly remember how misguided I was during a lot of it. I was angry and bitter about a lot of things in my life. I had a pretty bad mood. That’s nothing like what I am now, but when I think back to it, all I do is shake my head at the disbelief over how bad of an attitude I had towards life. I still don’t even know why I was like that either. Maybe it was the young me trying to find out just who the hell I really am. That mixed in with crazy hormones was probably a bad mix.

Believe it or not, considering my current stance on life, there was a time in my life that I desperately wanted to fit in with the crowd. I wanted to be part of the cool people and all that garbage. When I realized that I would never really fit in with all of my oddities, naturally I got frustrated with that too. Why wasn’t I getting the girls? Why wasn’t I getting the attention I wanted? Sure, I was funny and have that eccentric charm, but there are a few simple truths that killed my chance at popularity. Looks, money, and the desire to attain either of those. I was who I was, and come to think about it I still am that. I’m always going to be that short, fat, moron who will always try to find the funny in almost any situation.

With that said, over the past few weeks, I’ve thought about just how much more comfortable I am getting in my own skin. I have been occasionally taking time out of my free time to just sit on my couch and allow my brain to wander around and just do it’s thing. One of the things that got me to laugh was just how much of a contradiction my home décor is. Then again, it is completely and totally me. I have a lot of my wall space dedicated to music, with a Mötley Crüe poster and large pin, 3 Metallica posters and banners (in the middle of a LOT of Metallica memorabilia around it), my autographed Steel Panther stuff, and my Beatles poster all up on my walls. Next to that is my ode to my Catholic faith and family there, then followed by sports memorabilia, empty bottles of booze that carry memories in them, with it’s own space, a large metal cross that my late mother purchased and had up in our home, and finally a real Ocean’s Eleven movie poster that satisfies both my love for movies and my love for Las Vegas. It’s pretty clear that you see what really matters to me by spending two minutes in my living room. I laugh all time when I think about it because I can only imagine people looking at me in disgust saying “Jesus doesn’t mix well with your Metallica – Sad But True poster, dude… OR those empty Cabo Wabo Tequila bottles either for that matter. To me, it does. Everything about me goes hand and hand. I don’t fit into a single mold (shhhh with your weight jokes!).

I’m happy. I’ll tell you that right now and tell you that I’m honest about that fact. I really am happy. I’m happy with the person that I am and happy with where the situations and decisions that were put in front of me have placed me in my life today. Just yesterday, as a matter of fact, I found myself just completely happy over the fact that I woke up at 7am, for some insane reason considering that I was up late at Nocturnal Adoration with my Adoration brothers at my old Catholic Parish until about midnight, but happy at the time time that I did wake up so early so that I could get to the things I needed to do, like get my truck washed, go grocery shopping, cleaning my house, and doing laundry. All of that just brought me such joy. Cleaning up, organizing, and yes even grocery shopping has always just brought me peace and happy thoughts.

I know, at this point you’re probably wondering what the hell is wrong with me. Don’t worry, me too reading that back to myself. It’s just part of who I am. I kept posting updates on my social media outlets about just how much of a good time I was having. I bet people thought I was kidding about it, but I was being honest.

I was happy doing the things that made me happy. Oddly enough, I was talking to a friend of mine just this morning who recently has been down in the dumps and feeling lonely, etc. I don’t know why, but I had realized that this person has relied on other people to make them happy. Nothing that they have ever done for themselves had made them happy. Does that make sense? It’s nothing new in my observations, to be honest. Just to generalize (and I know I’m probably wrong and don’t have any scientific data to back this up) I always find people talking about doing things to make themselves desirable for another person. I ask myself, “For what?! Why not try and do something for yourself! Make yourself happy! You wanna do something for somebody just to have that one moment of temporary happiness, or those few moments of happiness? For what??!! Just to not have it appreciated later, or even worse just be pushed over or left behind? Then what, dude?!” I told this person to be happy with themselves instead. Do things that made them happy. It’s a crazy idea, but it’s true.

I realized that I finally learned that lesson myself about 3 years ago. I stopped letting the actions of others or others’ opinions of me dictate my happiness. I finally took control of that. Only I will control what makes me happy. Somebody doesn’t want to talk to me? So what? Somebody thinks I’m an idiot? Good for them. I’m going to keep being the weird dude I’ve always been, except now I’m not going to apologize for it or try and change to appease somebody else and have that control my emotions or my self worth. I am who I am and do what I do for me. I gotta say that I feel pretty happy about that.

So, there it is, peeps. Be happy for yourselves! Do what makes you happy… that is unless it harms somebody else. That’s a dick move. Don’t be that person.

Peace out 2016, Holler at me 2017

This is it.  We made it, y’all.  2016 and its crazy ass has finally come to an end.  Globally, I must say we had a pretty bad year.  Lots of terrorist acts, lots of war, and lot of death of people who are known by a lot of other people came to pass this year.  I know a lot of people are upset about it and have been taking note about how bad it’s been for us as a whole.  I tend to agree with them, but in what has been my nature more strongly for the past 5.5 years, I tend to focus on the positives.  I had a lot of positive things happen in my life this year.  In January, I made the decision to not live with anxiety and a too large of amount of stress for me to handle and the positive outcomes came from there.  I did fail, however, to get started on my weight loss goals but that’s to come later.

More great things came this year.  Most notably, I cut half the commute from my drive to both work and my parish and moved to central El Paso and even though I didn’t have any reservations about it, I had no idea at how awesome it would turn out to be.   Everything that I need or like is minutes away and the peace and quiet I get now is an even bigger Godsend.   Another great thing that came about from my change mid-year was that a true nature I’ve always had really flourished like a wildfire.  That true nature I speak of is my introvert nature.  I’ve always had it, but it wasn’t until I was truly on my own that it just consumed me.  I have honestly never been as happy in my life as I am now.  It’s the greatest thing ever.  Now, I have nobody to put a fake act on for, nobody to try to conform to, etc.  I can truly be me now and me is that dude who would rather be left alone, hates and honestly feels sick down to my bones to be in a crowd of strangers for more than a few minutes, who loves to spend time with only a select group of friends, and who finds comfort in music, movies, and the general arts of all kinds.  Granted, the last thing is something that more than just introverts to, I find that I don’t have to feel weird about my musical tastes because I’m liberated to be who I want to be without judgement.

With that all said, my very positive personal life changes has brought about resentment and probably a loss of friendships along the way with it too, but if you want me to be completely honest, I’ll say that if people can’t accept who I am, who I aspire to be, and what I stand for personally, then they don’t need to be in my life.  Simple as that.  I am sick and tired of being surrounded by negativity.  Again, for the past 5 years, I’ve done my best at always living looking at the positive in things and people and I have completely stopped dwelling in the bad in people and in things.  Sure, I’m aware they exist, but I refuse to let it consume me.  I also never have held grudges, but even more so now I forget and forgive as Jesus told Peter in Matthew Chapter 18 verse 21,

“21 Then Peter came and said to Him, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” 22 Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.”

I’m always going to be the same funny, happy, comedic (even horribly punny and cheesy), stupid moron.  I have no time to say out loud or to myself “remember what this jerk did to me?  F that person!”  Nah, that’s stupid.  I refuse to waste my life that way.

So, Sunday morning will bring on 2017 and the renewal of hopes and dreams for everybody, myself included.  I’ve never been one to do New Year’s resolutions, but I will say this.  I’m going to put my plans in motion to get myself in a better physical shape than round.  (LOL!) and I will continue to be the person I am regardless of the consequences of the judgements of others.  I’m going to be me and do what makes me happy.  That’s pretty much stay home, stay focused on my weight loss, laugh a lot more, spend time with the friends and family that accept me for who I am and don’t want to change me, watch more awesome movies, listen to great music, and hopefully make awesome music too.  I have plenty of room for those who want to join me, but if you don’t want to or want to get off the ride; I’m not going to stop you either.  In the words of “King” George Strait, “I ain’t here for a long time; I’m here for a good time.”

Attraction

Today is the eve of All Saints Day and I’m still buzzing a bit over another great weekend.  So many things to write about, but as I had alluded to before on Snapchat I had a great conversation on Friday night with one of my best friends.

It all started when I got into the conversation with them at one of our hangouts of who I thought was attractive and why friends of ours find the people they thought were attractive.  Apparently my brain really enjoyed the topic and it started to fire on all cylinders.  As the most common definition of attraction goes, it is “a quality or feature of something or someone that evokes interest, liking, or desire.”  Everybody zeroes in on one thing or another.  I happen to differ from the norm in this respect as well because the physical attributes of women are usually the last thing I even think about whenever I find myself attracted to one.  The features I find attractive are heart and intelligence.  I couldn’t care less about any of the typical physical features that most men drool over.  I need somebody that’s going to make my brain fire up its thought processes and be as passionate about the things I am.  I’ve also heard it said before and I’m a believer that one’s attitude and temperament plays a part in the overall attractiveness of a person.  I know of many physically attractive people who are just horrible on the inside and now I can’t even see the physical beauty of them.  Strange how that is, but it’s true.

Back to my desires though, I can honestly say that I don’t think that I’ve ever really dated a woman in my 20’s and beyond that had one or both the attributes that I like.  I thought they did at first of course, but in the end it was a ruse on their part.  Looking back, I can honestly say that I’ve never had one of those thought provoking conversations as I had on Friday night speaking about all things science, opinion, observation, music, and movies, aka everything with any ex girlfriend.  I think back and I’m wondering now about just how exactly I did communicate with these former significant others.  I can’t even tell you what it was we did talk about.  Ha!  How bad is that!?  That brings me to myself, I suppose.  What would I have talked about back then to them?  I’m sure it was music and sports.  Those were my main passions as they still sort of are, but my overall priorities have changed.  The world has changed as well in a way that I don’t feel like I have to hide a side of me that used to be a bit more ridiculed in the past.  I talked about it a few blogs ago, but it’s being a nerd.  I have always considered myself one, but I just never have really outwardly displayed it.  I’ve always been that idiot who wears bands, sports, or just outlandish and stupid t-shirts, but I’ve always thought of myself as being well versed in the book smarts on a handful of subjects that I find interest in.

Intelligence aside, I’m also big about having a big heart.  There are too many people out in the world today that aren’t passionate about who they are, what they do, or what they are interested in.  I find too many people these days that just don’t care.  They are just living for the next night out, the next paycheck, or the next item that will give them the attention they crave.  I find myself gravitating to two of Fight Club’s Tyler Durden’s quotes when he said, “You’re not your job. You’re not how much money you have in the bank. You’re not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. …” and “The things you own end up owning you.”  In other words, earthly possessions don’t impress me either and actually the desire for possessions of wealth are a turn off for me.  As Jesus says in Matthew Chapter 6, verses 19 through 24, “19 Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20 But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in or steal; 21 for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. 22 “The eye is the lamp of the body; so then if your eye is clear, your whole body will be full of light. 23 But if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light that is in you is darkness, how great is the darkness!  24 “No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and wealth.”

YOU CANNOT SERVE GOD AND WEALTH.

Take a minute to take that in.  Potential romantic relationships speaking, I don’t want to get involved with a woman who’s main concern is wealth.  Sure, in our world we have to have at least something, but in my eyes what I have, thanks to God, is all I need.  Sadly, in this day and age the mutual thought from the opposite sex is nearly nonexistent.  Wealth, flashy clothes, expensive cars, and a big house; all of those things don’t make my heart happy.  I’m passionate about the real things that matter.  Some of those things, for example, are the love I have for God, the love for family and friends, the love for the arts (music, movies, etc), and the love for knowledge.

It was great to have that conversation that I did with my dear and close friend on Friday night.  It woke me up and made me remember just what it is that I’m looking for in friends and potential relationships.  I must remind myself to not settle for anything less.  I want people that are going to wake up my passions and people who have their heart set on greater things than what is in this world.  I want to always feel that buzz like I did on Friday night.

Identity

I was going to write about something different over the weekend, but my love of movies brought me to watch the great film Revenge of the Nerds on Saturday morning.  Initially, I wanted to watch the movie for the laughs that all the characters have brought me (I’ve seen this film numerous times), but during this viewing of it, I found myself really connecting with the message that the film was trying to give.  That message is acceptance of the difference we have as individuals.  I’ll freely admit that I’m a dork, a nerd, a loner, and an introvert so I’ve always felt like I’ve been ridiculed the majority of my life.  It doesn’t help that I’m short AND fat, but I digress it wasn’t until I really took the ending speech of the film to heart that I realized that Gilbert and Lewis were really speaking up for people like me to the popular people, the pretty people, the whatever you want to call them that have always looked down on people like me who just happen to be different.  Sure, there was a time that I felt I had to conform and try to fit in, but honestly it’s just not me.  Here’s the speech I’m talking about:

Gilbert: I just wanted to say that I’m a nerd, and I’m here tonight to stand up for the rights of other nerds. I mean uh, all our lives we’ve been laughed at and made to feel inferior. And tonight, those bastards, they trashed our house. Why? Cause we’re smart? Cause we look different? Well, we’re not. I’m a nerd, and uh, I’m pretty proud of it.

Lewis: Hi, Gilbert. I’m a nerd too. I just found that out tonight. We have news for the beautiful people. There’s a lot more of us than there are of you. I know there’s alumni here tonight. When you went to Adams you might’ve been called a spazz, or a dork, or a geek. Any of you that have ever felt stepped on, left out, picked on, put down, whether you think you’re a nerd or not, why don’t you just come down here and join us. Okay? Come on.

Gilbert: Just join us cos uh, no-one’s gonna really be free until nerd persecution ends.

So, yes.  I’m smart, yes I look different, yes I am a nerd, spazz, dork, AND a geek.  You know what?  I’m pretty damn proud of it too.  While I’m on quotes, here’s another one that I associate myself with:

“No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.” – George Carlin

Now, I won’t say that I’m with it word for word because I am a very religious man.  I am a proud Traditionalist Catholic (as I’ve heard people call people like me); however I have little interest in associating myself in a group of people of any kind.  I’d weird like that.  I’m very much a one man wolf pack (as the character in The Hangover, Alan, calls himself).  I’m not comfortable in a group setting.  I wish I could tell you why, but I’m just not.  I don’t want to gather together in a social setting to talk about things, I don’t want to collectively march for a cause, I don’t want to not be able to freely express my individual thoughts if it doesn’t jive with the greater message.  Not to get into politics or moral ideals or whatnot, but I’m a firm believer that my thoughts and ideas on things are my own.  Who am I to tell somebody else what’s right for them?  And even more so, who the HELL do people think they are to tell ME what’s right for me?  Even if you do know me, what you think may be right might be something that I’m not comfortable with or want to do.  That’s pretty much it in a nutshell.  So, no.  I don’t want to join your club, no I don’t want to join your stupid union, no I don’t want to go to your dumb meeting.  I have no interest in it.  And just like the late, great, George Carlin I too love and treasure individuals as I meet them but I could care less about their greater groups they identify with.  I want no part in it.

I think that’s a pretty good reason why I find myself hanging out with the people I do.  For as much as we are different, there is a bit of the “rejected by society for one reason or another” aspect to us.  It could be that, or it could be that we are sympathetic to each other’s individual needs and we just click. It’s hard to tell now, but it works.  It is very difficult for me to want to meet new people, and expose myself to new situations.  I’m too old for that crap now, you know?  And I don’t think it’s being narrow minded or whatever either.  I honestly think that I’m old enough and experienced enough to know what it is that I do and do not like, so I find myself seeking out the things that I do and only branch out into the subfields of those likes.  I don’t think that’s a bad thing.  I personally believe that my current mission in life is to be happy, so I’m going to be who I want to be, do what I want to do, and hang out with who I want to in order to keep myself happy.  I’ve been down so long that I think I deserve to treat myself to that happiness.  If it means that I have to be labeled as a nerd, dork, spazz, weirdo, freak, loser, etc. then so be it.  I’m 2 months shy of 36 years old and I’m finally at peace with it all.  Here’s to staying happy.

“Introvert

An introvert generally prefers solitary activities to interacting with large groups of people. If you would rather work through your feelings in your diary than have a conversation, then you are an introvert.  Introvert comes from Latin intro-, “inward,” and vertere, “turning.” It describes a person who tends to turn inward mentally. Introverts sometimes avoid large groups of people, feeling more energized by time alone.”

That description comes directly from here and that pretty much describes me.  I’ve always been that way, actually.  It’s all thanks to my mom (RIP) who was a very shy person.  I got a lot of her traits, all good ones by the way, and the two that I find to be most prominent happen to be the kindness (to a fault most of the damn time) and the introverted personality.  Sadly those two things don’t mix well as I always put others before myself and find myself doing things and going places that quite frankly I have zero interest in doing or going to.  That’s not to say that I don’t have fun going to places or whatnot, but I find myself happiest on my own or with my small circle of friends.  I’ll say this about it right now too; it’s not a bad thing or a thing I should be ashamed about, so get off my ass if you feel differently because honestly I don’t care.  Your opinions have been noted, but they clash with mine and not to be a dick, I value my opinion on that matter more than other’s on the subject.

Anyway, I say all of this to say that in the time that I’ve been really alone (for the most part) the past few months, I’ve found that I’ve had a renewed energy that has given fresh prospective and vitality into my life.  I still can’t get the ideal schedule I want to have really started, but hey, unless I die soon I’ll get there!  All I know is that I’m probably the happiest I’ve been in a long time, probably ever, thanks to the things that have been going on in my life.  I’ve had so much fun these past couple of months!  I’ve gotten to spend quality time with my best friends by playing music, singing songs, and drinking of course.  I also got the chance to really explore the greater Southwest with one of my very dear friends for two weeks and by doing that it made me remember about just how blessed I am to live where I do.  El Paso and the 800 miles in every direction around us here is so unique.  It’s something that I take for granted until I’m reminded about just how beautiful things are here in the desert Southwest.  So much history, so many different locations that are one of a kind here on our planet, the people, everything… I take it all for granted until it gets brought to my attention.  It was so much fun to visit the Grand Canyon, drive through northern Arizona into the Las Vegas Metroplex and back down into Phoenix and see just how many habitat changes occur from place to place.  Then of course, seeing Carlsbad Caverns and White Sands which for the latter is a one of a kind place in the world, just made me feel like such an idiot for not going to check these places out more often.  For as much crap that I talk about hating on New Mexico, that state is badass for camping, hiking, and national parks/monuments.

Which brings me to my next thought.  Getting to actually do more of these things!  My friends, dare I say family, and I have been talking about going out to these places more often but our stupid lives keep getting in the way!  I think that after this year of transition that we’ve ALL had, next year will clear up and allow us to go camping more, go hiking more, and go to these places in the area that we take for granted.

In the beautiful words of a homegirl of mine, I need to get my shit together.  I think I am.  Every day, I’m becoming more and more of the person that I’ve always strived to be.  That person is a man who is sure of his path in life.  That path is full of happiness, the perfect friends, and the perfect peace in himself.  I’m almost there, man.  I can see it within my reach.  There is one more thing though.  I think that Dr. Emmett L. Brown said it best when he said, “Better that I devote myself to study the other great mystery of the universe: women!”

Hahaha!

Until next time, my friends.

Jesus and I love you!

If it makes me happy

I’ve had so many things that I’ve wanted to talk about lately, but I never seem to find the time to really flesh out the ideas to and of course life gets in the way so I forget what it is that I wanted to babble on about.  There is one thing, however, that has stuck in my dome and that is happiness.  Some of my best friends will tell you that I’m not happy, but I can assure anybody reading this right now that I’m probably the happiest that I’ve been in a very long time.  Things in my life have actually really come together quite nicely as of late and I’m finding my daily routine to be what I’ve really wanted for the longest time in my life.  It’s such a strange thing to say too, considering my current life situation, but holy smokes I am having a great time!

As most of you know, I’ve recently moved to the central area of my beautiful city, El Paso, and it has really been a blessing that I didn’t even know I was looking for.  Crazy to say, right?  It’s true though!  I’m 12 or so minutes from work, 10 minutes from church, 2 minutes from my gym (when I decide to get my fat ass back in there), and I’m 2 minutes from various grocery and big box stores.  Hell the big box store is in a mall that has some pretty interesting things too including an inferior pictureshow joint to the better Cinemark Theater locations here in town, but when in a pinch, that will have to do.  So, I say all of that to say that I have nothing to really complain about as far as driving goes because Lord knows I hate slow idiot drivers and I don’t have to deal with very many of them in my journeys now.  Good thing with that as well is that I’m not really using too much gas either, so I’m saving money there too.  All and all, it’s pretty freakin’ awesome.  My new joint is pretty chill as well and has really thick walls so I don’t have to have my music or movies at a whisper level because none of my neighbors can hear the noise and I can’t hear theirs either.  It’s pretty badass, to be honest.

So, I say all of that to confidently say that I’m just about the happiest I will ever get all things considered.  And by all things considered, I would be totally happy if my mother was here to see all that I’ve accomplished with my life.  I know, of course, that she is always with me in spirit, but it’s just not the same and I can honestly say that I will never truly be 100% happy without her here.

Now that I have made myself tear up a bit, I can get back to some of the things I’ve wanted to say about my journey to happiness.  Over the past few years, I’ve slowly discovered the people and things that bring me peace and happiness.  It’s been great to take the journey I’ve taken to find those people and places and I’ve learned so much in that time too.  I have our Lord Jesus Christ and the blessing that has been FSSP to guide me along my spiritual path.  I also have my small circle of close friends whom I consider family, my blood related family, and lastly I have the places outside of my personal space that makes me happy.  If you know me, you should know that those places are either camping out in a forest in the area, the greater Phoenix area, and of course Las Vegas.  Soon, I want to add going to San Diego to that list, but that’s another story entirely.

Funny thing about all of that is that for some of the people I hold dear, that isn’t good enough for them for some crazy reason.  I can’t understand why that is, honestly, but they think that I need to be in some sort of romantic relationship or in some friends with benefits agreement to fulfil a part of me that is apparently missing.  Actually, I was laughing at even typing that out because for as much as I would have loved to have that back in the day, I have learned to accept and adapt to the reality of the situation.  That situation is that the chances are highly likely that neither of those scenarios will ever happen.  Oddly enough, I am perfectly ok with that too despite what people may think.  Don’t think that I am coming to that conclusion irrationally though.  I have had a lot of time to think about it.

Hell, thinking about that now just puts a smile on my face.  What comes to mind, actually, is the thought of spending time with my close friends doing the things we love to do.  That’s what makes me the happiest.  Most of the time that just involves hanging out trying to make each other laugh while drinking various adult beverages, creating music, listening to music, or a combination of all 3.

I will add to all of this that when I am not hanging out with my friends, I really do enjoy the solitude that I have.  It’s beautiful to come home to a quiet place and do life at my pace.  My pace usually includes the first 30 minutes to 1 hour of quiet.  Then normally it’s podcasts or music if anything while I cook dinner.  I’ve never been much of a TV watcher and even now the only thing I’ll find myself watching is sporting events, mainly NASCAR (as you should all know if you’ve gotten this far in reading this post).  It’s a beautiful thing, peace and quiet.  The only downside is that I don’t have much time between getting home, making dinner, cleaning up the kitchen, and general recharging before I have to call it a night during the week.  I don’t mind too much, to be honest, as I’ve gotten used to not having time after work and before sleep.  It’s a good thing for me that I LOVE to clean because that takes up a lot of my free time too.  Funny thing about that is how surprised people are when they come to visit to find an organized place that doesn’t smell like bawls and booze.  LOL!  I’m a dude, but why expect some kind of slummy bachelor pad.  I guess they don’t really know me then!  I am very organized and a clean freak, which goes well with my other odd qualities.  Hahaha!

So I say all of that to reiterate that I’m happy.  I’m the happiest that I can see myself getting with everything considered, so I hope that the people that care can stop worrying about me.  I’m Kool n’ the gang and I’m having the time of my life.  I wake up every morning happy for what the day will bring and enjoy every minute of every day.

More to come later!

Cheers to new beginnings

I have been meaning to write this out for quite some time in one form or another, but time has escaped me.  Not tonight though.  Time be damned, I feel like I have to write this out.  Yet again, as I seem to always write, things have been changing in my life.

See, I finally started to get serious about changes a few years back and of course setback after setback has happened.  Mainly those setbacks have been all my fault, but some of those have been roadblocks that I know will still be in my path for quite some time.  The thing about those bastards still there is that I can see the time where those roadblocks will no longer be there and it’s really gotten me anxious.  I just want the next 12 months to pass.  I want this last little bit of my current life to be over!  I’m normally a very patient dude, but being able to see that finish line has me going crazy.

Not to stray too far away from the point of my ramblings here, but as some of you know, I’ve gone back home to hotels.  It was a very odd turn of events, and believe me, I wasn’t actively looking to go back.  Things just… happened.  I’m glad they did, honestly.  I missed it.  I had one of those Cinderella moments (the glam metal band, not the character) where I heard Tom sing “You don’t know what you got, ‘till it’s gone!!!!”  Well, that’s what I felt about working at hotels.  It first hit me the first time I stayed at a hotel after I went to contract for Tio Samuel.  I got a glimpse of the life that I left behind and I instantly missed it.  I had to get back, one way or another.  I kinda half assed tried here and there, and I even almost made it back to Vegas where I’ve tried to get gigs before!  Alas, southern Nevada wasn’t meant to be and I let my dream go for a bit.  I had other problems to deal with… like getting rid of my damn debt, which I’ve come to realize now is my penance for completely ruining my own life from age 18 to about 30.  12 years of complete stupidity and I have nothing good to show for it.  Sure, there were small victories in that time period, but mostly I spent that time checking off every sin in the book, hell, sometimes I’d commit some repeatedly just to be sure that I checked it off my list.  I was an idiot.  I literally pissed away my money and I dig myself a pretty deep hole.  Awe, hell, you know me… I love a good challenge!  Not that I ever really tackle most of those challenges because of my intense fear and hatred of rejection, but there are some challenges that I kinda like.  Here’s one in particular:  There are times in life that I like to completely destroy everything good just to see if I can rebuild and make it better!  I’m an idiot like that.  Well, check that.  Was.  I think I got it right this time.  Thanks to the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ and the beautiful gift He gave me of putting important people BACK into my life and letting them show me my true path in life.  If it wasn’t for that, I would have still be a lost idiot messing up my life in different ways.  Now, I find myself with all the life experiences that I could have asked for to know what NOT to do, plus the drive to be the best person that I can now and God willing for the rest of my life.  I’m on this path now where I’m slowly letting go of all the bad in my life, letting in all of the great as I move along to the small goals I have set for myself along the way.  Slowly but surely, things are getting better and falling into place as they should.

I’m excited, y’all.  My penance is nearly through and all I can see is a bright future.  Physical things are going to get fixed… like my beautiful Bestia, for one!  LOL.  She has been through hell!  Dents, broken pieces, all due to freak incidents, but within the next few months, she’ll be repaired and back to new.  I jumped the gun on my other baby, my beautiful Tama Silverstar Custom.  There were small things that needed to be fixed, and I just could NOT pass up the deal I saw for that Iron Cobra JR double bass petal.  The next thing to look forward to is saving up the few K’s it’s going to take to get a new place to crash and some accessories to put in it.  Thankfully, I won’t need much.  All this should take me 12 months, but then… it’s onto the next goal.  What that next goal is, I really have no idea.  I suppose I would call it just really making sure that I enjoy life more.  Enjoy the small things.  Don’t take anything or more importantly anyONE for granted.  Cherish those that God has put into my life.  Things like that.  Sometimes I find that I fall short in doing those things, but I got to make a better effort.  If I can save the ducats, I want to try to make it out to north Texas more often to see dear friends and family of mine in the DFW area… I want to make it a priority to go camping in the area more like the Gila, Cloudcroft, and other places in the otherwise wasteland that is New Mexico… I want to be able to take those reckless 36 hour trips to Las Vegas for no other reason than to say that I really wanted to have a beer at the Yardhouse at the Linq and a burger at BLT… and well see all my dear friends there too! Stuff like that, I want to do.  I WILL do once I get everything sorted out.  I gotta do the things that make me happy and spend the time with the people that make me happy.  There are a handful of people and I hope they know who they are!!!  I love them so very much and very deeply.  I want them to share in this crazy journey with me.  Exciting times are coming up, amigos!

I’ll try to blog things out some more when I get the time to really form my ideas into more than random thoughts.

STAY TUNED!

Love you all!

Star Trek > Star Wars

Well,

I’ve been thinking a lot about a touchy topic in the nerd world lately.  That topic is the ongoing war between Star Trek and Star Wars.  I seem to always be fighting a battle with all of the star wars losers all the time because of their hatred over the fact that Trek mostly deals more with philosophy, morality, and the betterment of a future us and it all so happens to take place sometimes in space.  I can see their argument, I suppose, but that’s the thing I seem to find myself looking for the older my balls get.  I’ll admit, though, that I’ve always been more of a Trek fan than a Wars fan.

This thought really all came about when I finally got the chance to see Star Trek Into Darkness and really enjoyed watching what I saw.  Granted, this like ‘09’s Trek wasn’t as traditional of a Trek movie as the previous films, this was still Star Trek.  I was reminded why I love the series and why I am looking forward to a possible future if we can get our shit together.

In keeping up with my dork boner, if you will, the thought of all thoughts came to me about why I’m such a proud Trek fan.  Tell me when the hell the last time you’ve heard people up in an outrage over the directing and/or story from what Bill Shatner did with Star Trek V:  The Final Frontier or the films Star Trek:  Insurrection or Star Trek:  Nemesis?  Never.  I think I know why.  I know why I don’t.  I enjoyed the films.  My life wasn’t ruined because of some character I didn’t like.  As a matter of fact, I only mentioned those films because those were the ones that some people didn’t like as much as the others.  Tell me of the last time star wars honk had anything good to say about Episodes 1, 2, & 3.  RIGHT!  Never!  These assholes are full of hate!  What the hell are their problems??  Jar Jar?  Haden Christiansen?  What the hell did Haden do wrong?  He did a badass job, in my opinon!  And Jar Jar, hell, Lucas did you all a favor and made him the reason the empire existed!  And furthermore, I’d argue that the star wars universe was run better as an empire.  The rebels were the ones being terroristic with shit! UGH!  Ok, now I’m pissed!  FUCK star wars!

That’s all I gotta say.

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