Forever a Clone

I'm just a clone, talking away while nobody listens

Archive for the month “March, 2012”

a long winded update/thank you note

I’ve been meaning to write this blog for a while, but I always find myself to be preoccupied by one thing or another.  Anyway, I’m sure nobody reading this gives any fuck about what I write, but I feel I need to get it out anyway.

 

Slowly, I have been changing… evolving if you will.  I’ve come a long way since that Monday, July 18th, 2011 in the food court area at The Palms in Las Vegas where I nearly decided to die.  I’ll ALWAYS remember that day.  I can still go back and remember how alone, broken, empty, and dead I felt sitting there wondering why the FUCK I should even continue breathing.  It was selfish, stupid, and immature of me to think that.  So much has happened in the 8 months since then.  I got a good 2 month treatment of anti-depressants, I opened up to my true friends here in town, and I’ve twitter-befriended a lot of people that I am VERY grateful to have in my life.

 

I know I sound like a broken record saying this, but I really do feel more and more grateful each day.  I find a different reason to keep going.  The past few weeks has been family and friend oriented.  My nephew, Little Dude (that’s what I’ve called him since birth), has really started to bond with me the past few months and that really means a lot to me.  I’ve always wanted to be the uncle to him that my aunt Olivia has been to me… like a secondary parent.  Granted, that little punk has gone through his stages of baby hatred towards me, homeboy has come to realize now being 4 and a half years old that I’m there for him and love him dearly.  I had a low moment about two weeks ago and it was him that brought me out of it.  I thought, “If I fucking kill myself, then what will happen to Little Dude?  He’d be fucked!  I have a responsibility to take care of him and raise him… show that fool the ropes!  I can’t fucking leave him.  He wouldn’t remember me if I did.”

 

See, I guess the reason I brought him up first is also because I’ve come to another realization.  I’m not sad about this or anything.  I’ve actually come to have peace about it.  I’m ok with it.  The shit I’m talking about is never getting married or having children of my own.  I was that “Forever Alone” meme to the T.  It used to be a big deal to me.  I felt that by not getting married and having kids, I was somehow letting my family down.  Now?  The hell with it.  I know it’s never going to happen.  I missed that train a while ago.  Sure, it hurt for a bit, but now I’m at peace with it.  Little Dude and any other kids brother happens to pop out are all I’ll ever have.  I gotta make the most of it.  It works out great that way too, come to think about it.  I can take care of that punk, but when shit goes down I can just pass him down to mommy to take care of the dirty work!  Hahaha!  😉

 

Anyway, back on track with shit… yea.  I realized that more than likely I’m going to be alone for the rest of my days.  After that became apparent, I started planning as I often do.  I came up with a 5 or so year plan.  Thanks to my many fuck ups, it’s going to take this long to really get back on my feet.  When I do, things are going to happen fast.  Actually, things are already moving.  As you may have noticed, I’ve become quite the outdoorsman.  Why the fuck I didn’t start this earlier, I have no idea, but it’s my true calling.  Being out in nature is so soothing to my soul.  I get a better high than any delicious beer could have EVER given me.  It’s so therapeutic to be out in the mountains, hiking… looking at all the curiosities in the environment come together.  Ok, now I’m sounding like some sort of fucking shithead hippie, but for real, being out there is changing me.  Aside from being poisoned a few weeks ago at practice, the one beer I had at Twinkie McMeatwhistle’s birthday bash, a few I had during the Daytona 500, and the 3 I had at Gonzo’s last night, I haven’t drank any booze.

 

I don’t miss it at all.  As a matter of fact, the crazy dream I tweeted about the other day said so!  Well, according to Gonzo.  I tend to agree with him.  That escape that I would seek and get from the hooch is being replaced with natural highs.  Golfing, swimming, hiking, and in a few weeks camping… it’s those things that are making me happy.  Doing those things with the people I love, cherish, and hold dear to me are healing my broken body, mind, and soul.  I don’t need the alcohol anymore.  It’s such a great feeling.  Hell, losing the weight I’m losing is also helping me.

 

So, yea.  Part of the 5 year plan involves cutting my drinking down dramatically, and dedicating at least my Saturdays to doing something or things outdoors.

 

The other main goal I have in my 5 year plan is to buy a house.  I’m really super fucked in debt right now and although I see that pinhead of light when I look up, I know it’s going to take 4-5 years to climb my dumb ass out of the abyss that I threw myself into.  When I do get out of this hole, however, I’ll finally be able to get the fuck outta here, and buy a house of my own.  I can’t wait for that day.  I’m going to continue leading a very simple and quiet life, but only then I’ll be outta my ol’ man’s way.  I’ve changed to become a different person than he is.  Well, honestly, we’ve never been too similar aside from our love of sports, but otherwise, we are completely different people.  I really don’t give a fuck about TV, I love to spend time with friends, and I am open about my feelings.  He is the polar opposite with all of those things.  It’s created a little friction on my part and honestly, I can’t continue to conform to make him happy.  That’s not my job anymore.  When I get my house, sure I’ll have a cool TV and a good surround sound system for when I watch films, both forms of football, baseball, and most importantly, NASCAR… but I doubt I’ll really put too much use into it outside of that.  I’ve got too many other things to do that are taking the place of that.  I’ll still be going to the gym, I want to read more books, I want to listen to more podcasts, I want to listen to more music… hell, I even enjoy just having peace and quiet in the dark.  I don’t need to be distracted by mindless TV.  When I’m not doing any of that, I’m sure I’ll be out in the great outdoors.  It’ll be fun.

 

Speaking of fun, I can’t wait for the next two weeks to pass.  Our group of outdoor madness that we call Roadshow Mary Magdalene is taking our first group camping trip.  Needless to say, I’ve gone a bit nuts with anticipation for our first group overnight event.  I’ve already gotten fully prepared two weeks ahead of time.  Granted, my work and gym schedule will not allow me to prepare closer to the event, I still find it pretty crazy that I’m ready to go as of now.  I know that I’m not the only one all pumped up to go, and that makes me even more excited.  It should be a lot of fun.  I’m sure I’m going to take a shitload of pictures and perhaps I will have to make a picture blog documenting all of it.

 

So, as I end this long rant, I’d like to tell anybody that reads this… thank you.  In one way or another, you’ve saved me.  You make me happy that I’m still here.  My life is great.  Hell, it’s getting better every day.  I can’t wait to see what the future has in store for me.  Just know that you’ve touched my life and I love you dearly for that.

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