This and That in September

Hi y’all!  Long time no talk.  I know my last 10 or so blog posts have been brief, but that’s due in part to the lack of time I’ve been giving to really formulate my thoughts.  Believe me, there are a lot of thoughts that have been going through my head lately.  Much like most if not all of my blog posts, I’m just going to start typing and see where this one goes.  Bear with me, y’all!

So, where should I start?  I think I’m going to start off with October 5, 2020.  That’s the date that I either get paid $113 or I owe a friend $113.  The reason for that odd number (and yes that triggers my OCD like feelings) is that as of September 9^th, that’s rounded up to how many pounds I need to lose to get to my goal weight.  I took the high and the low numbers from an ideal weight calculator website that takes 5 popular formulas, and found the average to be 137.6 pounds.  I know, it sounds insane to some people, especially those who know me in the outside world, but I think I’m going to do it.  Now, I really have no choice, unless my friend tells me to stop because I look sick or something.  I know I’m only 9 days out from the true beginning of this journey, but I’m feeling really good about it all.  I expected a big loss quickly, and sure enough I got it at my first weigh in, but now I’m motivated for the long haul.  I’ve even already gotten to the point of me going a full hour on the arc trainer and elliptical machines to burn off a lot of calories.  I know I can do this and I don’t even need any kind of support system to do it.  I’m doing this out of sheer curiosity and willpower.  I know I’m going to get to my goal weight before next October 5^th, but it’s just a matter of when.  If I push myself to lose 3 pounds a week, I might even reach my goal on June 1^st of this coming year.  A full 5 months ahead of schedule.  I think I can do that too.  Like I was telling my bandmates/best friends, I really have two goals in mind right now.  First one is to get down to my lowest adult weight that I ended up hitting like 6 years ago.  I decided to celebrate that a little too much and derailed the whole thing.  Secondly, after that, I’m going to keep going and instead of looking too far ahead, I’m going to take things 5 pounds at a time.  Before I know it, I’ll be where I need to be.  That thought actually excites me too, and does not scare me at all.  I’m looking forward to each 5lb checkpoint.  Smaller goals will mean that I’ll get to the ultimate goal in the end.  I’ll be sure to continually check in with my progress here!

As for other things in my life, I seem to have messed up the balance with things yet again.  My love life is a complete disaster which is trying it’s best to really mess with my depression, but otherwise my mental health has taken a turn for the better and has given me the will to succeed at the other aspects of my life.  My spiritual journey as I walk with Christ is good.  I mean, it can always be better, but I feel like I grow and learn more every single day.  My passion for organization and cleanliness has also ramped up.  I know that’s an annoying shock to my friends in the outside world too as they say that I’m already too much of a clean freak and am OCD with my organization.  Little do they know that I’ve only scratched the surface of that quirk of mine!  So, we’ll see how this little journey of mine goes.  I’m really curious to see if my focus on God and keeping things in clean order stay or exceed their current levels.

In a last bit of things that I wanted to mention and talk about was general human interaction and the perceived difference between the two sexes (YES, I said two!).  The reason I bring this up is because in my talks with my female friends, I find that these friends of mine either end up messing around with complete douchebags or get their hopes up and played by complete douchebags, then I get to hear the “well, guys are horrible!” blast.  I, of course, take great offense to that because even though they don’t believe me until they really notice my behavior, they think I’m just standing up for manhood.  No, it’s not that, it’s just that I hate to be lumped in with guys who use women like objects and don’t show them any respect.  I know I think this way, but I’ve actually been told that I think like a woman.  It’s probably because I was primarily raised by my mom as my dad worked his ass off to provide for us.  That’s why I keep such a clean house like I do.  That’s why I know how to cook the dishes I do and love to do that by the way, that’s why I don’t do the typical male things (I don’t know which ones, you pick one!) either.  I’m just wired differently.  I see a lot of things from the female prospective.  Hell, I even love in dating-esque relationships like a woman, so I think that has a lot to do with the fact that I seem to always either get cheated on, or otherwise mistreated in my relationships.  I’ve been told by female friends that they want men to act like men.  Obviously I get confused at that, because what is a man supposed to act like?  Chauvinistic?  Because if that’s it, then to hell with that!  I just don’t understand.  I’m not innocent in the dating life.  I know I make mistakes, but showing respect and treating everybody the way I would want to be treated is always rule number one with me.  I only actually stand up for myself and defend myself when I just get pushed too far.  There’s only so much abuse, disrespect, etc. that I can take before I break.

The thing that got me into this tangent was a co-worker of mine who talks to me about her dating adventures sometimes.  Homegirl was raised very traditionally Mexican and I’m sure has the mentality of men having to do all the work in the relationship (meaning, calling first, inviting out for dates, etc.  that type of thing).  She felt so embarrassed to ask a guy to see a movie with her.  Of course he didn’t respond to her, so she felt even worse and hated the feeling of rejection.  I found it so comical when she told me that she felt embarrassed and rejected because when I said “How do you think I felt all the times that happened?!  That’s why I stopped!” to her response of “but you’re a guy!”  Then I shook my head in shame because in her mind, apparently men have no sense of rejection, embarrassment, or shame.  To her, apparently, men go out to conquer women and get whatever it is that they are looking for then move on.  They are like animals, spreading their seed, unwilling to settle down with one woman.  It’s kinda sad that she has this warped world view.  Maybe it’s the horribly corrupt world we live in now, maybe it’s something else.  God knows what it may be, but I know I can’t be the only male out there who treats their date/girlfriend/wife with just common respect and dignity, right?  Needless to say, I told her that she’s got a lot to learn about the opposite sex, but that my proverbial door is always open if she needed to talk about anything.

So there it is, my friends.  Time to get at this thing we call life!

Talk again soon!

Advertisements

End of Summer Cleaning

Hi y’all!

Welcome to the officially downturn on the year.  2019, we hardly knew thee!  What the heck, right?!  It’s hard for me to think of it, but it’s true.  We’re now into September and that means the summer is almost over along with it’s crazy assed heat.  I started noticing the change 2 weekends ago while I was watching NFL preseason football on a Saturday afternoon and the sun had already set over the Franklin Mountains (that I see directly out of my front window), but it was only 7pm!  Gone were the days of sunlight until 9pm.  Each day for the next few months will be shorter than the day before it.  I don’t know about y’all, but I LOVE it!  There’s nothing like getting home with the sun setting at around 4:30pm and being in complete darkness by 5pm.  It’s pretty beautiful and I’m looking forward to that in the next few weeks and months ahead.

Speaking of changes and the like, as I mentioned in my previous post, for some wild reason a few weeks back I went into total cleaning mode.  Granted that ever since I moved into the new flat, I had left my mom’s things in plastic bags (take that hippies hahaha!) in the shelves of my bathroom, it finally started to bother me that I was totally clean and organized everywhere but like 3 trouble spots in my joint.  The bathroom, my rolling storage container at the front door, and my damn dresser were the spots.  After the great vegetable oil disaster in my kitchen prompted me to address the counterspace where I keep empty booze bottles full of memories and the washing of various styles of glassware in the cabinets above and around, it sparked the cleaning and reorganizing bug in me.  I finally took to taking everything off the shelves in the bathroom and laying it all out on my bed to organize.  I went to the Target across the street and got containers to put the things in and found that beautiful feeling of having everything clean and organized that I crave so much and so often.  This all happened AFTER I got to my dresser, mind you!  The only thing that was left was my rolling storage container.  The odd thing about all of this was that after 4 months of dread, I got the routine notice about pest control spraying, so that meant moving out of my kitchen for a day.  Considering that I had already washed ¾ of my glassware, this was going to be a breeze and actually work into my end of summer cleaning.

After moving everything out yesterday during my supposed day off in anticipation of having this pest control done today, I found myself wondering how hoarders do it.  As it looks like right now in my flat, I have dishes, pots, pans, and containers all over 4 out of 5 cushions on my couch.  I have pots, pans, and kitchen devices up against a wall and my digital video cabinet, and 3 out of my 4 seats and sitting area on my kitchen table are taken up with my Keurig machine, knife block, and other handy materials.  Hoarders live this way as a regular lifestyle!  I could never.  I mean, I have a lot of stuff, but not anywhere near to this level.  Funny enough, I’ve gotten to the point of throwing things out that I really don’t use.  The thought of being trapped in a house full of things like amazes me.

All I know is that it feels like I have gone through a renewal.  There’s nothing like rearranging things to make things a little better.  If only I could find a way to zone out for the 2+ hours it’s going to take to put my house back together this afternoon.  Holy SMOKES.

It’s the Last Monday in August!

Hi y’all!

Man, what a time I’ve been having as of late.  Yes, we’re 23 days removed from the mass shooting here in the city, and as far as I go, things seem to be back in order.  So much has been happening lately that I don’t even feel like it’s only been those 3 weeks since I was paralyzed with fear.

To catch you up with some things in my life, thanks to one of my best friends and bandmates moving back into town after 6 years gone, our band is back in full swing of things.  We have our first return gig in over 6 years booked at a bar I’ve been to a lot of times (that sounds bad, right?) and each practice we’ve had we’ve sounded better and better.  I’m really looking forward to September 6^th and going back on stage to perform in front of a crowd.  There’s nothing like that feeling.

My personal life is still a fun little wreck.  I wish I could really express everything I’m feeling, but I don’t even know how to, honestly.  I just try to take that part of my life day by day and take the good with the bad and pray for more good than bad.

Speaking of good things, I don’t know what the heck came over me last week, but I had the inclination to clean and organize my dresser in my room and also to rearrange my drum storage area in my room too.  It’s odd when one wonders why the hell they keep the things that they do sometimes.  I had been holding on to some stuff that I should have thrown out a long time prior, but I just never did.  This is one of my weird quirks.  Considering that I get ridiculed for my meticulous cleaning, it’s odd that I let things like that slip sometimes.  I’m super clean, tidy, and organized, but even my organization just slips by the wayside sometimes.  It felt good to toss out the things that I needed to and to put all of my books onto one place and see everything neat and organized again.  I didn’t even stop there.  Since I moved into my place over 3 years ago, I had some of my mom’s things that my dad’s wife had originally wanted to throw away just put into plastic bags on the shelving in my bathroom.  I had everything else kinda clustered there on my shelves as well as I just didn’t put emphasis on organizing those things.  That was until I decided to after my dresser fun.  I ended up throwing a few things out that I was keeping too, organized my travel bag, and everything else, bought some plastic storage boxes and completely rearranged the shelves.  MAN!  What a difference that made!  Doing those two little projects just made me feel so relaxed and happy.  Hell, I’m forgetting about a forced cleaning that I had to do on my kitchen as well that happened last Thursday!  I was reminded that mixing ice and 375°F hot vegetable oil do not mix well.  About 1.5 liters of said oil overflowed from my deep fryer onto one of my kitchen counters where I keep a few cool beer and liquor bottles I’ve collected over the years along with my knife block, and also spilled down the side of some of my kitchen cabinets AND the floor, so I took about 3 hours out of my Thursday afternoon to deconstruct that area, clean everything up, and rearrange my bottles and knife block and ended up with even more space than I had before as well.  Even though that was a forced cleaning and rearranging, it brought me a lot of satisfaction to have that clean and organized.

So now that brings me to my everlasting battle with my fitness.  For as much jump starting as I seem to do all the time, I also do an equal amount of “yeah, how about no.” to that as well.  What the heck, right?!  Each week it seems to be that something else is hindering my goals to get back to the gym and lose the weight.  I’m hoping that maybe now with things getting back to normal yet again, this can be a possibility.  I’ll be honest, it’s getting tiring fighting this battle and I know I can’t give up, but dang it is a pain in the ass!  Slow and steady wins the race, though, right?  I just hope so!  Wish me luck on that front, my friends!

Here’s to hoping that this Monday brings forward renewed energy!

Talk again soon!

Saturday in El Paso, Texas

As of this writing, it’s been 48 hours since a 21 year old kid drove 9 or so hours from the northern part of my state to my city to kill people like me.  Hispanic people whether or not they were born here in the United States (like me) or whether or not they crossed over from our sister city, Ciudad Juarez, Chihuahua, Mexico… either way this maniac wanted us dead.

It was a normal Saturday morning for me.  I was trying to enjoy my one day a week that I don’t wake up to an alarm and get my day started.  The plan for the day was to get up to make breakfast, clean the kitchen up, get a list of things to buy across the street from me at Target for my trip to the DFW area this coming weekend, go to the gym, hit up said Target, then get back home to shower and catch up with Netflix and Hulu as much as I could.

In the middle of cleaning the kitchen up and watching something that I already forget that I had on just as background noise, one of my bandmates started up our group chat on Facebook messenger saying “Hey stay away from the Cielo Vista area…there is an active shooter at the Walmart”.  It was about 11:15ish or so.  Yeah, I was getting the day started a bit later than I wanted to, but my initial reaction was something along the lines of “damn.  Maybe some person just either specifically shot at somebody else or they accidentally fired a gun or something.” Not what was actually going down.  Shortly after his message, however, more information started flooding in.  I turned my cable box on (yeah, I still have cable.  The apartment complex provides it for us, so I use it for some channels) and switched it to the local news stations.  KTSM was first.  Nothing.  Just a message scrolling along the bottom of the screen saying that the message my friend had sent and that they had a crew heading that way.  KVIA had nothing yet.  KFOX and KDBC had nothing either.  So more reason not to kinda worry.  And I say kinda worry because to put things in perspective, the Walmart where this went down is THREE MILES from where I live.

To be honest, I never go to that particular Walmart because it’s just too damn crazy all the time and it’s an older model store that doesn’t have the same layout as the newest versions of their stores are.  As I’ve said a few times here, my introversion drives me away from really crowded places like that, as it’s always an adventure just trying to find a parking spot there, much less to get through their isles to try to find the things I need to get.  I go to one that is 2 miles further away from me, but is newer and has a little bit more breathing room for me to navigate through.  It’s still chaotic, mind you, but I’m used to that chaos.  Same goes for the location by my dad’s house that I’ll go to sometimes.  Oddly enough, I actually DID go to the Walmart by my dad’s house on Friday night because I filled my gas tank up at one of the stations in his neighborhood because the prices are routinely 10-25 cents cheaper than ones near me.  Those cents add up considering I’m filling a 32 gallon capacity tank.  Anyway, after thanking God for making it to the gas station, as I was running on fumes, I drove the 3 minutes up to the Walmart, got critical groceries (since I just got paid that day and kinda live check to check most of the time), then drove back home to put the stuff up, then hit up the gym.

Back to the point and back to Saturday morning 11:30ish AM…

The group text goes on saying that it was on Fox News.  I tuned the TV to that and it was on commercial, so I switched it to MSNBC and that’s where I saw the headline on the bottom about it being a mass shooting and dozens were hurt and dead.  WHOA.  Word starts to get out even more and I started getting messages that there were multiple shooters and were going to target multiple locations.  El Paso was going to be a warzone starting NOW.  Next place in line was Bassett Place.  Bassett Place is a mall with two large anchor tenants on either side of the mall.  Costco is on one end and Target is on the other.  As I mentioned a few paragraphs ago, Bassett Place is essentially across the street from where I live.  Stupid me, not really thinking about it then, or whatever… I don’t know… go outside to throw an empty gallon of distilled water container in the dumpster about 25 feet from my door.  I can see the main street, Montana, from there (sorta) and I saw flashing emergency vehicle lights and heard their sirens.  They were probably going to Bassett.  Again, at this point, the fear or whatever didn’t kick in.  I don’t even know why not.  So strange right?  Best thing I can think of putting into words of what I was thinking at the time was “Heh.  Nah, man.  Nothing’s happening at Bassett right now.  Units are probably rushing up from the firehouse and stuff on Chelsea or something going to Cielo Vista.” And I walked back inside.  I got a group text from my dad including my sister about this point too, making sure we were ok.  That’s when another moment of heart dropping came into play.  For two reasons.  First of all, there could have been a very slight chance my sister could have been there.  She’s closer to the one I go to as well, but you never know.  She could have possibly gone there as I remember she has said she has before.  Secondly, what could my dad have been thinking?  He knows both of us are early risers and that we shop for groceries on Saturdays sometimes.  I can’t even imagine the terror he felt wondering if one or both of his children were dead, or if one or both of his grandchildren were dead.  I reply right away that I was home cleaning up the kitchen and my sister replied a few minutes after saying that they were safe.  WHEW!!!   Shortly after that, I get this message on my phone:

Shit got REAL then.  “ALL El Paso City/County residents are asked to shelter”?  My dumb ass was just outside throwing away something that could have waited and I put myself in harm’s way.  I saw the damn emergency vehicles!  I’m right next to another potential place of harm where bad people could run toward to try and escape, and there I was… walking out there.  HELL NO.  I tuned it to the local NBC affiliate, KTSM, who by then started to broadcast.  Multiple reports started coming out, messages were flying from friends.  Horizon City was next; Bassett was next, this was a coordinated attack by a large group of people.  I was in the line of fire.  Even if it was just one person, that one person was 3 miles away from me and could very well be heading my way. I was just frozen, I guess.  I didn’t think about this until later on in the night, but if for some reason somebody was going to spray bullets at my apartment unit… there was little in between the wall and me.  Just my new 4K UHD TV that wouldn’t stop a bullet and that was about it.  Even if I were to somehow fly over my couch, that’s just wood, suede, and foam.  Still not enough to stop bullets.  People started messaging me or commenting on my Facebook posts to stay inside and don’t leave my house.  HELL NO!  DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME TWICE!  I’M STAYING IN!  I started checking the police department twitter feed as that’s where the information was coming through and I see this:

Holy smokes.  Multiple reports of multiple shooters?  THEY are confirming it!  So, I blast out the screenshot of the emergency text telling people to not open up their doors if anybody knocks unless it’s the cops.  At this point, I think my nerves are starting to kick in.  I was flipping channels between KTSM, MSNBC, CNN, and Fox News trying to find the latest news and all they were saying and showing at that point were people coming out of Cielo Vista Mall but nothing about Walmart.  Then word came out that the shooter had been apprehended.  EPPD was still securing the situation and verifying if there were any more shooters.  At the time, they believed there was only one, but still be vigilant, they said.  Okay.  So, by 2 or so, it was confirmed to be all over.  The wild reports of possible things in different places were dying down.  KTSM had a screenshot of the killer at the front entrance, gun on him, ear and eye protection on probably about to shoot people as seen from the security camera.  Same description as what an eye witness said she saw of a man shooting at people in cars walking along the road.  Same description of a man, El Paso Police took into custody without incident on Viscount and Sunmount streets.  It was really over, but that was just the beginning for me.  I was glued to the TV.  I didn’t want to even go outside.  What for?  I was on social media scrolling my timeline on twitter catching updates from the local reporters I follow, checking the EPPD twitter feed that I follow too, but wasn’t getting messages on for some reason, checking Facebook and doing something I thought I’d never have to do… mark myself safe so that everybody could see I was still alive.  Businesses started posting that they were closing for the day out of respect of the situation and out of the safety of their employees.  Honestly, I didn’t even want to be out anyway.  Then again, when do i?  But even more so then.  Friends started sharing their stories and the focus of the day shifted to starting to repair our lives.  It wasn’t without incident for me, though.  My nerves were shot and I was on edge.  Sometime around 4 or so I heard a snap outside my door like the snapping of a piece of paper or one of those snap firecracker things and I immediately jolted.  I was still traumatized.  I stayed glued to the TV until about 9:30 or so when I took a shower, turned the TV off, and went to my room to pray and try to get some sleep.

I was worried about what Sunday morning would bring.  I was going to fulfill my Sunday Obligation and go to Low Mass at my FSSP apostolate downtown like do every Sunday, which is heading away from the massacre, but all the while I was wondering who was going to be there.  Were the pews going to be overfilling with people coming to seek comfort and/or get back to God?  Or were people going to stay away in fear?  It was pretty much a normal Sunday.  I saw the usual congregation that attends the 8am Low Mass.  Father O’Neil started off his homily with us all reciting an Our Father and 3 Hail Mary’s then intertwined his already prepared sermon with the tragedy that unfolded Saturday morning.  I still needed to get those things for my road trip to Dallas this Friday and maybe something to make for dinner, but I didn’t want to go to a store.  It just didn’t feel right yet, respectful yet, to carry on less than 24 hours after probably the worst day in El Paso’s history like nothing happened.  I talked to a few friends, and one like me, was too afraid to go out.  Just sad and depressed.  All of the people I talked to were.  I offered to go pick my friend up that needed groceries, but she declined as she was going to go to her parents’ house and swim with her daughter and her daughter’s friends.  I had made up my mind to not go out either unless it was to help a friend, so I just stayed inside.  I didn’t know how to feel at that moment.

Coming to work today was the same thing.  Just the unknown to deal with.  We had a town hall to start the day where management told us that it was ok to feel however it is that we feel.  Some cried, some felt anger, some just felt sad.  I’m in the sad camp, but I’m writing this out now because writing is how I rid myself of negative thoughts.

So, El Paso will start to pick up the pieces.  This kid drove 9 hours to our community to try and break our spirit and our love, but he didn’t and could never.  We’re probably closer now than ever before.  This picture below here may depict how we feel.  Amigo Man (the official El Paso mascot), Chico (the El Paso Chihuahuas our AAA Baseball Team mascot), and Paydirt Pete (UTEP’s Mascot) are all crying, consoling each other, but we’ll all pull through better on the other side.  Hug your friends and family whenever you can.  Tell the people that you love that you love them, each chance you get, because something like this can happen to you.

Floating On

Hey y’all!  I hope this day has brought you good vibes and good thoughts.  As for me, I’m not sure how to feel about things in my life at the moment.  There’s a lot of things that haven’t gone exactly right and normal me would have been up in arms upset trying to fix the problems or have some sort of other emotional feeling about them.  What’s been happening lately, however, is an indifference to them all.  I can’t figure out what is going on.  Have I given up hope?  Do I not care anymore in some sort of a good way?  I can’t figure it out.  I’m not sure which way my brain is taking it.  I know it’s not some place negative, that’s for sure, but it’s not entirely positive either if that makes any sense.  I think I’ve been used to failure of some sort or another that I’m just used to it or expect bad things to happen.  Before I used to not except defeat/negative things well and I used to fight against that tide, but now I feel like I’ve gotten on top of my proverbial inflatable pool toy and I’m going to see where this life of mine takes me.  I just hope that I maintain this positive attitude because I’ll be in real trouble if my brain decides to take things south.

Wish me luck

June 2019 Burnout

Hello again everyone!  I hope that y’all are having a safe June so far.  As for me, I’m going through one of my usual cycles of madness again.  The cycle I’m talking about is the one where I feel like I’ve let things in my life get out of control and I have to stop, regroup, and start all over again.  UGH!  I really wish I knew how this keeps happening to me.  All it takes is a little bit of madness or deviation from the set path to have me fall down the rabbit hole of ruin.  Heh, it sounds like I’m talking about drugs or something.  I assure you, that’s not the case.  What it is, however, is not having my ass in the gym, eating not-so-badly, getting the downtime I need, and generally not feeling overwhelmed.  I’ve failed on all those things over the past 3 months.  As some people may know, I get real cranky and short fused after a while with no personal downtime.  It’s a product of my INFJ personality.  I need that alone time and I need that downtime, but unless things go right, I end up lacking it week in and week out.  It’s difficult with my schedule though.  A lot of people, my heterosexual lifemate the most, do not understand it.  Let me break it down for you.  My day M-F starts at 4am.  I try and force myself to get up (which is getting more and more difficult every day) and start the day by doing my CPAP machine maintenance.  Once that is done, I get onto making breakfast, and getting ready for work.  If all works out, I’m out the door around 6:15am.  I have to leave that early in order to get a parking spot to get to work without having to pay $8 or risk not finding anything in the area and really being up the creek thanks to the damn construction workers that are renovating a couple of buildings downtown.  I’m at work until 4pm, and if traffic behaves, I ‘m home by 4:30ish.  I really should only have 3.5 hours until I should either be asleep or getting to bed after my nightly prayers in order to get my 8 or as close as 8 hours of sleep that I need to function.  In here lies the problem.  In those 3.5 hours, on non grandparents’ day (Tuesdays), I have to fit in any house cleaning I may have to do, laundry, cooking, and the gym.  I mean, it’s not impossible, but damn near close for me to fit all those things in PLUS just setting time aside for downtime.  Sitting, relaxing, possibly even some TV watching.  I can never fit those in because I’m always running out of time.  I can only run that hard so much before I just start to get a little crazy.

I just don’t know what I could do.  Heterosexual lifemate tells me that I shouldn’t wake up early to make breakfast (the guy is of the mind that “if I don’t do it, you don’t need to either.”), and that If I really needed to eat breakfast, prepare it the day before.  I mean, ok, I guess.  But microwaved eggs at work doesn’t sound like my idea of a good time.  That could be me, but if needed, I guess I could add that time to my afternoon to prepare a breakfast for the next day.  Good idea at first, but then I’m losing downtime after work anyway.  It still balances out to me being out of time.  Another option is me shorting my sleep.  My sleep doctor has already told me that I need to get more sleep, so that’s not an option either.  So, I don’t know.  I’m out of options.  I guess I’m going to have to try to really force the issue of secluding myself and trying to recoup as much as I possibly can on Saturdays.  God help me, because I need the strength.  The overwhelming situation I’m in is starting to affect my dreams now too, so I can’t even escape that!

Anyway!  Stay safe out there my friends.  Throw out a prayer or two for your boy!

Eleven Years Gone

Hi y’all!  Long time no talk.  Trust me, I’ve started and erased a few blogs here and there with all the crap that has been going on in my life, but in retrospect, I guess it’s good that those rants/ideas/what-have-yous went unwritten and unpublished.

Today brings about a sad day for me.  Yes, I am very much aware that today is D-Day, but for me today marks the day that my life changed.  Today, 11 years ago, my mom passed away quietly and peacefully surrounded by her brothers and sister, my grandparents (dad’s parents), my sister, father, and I.  Just typing that brought me back to that moment having to be gloved and gowned up in her room, telling her how much I loved her hoping that that was the last thing she heard before going to purgatory.  Shit, I’m crying now.  Gotta keep it together.

Well, 11 years have passed since then and many things have changed.  Dad got remarried, I have gone through a few horrible heart crushing relationships, I became very much closer to God, and sister and her husband had two boys whom I love to death.  Those are just some of the things that have happened.  Of course there’s a lot more, but the overwhelming hurt is still just as fresh as it was that afternoon in that hospital room in Lubbock, Texas eleven years ago.  Maybe I should have talked to somebody like my dad was forced to do (and didn’t really get anything out of it, mind you) because the minute that I really give it thought, I break apart.  Maybe that’s normal?  I don’t know.  It’s my normal.  There’s still so much that I wanted to share with my mom and have things to learn from her.  49.8 years on Earth is all God had lined up for her and 27.5 of my years with her is all He gave me, but I’m grateful for every one of those.

So, with that said, even though I’m booked up after work today for a bit, I’m going to take some time out of my day when I get home to think of her and remember to try every day to be better so that I can make her proud of me.

Keep me in your prayers, y’all.