Forever a Clone

I'm just a clone, talking away while nobody listens

Archive for the tag “Happiness”

Here for the party

The past few weeks, for as troubling as some of it has been, have also reminded me about how every passing day of mine is better than the day before. Each day off that I get to relax and take time out to just reflect reminds me about just how good I have things.

I’ll try my best to explain. If I look back at my life, I can clearly remember how misguided I was during a lot of it. I was angry and bitter about a lot of things in my life. I had a pretty bad mood. That’s nothing like what I am now, but when I think back to it, all I do is shake my head at the disbelief over how bad of an attitude I had towards life. I still don’t even know why I was like that either. Maybe it was the young me trying to find out just who the hell I really am. That mixed in with crazy hormones was probably a bad mix.

Believe it or not, considering my current stance on life, there was a time in my life that I desperately wanted to fit in with the crowd. I wanted to be part of the cool people and all that garbage. When I realized that I would never really fit in with all of my oddities, naturally I got frustrated with that too. Why wasn’t I getting the girls? Why wasn’t I getting the attention I wanted? Sure, I was funny and have that eccentric charm, but there are a few simple truths that killed my chance at popularity. Looks, money, and the desire to attain either of those. I was who I was, and come to think about it I still am that. I’m always going to be that short, fat, moron who will always try to find the funny in almost any situation.

With that said, over the past few weeks, I’ve thought about just how much more comfortable I am getting in my own skin. I have been occasionally taking time out of my free time to just sit on my couch and allow my brain to wander around and just do it’s thing. One of the things that got me to laugh was just how much of a contradiction my home décor is. Then again, it is completely and totally me. I have a lot of my wall space dedicated to music, with a Mötley Crüe poster and large pin, 3 Metallica posters and banners (in the middle of a LOT of Metallica memorabilia around it), my autographed Steel Panther stuff, and my Beatles poster all up on my walls. Next to that is my ode to my Catholic faith and family there, then followed by sports memorabilia, empty bottles of booze that carry memories in them, with it’s own space, a large metal cross that my late mother purchased and had up in our home, and finally a real Ocean’s Eleven movie poster that satisfies both my love for movies and my love for Las Vegas. It’s pretty clear that you see what really matters to me by spending two minutes in my living room. I laugh all time when I think about it because I can only imagine people looking at me in disgust saying “Jesus doesn’t mix well with your Metallica – Sad But True poster, dude… OR those empty Cabo Wabo Tequila bottles either for that matter. To me, it does. Everything about me goes hand and hand. I don’t fit into a single mold (shhhh with your weight jokes!).

I’m happy. I’ll tell you that right now and tell you that I’m honest about that fact. I really am happy. I’m happy with the person that I am and happy with where the situations and decisions that were put in front of me have placed me in my life today. Just yesterday, as a matter of fact, I found myself just completely happy over the fact that I woke up at 7am, for some insane reason considering that I was up late at Nocturnal Adoration with my Adoration brothers at my old Catholic Parish until about midnight, but happy at the time time that I did wake up so early so that I could get to the things I needed to do, like get my truck washed, go grocery shopping, cleaning my house, and doing laundry. All of that just brought me such joy. Cleaning up, organizing, and yes even grocery shopping has always just brought me peace and happy thoughts.

I know, at this point you’re probably wondering what the hell is wrong with me. Don’t worry, me too reading that back to myself. It’s just part of who I am. I kept posting updates on my social media outlets about just how much of a good time I was having. I bet people thought I was kidding about it, but I was being honest.

I was happy doing the things that made me happy. Oddly enough, I was talking to a friend of mine just this morning who recently has been down in the dumps and feeling lonely, etc. I don’t know why, but I had realized that this person has relied on other people to make them happy. Nothing that they have ever done for themselves had made them happy. Does that make sense? It’s nothing new in my observations, to be honest. Just to generalize (and I know I’m probably wrong and don’t have any scientific data to back this up) I always find people talking about doing things to make themselves desirable for another person. I ask myself, “For what?! Why not try and do something for yourself! Make yourself happy! You wanna do something for somebody just to have that one moment of temporary happiness, or those few moments of happiness? For what??!! Just to not have it appreciated later, or even worse just be pushed over or left behind? Then what, dude?!” I told this person to be happy with themselves instead. Do things that made them happy. It’s a crazy idea, but it’s true.

I realized that I finally learned that lesson myself about 3 years ago. I stopped letting the actions of others or others’ opinions of me dictate my happiness. I finally took control of that. Only I will control what makes me happy. Somebody doesn’t want to talk to me? So what? Somebody thinks I’m an idiot? Good for them. I’m going to keep being the weird dude I’ve always been, except now I’m not going to apologize for it or try and change to appease somebody else and have that control my emotions or my self worth. I am who I am and do what I do for me. I gotta say that I feel pretty happy about that.

So, there it is, peeps. Be happy for yourselves! Do what makes you happy… that is unless it harms somebody else. That’s a dick move. Don’t be that person.

Peace out 2016, Holler at me 2017

This is it.  We made it, y’all.  2016 and its crazy ass has finally come to an end.  Globally, I must say we had a pretty bad year.  Lots of terrorist acts, lots of war, and lot of death of people who are known by a lot of other people came to pass this year.  I know a lot of people are upset about it and have been taking note about how bad it’s been for us as a whole.  I tend to agree with them, but in what has been my nature more strongly for the past 5.5 years, I tend to focus on the positives.  I had a lot of positive things happen in my life this year.  In January, I made the decision to not live with anxiety and a too large of amount of stress for me to handle and the positive outcomes came from there.  I did fail, however, to get started on my weight loss goals but that’s to come later.

More great things came this year.  Most notably, I cut half the commute from my drive to both work and my parish and moved to central El Paso and even though I didn’t have any reservations about it, I had no idea at how awesome it would turn out to be.   Everything that I need or like is minutes away and the peace and quiet I get now is an even bigger Godsend.   Another great thing that came about from my change mid-year was that a true nature I’ve always had really flourished like a wildfire.  That true nature I speak of is my introvert nature.  I’ve always had it, but it wasn’t until I was truly on my own that it just consumed me.  I have honestly never been as happy in my life as I am now.  It’s the greatest thing ever.  Now, I have nobody to put a fake act on for, nobody to try to conform to, etc.  I can truly be me now and me is that dude who would rather be left alone, hates and honestly feels sick down to my bones to be in a crowd of strangers for more than a few minutes, who loves to spend time with only a select group of friends, and who finds comfort in music, movies, and the general arts of all kinds.  Granted, the last thing is something that more than just introverts to, I find that I don’t have to feel weird about my musical tastes because I’m liberated to be who I want to be without judgement.

With that all said, my very positive personal life changes has brought about resentment and probably a loss of friendships along the way with it too, but if you want me to be completely honest, I’ll say that if people can’t accept who I am, who I aspire to be, and what I stand for personally, then they don’t need to be in my life.  Simple as that.  I am sick and tired of being surrounded by negativity.  Again, for the past 5 years, I’ve done my best at always living looking at the positive in things and people and I have completely stopped dwelling in the bad in people and in things.  Sure, I’m aware they exist, but I refuse to let it consume me.  I also never have held grudges, but even more so now I forget and forgive as Jesus told Peter in Matthew Chapter 18 verse 21,

“21 Then Peter came and said to Him, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” 22 Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.”

I’m always going to be the same funny, happy, comedic (even horribly punny and cheesy), stupid moron.  I have no time to say out loud or to myself “remember what this jerk did to me?  F that person!”  Nah, that’s stupid.  I refuse to waste my life that way.

So, Sunday morning will bring on 2017 and the renewal of hopes and dreams for everybody, myself included.  I’ve never been one to do New Year’s resolutions, but I will say this.  I’m going to put my plans in motion to get myself in a better physical shape than round.  (LOL!) and I will continue to be the person I am regardless of the consequences of the judgements of others.  I’m going to be me and do what makes me happy.  That’s pretty much stay home, stay focused on my weight loss, laugh a lot more, spend time with the friends and family that accept me for who I am and don’t want to change me, watch more awesome movies, listen to great music, and hopefully make awesome music too.  I have plenty of room for those who want to join me, but if you don’t want to or want to get off the ride; I’m not going to stop you either.  In the words of “King” George Strait, “I ain’t here for a long time; I’m here for a good time.”

Identity

I was going to write about something different over the weekend, but my love of movies brought me to watch the great film Revenge of the Nerds on Saturday morning.  Initially, I wanted to watch the movie for the laughs that all the characters have brought me (I’ve seen this film numerous times), but during this viewing of it, I found myself really connecting with the message that the film was trying to give.  That message is acceptance of the difference we have as individuals.  I’ll freely admit that I’m a dork, a nerd, a loner, and an introvert so I’ve always felt like I’ve been ridiculed the majority of my life.  It doesn’t help that I’m short AND fat, but I digress it wasn’t until I really took the ending speech of the film to heart that I realized that Gilbert and Lewis were really speaking up for people like me to the popular people, the pretty people, the whatever you want to call them that have always looked down on people like me who just happen to be different.  Sure, there was a time that I felt I had to conform and try to fit in, but honestly it’s just not me.  Here’s the speech I’m talking about:

Gilbert: I just wanted to say that I’m a nerd, and I’m here tonight to stand up for the rights of other nerds. I mean uh, all our lives we’ve been laughed at and made to feel inferior. And tonight, those bastards, they trashed our house. Why? Cause we’re smart? Cause we look different? Well, we’re not. I’m a nerd, and uh, I’m pretty proud of it.

Lewis: Hi, Gilbert. I’m a nerd too. I just found that out tonight. We have news for the beautiful people. There’s a lot more of us than there are of you. I know there’s alumni here tonight. When you went to Adams you might’ve been called a spazz, or a dork, or a geek. Any of you that have ever felt stepped on, left out, picked on, put down, whether you think you’re a nerd or not, why don’t you just come down here and join us. Okay? Come on.

Gilbert: Just join us cos uh, no-one’s gonna really be free until nerd persecution ends.

So, yes.  I’m smart, yes I look different, yes I am a nerd, spazz, dork, AND a geek.  You know what?  I’m pretty damn proud of it too.  While I’m on quotes, here’s another one that I associate myself with:

“No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.” – George Carlin

Now, I won’t say that I’m with it word for word because I am a very religious man.  I am a proud Traditionalist Catholic (as I’ve heard people call people like me); however I have little interest in associating myself in a group of people of any kind.  I’d weird like that.  I’m very much a one man wolf pack (as the character in The Hangover, Alan, calls himself).  I’m not comfortable in a group setting.  I wish I could tell you why, but I’m just not.  I don’t want to gather together in a social setting to talk about things, I don’t want to collectively march for a cause, I don’t want to not be able to freely express my individual thoughts if it doesn’t jive with the greater message.  Not to get into politics or moral ideals or whatnot, but I’m a firm believer that my thoughts and ideas on things are my own.  Who am I to tell somebody else what’s right for them?  And even more so, who the HELL do people think they are to tell ME what’s right for me?  Even if you do know me, what you think may be right might be something that I’m not comfortable with or want to do.  That’s pretty much it in a nutshell.  So, no.  I don’t want to join your club, no I don’t want to join your stupid union, no I don’t want to go to your dumb meeting.  I have no interest in it.  And just like the late, great, George Carlin I too love and treasure individuals as I meet them but I could care less about their greater groups they identify with.  I want no part in it.

I think that’s a pretty good reason why I find myself hanging out with the people I do.  For as much as we are different, there is a bit of the “rejected by society for one reason or another” aspect to us.  It could be that, or it could be that we are sympathetic to each other’s individual needs and we just click. It’s hard to tell now, but it works.  It is very difficult for me to want to meet new people, and expose myself to new situations.  I’m too old for that crap now, you know?  And I don’t think it’s being narrow minded or whatever either.  I honestly think that I’m old enough and experienced enough to know what it is that I do and do not like, so I find myself seeking out the things that I do and only branch out into the subfields of those likes.  I don’t think that’s a bad thing.  I personally believe that my current mission in life is to be happy, so I’m going to be who I want to be, do what I want to do, and hang out with who I want to in order to keep myself happy.  I’ve been down so long that I think I deserve to treat myself to that happiness.  If it means that I have to be labeled as a nerd, dork, spazz, weirdo, freak, loser, etc. then so be it.  I’m 2 months shy of 36 years old and I’m finally at peace with it all.  Here’s to staying happy.

Little Things

In this long journey of mine since the crossroad that I traversed back in July of 2011 (that I’ve blogged about on multiple occasions), I’ve come to realize that it’s the little things that really matter in this world of ours.  Here’s a question while I ponder that thought.  Does anybody else appreciate the small things like the perfect weather (for me that’s 68-72 F, a 2mph breeze, and the sky to be slightly overcast), the company of somebody that you don’t have to work hard to just have a great time with doing nothing with, or just contemplating life (as I like to call it) while admiring the beauty all around you?

That’s what I’ve been doing a lot of lately, especially this past month.  I am finding out that I’m the happiest when I’m sitting on my couch with the blinds that cover my living room window open as I watch the sun set.  Sometimes I change things up and listen to a podcast while I’m doing it or even listen to some relaxing music and just sit and admire the creations that God made.  I know I’m sounding like some sort of head case right now (LOL), but it really is those small things that make me the happiest.  Now I understand why you hear of older people doing that too.   Master Yoda was right all along too, you know?

“Adventure.  Excitement.  Pfft!  A Jedi craves not these things!”

 For as much as I relate to the Sith and Darth Bane, Master Yoda had it right too.  It’s all about peace.  Peace in all of its forms too come to think about it.  It’s all about the harmony for me now.  No more chaos, no more allowing negative energy to linger, no more need to find those dark areas in the world where nothing but pain and suffering thrive.  I’m loving the small moments and places in life more than ever now.  I do that everywhere too, not just my living room.  Any time I’m visiting a place, I always take the time to slow down and appreciate my surroundings.  I do that to remind myself about just how lucky I am to live where I do and have been fortunate enough to see the places I’ve seen.  I don’t take anything for granted anymore either.  It’s my belief that we shouldn’t.  A word of advice; don’t take relationships for granted, my friends.  Don’t take the blessings that God gives us for granted either.  Take the time to pause and take a look around at the small details.  Sometimes it’s the small details that bring us the most joy.

An insight into my love of music

Of all of the influences in my life, I want to say the biggest one is music.  I LOVE music!  My entire life revolves around music.  Ever since I could remember as a child, music was playing in my house.  I grew up with a number of different genres of music too.  My mom and dad would go from The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, The Glenn Miller Orchestra, George Strait, Hank Williams Jr, and all the way to music like The Latin Breed, Emilio Navaira, and Selena and everything in between.  I never found it strange to listen to a rock track followed up by a Tejano tune.

There were plenty of weekends where our nights would be filled with so much music that it would fill my soul.  I remember those nights listening to the pop songs of the day, like tracks from Prince, The Police, A-Ha, Wham!, The Go-Gos, The Bangles, and Madonna to name just a few that got added into the mix along with everything else.

It was when I was about 6 or so when my godfather came over to our house in Anthony and brought me a stereo receiver and a pair of speakers (hey man! It was 1987!) that I also started to expand my musical horizons.  My parents, for as much as they did kinda monitor what I would watch and listen to, pretty much let me listen to whatever I wanted to and that’s when I turned the dial over to the rock stations in the area and found hair/glam metal.  I remember summer days when I’d be blasting out Mötley Crüe’s new hit single “Girls, Girls, Girls” and just having a rocking time in my bedroom.  Looking back, I wonder why my mom didn’t come in and ask what the hell I was listening to, but I was hooked on rock, man!  Soon enough, my sister and I were listening to Bon Jovi and I felt immersed in the rock genre.  I wasn’t out about it, you know?  It’s not like I could demand that I grow out my hair and aqua-net the hell out of it, or could I show up to 1st or 2nd grade with a Crüe or Poison shirt on, but I loved the music nonetheless.

I was 7, 8 years old and I was as nearly as all over the map with music as I am now.  I loved country music, loved Tejano music (and the beautiful women Tejano singers), loved classic rock from the 50s, 60s, and 70s (even though 70s wasn’t really classic back then), really started to get into the pop/R&B/Hip Hop music of the day too, and I loved my hair metal.  I really have to say that I love my parents for exposing me to such a wide variety of music and allowing me to discover so much more too.

Things started to come to a focus even more when I was around 8 or 9 when a good friend of mine and I decided that we’d really get into Aerosmith.  That band is still one of my favorite bands, although I’ll be honest in saying that I really like their earlier work when they were really rockin’.  Anyway, this was the Permanent Vacation/Pump era and this is where things are starting to change for the band.  We didn’t know any different and we loved the band for what they were.  I was a pretty big fan.  I had a few tapes, and I even got the permanent vacation home video (that was later borrowed and never returned by my 6th grade teacher.  LOL!) It was the first time that I focused any fandom to one artist.

Things took an even bigger swing musically when I moved to the east side of El Paso when I was 10.  It was the fall of 1991 and Metallica’s self-titled album (commonly known as the black album) had been released in the summer of that year and the single “Enter Sandman” was all over the place.  I really can’t tell you why I hadn’t heard it before.  Maybe it was the fact that I was really into listening to my CDs at the time and not the radio, but again my sister came to my rescue and turned me onto this song.  That changed my entire life.  I don’t know what it was, but I quickly became obsessed with that band and that song.  I remember it was later on that year at some point that I got the black album on tape and I listened to it nonstop!

Things didn’t change much for about the next 8 years.  Anybody that knew me in high school that I don’t really talk to now would probably recognize me and know me from all of my Metallica shirts.  I think I counted 16 of them at one point.  I was that into them.  The timing of me getting into them and their changes were hand in hand as well as by the start of high school in 1995, I was also branching out into blues, and more of the contemporary heavy metal of the day.  Metallica, at the same time, were writing and recording their albums Load and ReLoad at the time and those disks are very blues heavy, much the chagrin of many a heavy metal fan.  It was them cutting their long hair off, AND playing blues-y music that really pissed all of these heavy metal guys off.  I didn’t care.  I LOVED it.  I was listening to almost anything I could get my hands on.  Jazz, Classical, Industrial, Heavy Metal, Funk, Blues, you name it and I was into it.

High school was a funny place for me, when I really think about it.  Being in band (marching, symphonic, and jazz) really lit the fires of my love for awesome drumlines (because I was on the snare line in marching band), classical music, and all sorts of jazz.  I mean, I liked jazz music beforehand thanks to the jazz-rock fusion bands my dad liked and listened to, but the pure jazz ensembles and famous artists like John Coltrane, Dave Brubeck, Duke Ellington, and Ella Fitzgerald, etc were unknown to me at the time.  I would find myself listening to the local jazz station just soaking up everything they were playing.  Heck, even when they’d switch to classical music, I’d still be listening.  Jazz and Classical music, I found, would give me such peace and still do.  The talent by all of the musicians just blows me away.  The composers as well, just amaze me.  I’m probably one of the few weirdos who love movie soundtracks and composers in that subgenre like John Williams, Danny Elfman, Ennio Morricone, and Jerry Goldsmith to name a few of my favorites.

So, I say all of this to say that fast forward to now.  I’m still into the same styles of music as I was before.  I’ve actually branched out into more specific subgenres like chillout/downtempo/lounge/whatever else you want to call it jazz music, Bebop jazz, old-style country like George Strait, Alan Jackson, and the like, Heavy Metal that has awesome guitar solos and great drummers but isn’t too fast like Metallica, Pantera, Hellyeah, and Steel Panther (yes, I know this band heavily conflicts with my religious beliefs, but damn do I love the music!), and I still listen to everything else that I’ve mentioned previously as well.  I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have music.  Music is usually the first thought of mine when I wake up and aside from listening to podcasts, listening to music is what I do most often.  It’s what continues to shape my life. So, I guess if you really want to know more about me, just take a look at my music collection and you’ll get a taste of what made me who I am today.

 

“Introvert

An introvert generally prefers solitary activities to interacting with large groups of people. If you would rather work through your feelings in your diary than have a conversation, then you are an introvert.  Introvert comes from Latin intro-, “inward,” and vertere, “turning.” It describes a person who tends to turn inward mentally. Introverts sometimes avoid large groups of people, feeling more energized by time alone.”

That description comes directly from here and that pretty much describes me.  I’ve always been that way, actually.  It’s all thanks to my mom (RIP) who was a very shy person.  I got a lot of her traits, all good ones by the way, and the two that I find to be most prominent happen to be the kindness (to a fault most of the damn time) and the introverted personality.  Sadly those two things don’t mix well as I always put others before myself and find myself doing things and going places that quite frankly I have zero interest in doing or going to.  That’s not to say that I don’t have fun going to places or whatnot, but I find myself happiest on my own or with my small circle of friends.  I’ll say this about it right now too; it’s not a bad thing or a thing I should be ashamed about, so get off my ass if you feel differently because honestly I don’t care.  Your opinions have been noted, but they clash with mine and not to be a dick, I value my opinion on that matter more than other’s on the subject.

Anyway, I say all of this to say that in the time that I’ve been really alone (for the most part) the past few months, I’ve found that I’ve had a renewed energy that has given fresh prospective and vitality into my life.  I still can’t get the ideal schedule I want to have really started, but hey, unless I die soon I’ll get there!  All I know is that I’m probably the happiest I’ve been in a long time, probably ever, thanks to the things that have been going on in my life.  I’ve had so much fun these past couple of months!  I’ve gotten to spend quality time with my best friends by playing music, singing songs, and drinking of course.  I also got the chance to really explore the greater Southwest with one of my very dear friends for two weeks and by doing that it made me remember about just how blessed I am to live where I do.  El Paso and the 800 miles in every direction around us here is so unique.  It’s something that I take for granted until I’m reminded about just how beautiful things are here in the desert Southwest.  So much history, so many different locations that are one of a kind here on our planet, the people, everything… I take it all for granted until it gets brought to my attention.  It was so much fun to visit the Grand Canyon, drive through northern Arizona into the Las Vegas Metroplex and back down into Phoenix and see just how many habitat changes occur from place to place.  Then of course, seeing Carlsbad Caverns and White Sands which for the latter is a one of a kind place in the world, just made me feel like such an idiot for not going to check these places out more often.  For as much crap that I talk about hating on New Mexico, that state is badass for camping, hiking, and national parks/monuments.

Which brings me to my next thought.  Getting to actually do more of these things!  My friends, dare I say family, and I have been talking about going out to these places more often but our stupid lives keep getting in the way!  I think that after this year of transition that we’ve ALL had, next year will clear up and allow us to go camping more, go hiking more, and go to these places in the area that we take for granted.

In the beautiful words of a homegirl of mine, I need to get my shit together.  I think I am.  Every day, I’m becoming more and more of the person that I’ve always strived to be.  That person is a man who is sure of his path in life.  That path is full of happiness, the perfect friends, and the perfect peace in himself.  I’m almost there, man.  I can see it within my reach.  There is one more thing though.  I think that Dr. Emmett L. Brown said it best when he said, “Better that I devote myself to study the other great mystery of the universe: women!”

Hahaha!

Until next time, my friends.

Jesus and I love you!

Acceptance

What does your self-image look like?  Do you like what you see when that mug looks back at you in the mirror?  I’ve asked myself that question recently and it wasn’t until just recently that I said “you damn right I do!”  I’ve learned a very important thing overall recently that I just briefly touched on with my last post which was acceptance.  I’ve learned to accept a lot of things in my life in the last 15 years, to be honest.  I think that now, finally, at the age of 35 I’m finally learning true acceptance.  And it’s acceptance of everything, you know?  Acceptance that there are assholes in the world, people who think selfishly, people who think selflessly, short people, tall people, fat fucks like me, people too thin for their own good, and people of every color.  I could go on, but you catch my drift.  I’ve always eyed people as equals to me, which pissed off a few because in my eyes I’m not better than anybody else and nobody is better than me.  We’re all the same.  The difference is now, for some crazy reason, I’ve finally viewed myself in the same light.

I used to have a bad self-image.  I didn’t like what stared back at me too much.  I was too short (not that rapper.  That dude is badass), I was too fat, I had lost pigment patches, and I could go on.  Now?  I happily don’t give a damn.  I was worried about those things because of what other people would think.  Is that going to stop me from eventually getting my fat ass back to the gym?  No.  But I’m going to do it because I like to and not for any other reason.  It’s a good thing I never had that self-image problem with the way I dress because I’ve always been one to fly all over the radar with that, so that will never change.  If people look at me weird because I have my cowboy hat and boots on one day, a suit n’ tie with dress shoes the next, and have a Steel Panther shirt on with cargo shorts and Vans on the next, that’s their problem and always has been.

It’s all part of my personal happiness thing that I have going on.  I really can’t pinpoint one thing that has triggered it.  It’s probably a combination of age, and the life experience that has come with it.  The more time passes, the more positive of an outlook that I have on everything in my world.  I know it’s off putting to some people, but I make it a point to always laugh, always have a good time, and to always look at the positive as opposed to the negative in all situations.  I will tell you that keeping the bad vibes out is the way to go.

So, I say to hell with what everybody thinks of you.  I say find the joy and happiness in everything that you do.  I say tell negative energy to kick rocks.  I say to make every day a party.  We only get one shot at this life (some people get that extra continue button thanks to modern medicine, but you know what I mean) so we have to make every day the best.  Who knows when baby Jesus will call our number.  I’m sure that your self-image will improve much like mine has.

If it makes me happy

I’ve had so many things that I’ve wanted to talk about lately, but I never seem to find the time to really flesh out the ideas to and of course life gets in the way so I forget what it is that I wanted to babble on about.  There is one thing, however, that has stuck in my dome and that is happiness.  Some of my best friends will tell you that I’m not happy, but I can assure anybody reading this right now that I’m probably the happiest that I’ve been in a very long time.  Things in my life have actually really come together quite nicely as of late and I’m finding my daily routine to be what I’ve really wanted for the longest time in my life.  It’s such a strange thing to say too, considering my current life situation, but holy smokes I am having a great time!

As most of you know, I’ve recently moved to the central area of my beautiful city, El Paso, and it has really been a blessing that I didn’t even know I was looking for.  Crazy to say, right?  It’s true though!  I’m 12 or so minutes from work, 10 minutes from church, 2 minutes from my gym (when I decide to get my fat ass back in there), and I’m 2 minutes from various grocery and big box stores.  Hell the big box store is in a mall that has some pretty interesting things too including an inferior pictureshow joint to the better Cinemark Theater locations here in town, but when in a pinch, that will have to do.  So, I say all of that to say that I have nothing to really complain about as far as driving goes because Lord knows I hate slow idiot drivers and I don’t have to deal with very many of them in my journeys now.  Good thing with that as well is that I’m not really using too much gas either, so I’m saving money there too.  All and all, it’s pretty freakin’ awesome.  My new joint is pretty chill as well and has really thick walls so I don’t have to have my music or movies at a whisper level because none of my neighbors can hear the noise and I can’t hear theirs either.  It’s pretty badass, to be honest.

So, I say all of that to confidently say that I’m just about the happiest I will ever get all things considered.  And by all things considered, I would be totally happy if my mother was here to see all that I’ve accomplished with my life.  I know, of course, that she is always with me in spirit, but it’s just not the same and I can honestly say that I will never truly be 100% happy without her here.

Now that I have made myself tear up a bit, I can get back to some of the things I’ve wanted to say about my journey to happiness.  Over the past few years, I’ve slowly discovered the people and things that bring me peace and happiness.  It’s been great to take the journey I’ve taken to find those people and places and I’ve learned so much in that time too.  I have our Lord Jesus Christ and the blessing that has been FSSP to guide me along my spiritual path.  I also have my small circle of close friends whom I consider family, my blood related family, and lastly I have the places outside of my personal space that makes me happy.  If you know me, you should know that those places are either camping out in a forest in the area, the greater Phoenix area, and of course Las Vegas.  Soon, I want to add going to San Diego to that list, but that’s another story entirely.

Funny thing about all of that is that for some of the people I hold dear, that isn’t good enough for them for some crazy reason.  I can’t understand why that is, honestly, but they think that I need to be in some sort of romantic relationship or in some friends with benefits agreement to fulfil a part of me that is apparently missing.  Actually, I was laughing at even typing that out because for as much as I would have loved to have that back in the day, I have learned to accept and adapt to the reality of the situation.  That situation is that the chances are highly likely that neither of those scenarios will ever happen.  Oddly enough, I am perfectly ok with that too despite what people may think.  Don’t think that I am coming to that conclusion irrationally though.  I have had a lot of time to think about it.

Hell, thinking about that now just puts a smile on my face.  What comes to mind, actually, is the thought of spending time with my close friends doing the things we love to do.  That’s what makes me the happiest.  Most of the time that just involves hanging out trying to make each other laugh while drinking various adult beverages, creating music, listening to music, or a combination of all 3.

I will add to all of this that when I am not hanging out with my friends, I really do enjoy the solitude that I have.  It’s beautiful to come home to a quiet place and do life at my pace.  My pace usually includes the first 30 minutes to 1 hour of quiet.  Then normally it’s podcasts or music if anything while I cook dinner.  I’ve never been much of a TV watcher and even now the only thing I’ll find myself watching is sporting events, mainly NASCAR (as you should all know if you’ve gotten this far in reading this post).  It’s a beautiful thing, peace and quiet.  The only downside is that I don’t have much time between getting home, making dinner, cleaning up the kitchen, and general recharging before I have to call it a night during the week.  I don’t mind too much, to be honest, as I’ve gotten used to not having time after work and before sleep.  It’s a good thing for me that I LOVE to clean because that takes up a lot of my free time too.  Funny thing about that is how surprised people are when they come to visit to find an organized place that doesn’t smell like bawls and booze.  LOL!  I’m a dude, but why expect some kind of slummy bachelor pad.  I guess they don’t really know me then!  I am very organized and a clean freak, which goes well with my other odd qualities.  Hahaha!

So I say all of that to reiterate that I’m happy.  I’m the happiest that I can see myself getting with everything considered, so I hope that the people that care can stop worrying about me.  I’m Kool n’ the gang and I’m having the time of my life.  I wake up every morning happy for what the day will bring and enjoy every minute of every day.

More to come later!

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