Let’s sing a happy tune today!
I know it’s only been a day since my ranty, I wanna destroy EVERYTHING beautiful post, but just now I was reminded of an anniversary. It’s a very important one for me. Today, 7 years ago, I nearly attempted suicide. What the hell, right?! Yup. If you’ve read through my blog, you’ve probably seen my post where I go into a bit of detail about it, but yeah. 7 years have passed since the warning signs that were happening about a month prior to today were leading up to the inevitable moment where I had to decide to either end it or fix it.
I fixed it.
Since then, I’ve been a much happier person, sans the times when people just push me wayyyy to far and anger takes over. Aside from the handful of moments it’s been, and I want to say it’s actually less than 7, in these past 7 years, I’ve been very grateful and thankful that I stopped myself from killing myself.
Now, I’m thinking about the friendships that I’ve gained since then. They are too numerous to count, but I’m thankful for each one of them. I’m also grateful for the people that stuck with me through the madness and have kept on sticking around. To you, I’m forever in your debt.
I’m going to take some time out later on this afternoon to reflect on the past 7 years, celebrate with some of my favorite food, a beer or few, and maybe a cocktail or two and give a cheers to y’all and I. Thanks for either joining my journey or always being a part of it. I love you all dearly.
I know it’s been quite a minute since I’ve posted anything, and believe me, there has been a lot to write about. As per usual, my schedule has prevented me from really expressing thoughts and ideas over things, but there is one event yesterday that made me take time out to stop and put thoughts to this blog. That event was the apparent suicide of Chester Bennington. A lot of my friends were pretty sad about it and as much as I sympathize with them my first reaction after the initial shock was anger. I was pissed off at him for killing himself. Suicide is the selfish act of selfish acts. I know what I’m saying will probably upset some people and I’m sorry if it does, but I’m really pissed off at this dude for checking himself out. If I had the chance to talk to him right now I’d tell him this, “WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE!? Do you not give a fuck about what you just did to your wife?! What about your 6 kids? Do you give a fuck about what they are going to have to deal with for the rest of their lives? What about your friends? Your bandmates? Don’t you think they gave a fuck? Oh, and don’t give me that shit that I don’t understand. I don’t need to understand, dude. God gave you a reason to be alive. God needed you to be there for your children and you wife. Yes, he also gave you the choice to quit, but you had so many reasons not to!” I truly believe that. I’m still pissed off at just thinking about that right now and telling him that.
I just don’t understand it. I don’t see why anybody would go as far as to attempt suicide. Hell, I should know. I got close. Oddly enough, I just passed my 6 year anniversary of nearly committing suicide myself. I know I’ve talked about it before so I won’t go on about it, but being close to checking out makes me pissed off at the people who still contemplate it. I wish people could see what I saw to stop me from killing myself. Family, friends, experiences (both good and bad) that I would have missed out on were just some of the things that stopped me. In reality, the main reason was my nephew, Little Dude. Wondering if he would ever remember me and how much I love him and would miss him was the main thing that stopped me. So, essentially it was love that did it. After that point in my life I’ve made it a point to tell everybody that I care about that I love them, and not because it’s a cute thing to say, but it’s because I do. Everybody that I talk to holds a special place in my heart and I feel like God has put these people in my path for a reason. Maybe they are helping me or maybe I am helping them, but either way are paths crossed for a reason. The way I look at it too is that if it’s up to me, you’ve got me for life. That’s just the way I am. Unless I find out some deep dark secrets that you are just a scumbag piece of shit (because that’s happened before), I’m not the type of person to be a friend of convenience. I don’t like to annul connections.
So, long story short, I’ll pray that the families of suicides find peace to move forward with their lives and I’ll put myself out there to be a person to come to talk to for those who feel that killing themselves is the only answer to their problems. There is so much beauty in the world for all of us to embrace and enjoy to just decide to check yourself out. Get help, fight for your lives, and fight for those who care for you more than you think they do.