Tag Archives: Religion

Strikes and Gutters

Hi y’all!  Here I am again barely getting a chance to write some random thoughts about the things that have been going on in my life.  Holy smokes, what a crazy time it’s been for me lately too.  It seems like nearly half a lifetime since I’ve gotten the chance to jot down my thoughts, so I apologize for the randomness of this blog.  Actually, this blog has always been random, so I suppose I should apologize for the randomness of it all.  Ha!  Anyway, I don’t even know where I left off last sometime last month, so I’ll just pick up my life story from sometime this month.

The biggest thing I can say that’s been going on is my ongoing struggle with these mood swings of mine.  I know the cause of them by the way, but damn it sucks to have them!  I’m happy and content some days, ready to break down and cry the next.  It’s amazing what the influence of other people’s energy can do to your soul.  My soul happens to take the energy of people around me and convert it to my own and sometimes in the very negative.

Lately, it’s been due to a woman who I am (I should say was to be honest) romantically involved with.  For some insane and completely stupid reason, I keep trying to have this thing survive even though it’s on life support and brain dead.  Stupidly, I keep holding out hope for a miracle and that she’ll come to her senses and at least reciprocate my actions towards her, but so far nothing.  Honestly, I’m positive that she’s moved on from me and when I confronted her on it, she of course turned it around on me and made me the bad person, but I had the proof I needed in her words and from what I saw on social media.  It felt like I got punched by a life-sized boxing glove, but with the slightly positive things in my life that have been going on, I deflected it and only let it completely destroy me for a short time.  Spoiler alert, she again refused to let me go on with my life and I’m still stuck.  UGH.  I should just shut up about it until something more concrete happens, but just know that it’s the worst thing that has happened to me in probably 9-10 years, since the other bane of my romantic existence “Lady Voldemort” was in my life.

Now, in more happy news, things in my non-romantic personal life are pretty damn gangbusters.  My band, Searchlight Needles (look us up!), is gigging semi-regularly and we’re having fun AND getting paid doing it!  We actually have another show this Saturday night that I’m pretty excited about.  Now if only we could actually slow down just a bit in order to write some new music, we’d be going somewhere!  In time, I suppose!  Also, in a related topic, I came to a realization this past Saturday night.  One of our band friends were having a show at a bar close to where I was at that night and this band loves to bring up their fellow musician friends to play a few songs with them.  4/5ths of my band was there, so 3 of us went up there and played a song with the booked band’s guitarist and when people wanted another song, said guitarist pulled a rabbit out of his hat and was able to play this second song with us.  It was such a good feeling to play music with somebody new and still have it sound great!  The best part was when I thought we were done; I was asked to stay on the drums and play with another guest guitarist/vocalist and the booked band’s bassist.  We played 3 songs.  Two Johnny Cash classics and Pink Floyd’s “Comfortably Numb”.  I wasn’t sure what to expect as I had never even met this dude who was going to sing and play guitar, but this guy blew me away.  He was so talented.  The Johnny Cash tunes were great, and he played some awesome solos, but man, when we got to “Comfortably Numb”, he took things to another level.  I locked in with the bass player, dude sang his heart out, and played a 4+ minute solo and I was just in heaven.  I hadn’t felt so alive playing drums (even though they weren’t my drums) in such the longest time.  All I have to do is think about it and go back to that time and holy SMOKES!  It’s hard to describe the feeling.  It’s like excitement mixed in love, joy, a sprinkle of anxiety, and ecstasy all together.  The bar was packed and the majority of them were engaged and enjoying the performance and that just made all those feelings come rushing up to the surface.  It was then that I realized that playing music is what I should be doing with my life.  It’s my purpose.  It’s what God put me here on earth to do.  Nothing, aside from going to confession and Mass, makes me happier.  No offense to family and friends, but that’s the truth.  Playing music with people who are at least as talented as I am makes me the happiest.  I need more of that feeling in my life, so I hope to push the guys in my band to play more music.

Speaking of things that make me happy, camping season is coming right around the corner.  The season here in the southwest, or at least in the west Texas / southern New Mexico area is from April to October.  We (the band) didn’t really give ourselves the chance to head out last year and even though I could have gone by myself as I have before, it didn’t happen last year and now I’m dying to head out.  I stepped my game up with this year’s income tax return and bought a new tent, new air mattress (since my older one has some sort of small leak from where I assume is in the seams), and a brand-new camping chair.  I had my eye on the tent I bought for years.  There is nothing wrong with the tent I still have now, mind you, but this one that I got now is slightly larger and incorporates “dark room technology”.  That means that it’s dark in that tent all the time and is also supposedly cooler during the day too.  The only downside is that I’ve read from more than one review that the thing leaks in rainstorms.  Not good.  No bother though, I went out and purchased some seam sealer and I’m going to hope for the best.  Besides, the only things I keep in my tent when I camp are my air mattress, sometimes an extra blanket, whatever it is that I’m carrying my clothes in, my portable air pump in case I might need to reinflate said mattress, and hanging from the top, my fan/light combo.  It’s not like rain will completely flood the tent (in theory), so I’ll just put everything in a spot to keep it all dry if the seams leak and the sealer doesn’t do its job either.  I’m already happy with my purchase.  If I remember correctly, my old tent is 8×8 and the new one is 10×10, so I’m sure I’ll notice those extra two feet of comfort and darkness now, and that’s what matters the most to me.  As far as the new chair goes, I realized during my last camping trip that my chair started to hurt me with it’s support points on my thighs, so sitting for long periods of time wasn’t going to work out with the current chair I have.  It’s good for short bursts, but if I’m going to have a bit of a lounge act like we tend to do while camping, I’d have to invest in another chair.  Sure enough, I decided to buy a zero-gravity reclining lounger chair that has no points that can hurt any part of my legs (in theory).  I’ve had my eye on these new style chairs for a while now too but just never had the guts to just buy one until now too!  I figured the heck with it!  It felt awesome when I sat in one before, our next camping trip is coming up in 2 short months, why roll the dice and hope to not hurt sitting down and relaxing when I can just recline and relax instead?  So, heck yeah!  That’s what I plan to do.  Now, I just gotta get over to my dad’s house some weekend soon to pitch the new tent, seal the seams and pull out my camping gear to run an inventory and test the worthiness of it all so that I can be ready for when we head out.  I really hope that this is not the only trip we make this year.  Even if it’s the only one the band makes together, I’m planning on going out at least a few more times, even if it’s by myself.  I’m excited!

Well, there it is my friends.  A quick look into what’s going on with me right now.  A big time low being combated by two big time highs.  And that’s what really matters too.  We gotta find the highs to suppress the lows.  Take care of yourselves!  May God grant me the strength to assemble my brain’s thoughts into more words to share with you all!  I’ve been bad with that lately.

…And I Know What I’m Looking For

Happy Monday to you all.  Well, we’ve made it into 2020 for real now.  Everybody is probably back to work and getting back to their routine by now.  Y’all who were off the past two weeks are lucky!!!  Man, it feels like it’s been longer than 2 weeks since Christmas day.  In any event, welcome to 2020.

The main topic of this post is about love and relationships.  Just thought I’d put that right out on front street.  I think it’s safe to say that I’ve yet again given up on the matter.  I know, I’ve said it before and before you know it, I’m wrapped up in some delusion of some relationship, but I think that God has opened up my eyes to really see what’s going on and I’m sad and at peace with it all at the same time.  Let me explain.  I mean, I guess technically I’m still involved in a relationship as nothing has been made official, but considering that I haven’t seen this significant other since April of this past year and hardly talk to her now, it’s safe to say that no words need to be said.  Actions speak louder in this case.  Honest truth is that I’m not even sad about it.  The more I’ve grown, the more I realize what it is that I really want out of a relationship.  What I want is a woman who loves God as much as I do.  Not more or less, really, just as much as I do.  I came to this realization last night talking to a friend of mine who is in search of a companion, just not how I am.  I’ll put it that way.  The conversation made me think about my own situation.  I mean, in my younger (and more stupid) days, that was always a sort of fantasy of mine.  All the people in my work and personal life circles were just out there committing immoral acts and “enjoying life”, you know?  And there I was, just sitting on the sidelines.  Honestly, I don’t know why I wanted just even a taste of that life.  Maybe because I wanted to see how it felt.  Well, thankfully, I never really got it.  I’ve been in meaningful relationships, but they all seemed to just break apart.

The more I gave it thought last night, the more I realized it was because I’m just simply too boring for this world.  Now, wait a minute.  By no means am I saying that to seek pity or anything.  Let me clarify.  I don’t like to go to bars and spend lots of money just to drink and get drunk and act stupidly.  I surely don’t ever want to go to a club or live that club lifestyle either.  I also tend to use my weekends to just stay home and rest or do my housework as most of my weekdays are occupied with work.  I know I’m not making the case for sounding like a catch, but hear me out a second.  Do you know what my focus is on, now more so than ever?  God.  My relationship with our Lord is the most important thing in my life.  I’m sure not to do anything that will keep me out late at night on Saturday because I need to wake up at 6:20am on Sunday morning to go to Traditional Latin Low Mass at my local FSSP parish.  My love of God and His church has even curtailed my enjoyment of consuming alcohol.  For the past few months, I’ve just been really over it.  I’m not completely sober or anything, but I really just don’t have any desire to drink.  I had too much one last time on December 6th of this past year for my birthday at a gig we played with a fellow band we’re friends with, but even then I didn’t want to, but damn peer pressure and gifted birthday shots did me in.

So, that’s kind of the basics of it all.  I’d really rather spend my Friday nights cleaning house, Saturday mornings doing laundry, and Saturday afternoon and evening relaxing to prepare for me to worship our Lord at the holy sacrifice of the Mass on Sunday mornings.  I want to learn more about the things I find interest in (like history and the historical events of significance over the past 150 years specifically).  I want to get better at bowling as I go every Monday afternoon now.  I want to get back into golf this spring as well!  I want to better myself, continue to learn about my faith, lose weight, and be relatively sober while doing it.

I don’t know if I can really live a super strict conservative life, and that’s why I say that I want a woman who loves God as much as I do.  Not more or less.  Definitely not less, actually.  I want to be able to look forward to going to Low Mass with a partner who will respect God and herself to dress modestly and will not try to find reasons to not go to Mass.  I’d really prefer to have a partner who is a follower of the Traditional Latin Rite as well.  I know my aim is specific, but I just can’t compromise and then get my heart broken and wonder what it is that I did wrong any longer.  I feel like I need to admit it to the world and more importantly myself.  I’m an INFJ introvert, traditional Catholic, mostly conservative, musically inclined man who seeks a woman with similar attributes and likes.  I know I’m aiming at a target that is the size of a pinhead from miles away, but I just can’t compromise anymore.  If I can’t find that perfect match, then let God’s will be done and I live a celibate holy life for the rest of my days.  But I’d be lying to you if I said that I yearn for a family.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you all!

Stay in Your Lane

Hello again, y’all!  This blog finds me 2 days out from my 39th birthday.  I was meaning to write a post about it but considering that it fell on a Monday this year, nothing of note came to mind.  Stupid Mondays.  Anyway, something else of note did come to mind and I think it kinda intertwines with being another year older.

I’ve been realizing more and more that the older that I get, the more conservative I get with my views.  With that said, however, I don’t think that I’ll ever get to the level of some of the people I’ve seen who take the “holier than thou” approach to anything moderate and “left” of that.  I’m actually not a fan of being radically one way or the other, to be honest.  I think once you get too far past the tipping point of even, you start to lose prospective on things.  Well, that’s my opinion at least.  I’ve realized that I’ve experienced this on both spectrums a lot as of late.

For example, this damn “cancel culture” that we live in now is just sickening.  These people who are offended by every little thing make the tallest mountains out of the smallest of molehills and it ruins people’s lives.  I don’t understand how somebody can’t just be regularly offended, throw an insult out (even if it’s just to yourself about the offending person) and move on with their lives?  Is it that hard of a thing to do?  What’s the point of gathering a mob just to shame somebody over an offense?  Get over it.  Grow a thicker skin.  That’s what I say.  As wrong as that may be.  People need to learn to accept adversity in their lives.

On the flip side of that coin, though, some people are just… assholes!  There’s no other way to put it.  An example I was recently exposed to is a sect of traditional Catholics whom I tried to give their podcast a listen to, but just couldn’t get past the hatred in their message.  This group is Norvus Ordo Watch.  Let me set this up for you really quick.  As I’ve mentioned on a few blog posts here, I consider myself a traditional Catholic person.  I attend a FSSP (Fraternal Society of Saint Peter) parish that lives and celebrates the traditional Catholic lifestyle, including following the old liturgical calendar, and celebrating the Latin Mass using the 1962 Roman Missal.  I know it’s almost closed minded of me to think and say this, but the Norvus Ordo Mass to me is so… icky.  LOL!  That’s the only way I can describe it.  From the priest facing the laity during Mass, the laity doing priestly things (like raising their hands or opening their hands to pray over people), holding hands during the “Our Father”, the sign of peace, the complete lack of respect in the way people dress to go to church, not knowing the catechism of the church, holy days of obligation, the lack of availability of confession/the wanting to be in a state of grace, etc… I could go on.  Point is, I think it’s a big reason that so many people during the peak of the baby boomer generation left the Church and why there are over 36,000+ different forms of protestantism.  Nobody knew their faith enough to defend it or to try and stay with it and live a true Catholic life.  Anyway, back to Norvus Ordo Watch.  These dudes take my point of view and turn the volume up of that to like 99 on a scale of 10 as far as the things that bother them.  They are not quite like FSSP which is in full communion with Rome and has the blessing of the Holy See to practice the traditional rite.  Oh no.  These guys say that the Chair of Peter is vacant!  On this last podcast (and I actually unsubscribed after hearing the 50 minutes of hate speech), the guy who hosts the podcast was just spewing out his hate and just to show how spineless he is, actually put it out on front street that he was not going to give out his identity!  What kinda madness is that?!  Talking ALL this smack saying how “Francis”, (not even calling our Holy Father, THE POPE!) does this and that, and talking smack about the cardinals and bishops in line with Pope Francis doing all sorts of things but doesn’t have the guts to put his name behind his complaints.  I don’t understand that, by the way.  Complaining, but not doing anything about it.  What’s the point after complaining once or twice about something?  I mean, I do that, hell everybody does!  “Oh, this sucks!” but then we move on one way or another, you know?  These peeps are hammering their complaints to the ground, but don’t do anything about it.  They just want to keep making sure people know that “this ain’t EWTN. (said sarcastically)” and “Francis is the anti-pope.”  What the hell, guys?  Again.  Hatred without even any understanding of the other side.  I mean, don’t get me wrong.  Like I said here before, I’m no fan of the norvus ordo faith myself, but I practice the faith the way I feel the best to do it and along the actual rules and authority of Holy Mother Church.  I pray that more people become enlightened in their faith, and want to actually learn their faith as I have.  Understand that doing the things that they do are wrong when it feels right (enter your mortal sin that you try to justify here).  I’m not trying to start a revolution and claiming that we have no pope!  I don’t like the things that Pope Francis does either, but I also have the assurance that no matter what “The gates of hell shall not prevail against” the church.  We may have shady popes doing shady things (and believe me, we have had many in the past 2,000 years), but that has never led to the disrespect of the successor of Peter like I’ve seen it.  Maybe it was that way with the real bad popes back in the middle ages, but considering the global world we live in now, it’s way more visible of a defiance from people that we see now.  I pray for the poor souls in this world and the next.

I don’t know.  Maybe it’s just me.   I’m not a line stepper.  I’m not one to raise my voice in opposition of anything.  I don’t like to rock the boat.  I keep my mouth shut and my head down and mind my own damn business.  I wish a lot more people would do the same.  But that’s just me.

Happy for the Holidays

Hi y’all!  Can you believe it?  We’re two weeks away from Thanksgiving here in the U.S. and the full swing of the holidays is upon us.  It’s been a very quick last half of the year by all accounts.  It feels like it was just yesterday that it was the beginning of July and now we’re halfway through November.  Where does the time go?  I mean, I’m a believer that time starts to fly by faster the older we get, but holy smokes, this is the fastest time has passed by in my memory.  I can’t complain about it though, I love the holiday season.  I enjoy watching the holiday commercials on TV (yeah, I actually watch over the air TV sometimes.  Well, it’s mainly NFL Network and whatever networks the sports I love are on, but still!), and my favorite morning of the year, Thanksgiving, brings about the excitement of said day coming at us very quickly.  I actually have the majority of the day already planned out yearly.  I get up at around 6:45am, fire up the TV, and tune it to the local NBC affiliate as the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade begins at 7am.  I either enjoy a cup of eggnog or coffee while watching the parade, and about midway through it I set up my Christmas tree too!  I purposely bought a Peanuts Charlie Brown Christmas Tree that I made extra snazzy with a small set of white string lights that I have wrapped around the branch.  It looks cool!  Once Santa Claus brings up the rear of the parade and the hosts of the show wish us all a happy holiday season, I tune to the football games on and get the kitchen cleaned up and prepped for the traditional thanksgiving meal.  By that time my favorite NFL team, The Dallas Cowboys, game is on, so I make sure to watch all of that.  About halftime or so is when I set the oven to start up so that by about 3-5pm, the turkey and ham are warmed up and ready to go.  Then it’s dinner, more eggnog, and Christmas music.  I love it so much.  It breaks my heart that I see a lot of my friends hate on the holiday season so much and Christmas music even more.  I know at least some of these friends of mine are atheists and I’ve almost been tempted to tell them to stop giving their kids gifts on December 25th because if they don’t believe in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, what’s the point of taking part in one of the acts of celebrating His birthday?  Then again, I’m super non-confrontational, so I just let bygones be bygones.  I think I will start posting Christmas songs on Facebook, though!  Somebody has to keep the Christmas spirit going, right?!  Oh man, speaking of Christmas!!!  I think I’m going to really try to watch as many Christmas movies as I can this year.  There are so many to choose from on Netflix and now Disney+!  That doesn’t even include my annual Christmas Day personal film festival that I throw myself.  In no particular order, I watch the following films annually on Christmas Day:  Batman Returns, Friday After Next, Gremlins (sometimes), A Christmas Story, Polar Express, and Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer (the original Rankin & Bass production) while wearing comfy attire and drinking eggnog and coffee.  I don’t really know why, but I really feel to be in the holiday spirit this year.  I’m not going to complain, though.  It feels good to feel good, if that makes any sense.  I must take advantage of the good feelings while I got them, right?

Well, if you celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Year’s Eve/Day (which I haven’t even talked about either!), I hope and pray that the holiday spirit has hit you too!  What are some of your traditions for the holiday season?

Talk again soon!

A Great Reunion and the Decay of Society

Hi y’all!  I hope this post finds you in good spirits and good health.  As for me, what a difference 24 hours makes.  Let me get right down to the biggest news.  The hood cat IS BACK!  Old habits die young with me, so at about 5:30 this morning, I opened up the door to my flat and there the hood cat was, by the stairs waiting to see if I’d open up the door.  She immediately meowed and came inside.  I can’t begin to tell you how my heart quickly filled up with happiness at just seeing her.  She was meowing for a good two minutes, which I hope tells me that she missed me as much as I missed her.  I had sadly put her food and water bowls away in my closet, so I got them back out and poured her out some breakfast.  Poor girl was hungry!  So she let me pet her a bit and let me ask her where the hell she had been for the past 6 days, then I told her that I had missed her dearly, then she had her breakfast.  It was great to have her back.  She has no idea just how much she has helped me out emotionally and if she would have let me, I would have hugged her.  Petting her and telling her that I missed and love her were good enough, though.  And with that, I think she’s earned a new name from me.  She’s no longer “Quick” (as in Eddie Murphy’s character in the film Harlem Nights, specifically the opening scene when the character was a child), but now she’s earned the name “Bunny Lebowski” from the film The Big Lebowski.  *Spoilers*, but the main plot of the movie involved the ransom kidnapping of said Bunny Lebowski by nihilists, only to have her show up at her mansion towards the end of the film on her own after going to party with her friends in Malibu.  I wouldn’t know of any confirmed people to party with my favorite comedian, the late Sam Kinison, but he joked in his last special Live From Hell that he’s had parties that lasted longer than a skirmish the Kurds had in the early 90’s with another military force and people were lucky to be alive after said parties.  I was joking to myself that the cat found herself at one of Sam Kinison’s parties too, considering she was gone for 6 days.  HAHAHAHAHA!  Either way, I’m glad to know the girl is still around.  Maybe now I’ll get an inexpensive cat tree for her with a scratching post and see if she wants to hang out with me some more and stay out of the cold.  Time will tell.

Speaking of time!!!  Here’s an interesting topic to me that has come up today.  I’m going to get ranty here, so if what I say offends you, then I apologize.  Here’s what is grinding my gears:  People’s attire and the changing of said attire in our times.  This has come about because my heterosexual lifemate has been complaining all day over the fact that he has to wear a tie to work today.  He’s one of those people who despises any sort of formal wear and if it were up to him, he’d wear denim jeans and some beat up looking shirt every day.  He finds clever ways to insult men like me who enjoy wearing dress shirts and ties, and suits, and calls the actions antiquated and disingenuous.  I just don’t understand it.  Granted, this dude wasn’t raised by a good father figure, or actually the way he describes it any sort of good parental figure of any sort, he rebels against any form of authority, hates authority and rules, and can’t see the value of appearance and how it affects people.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I’m rocking out a suit to work or anything, or like I don’t have casual, damn near bum looking attire, I do, but there’s something to be said about going to work with dress shoes on, dress pants of some sort, and sometimes a shirt and tie and if not a polo shirt.  It’s just the adult thing to do in my opinion.  You gotta dress to the occasion, you know?  I mean, I can go from wearing a heavy metal band t-shirt (specifically Metallica, Pantera, HELLYEAH, and Damageplan) or a sports team t-shirt with some Nike shorts and Nike shoes, to wearing a suit and it wouldn’t faze me at all.  I know how to dress for time and place.  I don’t mind wearing a shirt and tie either, I don’t complain about it… actually I express the fact that I enjoy it when I do!

Question is, what’s changed from the 1950’s where men were in suits and hats every day of the week to now where guys can’t even bother to respect God by showing up to their church of choice in a shirt and tie.  The example of this sad state of affairs happened one of the last times I was forced to attend a Novus Ordo Mass when I made a brief return to hotel management.  I couldn’t attend my FSSP Traditional Latin Mass as I was still on duty at work, so I had to attend a Sunday afternoon Mass at a parish near work.  What I saw appalled me.  Where do I even start?  Drop down screens on either side of the sanctuary (what’s wrong with people?!  YOU SHOULD BE FOCUSING ON WHAT’S GOING ON IN THE SANCTUARY AT MASS!), little girl altar servers (umm, alter serves should be boys who at least possibly have the intention of becoming priests one day, so that should disqualify girls), nobody showing reverence before taking their seats at the pews (lack of knowledge in their faith), and the thing that really got me, the “choir”.  UGH!!!  I had forgotten about Novus Ordo “choirs”.  Guitars, drums, and other instruments that shouldn’t belong in a Catholic church.  That aside, the choir leader was wearing cargo shorts, some casual looking short sleeved white button up wrinkled collared shirt, and FLIP FLOPS.  DUDE!!!!!!!!!  Whiskey Tango Foxtrot!!!!   This is the respect this guy showed our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  Read that again.  THE RESPECT this guy showed our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  …NONE OF IT.  I know the counter argument to that… “God doesn’t care what you’re wearing…”  We don’t know that for sure I guess, but it damn sure is a sign of respect to try to dress your best in front of those who deserve our respect and the king of kings without question deserves that.  This dude couldn’t have cared less and that just broke my heart.

But that’s society these days.  Nobody has any respect for others.  It’s all about me, me, me, me, me.  Who cares about the other person?  It’s beyond me.  You know, I say that and remember my own words to friends when I say I treat everybody as equals, as I do, but there are a few people who I treat with greater respect than others.  People of authority (Priests, my elders, law enforcement, etc.) are given more respect by me than other people, but I also expect the respect to be reciprocated.  I know I’m a nobody, but I hate to be talked down to or made to feel inferior.

Back to the point, though.  It’s just a sad state of affairs to see where society is at right now.  As President Obama wrote about recently, we’re in a “cancel culture” where people are having to apologize for every single thing that offends people (which is dumb by the way), everybody is so self-righteous and shows no respect towards anybody or anything anymore, and rules are being thrown out the window.  Man, what a difference the world would be if we all just learned that it’s not just about us.  It’s about showing respect to those who deserve it and it’s about showing reverence by our actions and dress when appropriate, just to name a couple of things.  Maybe this world would be a better place than it is now.

Anyway, have a great day y’all.