Tag Archives: Religion

This and That in September

Hi y’all!  Long time no talk.  I know my last 10 or so blog posts have been brief, but that’s due in part to the lack of time I’ve been giving to really formulate my thoughts.  Believe me, there are a lot of thoughts that have been going through my head lately.  Much like most if not all of my blog posts, I’m just going to start typing and see where this one goes.  Bear with me, y’all!

So, where should I start?  I think I’m going to start off with October 5, 2020.  That’s the date that I either get paid $113 or I owe a friend $113.  The reason for that odd number (and yes that triggers my OCD like feelings) is that as of September 9th, that’s rounded up to how many pounds I need to lose to get to my goal weight.  I took the high and the low numbers from an ideal weight calculator website that takes 5 popular formulas, and found the average to be 137.6 pounds.  I know, it sounds insane to some people, especially those who know me in the outside world, but I think I’m going to do it.  Now, I really have no choice, unless my friend tells me to stop because I look sick or something.  I know I’m only 9 days out from the true beginning of this journey, but I’m feeling really good about it all.  I expected a big loss quickly, and sure enough I got it at my first weigh in, but now I’m motivated for the long haul.  I’ve even already gotten to the point of me going a full hour on the arc trainer and elliptical machines to burn off a lot of calories.  I know I can do this and I don’t even need any kind of support system to do it.  I’m doing this out of sheer curiosity and willpower.  I know I’m going to get to my goal weight before next October 5th, but it’s just a matter of when.  If I push myself to lose 3 pounds a week, I might even reach my goal on June 1st of this coming year.  A full 5 months ahead of schedule.  I think I can do that too.  Like I was telling my bandmates/best friends, I really have two goals in mind right now.  First one is to get down to my lowest adult weight that I ended up hitting like 6 years ago.  I decided to celebrate that a little too much and derailed the whole thing.  Secondly, after that, I’m going to keep going and instead of looking too far ahead, I’m going to take things 5 pounds at a time.  Before I know it, I’ll be where I need to be.  That thought actually excites me too, and does not scare me at all.  I’m looking forward to each 5lb checkpoint.  Smaller goals will mean that I’ll get to the ultimate goal in the end.  I’ll be sure to continually check in with my progress here!

As for other things in my life, I seem to have messed up the balance with things yet again.  My love life is a complete disaster which is trying it’s best to really mess with my depression, but otherwise my mental health has taken a turn for the better and has given me the will to succeed at the other aspects of my life.  My spiritual journey as I walk with Christ is good.  I mean, it can always be better, but I feel like I grow and learn more every single day.  My passion for organization and cleanliness has also ramped up.  I know that’s an annoying shock to my friends in the outside world too as they say that I’m already too much of a clean freak and am OCD with my organization.  Little do they know that I’ve only scratched the surface of that quirk of mine!  So, we’ll see how this little journey of mine goes.  I’m really curious to see if my focus on God and keeping things in clean order stay or exceed their current levels.

In a last bit of things that I wanted to mention and talk about was general human interaction and the perceived difference between the two sexes (YES, I said two!).  The reason I bring this up is because in my talks with my female friends, I find that these friends of mine either end up messing around with complete douchebags or get their hopes up and played by complete douchebags, then I get to hear the “well, guys are horrible!” blast.  I, of course, take great offense to that because even though they don’t believe me until they really notice my behavior, they think I’m just standing up for manhood.  No, it’s not that, it’s just that I hate to be lumped in with guys who use women like objects and don’t show them any respect.  I know I think this way, but I’ve actually been told that I think like a woman.  It’s probably because I was primarily raised by my mom as my dad worked his ass off to provide for us.  That’s why I keep such a clean house like I do.  That’s why I know how to cook the dishes I do and love to do that by the way, that’s why I don’t do the typical male things (I don’t know which ones, you pick one!) either.  I’m just wired differently.  I see a lot of things from the female prospective.  Hell, I even love in dating-esque relationships like a woman, so I think that has a lot to do with the fact that I seem to always either get cheated on, or otherwise mistreated in my relationships.  I’ve been told by female friends that they want men to act like men.  Obviously I get confused at that, because what is a man supposed to act like?  Chauvinistic?  Because if that’s it, then to hell with that!  I just don’t understand.  I’m not innocent in the dating life.  I know I make mistakes, but showing respect and treating everybody the way I would want to be treated is always rule number one with me.  I only actually stand up for myself and defend myself when I just get pushed too far.  There’s only so much abuse, disrespect, etc. that I can take before I break.

The thing that got me into this tangent was a co-worker of mine who talks to me about her dating adventures sometimes.  Homegirl was raised very traditionally Mexican and I’m sure has the mentality of men having to do all the work in the relationship (meaning, calling first, inviting out for dates, etc.  that type of thing).  She felt so embarrassed to ask a guy to see a movie with her.  Of course he didn’t respond to her, so she felt even worse and hated the feeling of rejection.  I found it so comical when she told me that she felt embarrassed and rejected because when I said “How do you think I felt all the times that happened?!  That’s why I stopped!” to her response of “but you’re a guy!”  Then I shook my head in shame because in her mind, apparently men have no sense of rejection, embarrassment, or shame.  To her, apparently, men go out to conquer women and get whatever it is that they are looking for then move on.  They are like animals, spreading their seed, unwilling to settle down with one woman.  It’s kinda sad that she has this warped world view.  Maybe it’s the horribly corrupt world we live in now, maybe it’s something else.  God knows what it may be, but I know I can’t be the only male out there who treats their date/girlfriend/wife with just common respect and dignity, right?  Needless to say, I told her that she’s got a lot to learn about the opposite sex, but that my proverbial door is always open if she needed to talk about anything.

So there it is, my friends.  Time to get at this thing we call life!

Talk again soon!

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We’ve Peaked as a Species

Hey y’all!  I’m back!  Actually, I’ve wanted to write about a lot of subjects over the past few weeks, but life keeps getting in the way, you know?  In any event, I was having a conversation with my heterosexual lifemate yesterday about the documentary entitled Behind the Curve and homeboy told me to watch it, even after spoiling the whole thing for the most part.  I figured “why not?” as I was really intrigued by the idea that people actually truly believe the notion that the earth is flat.  *spoilers* It’s not!

Here’s my main thought about it all.  We, as a species, have gotten completely stupid.  Yeah, I said it.  Stupid.  I mean, we peaked a generation or two ago, apparently, and now we’re on the downturn.  What the HELL is wrong with people?!  The freedom to believe whatever your little heart desires has created monsters of all shapes and sizes!  There are now conspiracies about everything because we’re allowed to believe whatever we want even if there is undeniable proof to counter our beliefs.

I mean, at first I thought things like this were a joke, you know?  Hell, I even still throw out the joke to my friends sometimes (as a clear joke by the way) that we never landed on the moon.  Some people are convinced that we didn’t!  I mean, what the hell?!   I may offend people with what I’m about to say, well unless you’re a flat earther or a moon landing denier and are already offended, but these people along with the anti vaxxers, atheists, the believers in the illuminati/new world order (personally I’m [nWo] 4-Life but that’s a wrestling faction!  LOL!!!), and most politically conservative people, etc. need serious mental help.  SERIOUSLY.  It’s getting out of freakin’ hand.  Every one of them suffer from the Dunning-Kruger effect and they need serious psychological help.  That’s really what it’s going to take for us as a species to stop the madness.  These people are seriously mentally disturbed and it’s ruining our society.  And what’s worse is that if you call any of them out on their complete craziness and irrational behavior and thoughts, they get even more bent out of shape about it.  We’re quickly slipping into the world of Idiocracy.  Before we know it, we’re going to be watching movies like “ASS” on our 4K television screens because that’s what is going to entertain us all while watering our plants with energy drinks like Brawndo because we’re going to be too stupid to know any better.  That is if we survive that long in the first place.

God bless us all.  WOW.

Entertainment to Spark the Mind

Hello y’all!  I’m back with another posting.  I rarely do these types of posts, but I feel that I cannot help myself in this case.  I don’t know how many of you saw the Super bowl over the weekend, but I did and I happened to notice the commercial for season 3 of the Hulu original, The Handmaid’s Tale.  Now, I’ve been deeply involved again in my personal Star Trek journey as I’m trying to watch the entire series (from The Original Series all the way to Star Trek Beyond) chronologically and that’s really been all I’ve been watching on TV, but seeing that commercial reignited by interest in that show.  I remember seeing trailers for it at the movie theater and various TV programs in the past about season 1 and I wanted to see it then, but it wasn’t until after the Super bowl that I finally started watching it.  If you haven’t seen it, be prepared for an INSANE ride.

The synopsis as per Google is as follows: “Based on the best-selling novel by Margaret Atwood, this series is set in Gilead, a totalitarian society in what used to be part of the United States. Gilead is ruled by a fundamentalist regime that treats women as property of the state, and is faced with environmental disasters and a plummeting birth rate. In a desperate attempt to repopulate a devastated world, the few remaining fertile women are forced into sexual servitude. One of these women, Offred, is determined to survive the terrifying world she lives in, and find the daughter that was taken from her.” HOLY SMOKES, right?!?!

I won’t go into much detail about it aside from this.  As what’s said in that synopsis, the now former United States of America is now a totalitarian society named Gilead.  In Gilead, women are servants to men in all aspects of life.  There are different classes of women, but none of the women are allowed to read or write.  How insane is that, right?!  The women are also forced into Plain Dress attire, and the men are kinda midway through it themselves, and the most horrible aspects of this all involved the violence in the name of religion.  And violence in all forms as you’d suspect.

Now, for those that haven’t seen the show or read the book (I still have to read the book myself), all this happens over the span of about 5 years or so where rights are taken away and people start getting brutally murdered either by gunfire or hanging.  Throughout the show, I’ve been thinking to myself, “How the HELL did the people who didn’t believe in these crazy people’s beliefs not leave?!”  Well, the way it’s shown from the episodes I’ve seen is that people fought back and tried to maintain their rights as American citizens until it was too late for them to escape and they ended up in a life of slavery due to their non-conformity.  It’s brutal.  Catholics, LGBTQs, unmarried couples, divorced and remarried people, and basically anybody else that does not believe in that particular protestant sect’s beliefs are hunted down and publicly hanged, or shot for their beliefs or lifestyles.  In a particularly hard scene for me to watch during episode 2 of season 1, two of the main characters, handmaids, are walking down a street in Cambridge, Massachusetts (where the show mainly takes place) and see St. Paul Church, a parish church of the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Boston, being torn down.  One handmaid tells the other that the régime also bulldozed St. Patrick’s Cathedral in Manhattan to try to “erase” the fact that it ever existed.  Seeing that happen on the show just broke my heart.  I started to wonder what I would have done in that situation.  Granted, for at least the immediate future, I’ll still be here in El Paso where if something like this happened… wait, well first off, I think Texas as a state would throw up the proverbial middle finger to this protestant sect and go independent republic like we were from 1836-1845.  Granted, the Republic of Texas existed 183-174 years ago, that independent spirit of native Texans still is strong.  Anyway, with that said, again if Texas didn’t become its own republic again and instead became part of Gilead, it would be pretty easy for people here in El Paso to cross the border into Mexico and escape.

The question is, would people who didn’t believe in radical Gilead retreat or fight?  What would I do?  That’s really the question here.  What the hell would I do?  I didn’t give it much thought, I’d flee.  Now, that’s what I’m trying to figure out about how exactly to feel about my decision.  Does that make me a coward?  Does that make me a non-believer in Jesus Christ?  That’s what I’ve been struggling with.  I mean, sure, it’s said in a few scriptures to be willing to die for the faith, but at what cost?  It’s the double edged sword of laying down one’s life for Christ, but at the same time fighting for one’s life.  An argument can be made for both sides, in my opinion.  I have always just had a very strong sense of self preservation, so I’d find a way to escape and then find a way to fight back any way I could to overthrow evil.

With that said, my next question as I’m watching the show is “Why the hell didn’t these people leave in droves to escape either north or south?!”  From what it looks like to me, it went down like this:  First off, protests took place denouncing the beginning of the removal of rights, etc.  all the while, people believed that this protestant group wasn’t going to really take over the United States and as much crap as they were doing, the country would never cease to exist.  Next, and finally, when the United States of America ceased to exist, all the people who didn’t believe it could happen and fought back instead were then trapped and forced into either slavery, or outright murdered.  I could totally see this happening too.  I mean, who in their right mind would think that something like this could happen?  Ask the German people when the Nazi party took over in 1933.  Of course people say now that something like that will never happen again, but history has a tendency to repeat itself, and that thought alone terrifies me.

So, I’m going to keep watching The Handmaid’s Tale, as I’m on episode 7 of season 1 as of this writing, and keep wondering what I’d do in this world.  I love shows like this.  Shows that make me either think about my own life or make me dream about how I hope life will turn out for humanity as a whole is what sparks my interest.

Have y’all seen this show?!  What are your thoughts on the matter?  Do you question your life and the decisions you’d have to make if thrust into this situation?

Blessed be the fruit and praise be!

Getting At It

Good morning y’all!  I’ve been thinking about a question lately.  What motivates you?  And what are you motivated to do?  Without even knowing it, I find myself motivated to be better in many different ways by many different things every day.  These things have changed over the years, actually.  As of now, and lately come to think of it, I’ve been motivated to live a generally better life by a few different factors.

First thing, and this has actually been on ongoing thing throughout my entire adult life, I’ve been motivated to live the best Christian life that I can thanks to my ever growing knowledge of my Catholic faith.  There’s not a day that goes by that I’m not either reading articles from the various councils throughout history, or a church doctor, etc. about my faith OR I’m listening to one of my 3 favorite shows on ETWN Radio (being Called to Communion [which I recommend to any non-Catholic AND Catholic alike], Open Line Monday & Thursday, and Catholic Answers Live).  I’ve learned so much and am still eager to learn about how to become a better Christian and a better overall person.  All of us can improve.  Nobody is perfect.

The second thing that I get motivated about is my health, specifically my weight.  Ever since the age of 7, I’ve had a weight problem.  I don’t really know what changed from that age, but it’s been something I’ve been trying to get a hold of for the better part of 15 or so years.  I had a great run about 6 years ago where I was well on my way to get down to my goal weight and got down to my lowest weight ever as an adult.  I messed it up by rewarding myself a bit too much, then going through personal situations and before I knew it, I was worse off than when I really decided to be serious about losing weight.  I always wanted to get back to that feeling of craving doing an hour or more on The Arc Trainer at the gym and seeing the number on the scale decrease every week, but I just let the good times take over.  It was only until I really maxed out in December of 2017 that I decided to say no more AGAIN and get myself back on track.  I had a 12 month kinda warm up, but I’ve really ramped it up this month and have gained that hunger, desire, and craving to get on that Arc Trainer every day and spend an hour doing cardio.  It’s gotten so good that I’m actively shunning cheat meals; cheat moments all together come to think of it.  I don’t want to get derailed for anything, and I’m feeling great about it.  I’ve already lost 15 pounds this month and each one of those pounds has motivated me to push even harder to get down to that lowest adult weight and break through that and get down to my goal weight.  It’s all motivated by the way my clothes are fitting, the way the numbers on the scale go down, and the way I mentally feel about it.  I feel awesome and I want to maintain that feeling.

The last thing I feel motivated about is my status amongst loved ones.  I have people that I care about and they motivate me to be a better person too.  I know that may sound strange to say that it takes another person or other people to make you want to improve, but it’s true in my case.  I have things to look forward to and the desire to be the best version of me that I can be motivates me to want to be better every day.

What motivates you?  Are you even motivated?  Or am I even weirder than I already knew I was?

Have an awesome rest of the week, friends!

Creeping Death and Other Things to Ponder

Hey y’all!  I’m still processing the fact that we’re now in 2019.  What has happened to the time?!  I mean, I just turned 38 last month, but think about that… 1980 was damn near 40 years ago!  I’m still listening and prefer music from 1989 all the way back to the early 1920s!  Holy SMOKES.  The 1920s!  That was ONE HUNDRED years ago!  It’s hard for me to believe.  It really is.  I always envisioned the future to be, well futuristic.  LOL.  Maybe it is in comparison to the 1970s and 1980s with the tech I grew up with, but generally things are the same.

That idea of time I have which I could go into more detail about was brought on by a topic brought up to me yesterday.  Bucket lists.  Do you have one?  I thought I did for a second there, but I soon realized that I really don’t have one.  As Dictionary.com puts it, a bucket list is “a list of things a person wants to achieve or experience, as before reaching a certain age or dying.”  Right on Front Street, isn’t it?  I don’t know if this makes me even more weird than I know I already am, but I really don’t have goals that I want to achieve or things I want to experience by a certain age.  I find that putting things like that to strive for in the future just makes those things unattainable in a sense.  I lose my track in the present dreaming about the future and end up messing things up.  Does that make any sense?  It has happened too many times that I get distracted day dreaming about a possible future and end up messing something up in the present.  Plus, most of those things never came true anyway, so I figured why not live in the now?  Odd, right?  I mean, if I were pressed to say some sort of bucket list thing that I think could possibly be attainable or that I really want to do, it would be to visit Rome and The Vatican, specifically.  As a practicing Catholic, I should want to see that.  But those other worldly possession or vacation ideas that a lot of people strive for, I couldn’t care less for.  I know that may sound strange and out of left field, but it’s really how I feel.  I have no desire to climb a mountain, skydive, or do some other sort of potentially dangerous act.  I actually have a strong sense of self-preservation that keeps me from putting myself in too much of harm’s way.  Monetary desires, winning a lottery notwithstanding, are also out of the window for me.  I don’t strive to chase that extra dollar.  That’s not how God wants me to live.  What I need, He will provide.  I don’t need to worry, nor do I need to collect up treasures here on earth.  I have no desire to, either.

So what is it that I live for?  In a few words, I live for love, happiness, and comfort.  I want to give the people I’m close to all the love I can, and I want to be happy as much as I can.  I also just want to be comfortable.  Now, that last term can be a pretty broad one, I know, but comfort for me is more about peace than anything else.  I want to be comfortable with myself, with the people I associate with, with my surroundings, and with my life in general.  As long as all that is present, I want for nothing more.  I’m honestly a pretty simple person, actually.  I try to find the joy in everything that I do, even the most simple and boring of tasks.  I try not to dwell on the negative in life and I also try to live in the moment.  I have my good and my bad days, but for the last few years at least, I’ve had a lot more good than bad days.

On another topic that I have been thinking about, how do y’all feel about the typical adult tasks that we have to do?  I’m talking about cleaning, laundry, cooking, and shopping?  I’ve been in conversations recently where other people absolutely despise shopping and have gone out of their way as to do their grocery shopping online and picking it up instead so that they really don’t even have to do it at all.  Others I’ve heard of, for as old as they are, have no clue how to do laundry, clean, or cook for themselves and don’t have any desire to learn.  I find all of this to be insane in my point of view.  I know that I’m the weirdo, but one of the things that I like to do the most is to go grocery and other needed items shopping.  It’s fun to get dinner ideas, explore new items, and to just be part of society.  I know, as an introvert, I should be avoiding people, but I guess being in that environment, it makes me feel like I’m actually part of something.  Silly, I know, but I really just enjoy it.  As far as cooking and cleaning, man!  I have fun doing those things as well!  There’s nothing better, in my opinion, than that just cleaned house and laundry done and folded away feeling.  I look forward to that every week.  I like to have things in their proper place and clean at that!

So, I don’t know.  Am I the one in the wrong here to not have these grandiose ideas of wealth, fame, power, etc.?  Or am I in the wrong for liking to shop, clean, and do laundry?  Not in my personal opinion, because it’s what keeps me relatively happy, but I do think if I’m the exception to the rule in this world.

Talk next time, friends!

Caeruleum Christmas

Merry Christmas everybody!  I hope you spend baby Jesus’ birthday filled with love and joy.  Mine, initially, wasn’t very loving or joyful I must admit, but things turned around for the better at the end.  That’s what matters, right?

It was such an odd buildup to Christmas for me too.  The weekend seemed to be just an odd blur.  I know I got stuff done on Saturday and watched Christmas movies then too, but it feels to me like I must have been in a coma or something because the days flew by so quickly.  Since I was out of touch with my football watching, I spent all Sunday watching the various NFL games too, so my Sunday flew by as well.  Before I knew it, Christmas Eve was here, and I was awake and getting ready to drive the 30 minutes to my grandparents’ house.  It was a quick visit, however, because everybody in my small family had places to go aside from my grandparents’ house, me included.  It was cool to catch up with my cousins and see my family together again, but I felt a little guilty for having to leave my grandparents in order to sleep to go to caroling at 11pm and High Mass at midnight, but I departed anyway.  I was still the last one to leave, so there’s that.

That’s about the point where things started to go south for me.  As soon as I got home, of course I was wide the hell awake.  I could not fall asleep for the life of me.  To make matters worse, I think my neighbor upstairs had kids or something visiting him because all I heard was the pounding of feet and God knows what else hitting the floor making percussive thuds down onto me.  Normally I tune those things out, but this time my brain was still working in overdrive so I couldn’t fall asleep.  I think I only slept about 45 minutes before I got up and got ready to go to my parish.  As soon as I got into the church and sat at my normal pew I started to feel ok until the choir started singing.  Apparently, I was so relaxed that I started to feel myself slowly wanting to go to sleep.  I fought it all the way through until Mass started and thankfully I was very much awake for the entire Mass.  I didn’t think I’d make it, to be honest.  So, after Mass concluded and I walked down the aisle to exit the church, a bit of sadness came over me.  And this is going to sound stupid and narcissistic and for that I apologize, but I started to feel sorry for myself.  Actually, I started to feel this before Mass even started, but of course as Mass takes place I tend to focus on that.  Anyway, the reason I started to feel sorry for myself is because a wave of loneliness took over.  Normally, I prefer to be alone, but there are certain days and activities where the bad light of being alone hits and this happened to be one of them.  I started to feel pretty worthless, actually.  How sad is it that there were a lot of families there celebrating the birth of our Lord ready to celebrate even more as soon as Mass ended in whatever way they were going to choose to, and there I was attending Mass alone, going home alone, to an empty house.  The emptiness of it is the part that bothered me, actually.  I’m used to being alone and as I just mentioned, prefer it most of the time, but that 10 minute drive back home was the saddest I’ve had in a while.  There are a few questions that go through my head sometimes like “Why is it that my life is this way?”  “What the hell did I do to deserve this?”  They were sure dancing through my head then.  Where did I go wrong?  If you want me to be honest, I don’t think they’ve ever been right in my adult life.  How sad is that?

I don’t want to be misunderstood, though.  I’m not seeking sympathy or anything; I’m just merely stating the facts of my life as it’s stood for 20 years.  I always have the worst luck in trivial things, but trivial things that make the most emotional impact.  I think I’m the only idiot alive who wants to have a family life that currently doesn’t.  I know there are probably a lot of men in family situations that would kill to have my life too, so I guess it works both ways.  There have been a lot of blessings in my life likewise that people would die to have blessed onto them.  It doesn’t change the emotional feelings when you’re right in the middle of them, though.

Anyway, I got home about 1:45am and decided to watch The Polar Express since I wasn’t going to go to my dad’s house (as I found out we weren’t getting together at all on Christmas day, which was a first for me) for Christmas and I doubted that my nephews would want to see it as they’ve never been interested in it, so even though I was going to see them later on in the day I knew I’d only have this opportunity to watch it.  I made a cup of hot chocolate and tried to cheer myself up.  It only masked the hurt because I still felt lonely and just empty, and of course the exhaustion I had still was lingering so that made things worse.  Well, I only lasted about an hour until I was in and out of sleep before I decided to shut the movie off and go to bed.  A heavy sleep brought the morning quickly and for as much as I was hoping that my Christmas blues would kick rocks, of course they didn’t.  I opened my cards like they were pieces of mail because nothing about it felt special.  I appreciated the gifts and the cards, but it just felt… what’s the word?  Ordinary.  There was no Christmas spirit there at all.  I went back to bed since I felt like I had a hangover even though I didn’t drink and when I woke up again still feeling bad, I had no choice but to get up to go deliver the Christmas gift I gave my dad as he was at work, then I drove back home to wait for my sister to show up.  By this point, it was 1 or so in the afternoon, my head was pounding, I was starving, and I felt pretty bad emotionally to boot.

When my sister finally showed up about an hour later, things really turned around for me.  Seeing my nephews made all the difference.  I was glad to have them over and I was glad to watch a few Christmas films and other films with them too.  The loneliness was gone and I was just glad to spend time with the kiddos.  I’m still not playing with them as much as I’d like, but that’s because I’m so busy always catching up with the adults that time just slips by.  That’s my fault too.  The need for solitude that I have means that I have to get in all my catching up when I do see my sister in person, so that kinda leaves the kiddos in a bind.  I gotta do better with that.  I will.

So, there it was.  Christmas.  The good and the bad.  At least it ended on a good note.  I’m relatively happy today, and I have a short week so there will be nothing to complain about.  I’m looking forward to a visit I’m getting on Friday and to go through with my traditional New Year’s Eve festivities too, so no more reason to be blue.  Let’s finish off 2018 on a high note, y’all!

Merry Christmas and may God bless each one of you!

Future’s End

Salutations, y’all!  I hope you are having a great day.  As I write this, it is December 6, 2018.  Yesterday, a State funeral was held for our 41st president, George H.W. Bush.  Now, I’m not going to get into politics because well A) I can’t, and B) I don’t really want to share my personal political beliefs and frankly I don’t want to hear yours, so I won’t do it.  The one thing I do want to say though, is leaving politics aside, from most accounts George H.W. Bush was an awesome dude.  He was a funny, kind, caring, loving person who put family first and didn’t take himself too seriously.

I had the opportunity to see the entire funeral yesterday and I was just struck by it all.  The reverence that Washington, D.C. showed towards this man was moving in itself.  The eulogies were moving, and I was surprised at just how Novus Ordo Catholic the Episcopal service was, or maybe surprised/saddened at how much the Mass of Pope Paul VI was protestant in its nature.  In any event, the thing that moved me the most was President George W. Bush’s eulogy of his father.  As has been discussed at length over time, President Bush (43) is an emotional man, as was his late father.  What I knew but didn’t think I needed to hear, however, was just how much he meant to him.

Let me backtrack a bit.  Even before he mentioned that, another thing struck me.  “The idea is to die young as late as possible.”  Man, how true is that phrase, right?!  I mean, really?  I know I just spoke of this a few blogs ago about me being too grown up to play with my nephews and now that quote.  That’s so true.  Do young people things and you won’t grow old, man.  It’s as simple as that!  Then another thing, when President Bush mentioned that his father made sure to cherish the gift of life and live each day to the fullest thanks to his two brushes with death early on in his life struck another chord with me thanks to my near suicide attempt 7+ years ago.  Yes, my brush with death was self-inflicted, but it was a brush nonetheless.  After those few dark days, I purged the darkness and let light flood me and I made sure to shine that light on those whom I love and cherish to this day.  Some people think that I’m putting on an act, like I’m really some sort of a jerk, but honestly I’m not.  I’m always trying to go out of my way to help my friends in need if I can, let them know that I am there for them, even if it’s just an ear beating they need to unleash to a waiting person.  That’s what I do best.  I hope my friends know that.

The things that got me, however, was President Bush speaking about how great of a father President Bush was, giving unconditional love even when his kids tested his patience.  It got me to think about two things.

First off, I thought of my parents.  I know I put my parents though some things in my teenage through mid-20s years, and even though I had sort of “Come to Jesus” talks with them, they knew that I knew I messed up.  They didn’t need to tell me that I was messing up.  But not once did I feel they gave up on me or didn’t care.  If I think about it hard enough, I can go back to the handful of times I hurt my mom and even though we have a deep love for each other, sometimes I feel like I never actually got the chance to let her know just how much it pained me to have been an idiot and made her feel bad.  I know it’s too late now, as she’s passed away, but I would hope to think that she knows now just how bad I feel for my mistakes in my youth.  As far as my dad goes, we have a great relationship.  There’s nothing on my end that I need to tell him that he doesn’t already know.  I don’t know what his expectations were of me when I was born 38 years ago, but I hope he knows that I’ve tried my best at everything I’ve set out to do.  He taught me a lot and I love him.

The second thing that I thought about as President Bush continued to eulogize his father was that I wondered about legacy and the things we’ll leave behind when we die.  I know, it may sound morbid to some people, but death is something that none of us can avoid.  We all have to think about it.  In giving that some thought, I wonder what I’m going to leave behind.  As it stands now, not much.  I mean, I have this visual record of my last 7 years writing down my thoughts about the good and bad in my life.  I also have the 2 recordings I made with my band that will live on forever.  I have the memories that will live on with my friends and family as well.  But the one thing that, as of this writing, won’t go on will be any legacy of children.  I’m one of those weirdos who actually wants to be married and have children.  I want to raise children to follow in the faith in Jesus Christ as I do, to love everybody unconditionally, to be that kind soul that a friend or family member may need from time to time, to not care about worldly possessions, to appreciate the arts, everything that I love and stand for.  As of now, that is probably never going to happen.  It hurts, but you know what?  That’s ok too.  Let God’s will be done.  The thing that worries me though is who is going to bury me and give me the proper Catholic Traditional Latin Rite rosary, requiem Mass, and burial?  I’ll have nobody to trust to ensure that happens as it stands now and honestly that scares me.  My soul won’t be at rest with some sort of protestant “service” *insert nauseous chills here* or some sort of offensive guitar/percussion music filled novus ordo Mass at a protestant looking Catholic Church either.

I don’t know.  Maybe I’m over thinking it.  But I do like to know at least of a few things that will eventually happen in my future.  Perhaps I should start looking into preparing my funeral arrangements to ensure that what I need, I’ll get.  I know it may sounds nuts considering my age, but the future is never guaranteed for any of us.  Might as well make sure your last wishes are respected while you still can plan them out.

Until next blog, y’all!