Tag Archives: Relationships

Happy for the Holidays

Hi y’all!  Can you believe it?  We’re two weeks away from Thanksgiving here in the U.S. and the full swing of the holidays is upon us.  It’s been a very quick last half of the year by all accounts.  It feels like it was just yesterday that it was the beginning of July and now we’re halfway through November.  Where does the time go?  I mean, I’m a believer that time starts to fly by faster the older we get, but holy smokes, this is the fastest time has passed by in my memory.  I can’t complain about it though, I love the holiday season.  I enjoy watching the holiday commercials on TV (yeah, I actually watch over the air TV sometimes.  Well, it’s mainly NFL Network and whatever networks the sports I love are on, but still!), and my favorite morning of the year, Thanksgiving, brings about the excitement of said day coming at us very quickly.  I actually have the majority of the day already planned out yearly.  I get up at around 6:45am, fire up the TV, and tune it to the local NBC affiliate as the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade begins at 7am.  I either enjoy a cup of eggnog or coffee while watching the parade, and about midway through it I set up my Christmas tree too!  I purposely bought a Peanuts Charlie Brown Christmas Tree that I made extra snazzy with a small set of white string lights that I have wrapped around the branch.  It looks cool!  Once Santa Claus brings up the rear of the parade and the hosts of the show wish us all a happy holiday season, I tune to the football games on and get the kitchen cleaned up and prepped for the traditional thanksgiving meal.  By that time my favorite NFL team, The Dallas Cowboys, game is on, so I make sure to watch all of that.  About halftime or so is when I set the oven to start up so that by about 3-5pm, the turkey and ham are warmed up and ready to go.  Then it’s dinner, more eggnog, and Christmas music.  I love it so much.  It breaks my heart that I see a lot of my friends hate on the holiday season so much and Christmas music even more.  I know at least some of these friends of mine are atheists and I’ve almost been tempted to tell them to stop giving their kids gifts on December 25th because if they don’t believe in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, what’s the point of taking part in one of the acts of celebrating His birthday?  Then again, I’m super non-confrontational, so I just let bygones be bygones.  I think I will start posting Christmas songs on Facebook, though!  Somebody has to keep the Christmas spirit going, right?!  Oh man, speaking of Christmas!!!  I think I’m going to really try to watch as many Christmas movies as I can this year.  There are so many to choose from on Netflix and now Disney+!  That doesn’t even include my annual Christmas Day personal film festival that I throw myself.  In no particular order, I watch the following films annually on Christmas Day:  Batman Returns, Friday After Next, Gremlins (sometimes), A Christmas Story, Polar Express, and Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer (the original Rankin & Bass production) while wearing comfy attire and drinking eggnog and coffee.  I don’t really know why, but I really feel to be in the holiday spirit this year.  I’m not going to complain, though.  It feels good to feel good, if that makes any sense.  I must take advantage of the good feelings while I got them, right?

Well, if you celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Year’s Eve/Day (which I haven’t even talked about either!), I hope and pray that the holiday spirit has hit you too!  What are some of your traditions for the holiday season?

Talk again soon!

Sadness, Loneliness, Depression, Exhaustion, Burn Out, and Malaise: My Life’s Journey.

Happy November, y’all.  We made it to the end of the year.  Whoa.  Wait a minute.  2019 is almost over?!  I never did get quite used to knowing that we were living in this year.  If that makes any sense the way I put it, I suppose.  I guess it the year still feels like it’s too far in the future when I actually think or say the year to myself.  What can I say, I’m one of those people who think of the 1980’s when people say “remember 10, 15, 20 years ago when…”  Yep, that.  I think “yeah!  Hell yeah I remember 1987!”  To think, 1987 wasn’t 10 to 20 years ago.  Nope.  1987 was 32 years ago.  Whoops!  Hahaha!  So, yeah, 2019 is like flying cars future to my brain, not the present.  Now I’m going to have to get used to 2020 in less than 2 months!  I’m sure my brain is going to explode come January.

Anyway, I’ve been having a rough go at it lately.  I’ve been having a lot of times of sadness, loneliness, depression, exhaustion, burn out, and malaise.  I can’t really pinpoint the source, though, and that is making things a little bit frustrating.  All that is causing me to have a general bitter and angry baseline when it comes to emotional status and I don’t think a lot of my friends out here in the non-digital world are liking it too much.  Can’t say I blame them, though.  Seeing me not be a cheerful, joking dude must be a bit of an adjustment.  If I allow myself to think of it, I think I can put a finger on the cause of my problems.  In no order, I think I just have been overextending myself lately and not giving myself enough time to just rest.  It’s been a band practice here, visiting a friend’ house there, play some stupid gig for an hour (not even a full set) on two different occasions here (no, not worth it for me), family obligations there, all the while try and fit in me time into there somewhere.  I knew it would come to this too.  I would tell myself, “Dude, you’re gonna hit the burn out wall and you’re not going to like it.  It’s coming, dude.”  Sure enough I was cruising along at the speed of sound when out of nowhere came the unmovable wall and I hit it straight on.  All of this is compounded with my financial situation of living check to check, and my love life which is in the landfill section of life, so yeah… all of those negative feelings (and probably others that I can’t quite put a name to but they are there) just came out in large flooding event and I’ve been fighting the waves since then.

In a small moment of happiness, however, I befriended the strayed/probably abandoned cat that had been hanging around my apartment building since about May of this year.  She was God’s small gift to me…  Another living object to show compassion and love to without reservations or questions.  Spoilers, she’s been gone since last Wednesday morning which leads me to believe that somebody took her or the maintenance peeps at the complex called animal control and they picked her up.  In any event, the 3 weeks that we became friends helped me out during some of my dark times.  Her and I got into a routine where I’d let her into the flat in the mornings, she’d have a bit to eat, and she would spend some time with be before meowing to be let back out, then she’d go along the rest of the day while I was at work and she would show back around in the late afternoon/evening where she’d have another snack and we’d hang out some more.  I would like to think I was giving her comfort and compassion and even if she didn’t intend to, she did the same to me.  In the days since she’s been gone, I’ve joked to myself that she’s been a typical woman in my life.  Shows up, everything is cool, but the minute I show love and provide a meal, she bails.  L O L!!!!!!!!  It’s sad but true.

Anyway, this damn black cloud of mine has started to affect my energy levels to the point that I am sure that I scared my grandma and my dad.  Last week, during my weekly Tuesday visit with my grandparents, I told my grandma that I have been just tired every single day lately and no matter how much I sleep I still hit a wall of exhaustion.  My CPAP machine of doom should have fixed that up, but so far it’s had no effect at all when it comes to feeling refreshed.  The thing that came to her mind was the possibility of me having Lupus.  My mom passed away of the disease 11 years ago and it runs in her family, so naturally I could also be stricken with said disease.  I told her that I had gotten tested for it a few years back and came back negative but it was enough of a worry for her to tell my old man about it.  Yesterday was his bi-weekly visit, so one of the first things he asked me was about my health.  He suggested me eating something during the day to keep my energy level up since he knows I don’t eat lunch, and also possibly just resting more and taking a Tuesday off from seeing my grandparents to allow me to rest, but then I told him I couldn’t ever take a Tuesday off from the grandparents because the minute they are gone I know I’m going to have that regret of “hey lazy ass, remember when you chose to stay home instead of seeing them?!  How rested are you now, you jerk?!  You can’t see or talk to your grandparents anymore, so you can have all the time you want!”  I don’t want to live with that on my conscience, so I’m going to spend every chance I can give myself with them to live without that regret.  To hell with being tired.  I’ll deal with it later.  I don’t know when, but later.

Personally, I think I just need like 3-4 days straight of just staying home to recharge with no responsibilities to have to tend to.  Wake up, clean the parts of the CPAP machine that I need to on a daily basis, fire up the TV to watch Good Morning Football if I wake up early enough to watch it, if not some sort of streaming app, make myself an awesome breakfast when the hunger hits, clean the kitchen after said meal, then just relax.  Listen to music if the mood strikes.  Lay in bed, watch movies or shows.  Don’t even open the front door or open the blinds in the living room.  Just be me, alone, for 72-96 hours, and pray that it fixes the thing that’s broken inside of me.  Sadly, I don’t think I can pull this feat off anytime soon, but I can sure as hell try to squeeze in a day or two this long weekend that’s coming up.

And hey!  My favorite time of the year is here.  Thanksgiving is 24 days away; Christmas is next month, as is New Year’s Eve!  Happy times are ahead, God willing.

Keep on keeping on, my friends.

Taking the Good with the Bad

Happy Friday, y’all!

I hope this post finds those who read it in good spirits.

As for me?  I don’t even know how to feel at this moment.  So many things have been happening and my health has been so jacked up lately that I’m starting to feel like I’m losing something.  What that something is, however, I don’t know yet.  It’s been strange to try to even describe it to myself.  It’s like a mixture of heartbreak, depression, anxiety, malaise, stress and exhaustion all rolled up into one bomb of death.  The odd part is that I have no idea where it’s coming from.  I’ve been feeling sick since the middle of last month with some upper respiratory thing and I thought it has gone away, but I’m guessing that crap is lingering.  I’m just tired most of the time and now it’s affecting my daily life.  I know at this point you’re probably saying “Dude, why don’t you go see a doctor?!”  Well, the answer to that quite simply is because I can’t afford to see my doctor.  My health insurance sucks and I have such a high deductible that I simply can’t afford to see a doctor, so unless things go really south, I just have to bear it.  I’m not going to go into a rant about how the healthcare system in the United States sucks, but just know that it does and I’m part of the proof.  Pray for me, my friends!

In happier news, I have made a new and surprising friend.  I’ve known of her since about May or so this year, but the past week or so has changed things a lot between us.  The crazy part is that I’m talking about a cat.  HAHAHA!  I know!  Not a person, but a cat!  I’ve never been on good terms with cats for some reason.  The majority of them have wanted nothing at all to do with me.  The only cat that has been cool to me was a baby kitten that one of my good friends got a few years ago.  My heterosexual lifemate and I went up to Albuquerque for a weekend to visit her and I was crashing out on my air mattress in the living room and the two mornings I spent there, this kitten would jump up on the mattress and want to play with me.  It was the coolest and so much fun.  Every other cat has avoided me like the plague!  Well, fast forward to around May of this year.  I started noticing that a tuxedo furred cat was lounging around sitting on top of hoods and tops of the cars (including my truck) in my parking area of the apartment complex I live in.  For months, I’ve thought that it belonged to my upstairs neighbor’s girlfriend as this cat started showing up around the time she did as well.  I was annoyed sometimes, admittedly, because I’d find tiny paw prints all over my hood and my windshield from this cat.  I couldn’t figure out for the life of me why this lady would let her cat just roam around and mess with people’s property like that.  But, non-confrontational me just let it slide.  It’s just an old truck anyway.  Who cares, right?  Well, girlfriend takes off but the cat stays.  Hmm… that’s odd.  Dude is at work but the cat is out.  Hmmm… what the hell?  I just brushed it all off.  Well, fast forward to a few weeks ago.  I was doing my laundry one Saturday afternoon as I tend to do, and the cat was hanging out on the sidewalk by my door.  I said my greetings and she actually let me pet her, but then a funny thing happened.  She just wanted my company.  I stuck around and gave her company and went back inside my flat.  Little did I know that this blossomed now into a full-fledged support thing.  She comes by now to see me every morning and every evening just about, and I’ve gone as far as to buy her treats and a water and food bowl to make sure she’s taken care of.  I’m sure that few other tenants do the same, but I’ve started to grown attached to this cat.  Going through this crappy time with my health, feeling lonely and forgotten, and just generally being out of sorts has sucked.  I think God put this cat in my life to cheer me up a bit.  She comes by, I hook her up with eats and drinks if she wants them, she lets me pet her (sorta) and she just gives me company for short periods of time, but right now it’s what I need.  Pretty soon with the cold weather coming in, I’m planning on buying her a pet bed and a container to put it in so that she can have a little bit of warm space to sleep outside if she wants it.  I’d bring her in, but truthfully I have too many things that can easily be knocked over by a curious cat, and let me tell you the times she’s found her way into my flat she’s been curious but she knows I’m watching.  Hahaha!  I can only imagine the mischief she’d stir up at night as I slept if she were to stay indoors.  But I care for her, and she brings me at least a tea light of illumination in this dark place I’m in now and I’m grateful for her every day.  I can’t wait to see her every time I get back home.

Well, time to try and survive the day before I can get myself home to rest and see said cat.  By the way, I’ve decided to nickname her “Quick” in honor of Eddie Murphy’s character in the film Harlem Nights.  For those who aren’t familiar with the film, at the beginning when Quick was just a child, he gets Richard Pryor’s character out of a life or death situation and the dialogue is as follows:

Sugar Ray:  Alright fellas.  Lookit, the game’s over for tonight.  I’m gonna take this boy home to is mother!

Quick:  My momma’s dead.

Sugar Ray:  Alright then.  Yo daddy.

Quick:  My father’s dead too.

Sugar Ray:  Didja kill ‘em?

Quick:  Nah, they just dead.

Sugar Ray:  Where do you stay?

Quick:  I don’t live nowhere!

Sugar Ray:  Well, I guess you can stay with me for a while.

Quick:  A’ight.

L O L!!!!!  She reminds of Quick as a kid.  She don’t live nowhere, but she can stay with me for a while.

God bless y’all!  Talk again soon!

This and That in September

Hi y’all!  Long time no talk.  I know my last 10 or so blog posts have been brief, but that’s due in part to the lack of time I’ve been giving to really formulate my thoughts.  Believe me, there are a lot of thoughts that have been going through my head lately.  Much like most if not all of my blog posts, I’m just going to start typing and see where this one goes.  Bear with me, y’all!

So, where should I start?  I think I’m going to start off with October 5, 2020.  That’s the date that I either get paid $113 or I owe a friend $113.  The reason for that odd number (and yes that triggers my OCD like feelings) is that as of September 9th, that’s rounded up to how many pounds I need to lose to get to my goal weight.  I took the high and the low numbers from an ideal weight calculator website that takes 5 popular formulas, and found the average to be 137.6 pounds.  I know, it sounds insane to some people, especially those who know me in the outside world, but I think I’m going to do it.  Now, I really have no choice, unless my friend tells me to stop because I look sick or something.  I know I’m only 9 days out from the true beginning of this journey, but I’m feeling really good about it all.  I expected a big loss quickly, and sure enough I got it at my first weigh in, but now I’m motivated for the long haul.  I’ve even already gotten to the point of me going a full hour on the arc trainer and elliptical machines to burn off a lot of calories.  I know I can do this and I don’t even need any kind of support system to do it.  I’m doing this out of sheer curiosity and willpower.  I know I’m going to get to my goal weight before next October 5th, but it’s just a matter of when.  If I push myself to lose 3 pounds a week, I might even reach my goal on June 1st of this coming year.  A full 5 months ahead of schedule.  I think I can do that too.  Like I was telling my bandmates/best friends, I really have two goals in mind right now.  First one is to get down to my lowest adult weight that I ended up hitting like 6 years ago.  I decided to celebrate that a little too much and derailed the whole thing.  Secondly, after that, I’m going to keep going and instead of looking too far ahead, I’m going to take things 5 pounds at a time.  Before I know it, I’ll be where I need to be.  That thought actually excites me too, and does not scare me at all.  I’m looking forward to each 5lb checkpoint.  Smaller goals will mean that I’ll get to the ultimate goal in the end.  I’ll be sure to continually check in with my progress here!

As for other things in my life, I seem to have messed up the balance with things yet again.  My love life is a complete disaster which is trying it’s best to really mess with my depression, but otherwise my mental health has taken a turn for the better and has given me the will to succeed at the other aspects of my life.  My spiritual journey as I walk with Christ is good.  I mean, it can always be better, but I feel like I grow and learn more every single day.  My passion for organization and cleanliness has also ramped up.  I know that’s an annoying shock to my friends in the outside world too as they say that I’m already too much of a clean freak and am OCD with my organization.  Little do they know that I’ve only scratched the surface of that quirk of mine!  So, we’ll see how this little journey of mine goes.  I’m really curious to see if my focus on God and keeping things in clean order stay or exceed their current levels.

In a last bit of things that I wanted to mention and talk about was general human interaction and the perceived difference between the two sexes (YES, I said two!).  The reason I bring this up is because in my talks with my female friends, I find that these friends of mine either end up messing around with complete douchebags or get their hopes up and played by complete douchebags, then I get to hear the “well, guys are horrible!” blast.  I, of course, take great offense to that because even though they don’t believe me until they really notice my behavior, they think I’m just standing up for manhood.  No, it’s not that, it’s just that I hate to be lumped in with guys who use women like objects and don’t show them any respect.  I know I think this way, but I’ve actually been told that I think like a woman.  It’s probably because I was primarily raised by my mom as my dad worked his ass off to provide for us.  That’s why I keep such a clean house like I do.  That’s why I know how to cook the dishes I do and love to do that by the way, that’s why I don’t do the typical male things (I don’t know which ones, you pick one!) either.  I’m just wired differently.  I see a lot of things from the female prospective.  Hell, I even love in dating-esque relationships like a woman, so I think that has a lot to do with the fact that I seem to always either get cheated on, or otherwise mistreated in my relationships.  I’ve been told by female friends that they want men to act like men.  Obviously I get confused at that, because what is a man supposed to act like?  Chauvinistic?  Because if that’s it, then to hell with that!  I just don’t understand.  I’m not innocent in the dating life.  I know I make mistakes, but showing respect and treating everybody the way I would want to be treated is always rule number one with me.  I only actually stand up for myself and defend myself when I just get pushed too far.  There’s only so much abuse, disrespect, etc. that I can take before I break.

The thing that got me into this tangent was a co-worker of mine who talks to me about her dating adventures sometimes.  Homegirl was raised very traditionally Mexican and I’m sure has the mentality of men having to do all the work in the relationship (meaning, calling first, inviting out for dates, etc.  that type of thing).  She felt so embarrassed to ask a guy to see a movie with her.  Of course he didn’t respond to her, so she felt even worse and hated the feeling of rejection.  I found it so comical when she told me that she felt embarrassed and rejected because when I said “How do you think I felt all the times that happened?!  That’s why I stopped!” to her response of “but you’re a guy!”  Then I shook my head in shame because in her mind, apparently men have no sense of rejection, embarrassment, or shame.  To her, apparently, men go out to conquer women and get whatever it is that they are looking for then move on.  They are like animals, spreading their seed, unwilling to settle down with one woman.  It’s kinda sad that she has this warped world view.  Maybe it’s the horribly corrupt world we live in now, maybe it’s something else.  God knows what it may be, but I know I can’t be the only male out there who treats their date/girlfriend/wife with just common respect and dignity, right?  Needless to say, I told her that she’s got a lot to learn about the opposite sex, but that my proverbial door is always open if she needed to talk about anything.

So there it is, my friends.  Time to get at this thing we call life!

Talk again soon!

It’s the Last Monday in August!

Hi y’all!

Man, what a time I’ve been having as of late.  Yes, we’re 23 days removed from the mass shooting here in the city, and as far as I go, things seem to be back in order.  So much has been happening lately that I don’t even feel like it’s only been those 3 weeks since I was paralyzed with fear.

To catch you up with some things in my life, thanks to one of my best friends and bandmates moving back into town after 6 years gone, our band is back in full swing of things.  We have our first return gig in over 6 years booked at a bar I’ve been to a lot of times (that sounds bad, right?) and each practice we’ve had we’ve sounded better and better.  I’m really looking forward to September 6th and going back on stage to perform in front of a crowd.  There’s nothing like that feeling.

My personal life is still a fun little wreck.  I wish I could really express everything I’m feeling, but I don’t even know how to, honestly.  I just try to take that part of my life day by day and take the good with the bad and pray for more good than bad.

Speaking of good things, I don’t know what the heck came over me last week, but I had the inclination to clean and organize my dresser in my room and also to rearrange my drum storage area in my room too.  It’s odd when one wonders why the hell they keep the things that they do sometimes.  I had been holding on to some stuff that I should have thrown out a long time prior, but I just never did.  This is one of my weird quirks.  Considering that I get ridiculed for my meticulous cleaning, it’s odd that I let things like that slip sometimes.  I’m super clean, tidy, and organized, but even my organization just slips by the wayside sometimes.  It felt good to toss out the things that I needed to and to put all of my books onto one place and see everything neat and organized again.  I didn’t even stop there.  Since I moved into my place over 3 years ago, I had some of my mom’s things that my dad’s wife had originally wanted to throw away just put into plastic bags on the shelving in my bathroom.  I had everything else kinda clustered there on my shelves as well as I just didn’t put emphasis on organizing those things.  That was until I decided to after my dresser fun.  I ended up throwing a few things out that I was keeping too, organized my travel bag, and everything else, bought some plastic storage boxes and completely rearranged the shelves.  MAN!  What a difference that made!  Doing those two little projects just made me feel so relaxed and happy.  Hell, I’m forgetting about a forced cleaning that I had to do on my kitchen as well that happened last Thursday!  I was reminded that mixing ice and 375°F hot vegetable oil do not mix well.  About 1.5 liters of said oil overflowed from my deep fryer onto one of my kitchen counters where I keep a few cool beer and liquor bottles I’ve collected over the years along with my knife block, and also spilled down the side of some of my kitchen cabinets AND the floor, so I took about 3 hours out of my Thursday afternoon to deconstruct that area, clean everything up, and rearrange my bottles and knife block and ended up with even more space than I had before as well.  Even though that was a forced cleaning and rearranging, it brought me a lot of satisfaction to have that clean and organized.

So now that brings me to my everlasting battle with my fitness.  For as much jump starting as I seem to do all the time, I also do an equal amount of “yeah, how about no.” to that as well.  What the heck, right?!  Each week it seems to be that something else is hindering my goals to get back to the gym and lose the weight.  I’m hoping that maybe now with things getting back to normal yet again, this can be a possibility.  I’ll be honest, it’s getting tiring fighting this battle and I know I can’t give up, but dang it is a pain in the ass!  Slow and steady wins the race, though, right?  I just hope so!  Wish me luck on that front, my friends!

Here’s to hoping that this Monday brings forward renewed energy!

Talk again soon!

A Voice

Hello all!  I’ve been meaning to write about this for quite some time but have never gotten the chance to get around to it, well until now at least.  Here’s a question to ask.  Are you a listener?  I mean, we all listen to people one way or another, but do you really listen when people tell you things or do you just tune out to when somebody else talks to you?  In most of my experiences, I’ve found that most people don’t really hear what I have to say.  I’m largely ignored or when I am heard my thoughts and opinions are dismissed as being any form of negative.  It gets annoying, so over time, I’ve learned to just keep most thoughts to myself, well that is until I discovered WordPress.  I think this is the only place that I find myself to be free to express myself any way I’d like and not be judged on it.  This is why I keep writing here.  I don’t know the majority of you followers personally, but those of us who mutually follow each other share the same ideas of freedom of expression to get those things that just gnaw at us out and away from us purging whatever emotion that may be.  I don’t know where I’d be without this outlet, if you want me to be honest.  I have a hard enough time as it is out in the real world keeping it together mentally, and when things get too bottled up, I come here to release them.

That brings me to the story I’ve wanted to tell.  I have an acquaintance who seems to be even more introverted and secluded than I am.  That’s saying a lot, actually.  Dude makes me look like a social butterfly, actually.  Anyway, to put things shortly, he just doesn’t fit it.  He’s quiet, doesn’t like to be part of any groups, and he just makes it an open effort to not be included in anything.  The strange part is that I love to talk to him.  I understand him.  I know what he’s going through feeling like the outcast, and maybe that’s the big thing that draws me to him.  I know other people I know talk to him and what not, but I don’t think people listen to him.  He’s generally misunderstood by everybody, but I know where he’s coming from and I make it a point to listen to him and let him freely express his thoughts.  I interject with them because well, it’s the right thing to do, but also because I generally agree with his ideas and if I don’t, I want to hear the reasoning of his thoughts.  I don’t know if he knows this or not, but I look forward to every conversation we have because not only does he excite the thinking part of my brain, but I feel like I help him out by just simply listening to him when it seems like nobody else will.

I seem to have that talent, actually.  I attract the misfits and outcasts.  Hell, I count myself as part of them, so why would I turn my back away from a fellow weirdo?  We all need a voice that deserves to be heard without judgement or criticism.  My buddy has me, and I have y’all.  Thank you for listening to me, even if you never actually comment on this thing.

Too Lame for my Own Good

It’s it strange how life tends to come about in circles most of the time, right?  I’ve noticed that when it comes to my life, sometimes I tend to see what the other side of the fence when forced to so that I can see what it’s like and I find out that I really don’t like it.  I came to this conclusion over the weekend while I was continuing to nurse my messed up right foot.  God only knows what happened this past Tuesday, but I’m figuring that I either gave myself a high ankle sprain or sprained my Achilles tendon.  In either case, I was dying to just get the chance to rest my foot and try and recover because walking had been quite the challenge the last half of last week.  Anyway, with all that time to sit and think about things, I’ve noticed that I’m just not comfortable trying to live out a life that isn’t suited to me.  I know it sounds like I’ve done crazy things over the past 4 months, but it’s really not that much, but still enough to throw me off balance.

When it comes down to it, I’m really an early to bed, early to rise, keep to myself kinda dude.  That really explains it.  I don’t usually stay up late any night of the week, and I generally wake up early every morning, even on the one day a week I get to sleep in, which is Saturday.  I am also very much a homebody and I generally hate going somewhere just for the sake of having cabin fever.  I don’t like to talk to strangers, and I try to keep to myself as much as I can when I do leave my house.  I guess I’m painting myself to be some sort of a jerk or something, but I’m really not.  I just don’t want to bother people nor do I want to be bothered.  I like doing my own thing and being left alone.  With that said, after getting home Friday night with two new movies and dinner in tow, I was setting myself up for an exciting night alone left to my own devices.  I got through one movie before the drowsiness took over and I passed out early sometime before 10.  Now, this was a Friday night, mind you, and I live alone.  You’d think I’d go nuts and stay up late or something.  No, that wasn’t the case at all.  I was doing exactly what I wanted to be doing… well except for icing my damn foot and praying for the pain to go away.  Saturday brought some similar actions.  I woke up feeling better, pain wise, so I actually did venture out to get some groceries and sundries that I needed, but otherwise stayed home and watched sports.  Yesterday brought things to a head for me, though.  In a text conversation, I was pretty much blasted for deciding to clean my house instead of watching the season 8 premiere of Game of Thrones.  Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE that show, but I wasn’t going to do a half assed job at cleaning or leave it to be finished today when I could have done the job the right time the first time last night and forego watching the show during the premiere hour.  I was ok with it.  I wasn’t going to be spoiled if I didn’t watch it at the same time everybody else did and that was ok with me but not the people I was talking to.  Not only did they insult me for cleaning, but they also insulted me for taking so much time to clean and deciding to clean when this damn show was going to be on too.  I apologized for cleaning (even though I shouldn’t have) and got to the show 2 hours late, but I watched it, and all the while I thought to myself, “This just goes to show, man.  You’re just different.  And it’s not different for different’s sake, that’s just the way you are and now you’re being made to feel like an asshole because you have your own priorities and they aren’t bad ones either.  That’s not cool.”

That’s not the only thing that I was given grief for yesterday either.  The other thing was for going to sleep early every night.  I love my sleep.  I may get bad sleep because I’m still waiting for my damn APAP machine, but I also just love to sleep.  It’s not like I’m having wild inappropriate dreams or anything, but I just enjoy sleeping.  It’s hard to explain.  But I’m also on a biological clock that puts me to bed around 8:15pm and awake at 4:15am daily.  Some people think it’s crazy, but that’s just the way it works out and of course they think I’m crazy for going to sleep so early.  Again, I have to apologize for just living my life, but I’m still made to feel like some sort of an asshole because I’m just being a quiet, responsible, out of the way adult.  I don’t get it.  Why are we supposed to purposely short ourselves of the rest we need and go to places to do stuff that could potentially lead to trouble?  Why is staying home, maintaining a clean house, and getting 8 hours of sleep every night such a bad thing?  I shouldn’t feel bad for doing the responsible thing, yet here I am feeling bad.  I don’t know, maybe I need to distance myself from immature people and just keep to myself again.  Things work out better that way in the long run, I find.  I’m not sure what the answer is, but I do know that I need to push for my own happiness again.  I can’t be feeling stupid for being me anymore.