Tag Archives: Relationships

Strikes and Gutters

Hi y’all!  Here I am again barely getting a chance to write some random thoughts about the things that have been going on in my life.  Holy smokes, what a crazy time it’s been for me lately too.  It seems like nearly half a lifetime since I’ve gotten the chance to jot down my thoughts, so I apologize for the randomness of this blog.  Actually, this blog has always been random, so I suppose I should apologize for the randomness of it all.  Ha!  Anyway, I don’t even know where I left off last sometime last month, so I’ll just pick up my life story from sometime this month.

The biggest thing I can say that’s been going on is my ongoing struggle with these mood swings of mine.  I know the cause of them by the way, but damn it sucks to have them!  I’m happy and content some days, ready to break down and cry the next.  It’s amazing what the influence of other people’s energy can do to your soul.  My soul happens to take the energy of people around me and convert it to my own and sometimes in the very negative.

Lately, it’s been due to a woman who I am (I should say was to be honest) romantically involved with.  For some insane and completely stupid reason, I keep trying to have this thing survive even though it’s on life support and brain dead.  Stupidly, I keep holding out hope for a miracle and that she’ll come to her senses and at least reciprocate my actions towards her, but so far nothing.  Honestly, I’m positive that she’s moved on from me and when I confronted her on it, she of course turned it around on me and made me the bad person, but I had the proof I needed in her words and from what I saw on social media.  It felt like I got punched by a life-sized boxing glove, but with the slightly positive things in my life that have been going on, I deflected it and only let it completely destroy me for a short time.  Spoiler alert, she again refused to let me go on with my life and I’m still stuck.  UGH.  I should just shut up about it until something more concrete happens, but just know that it’s the worst thing that has happened to me in probably 9-10 years, since the other bane of my romantic existence “Lady Voldemort” was in my life.

Now, in more happy news, things in my non-romantic personal life are pretty damn gangbusters.  My band, Searchlight Needles (look us up!), is gigging semi-regularly and we’re having fun AND getting paid doing it!  We actually have another show this Saturday night that I’m pretty excited about.  Now if only we could actually slow down just a bit in order to write some new music, we’d be going somewhere!  In time, I suppose!  Also, in a related topic, I came to a realization this past Saturday night.  One of our band friends were having a show at a bar close to where I was at that night and this band loves to bring up their fellow musician friends to play a few songs with them.  4/5ths of my band was there, so 3 of us went up there and played a song with the booked band’s guitarist and when people wanted another song, said guitarist pulled a rabbit out of his hat and was able to play this second song with us.  It was such a good feeling to play music with somebody new and still have it sound great!  The best part was when I thought we were done; I was asked to stay on the drums and play with another guest guitarist/vocalist and the booked band’s bassist.  We played 3 songs.  Two Johnny Cash classics and Pink Floyd’s “Comfortably Numb”.  I wasn’t sure what to expect as I had never even met this dude who was going to sing and play guitar, but this guy blew me away.  He was so talented.  The Johnny Cash tunes were great, and he played some awesome solos, but man, when we got to “Comfortably Numb”, he took things to another level.  I locked in with the bass player, dude sang his heart out, and played a 4+ minute solo and I was just in heaven.  I hadn’t felt so alive playing drums (even though they weren’t my drums) in such the longest time.  All I have to do is think about it and go back to that time and holy SMOKES!  It’s hard to describe the feeling.  It’s like excitement mixed in love, joy, a sprinkle of anxiety, and ecstasy all together.  The bar was packed and the majority of them were engaged and enjoying the performance and that just made all those feelings come rushing up to the surface.  It was then that I realized that playing music is what I should be doing with my life.  It’s my purpose.  It’s what God put me here on earth to do.  Nothing, aside from going to confession and Mass, makes me happier.  No offense to family and friends, but that’s the truth.  Playing music with people who are at least as talented as I am makes me the happiest.  I need more of that feeling in my life, so I hope to push the guys in my band to play more music.

Speaking of things that make me happy, camping season is coming right around the corner.  The season here in the southwest, or at least in the west Texas / southern New Mexico area is from April to October.  We (the band) didn’t really give ourselves the chance to head out last year and even though I could have gone by myself as I have before, it didn’t happen last year and now I’m dying to head out.  I stepped my game up with this year’s income tax return and bought a new tent, new air mattress (since my older one has some sort of small leak from where I assume is in the seams), and a brand-new camping chair.  I had my eye on the tent I bought for years.  There is nothing wrong with the tent I still have now, mind you, but this one that I got now is slightly larger and incorporates “dark room technology”.  That means that it’s dark in that tent all the time and is also supposedly cooler during the day too.  The only downside is that I’ve read from more than one review that the thing leaks in rainstorms.  Not good.  No bother though, I went out and purchased some seam sealer and I’m going to hope for the best.  Besides, the only things I keep in my tent when I camp are my air mattress, sometimes an extra blanket, whatever it is that I’m carrying my clothes in, my portable air pump in case I might need to reinflate said mattress, and hanging from the top, my fan/light combo.  It’s not like rain will completely flood the tent (in theory), so I’ll just put everything in a spot to keep it all dry if the seams leak and the sealer doesn’t do its job either.  I’m already happy with my purchase.  If I remember correctly, my old tent is 8×8 and the new one is 10×10, so I’m sure I’ll notice those extra two feet of comfort and darkness now, and that’s what matters the most to me.  As far as the new chair goes, I realized during my last camping trip that my chair started to hurt me with it’s support points on my thighs, so sitting for long periods of time wasn’t going to work out with the current chair I have.  It’s good for short bursts, but if I’m going to have a bit of a lounge act like we tend to do while camping, I’d have to invest in another chair.  Sure enough, I decided to buy a zero-gravity reclining lounger chair that has no points that can hurt any part of my legs (in theory).  I’ve had my eye on these new style chairs for a while now too but just never had the guts to just buy one until now too!  I figured the heck with it!  It felt awesome when I sat in one before, our next camping trip is coming up in 2 short months, why roll the dice and hope to not hurt sitting down and relaxing when I can just recline and relax instead?  So, heck yeah!  That’s what I plan to do.  Now, I just gotta get over to my dad’s house some weekend soon to pitch the new tent, seal the seams and pull out my camping gear to run an inventory and test the worthiness of it all so that I can be ready for when we head out.  I really hope that this is not the only trip we make this year.  Even if it’s the only one the band makes together, I’m planning on going out at least a few more times, even if it’s by myself.  I’m excited!

Well, there it is my friends.  A quick look into what’s going on with me right now.  A big time low being combated by two big time highs.  And that’s what really matters too.  We gotta find the highs to suppress the lows.  Take care of yourselves!  May God grant me the strength to assemble my brain’s thoughts into more words to share with you all!  I’ve been bad with that lately.

…And I Know What I’m Looking For

Happy Monday to you all.  Well, we’ve made it into 2020 for real now.  Everybody is probably back to work and getting back to their routine by now.  Y’all who were off the past two weeks are lucky!!!  Man, it feels like it’s been longer than 2 weeks since Christmas day.  In any event, welcome to 2020.

The main topic of this post is about love and relationships.  Just thought I’d put that right out on front street.  I think it’s safe to say that I’ve yet again given up on the matter.  I know, I’ve said it before and before you know it, I’m wrapped up in some delusion of some relationship, but I think that God has opened up my eyes to really see what’s going on and I’m sad and at peace with it all at the same time.  Let me explain.  I mean, I guess technically I’m still involved in a relationship as nothing has been made official, but considering that I haven’t seen this significant other since April of this past year and hardly talk to her now, it’s safe to say that no words need to be said.  Actions speak louder in this case.  Honest truth is that I’m not even sad about it.  The more I’ve grown, the more I realize what it is that I really want out of a relationship.  What I want is a woman who loves God as much as I do.  Not more or less, really, just as much as I do.  I came to this realization last night talking to a friend of mine who is in search of a companion, just not how I am.  I’ll put it that way.  The conversation made me think about my own situation.  I mean, in my younger (and more stupid) days, that was always a sort of fantasy of mine.  All the people in my work and personal life circles were just out there committing immoral acts and “enjoying life”, you know?  And there I was, just sitting on the sidelines.  Honestly, I don’t know why I wanted just even a taste of that life.  Maybe because I wanted to see how it felt.  Well, thankfully, I never really got it.  I’ve been in meaningful relationships, but they all seemed to just break apart.

The more I gave it thought last night, the more I realized it was because I’m just simply too boring for this world.  Now, wait a minute.  By no means am I saying that to seek pity or anything.  Let me clarify.  I don’t like to go to bars and spend lots of money just to drink and get drunk and act stupidly.  I surely don’t ever want to go to a club or live that club lifestyle either.  I also tend to use my weekends to just stay home and rest or do my housework as most of my weekdays are occupied with work.  I know I’m not making the case for sounding like a catch, but hear me out a second.  Do you know what my focus is on, now more so than ever?  God.  My relationship with our Lord is the most important thing in my life.  I’m sure not to do anything that will keep me out late at night on Saturday because I need to wake up at 6:20am on Sunday morning to go to Traditional Latin Low Mass at my local FSSP parish.  My love of God and His church has even curtailed my enjoyment of consuming alcohol.  For the past few months, I’ve just been really over it.  I’m not completely sober or anything, but I really just don’t have any desire to drink.  I had too much one last time on December 6th of this past year for my birthday at a gig we played with a fellow band we’re friends with, but even then I didn’t want to, but damn peer pressure and gifted birthday shots did me in.

So, that’s kind of the basics of it all.  I’d really rather spend my Friday nights cleaning house, Saturday mornings doing laundry, and Saturday afternoon and evening relaxing to prepare for me to worship our Lord at the holy sacrifice of the Mass on Sunday mornings.  I want to learn more about the things I find interest in (like history and the historical events of significance over the past 150 years specifically).  I want to get better at bowling as I go every Monday afternoon now.  I want to get back into golf this spring as well!  I want to better myself, continue to learn about my faith, lose weight, and be relatively sober while doing it.

I don’t know if I can really live a super strict conservative life, and that’s why I say that I want a woman who loves God as much as I do.  Not more or less.  Definitely not less, actually.  I want to be able to look forward to going to Low Mass with a partner who will respect God and herself to dress modestly and will not try to find reasons to not go to Mass.  I’d really prefer to have a partner who is a follower of the Traditional Latin Rite as well.  I know my aim is specific, but I just can’t compromise and then get my heart broken and wonder what it is that I did wrong any longer.  I feel like I need to admit it to the world and more importantly myself.  I’m an INFJ introvert, traditional Catholic, mostly conservative, musically inclined man who seeks a woman with similar attributes and likes.  I know I’m aiming at a target that is the size of a pinhead from miles away, but I just can’t compromise anymore.  If I can’t find that perfect match, then let God’s will be done and I live a celibate holy life for the rest of my days.  But I’d be lying to you if I said that I yearn for a family.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you all!

BFFs

Hi y’all!  We’ve made it to another week.  God only knows how I made it to this week.  I feel like I overextended myself this weekend, but at the same time felt like I needed to reach out to the friends who first reached out to me.  I’ll explain.  Oddly, on Friday, the wave of depression just hit me hard and all I wanted to do was to pick up the film I rented from Redbox, go home, watch said movie, and hibernate.  Well, that didn’t work out as I planned because a good friend of mine sent me a text asking if I would like to go over to hang out.  This is the guy that I usually say yes to going to his house 1 out of every 5 or so invites.  I was sleepy and exhausted (both mentally and physically), but decided to power through and go anyway.  I ended up staying there pretty late, but had an enjoyable time.  That stunt, however, threw off my Saturday because my plan was to tidy up just a bit, do laundry, and relax.  Well, I ended up watching the film I rented first thing, didn’t feel too hungry so I just ended up drinking two cups of coffee, and I ended up relaxing for the rest of the morning to early afternoon until band practice.  That’s another thing that I wasn’t looking forward to, actually, because I still haven’t gotten my rest yet.  Of course, I went to practice anyway, and we ended up staying late after practice just hanging out and talking which caused me to miss Mass yesterday morning as I thought sleeping would help me out to not be totally out of energy for my bi-weekly visit to my dad’s.  I feel bad about that, but this weekend was just too weird for me.

Things took a different turn yesterday morning as well, as my best friend who lives in the greater Salt Lake City area sent me a message telling me that he was 78 miles away and arriving back in El Paso shortly.  This didn’t come as a huge surprise as he had called me last week to tell me that his grandfather was in hospice care and wasn’t expected to last more than 2 weeks.  He asked if he could see me later on in the day, and of course I said yes as I was excited to see him.  After a few hours at my dad’s house, my friend messaged me to see if I was ready to hang out, so I told my dad that I needed to go, and raced home.  My friend was about 10 minutes behind me, but we had such a great conversation.  That’s really what triggered me to write this post.  See, my dude here has been gone from the area for 20 years.  We became acquainted during our sophomore year of high school and really became good friends by our senior year.  His dad got a job with a company that wanted to relocate him to Salt Lake City, so he ended up moving at the end of 1998 and left his wife and 3 kids back in El Paso for the next half year to allow his oldest (my best friend) to finish high school and graduate with his friends, and then the whole family would move up to meet him there.  I got to spend the summer with my friend before he moved out and we stayed in touch via telephone (this was pre-social media) pretty regularly after that.  He came down a few times the next few years and I went up to see him after I graduated college in 2004 and had a blast seeing the Salt Lake valley and some of the new friends he made.  Anyway, I say all this to say that even though our bond was pretty strong, him being up in Salt Lake City, a 14+ hour drive from here, made our friendship a lot stronger.  Out of all my friends, I can say that I feel the closest to him.  We have similar family backgrounds, and have similar interests.  It’s as if we are truly brothers from other mothers.  Our visit last night was no different.  It was kinda funny because one of the things my boy mentioned twice was how crazy it felt that even though I hadn’t seen him since last April, being there with me felt like no time had passed at all.  I have to say that I felt the same way.

Another part of the conversation we had actually made me tear up.  I forgot what we were actually even talking about, but I expressed the fact that he was family to me and I would do anything for him and I loved him deeply.  Just having him around filled my heart with joy, even though the reason that he was here was for a bad one.  Without hesitation, I lent him my air mattress so that he wouldn’t be sleeping on his brother’s couch, and we got to talking about family.  He’s a relatively new dad, so he’s seeing the other side of things when it comes to just pure love for somebody else.  It was a great heart to heart, and we ended the night in a hug with the knowledge that even though we have hundreds of miles and countless hours of distance between us, we’re going to be friends for life.  The viewing and rosary for his grandfather is going to be tomorrow and he’s going to fly back out by himself on Thursday, so there might not be a chance to see him again on this quick trip, but I was glad that I was able to spend at least those couple of hours with him last night.  It’s always good to have heart to heart’s with those who you care about.  I can’t wait to be able to drive up there at some point hopefully in the near future to finally get the chance to meet his kid and tell him that I’m the crazy “uncle” his daddy talks about sometimes.

Until next time!

Happy for the Holidays

Hi y’all!  Can you believe it?  We’re two weeks away from Thanksgiving here in the U.S. and the full swing of the holidays is upon us.  It’s been a very quick last half of the year by all accounts.  It feels like it was just yesterday that it was the beginning of July and now we’re halfway through November.  Where does the time go?  I mean, I’m a believer that time starts to fly by faster the older we get, but holy smokes, this is the fastest time has passed by in my memory.  I can’t complain about it though, I love the holiday season.  I enjoy watching the holiday commercials on TV (yeah, I actually watch over the air TV sometimes.  Well, it’s mainly NFL Network and whatever networks the sports I love are on, but still!), and my favorite morning of the year, Thanksgiving, brings about the excitement of said day coming at us very quickly.  I actually have the majority of the day already planned out yearly.  I get up at around 6:45am, fire up the TV, and tune it to the local NBC affiliate as the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade begins at 7am.  I either enjoy a cup of eggnog or coffee while watching the parade, and about midway through it I set up my Christmas tree too!  I purposely bought a Peanuts Charlie Brown Christmas Tree that I made extra snazzy with a small set of white string lights that I have wrapped around the branch.  It looks cool!  Once Santa Claus brings up the rear of the parade and the hosts of the show wish us all a happy holiday season, I tune to the football games on and get the kitchen cleaned up and prepped for the traditional thanksgiving meal.  By that time my favorite NFL team, The Dallas Cowboys, game is on, so I make sure to watch all of that.  About halftime or so is when I set the oven to start up so that by about 3-5pm, the turkey and ham are warmed up and ready to go.  Then it’s dinner, more eggnog, and Christmas music.  I love it so much.  It breaks my heart that I see a lot of my friends hate on the holiday season so much and Christmas music even more.  I know at least some of these friends of mine are atheists and I’ve almost been tempted to tell them to stop giving their kids gifts on December 25th because if they don’t believe in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, what’s the point of taking part in one of the acts of celebrating His birthday?  Then again, I’m super non-confrontational, so I just let bygones be bygones.  I think I will start posting Christmas songs on Facebook, though!  Somebody has to keep the Christmas spirit going, right?!  Oh man, speaking of Christmas!!!  I think I’m going to really try to watch as many Christmas movies as I can this year.  There are so many to choose from on Netflix and now Disney+!  That doesn’t even include my annual Christmas Day personal film festival that I throw myself.  In no particular order, I watch the following films annually on Christmas Day:  Batman Returns, Friday After Next, Gremlins (sometimes), A Christmas Story, Polar Express, and Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer (the original Rankin & Bass production) while wearing comfy attire and drinking eggnog and coffee.  I don’t really know why, but I really feel to be in the holiday spirit this year.  I’m not going to complain, though.  It feels good to feel good, if that makes any sense.  I must take advantage of the good feelings while I got them, right?

Well, if you celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Year’s Eve/Day (which I haven’t even talked about either!), I hope and pray that the holiday spirit has hit you too!  What are some of your traditions for the holiday season?

Talk again soon!

Sadness, Loneliness, Depression, Exhaustion, Burn Out, and Malaise: My Life’s Journey.

Happy November, y’all.  We made it to the end of the year.  Whoa.  Wait a minute.  2019 is almost over?!  I never did get quite used to knowing that we were living in this year.  If that makes any sense the way I put it, I suppose.  I guess it the year still feels like it’s too far in the future when I actually think or say the year to myself.  What can I say, I’m one of those people who think of the 1980’s when people say “remember 10, 15, 20 years ago when…”  Yep, that.  I think “yeah!  Hell yeah I remember 1987!”  To think, 1987 wasn’t 10 to 20 years ago.  Nope.  1987 was 32 years ago.  Whoops!  Hahaha!  So, yeah, 2019 is like flying cars future to my brain, not the present.  Now I’m going to have to get used to 2020 in less than 2 months!  I’m sure my brain is going to explode come January.

Anyway, I’ve been having a rough go at it lately.  I’ve been having a lot of times of sadness, loneliness, depression, exhaustion, burn out, and malaise.  I can’t really pinpoint the source, though, and that is making things a little bit frustrating.  All that is causing me to have a general bitter and angry baseline when it comes to emotional status and I don’t think a lot of my friends out here in the non-digital world are liking it too much.  Can’t say I blame them, though.  Seeing me not be a cheerful, joking dude must be a bit of an adjustment.  If I allow myself to think of it, I think I can put a finger on the cause of my problems.  In no order, I think I just have been overextending myself lately and not giving myself enough time to just rest.  It’s been a band practice here, visiting a friend’ house there, play some stupid gig for an hour (not even a full set) on two different occasions here (no, not worth it for me), family obligations there, all the while try and fit in me time into there somewhere.  I knew it would come to this too.  I would tell myself, “Dude, you’re gonna hit the burn out wall and you’re not going to like it.  It’s coming, dude.”  Sure enough I was cruising along at the speed of sound when out of nowhere came the unmovable wall and I hit it straight on.  All of this is compounded with my financial situation of living check to check, and my love life which is in the landfill section of life, so yeah… all of those negative feelings (and probably others that I can’t quite put a name to but they are there) just came out in large flooding event and I’ve been fighting the waves since then.

In a small moment of happiness, however, I befriended the strayed/probably abandoned cat that had been hanging around my apartment building since about May of this year.  She was God’s small gift to me…  Another living object to show compassion and love to without reservations or questions.  Spoilers, she’s been gone since last Wednesday morning which leads me to believe that somebody took her or the maintenance peeps at the complex called animal control and they picked her up.  In any event, the 3 weeks that we became friends helped me out during some of my dark times.  Her and I got into a routine where I’d let her into the flat in the mornings, she’d have a bit to eat, and she would spend some time with be before meowing to be let back out, then she’d go along the rest of the day while I was at work and she would show back around in the late afternoon/evening where she’d have another snack and we’d hang out some more.  I would like to think I was giving her comfort and compassion and even if she didn’t intend to, she did the same to me.  In the days since she’s been gone, I’ve joked to myself that she’s been a typical woman in my life.  Shows up, everything is cool, but the minute I show love and provide a meal, she bails.  L O L!!!!!!!!  It’s sad but true.

Anyway, this damn black cloud of mine has started to affect my energy levels to the point that I am sure that I scared my grandma and my dad.  Last week, during my weekly Tuesday visit with my grandparents, I told my grandma that I have been just tired every single day lately and no matter how much I sleep I still hit a wall of exhaustion.  My CPAP machine of doom should have fixed that up, but so far it’s had no effect at all when it comes to feeling refreshed.  The thing that came to her mind was the possibility of me having Lupus.  My mom passed away of the disease 11 years ago and it runs in her family, so naturally I could also be stricken with said disease.  I told her that I had gotten tested for it a few years back and came back negative but it was enough of a worry for her to tell my old man about it.  Yesterday was his bi-weekly visit, so one of the first things he asked me was about my health.  He suggested me eating something during the day to keep my energy level up since he knows I don’t eat lunch, and also possibly just resting more and taking a Tuesday off from seeing my grandparents to allow me to rest, but then I told him I couldn’t ever take a Tuesday off from the grandparents because the minute they are gone I know I’m going to have that regret of “hey lazy ass, remember when you chose to stay home instead of seeing them?!  How rested are you now, you jerk?!  You can’t see or talk to your grandparents anymore, so you can have all the time you want!”  I don’t want to live with that on my conscience, so I’m going to spend every chance I can give myself with them to live without that regret.  To hell with being tired.  I’ll deal with it later.  I don’t know when, but later.

Personally, I think I just need like 3-4 days straight of just staying home to recharge with no responsibilities to have to tend to.  Wake up, clean the parts of the CPAP machine that I need to on a daily basis, fire up the TV to watch Good Morning Football if I wake up early enough to watch it, if not some sort of streaming app, make myself an awesome breakfast when the hunger hits, clean the kitchen after said meal, then just relax.  Listen to music if the mood strikes.  Lay in bed, watch movies or shows.  Don’t even open the front door or open the blinds in the living room.  Just be me, alone, for 72-96 hours, and pray that it fixes the thing that’s broken inside of me.  Sadly, I don’t think I can pull this feat off anytime soon, but I can sure as hell try to squeeze in a day or two this long weekend that’s coming up.

And hey!  My favorite time of the year is here.  Thanksgiving is 24 days away; Christmas is next month, as is New Year’s Eve!  Happy times are ahead, God willing.

Keep on keeping on, my friends.