Forever a Clone

I'm just a clone, talking away while nobody listens

Archive for the tag “Peace”

Thursday Thoughts

Man, it’s been a weird week!  It started off with Saturday’s Rick and Morty’s inspired road trip to Silver City, New Mexico for Szechuan sauce that ended in a big joke not just to us, but to apparently a LOT of other nerds, then it’s gone on to periods of complete rest and relaxation and now back to “holy smokes!  Let me catch a breather!” status.  It’s nothing new for me as I’m always finding myself being pulled away from wanting to barricade myself in my apartment and paying for it emotionally later on at the most inconvenient of times.

As some of you know, I tend to go through periods of time where some people wonder if I’m still alive (those that don’t follow me on social media), and I go through brief periods of time where I feel like I need to connect with the rest of humanity.  It’s rare, but it happens.  I think I’m sort of going through the latter phase right now as I have felt the need to be surrounded by my friends a bit more than usual lately.  I wish I could understand it, but I can’t.  Being around my friends has been something that I have been feeling I’ve needed lately.  Thankfully I was able to hang out with some of my closest on Saturday and Monday.  There are not very many feelings in the world that I enjoy more than having the emotional sections of my heart overwhelmed with positive loving feels like I get when I’m around the people I want to be around.  It’s better than any drug or alcoholic beverage out there, I can tell you that.

Funny though, me being an INFJ makes people think that I am some sort of social butterfly who basically has a place just so that I can sleep and keep all my stuff in.  That couldn’t be further from the truth, in all honesty.  Nothing makes me happier than being at home watching nerdy documentaries, Star Trek (I’m still on TOS as I’m watching everything again but chronologically this time), or sports all while watching whatever is going with the weather outside.  I’ve learned in the past year and a half that I really love sunsets, by the way.  Something about watching them brings me such peace and happiness that I can’t really describe it.  It’s really what I look forward to every day.  I know, I’m weird, but you already knew that.

A strange thing happened to me again yesterday that hasn’t happened in a while though.  I think that I got a slight touch of loneliness.  I KNOW!!!!  Crazy, right?!  Here I am, some sort of self-proclaimed “One Man Wolfpack”, some dude who rolls solo deep, actually feeling alone in the bad sense.  It’s strange when it comes along too.  It always shows up when I’m doing the most mundane of tasks.  Yesterday it happened while I was pre-rinsing the dishes I used for dinner.  I just happened to stare at the wall as I stood in front of my sink and realized the silence aside from the faucet running and it tripped me out.  What made it funny, though, was that shortly after that as I was taking a shower I was convinced that somebody was in my damn apartment with me.  I wish my brain would make up its damn mind.  Hahaha!  “Nobody is here!  Oh shit!  Nevermind!  Somebody is here, man!  FREAK OUT!”  I don’t know.  I wish I knew the answers to the questions of my life.  I just gotta keep on keeping on.

On that note, time to get myself hyped up for the gym after work again today!  I’m glad this is becoming a habit again.  I missed that about myself!

Until next time, my friends!

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I <3 Las Vegas

This morning my world got a pretty big jolt of bad energy flow through it.  Las Vegas, what I love to call my home away from home, was the scene of what is now the worst mass shooting in the history of the United States of America last night.  I couldn’t believe what I was reading on my phone at 4:25am when I woke up and to be honest, I’m still in shock right now.  How could this happen?  I mean, I know how this could have happened, but I guess the better question is why?  The question that is swimming in my proverbial magic 8-ball of jumbled thoughts is something to the effect of “How could anybody have any sort of hatred in their heart for a fellow human being to take their lives?  At least 50 innocent lives taken and over 400 innocent people injured because of a grudge over something that at this time in the morning we just don’t know yet.”  It’s so stupid.  Hatred is just dumb.  Negativity is just dumb.  Sure I have dislikes for things that go against products and sports teams that are rivals to said things, but never in my life have I ever thought of violence against these things or the people who support them.  Hell, even counter ideologies to my beliefs, yes I get frustrated with close minded people, bigots, racists, and all others who at least try to push their conformist agenda towards, but never have I EVER thought of inflicting violence towards anybody else for simply not believing that they should live their lives according to MY rules.  I do know, however, that there are a lot of these types of people who are now and have been for a while now who have been coming out of their hiding places and spreading their ideology of hatred under the veil of racism, homophobia, and general bigotry and are being empowered to act on their hatred and to be honest, it’s scary.  It’s scary to think that something like what happened in my beloved city of Las Vegas can happen anywhere.

What can we do about it?  Ban guns?  Sure, we can.  Will that stop the negativity?  No.  People will find other ways to turn their hatred into violence and we’ll still have massive loss of life.  What we need to do first is embrace love.  Love is the thing that defeats hate.  People need to learn to love and accept their neighbor.  People are different.  They are going to have different beliefs than you do.  People are going to pray to different deities than you do.  People are going to like different music than you do.  People are going to have a different skin tone than you do.  Hell, they may even be sexually attracted to people of their same gender while you do not!  And you know what?  ALL OF THAT IS OK!  Love and acceptance.  That’s what we need.

Mama, I’m Staying Home

So, I was thinking the other day about just how much I love my hometown, which is also the current city I live in.  A LOT of people that grow up here hate it and as soon as humanly possible leave and never come back.  More power to ‘em, and call me a homer or whatever, but I absolutely love it here and I will proudly say that I don’t think that you can give me a good enough reason to ever leave.

I realize my love for the city every time I leave it when I go on a trip.  Most of the time I’m going west towards Phoenix and Las Vegas so the landscape and climate stay relatively the same.  There have been a handful of times, however, where I go outside of the desert and it trips me out.  Haha!  Not like I’m some kind of uneducated dude or whatever, but I just love the desert climate so much that I actually immediately begin to miss it the minute I’m away from it.  That happened just a few weeks ago, as I’ve mentioned, but the thing I didn’t mention about the trip to east-central Texas was about just how much I loved the drive back and not only because we were cracking wise and laughing hysterically in my truck to the obscene and insane jokes that we were coming up with.  I loved it because after going from flat green land, we were slowly going back into the mountainous terrain that has speckles of green, but not as much green as lower elevation and higher humidity places.  It sounds funny to say, but even seeing the outline of the Franklin Mountains is enough to put a smile on my face.  It’s even better when it’s nighttime and the star on the mountain is illuminated.  It reminds me that I’m home and all is right in the world.

What really sparked this blog entry, however, were the thoughts of friends and family about this place.  Funny and odd thing is that of all people, I think my old man hates El Paso almost the most.  I don’t understand it, but a few weeks ago when we attended a game of our AAA baseball team, the El Paso Chihuahuas, I told him that I wanted to step my game up and buy a jersey but couldn’t decide on which one, and I wanted to add to my hat collection (which currently stands at 1 for the Chihuahuas) and get the away cap that simply has a beautiful “EP” logo on it.  Right away, pops tells me “Ah man, I don’t want that one.  I don’t want anything saying anything ‘El Paso’ on it!  I hate El Paso! …”  I shrugged it off and said that I personally love my city and I was going to get that cap.  Thinking about it now and talking to a friend of mine, I’m now wondering why he didn’t stay at his last duty station in San Diego when he was in the military and did not reenlist.  Maybe I’ll ask him when he comes back into town from his crazy adventures and I get the chance to see him.

Thing about it is that he’s not alone in the circle of people in my life who feel similar.  I’d probably say at least half the people I know who live here would move away if they had the chance.  I wish I knew why.  It’s not as bad as they think it is… well in my opinion it’s not.  Sure you can argue that wages aren’t that high here, but my two responses to that is that a) neither is the cost of living. and b) if money is your main concern, you’ve got bigger problems and need to get your priorities straight anyway, dude.

So that’s about it.  I know it’s going to end up that I’m going to be the last of my friends standing here in El Paso, but you know what?  That’s cool, man.  I enjoy traveling and I enjoy seeing and spending time with my friends, so it will give me a reason to go and explore places.  I already have a long list of places on this planet that I need to go hit up as it is!  Australia, England, Scotland, Japan, and Italy come to mind internationally, and US wise, oh man… the state of New Hampshire, Maine, New York City, Boston, Charlotte (and try to not die of happiness visiting the NASCAR Hall of Fame, Hendrick Motorsports, and JR Motorsports), Daytona Beach, Cleveland, Chicago, St. Louis, San Diego, Los Angeles, and San Francisco to just name a few places.  So I have a lot of places to be, but I will ALWAYS come back home to El Paso and my dry climate, chill people, THE ABSOLUTE BEST Mexican food you will ever eat, and that star on that mountain that will always remind me of just how badass I have it here.

See y’all later!

Every Day is a Party in May

Well, man!  What a last few weeks it’s been!  As I mentioned previously, I knew it was going to be a busy month to a month and a half leading up to the band’s live album recording which we have been rehearsing for, but it has really started to hit me now at just how much time I’ve booked myself out for without any time to slow down and take a breather.  Two weekends ago I was in east-central Texas for full band rehearsals where it was crazy hot and humid one day and nice the next, then after coming back home to far west Texas to where we have low humidity weather (THANK GOD!) for a week, I had made plans to make my way out to one of the many national forests in the area where we thankfully still have low humidity weather, but I was surrounded by pine trees, warm daytime, and near freezing nighttime temperatures.  It was awesome.  Even though I was busy from around April 28th to even today, I’m so glad I took the time this past weekend to escape to the forest for some solo deep reflection on life.

Here’s where I wanted to really expand on that thought.  It wasn’t my full intention on going camping alone.  I had actually invited one of the guys in the band that was going to be sans kids, but as I thought may happen, he wanted to use that weekend to recover from the road trip on the previous weekend.  Another friend of mine was briefly going to join me, but life circumstances changed and we mutually suggested that their participation in the camping trip be scrapped.  In a moment of honesty, as much as I would have LOVED for said friends to be with me, I was equally if not happier to be going out alone.  I couldn’t wait for the way I had things lined up in my head to go down and sure enough things pretty much went according to plan.  I was able to leave work about two hours early on Friday which gave me two extra hours to set up camp in the daylight and the 3 hour drive up to the Gila National Forest was very relaxing.  I made it to the campsite that I really wanted to go to, and in an even better situation, I was the first person there to the campsite so I was able to pick the site that I wanted.  I parked my truck and set camp and got right into dinner and relaxing.  You have no idea how badly I was waiting for that moment of total peace in the wilderness with no cell signal at all and nothing else but a few books I brought along with me, my iPod, and my thoughts to keep me company.  It was beautiful.  The sun started to set as I finished up dinner on Friday night and still nobody else showed up to the 2 available camp sites.  Once I realized that I was going to be alone, an even bigger calm came over me knowing that I’d have my thoughts to myself even though I wasn’t talking out loud to myself like some kinda crazy person, but you know what I mean.  Hahaha!  It was awesome to sit in my University of Texas (HOOK ‘EM HORNS, btw!) camping chair as I let my gaze melt into the campfire.  There was so much peace that just washed over me that it’s hard to try and put into words.  Considering that I had been only getting around 5 hours of sleep each day the previous week, I knew that I was going to get tired pretty early that night so I called it an early night to allow myself to relax.  I think I got the best sleep I’ve gotten in a few months that night.  Granted my truck woke me up once, as I was using it as an alert system for me if anybody or anything came close to camp, I slept until dawn.  When I woke up at dawn, I took the time to just relax and appreciate the fact that I was where I was desperately trying to get to for months.  That victory, albeit small, gave me the motivation to just stay in bed and I fell back to sleep for another 4 hours.  It was awesome!

Saturday was no different as far as the good feelings went.  I made myself breakfast and after cleaning up and washing dishes I got to reading one of the books I took with me.  It was awesome to read in the peace and quiet out in the forest.  With the exception of the occasional bird or insect sound, the whistling sound of the wind passing through the pine trees, and the very loud laughter of mine due to Artie Lange’s insane life stories, there was complete silence.  It was beautiful!  I knew there was going to be a chance of rain and I kept seeing potential rain clouds pass by, but I wanted to get in my hike into the wilderness in, so I put the book down, got my hiking pole, and backpack with bottles of water ready and set off on my little adventure.  I only made it an hour in before I decided to turn back because my instincts were telling me that rain was coming and sure enough within 10 minutes of me getting back to camp the rain started falling.  I’ll tell you, if you’ve never experienced it, there are fewer things more soothing than the sound of light rain hitting a camping tent that you’re sure will stay dry inside.  I laid back on my bed and kept on reading and laughing hysterically in such a state of happiness that, man, I’ll tell you… it’s been something that I have been needing for a long time.  It was awesome!  The rain lasted about 3 hours and ended before sunset, which was cool, because I was able to start grilling dinner in the daylight, start my campfire in the daylight, and not have to be that much of an annoyance with my lantern to the two other groups of campers who had shown up during my two hour hike.  I’m not going to lie, I felt pretty victorious that night as I stared away at my campfire to know that everything was right in my world right then and there.  There were no problems, no bad feelings, nothing to think about except just how much I love the simple things like what I was doing then in life.

I slept deeply and well that night in the nearly freezing temperatures and got up the next morning relaxed and proverbial batteries recharged back to full capacity as I packed up camp and made my 3 hour journey back home.

Well, the super chill and calm that has washed over the already calm and chill I always have anyway has now caused my cleaning and organizing of all my laundry, camping gear, and camping bed to be pushed to today, Tuesday, but you know what?  I kinda don’t care.  It feels good to know that things will get done eventually but it’s not a life or death thing, you know?  My solo deep camping trip also made me appreciate all that I have in my life.  I have a kick ass life; I’m not going to lie.  I have great friends, great family, and a great life altogether that I wouldn’t trade for anything.

Now, I just have to get through the rest of this week and get ready to visit my mom’s gravesite then make my way to my grandmother’s house for her delicious menudo on Mother’s Day Sunday, then get through next week before our 2nd to last rehearsal on that Saturday, then finally our live recording on May 27th the following weekend.  I’m ready for it now.  Bring on the good times!

Until next time!  I love you all!

A quick glance at my continuing journey of self-discovery

M.I.A.  That’s what I’ve been.  I suppose it’s with decent reasons though.  I’ve had a LOT I’ve wanted to write about, but time has been kicking me around like nobody’s business.  I don’t even know where to begin.

I think I should start with where my life events and mood have taken me over the past few months.  The past 9 months have really been such a blessing and thoughts, feelings, and the way I want to live my life have been setting deeper into solid concrete than ever before.  Some odd things have been coming out of my self-discoveries too.  Friendships have been annulled, acquaintances have lost touch, and I think I’ve become more confident as to what I stand for and who I am because of it all.

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If you want my honest opinion, I’m glad for the way things have been turning out in my life.  I know I’ve said it before, but I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life.  Those pictures say a lot about how I really feel about things.  Not to get into too much detail, but those phrases are put so beautifully into pictures up there got put to the test a while back and honestly, I’m glad they did.  The situation reinforced the confidence in myself to keep on being exactly who I am and what I stand for.  I know there are 3 sides to every story, but I’ll stick by mine.

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Another thing that I’ve really noticed is that I am loving the routine I’ve given myself lately.  For as much grief as I get for proudly waving my Type B personality flag and my INFJ flag on my social media posts, those personality traits of mine have really been allowed to flourish.  I love the peace and quiet that I have when I get home from work.  I find peace and joy from cooking, cleaning, organizing, and doing laundry in solitude (which I do a lot of, actually as those who follow me on Snapchat know).  I know the extroverts that will happen to read this will cringe at the thought of me enjoying life the way I do, but I believe these three postings say it best:

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Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not turning into some kinda crazy recluse that shuns all human contact.  I love my family.  That’s what I consider you if we are friends and hang out, by the way.  I don’t really have friends.  I have acquaintances and family.  I love spending time with the people that I love.  They mean everything to me and I hope they realize that I’m just a bit weirder than they initially thought.  Hahahaha!

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With all of that said, I’m kinda shocked at just how quickly this year has gone by.  It’s going to be April on Saturday morning!  Can you believe that?!  This year is going by too fast and I haven’t even gotten the chance to settle into it at all.  April is going to be so busy for me.  Lots of work, Holy Week right in the middle of the month, a Saturday of work after that, then possibly a band trip at the end of the month is coming up.  Before I know it, May will be here and our album recording on May 27th will be upon us.  Where am I going to find the time to go camping?  Camping season around here is generally from April through October, so I’m already getting behind a month.  I know that’s what my body, brain, and soul need… that weekend getaway from cell phone signal, other human contact, and city life.  I need minimal electricity (only what batteries and my Chevrolet Suburban can provide), and what the wilderness can provide for me for a few days.  Hopefully I can find a few times in May and FOR SURE in June to start to get my mind right.

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I think that picture says it best too.  Having a partner in crime would be nice.  Not that it would ever happen.  Ha!!!!  I’m just too weird for my own good.

Until next time, y’all!

Here for the party

The past few weeks, for as troubling as some of it has been, have also reminded me about how every passing day of mine is better than the day before. Each day off that I get to relax and take time out to just reflect reminds me about just how good I have things.

I’ll try my best to explain. If I look back at my life, I can clearly remember how misguided I was during a lot of it. I was angry and bitter about a lot of things in my life. I had a pretty bad mood. That’s nothing like what I am now, but when I think back to it, all I do is shake my head at the disbelief over how bad of an attitude I had towards life. I still don’t even know why I was like that either. Maybe it was the young me trying to find out just who the hell I really am. That mixed in with crazy hormones was probably a bad mix.

Believe it or not, considering my current stance on life, there was a time in my life that I desperately wanted to fit in with the crowd. I wanted to be part of the cool people and all that garbage. When I realized that I would never really fit in with all of my oddities, naturally I got frustrated with that too. Why wasn’t I getting the girls? Why wasn’t I getting the attention I wanted? Sure, I was funny and have that eccentric charm, but there are a few simple truths that killed my chance at popularity. Looks, money, and the desire to attain either of those. I was who I was, and come to think about it I still am that. I’m always going to be that short, fat, moron who will always try to find the funny in almost any situation.

With that said, over the past few weeks, I’ve thought about just how much more comfortable I am getting in my own skin. I have been occasionally taking time out of my free time to just sit on my couch and allow my brain to wander around and just do it’s thing. One of the things that got me to laugh was just how much of a contradiction my home décor is. Then again, it is completely and totally me. I have a lot of my wall space dedicated to music, with a Mötley Crüe poster and large pin, 3 Metallica posters and banners (in the middle of a LOT of Metallica memorabilia around it), my autographed Steel Panther stuff, and my Beatles poster all up on my walls. Next to that is my ode to my Catholic faith and family there, then followed by sports memorabilia, empty bottles of booze that carry memories in them, with it’s own space, a large metal cross that my late mother purchased and had up in our home, and finally a real Ocean’s Eleven movie poster that satisfies both my love for movies and my love for Las Vegas. It’s pretty clear that you see what really matters to me by spending two minutes in my living room. I laugh all time when I think about it because I can only imagine people looking at me in disgust saying “Jesus doesn’t mix well with your Metallica – Sad But True poster, dude… OR those empty Cabo Wabo Tequila bottles either for that matter. To me, it does. Everything about me goes hand and hand. I don’t fit into a single mold (shhhh with your weight jokes!).

I’m happy. I’ll tell you that right now and tell you that I’m honest about that fact. I really am happy. I’m happy with the person that I am and happy with where the situations and decisions that were put in front of me have placed me in my life today. Just yesterday, as a matter of fact, I found myself just completely happy over the fact that I woke up at 7am, for some insane reason considering that I was up late at Nocturnal Adoration with my Adoration brothers at my old Catholic Parish until about midnight, but happy at the time time that I did wake up so early so that I could get to the things I needed to do, like get my truck washed, go grocery shopping, cleaning my house, and doing laundry. All of that just brought me such joy. Cleaning up, organizing, and yes even grocery shopping has always just brought me peace and happy thoughts.

I know, at this point you’re probably wondering what the hell is wrong with me. Don’t worry, me too reading that back to myself. It’s just part of who I am. I kept posting updates on my social media outlets about just how much of a good time I was having. I bet people thought I was kidding about it, but I was being honest.

I was happy doing the things that made me happy. Oddly enough, I was talking to a friend of mine just this morning who recently has been down in the dumps and feeling lonely, etc. I don’t know why, but I had realized that this person has relied on other people to make them happy. Nothing that they have ever done for themselves had made them happy. Does that make sense? It’s nothing new in my observations, to be honest. Just to generalize (and I know I’m probably wrong and don’t have any scientific data to back this up) I always find people talking about doing things to make themselves desirable for another person. I ask myself, “For what?! Why not try and do something for yourself! Make yourself happy! You wanna do something for somebody just to have that one moment of temporary happiness, or those few moments of happiness? For what??!! Just to not have it appreciated later, or even worse just be pushed over or left behind? Then what, dude?!” I told this person to be happy with themselves instead. Do things that made them happy. It’s a crazy idea, but it’s true.

I realized that I finally learned that lesson myself about 3 years ago. I stopped letting the actions of others or others’ opinions of me dictate my happiness. I finally took control of that. Only I will control what makes me happy. Somebody doesn’t want to talk to me? So what? Somebody thinks I’m an idiot? Good for them. I’m going to keep being the weird dude I’ve always been, except now I’m not going to apologize for it or try and change to appease somebody else and have that control my emotions or my self worth. I am who I am and do what I do for me. I gotta say that I feel pretty happy about that.

So, there it is, peeps. Be happy for yourselves! Do what makes you happy… that is unless it harms somebody else. That’s a dick move. Don’t be that person.

January Madness

Well, what a crazy 3 weeks it’s been to start this month/year.  I will be the first to admit that I haven’t kept up with the gym as I had promised myself, but for some reason outside forces have kept me from getting back there.  Week one was a vicious sinus infection.  There I was New Year’s Eve all happy that I thought I had cheated the sickness around me only to find it hit me early that morning and went full force the rest of the week.  TERRIBLE!  Ok!  I do enough drugs to get myself to get to the gym on Monday, everything is coming up Milhouse and boom!  Family medical emergency goes down and I had to put my life on pause (willfully and gladly I thought I should mention here) to take care of business.  This past Saturday rolls around and it’s my first day to really sleep in in two weeks.  Everything is going cool and I decide to get to my happy place which is cleaning my house and doing laundry when all of a sudden during a 5 minute break at my dining table, one of my chairs decided to take out a finger and there I go bleeding out like some kinda moron who apparently didn’t learn to fear and respect dining table chairs.  Hahahaha!  I laugh at it now because at the time I was literally telling my walls “Really, dude?!  For F’s sake!  I can’t catch a break, man!  If it ain’t one thing it’s the other.  Alright, stupid finger, you can stop bleeding any time you’d like dude.  *insert various other vulgarities here*” So, here I sit at week 3 of this month continually staring at the base of my left middle finger that is still throbbing with pain any time I move it because the cut is at the very base near the webbing between index and middle finger wondering why it is that things are keeping me from getting to my life goals.  What did I ever do, man?  In the words of The Dude in one of my favorite films, The Big Lebowski, “I can’t be worried about that shit man.  Life goes on.”  And it will, my friends.  I may have lost the field at the starting gate, but you better know that I’ll catch up and pass everybody in the race too!  It’s just a matter of time.

In happier news, even with all of the chaos that has engulfed my life, I think I’m really finally settling into a good groove to start off the year.  I decided to finally pull the trigger and get to a project I’ve been having on my mind to do with the house and fill a blank wall with one of my 50 or so movie one-sheet posters I had from my time working at one of the now no-longer-in-existence movie theaters in town and although I really wanted to frame up my Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back one sheet, I chose Ocean’s Eleven instead.  It just made more sense to me.  It fit a few spots I wanted to represent:  comedy, adventure, and of course Las Vegas.  It’s pretty funny when I think about it.  I have little things everywhere in my house that represent little pieces of things that mean the world to me.  I have memorabilia and posters/flags of some of my favorite bands, rally towels and collectables from some of my favorite sports teams in between cool specialty designs of some of my favorite bottles of booze (all empty of course), pictures of family and religious articles proclaiming my Catholic faith, and of course my drums are all in there too.  Almost everything that made me who I am today are there for me to see.  I was looking around yesterday after I put up that one-sheet, one of my 25+ year old Metallica posters, and a Beatles poster I bought about 2 years ago and thought to myself, “Hell yeah, man.  This is you.  Be proud of all you’ve accomplished, man.  It’s been a helluva ride these past 36 years and things can only continue to go up from here.  Be proud of who you are, where you come from, and where you’re going.”  It feels good to have some pride in myself for once in my life.

And you know what?  Things are looking up for me.  Once this stupid finger heals, and I don’t have to worry about MRSA or any other infection I could get with an open cut on my hand where I could easily grab something at the gym, I’ll get back to that full force… Well unless some other calamity occurs in my life before then.  UGH!!!  And sooner than later here, the band is going to start back up and hopefully we’ll get to put a project we’ve been talking about on wax.  Just playing music again with my brothers will be good enough even if the project we have doesn’t pan out.  Overall, it continues to be the happiest time I’ve ever had in my life.  Time to hope that I can finally move this train down the tracks.  I have no more time for delays!

Take it easy, y’all!

Peace out 2016, Holler at me 2017

This is it.  We made it, y’all.  2016 and its crazy ass has finally come to an end.  Globally, I must say we had a pretty bad year.  Lots of terrorist acts, lots of war, and lot of death of people who are known by a lot of other people came to pass this year.  I know a lot of people are upset about it and have been taking note about how bad it’s been for us as a whole.  I tend to agree with them, but in what has been my nature more strongly for the past 5.5 years, I tend to focus on the positives.  I had a lot of positive things happen in my life this year.  In January, I made the decision to not live with anxiety and a too large of amount of stress for me to handle and the positive outcomes came from there.  I did fail, however, to get started on my weight loss goals but that’s to come later.

More great things came this year.  Most notably, I cut half the commute from my drive to both work and my parish and moved to central El Paso and even though I didn’t have any reservations about it, I had no idea at how awesome it would turn out to be.   Everything that I need or like is minutes away and the peace and quiet I get now is an even bigger Godsend.   Another great thing that came about from my change mid-year was that a true nature I’ve always had really flourished like a wildfire.  That true nature I speak of is my introvert nature.  I’ve always had it, but it wasn’t until I was truly on my own that it just consumed me.  I have honestly never been as happy in my life as I am now.  It’s the greatest thing ever.  Now, I have nobody to put a fake act on for, nobody to try to conform to, etc.  I can truly be me now and me is that dude who would rather be left alone, hates and honestly feels sick down to my bones to be in a crowd of strangers for more than a few minutes, who loves to spend time with only a select group of friends, and who finds comfort in music, movies, and the general arts of all kinds.  Granted, the last thing is something that more than just introverts to, I find that I don’t have to feel weird about my musical tastes because I’m liberated to be who I want to be without judgement.

With that all said, my very positive personal life changes has brought about resentment and probably a loss of friendships along the way with it too, but if you want me to be completely honest, I’ll say that if people can’t accept who I am, who I aspire to be, and what I stand for personally, then they don’t need to be in my life.  Simple as that.  I am sick and tired of being surrounded by negativity.  Again, for the past 5 years, I’ve done my best at always living looking at the positive in things and people and I have completely stopped dwelling in the bad in people and in things.  Sure, I’m aware they exist, but I refuse to let it consume me.  I also never have held grudges, but even more so now I forget and forgive as Jesus told Peter in Matthew Chapter 18 verse 21,

“21 Then Peter came and said to Him, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” 22 Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.”

I’m always going to be the same funny, happy, comedic (even horribly punny and cheesy), stupid moron.  I have no time to say out loud or to myself “remember what this jerk did to me?  F that person!”  Nah, that’s stupid.  I refuse to waste my life that way.

So, Sunday morning will bring on 2017 and the renewal of hopes and dreams for everybody, myself included.  I’ve never been one to do New Year’s resolutions, but I will say this.  I’m going to put my plans in motion to get myself in a better physical shape than round.  (LOL!) and I will continue to be the person I am regardless of the consequences of the judgements of others.  I’m going to be me and do what makes me happy.  That’s pretty much stay home, stay focused on my weight loss, laugh a lot more, spend time with the friends and family that accept me for who I am and don’t want to change me, watch more awesome movies, listen to great music, and hopefully make awesome music too.  I have plenty of room for those who want to join me, but if you don’t want to or want to get off the ride; I’m not going to stop you either.  In the words of “King” George Strait, “I ain’t here for a long time; I’m here for a good time.”

Good Enough

I’ve had one of the most interesting weeks in quite some time. Actually, it’s been more like 2 weeks that have been having me thinking about things in my life again. It all started the week of my birthday early last week. My pops shot me a text and asked if he could come over to drop off my birthday gift. I happily said of course and shortly thereafter he and his wife came over. I had such a good feeling having him over again. We talked about sports and the possibilities of fishing and camping this upcoming year and that got me all excited for the awesome times we may be having. After they left the weird thought about it all started to creep in. I wonder if he’s proud of me. I know, some of you may think that even thinking that is stupid enough, but hear me out. I mean, I know that all parents are proud of their children for one reason or another, but there are kids that happen to fail in life in one way or another you know? Some turn out to be criminals, some end up homeless or destitute, etc. You get what I’m saying. In my case, I know that he wishes I wasn’t alone. Dude won’t admit that to me or anything, but I’ve heard it from other sources that that’s how he feels. So I think about that sometimes. Is the way my life has turned out been OK for him? Is this how he thought I would turn out? Did I fail him and my mom (before she passed away 8 years ago) with the choices I made in my life? It really does make me wonder. I’ve always felt that I’ve had to live up to standards that my family set and now that I look at my life, I’m not even sure I have met them. I will say, however, that I’m happy. I’m happy with the way my life is at the current moment. I have a beautiful apartment that’s central to everywhere I need to be, I have a job that gives me very minimal stress, and I have a great group of close friends that keep me very much insane. I can’t ask for very much more. Funny thing is that the thing I had wanted previously, I’m getting now. Peace and quiet. I love silence and the serenity that it brings me. I’ve gotten all the silence I’ve needed as of late. So, back to the question about my dad. I don’t think I’ll ever find out the answer to my question because we just don’t have that type of relationship, but I hope that by him seeing that I’m happy with my life, he can be proud of me.

With that odd cloud hanging over me, I had a very strange week starting this past Monday. A few people from my past or people connected with said past came in contact with me starting this past Monday and to be honest, it put me in a very strange mood. There were plenty of events that I pretty much buried that were dug back up. I buried those things for a reason and I really didn’t want my mood to be killed, but alas there it was. I think I actually masked it well enough during the week and I really tried to get it to not effect me as much as it could have. Some people noticed, but I really think I fought off the worst of it all. Why this week of all weeks, right?!

Which brings me to a more joyous topic, Christmas! Christmas week is here and I couldn’t be happier. It’s my time to get closer to God and family alike. …AND get my Christmas music and movies in! I’ve actually been quite glued to iHeartCountryChristmas for about 2 weeks now and I still can’t get enough. I’m an idiot though! I wonder why I never purchased George Strait’s Christmas album. I need that in my life. Hahaha! But, anyway, Christmas music will be played even more by me this week and our family tradition of gathering at my grandparents house on Christmas Eve will continue this year. I’m getting the chance to bake my celebrated ham, dad’s roasting a turkey, and everybody else is bringing other dishes so that we can have a good meal with family. I can’t wait. On Sunday after Mass, I’ll be sure to be sitting on my couch watching my Christmas Film playlist while sipping on Egg Nog, Hot Chocolate, Coffee, or maybe all 3. Not at the same time, of course. And thanks to the holiday falling over the weekend, I get Monday off as well, so I can’t complain at all.

I hope you all have a great Christmas week as well. We’re almost done with 2016 (thank God!) Everything is starting new again soon enough, my friends! I’m looking forward to the change!

Mind Games

It’s a beautiful day outside today where I am on this planet of ours.  It’s overcast, probably with a few sprinkles of rain falling down, and cold.  It’s pretty much perfect weather to stay indoors wrapped up in blankets while drinking some sort of hot beverage.  I’ll get to doing that later on today.  In the meantime, my current workstation has allowed for something that I haven’t done much of lately which is daydream.  I wonder if anybody that ends up reading this blog daydreams as much as I do.  I’ll be honest, it’s a big part of what keeps me in such a good mood most of the time.  Now, I should say that if you come across me in the real world I won’t be with eyes glazed over staring into the far off distance, but any chance I get to sit and take a breather, you can bet I’m letting my mind think about whatever it wants to.  I think it’s a kind of stress reliever for me to be honest.  I always seem to be thinking about things that would be awesome if they happened in real life and not just to me, mind you.  I think deep down inside we all want to live in a peaceful and tranquil place, so that’s no different I suppose.  I just happen to think about it a lot.

I also let myself think about goals I set for myself or things I would like to have.  Some good things have come out of it too, actually.  I’ve planted mental seeds to get myself to go on awesome trips, get myself motivated to change eating habits and get to the gym, and even get-togethers with family and friends this way.  I guess if you haven’t noticed by those previous statements beforehand I’m not very much of an impulse action oriented dude.  I’m very calculated in all my actions, much to the annoyance of friends.  I just can’t help it most of the time.  I need to know what’s going to happen two steps ahead so that I can prepare.

So here I sit, on a break from work pretty happy because of the weather and because of the things that my brain is thinking about hoping for good things to happen.

I hope you’re having a badass day too!

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