Tag Archives: Peace

Too Lame for my Own Good

It’s it strange how life tends to come about in circles most of the time, right?  I’ve noticed that when it comes to my life, sometimes I tend to see what the other side of the fence when forced to so that I can see what it’s like and I find out that I really don’t like it.  I came to this conclusion over the weekend while I was continuing to nurse my messed up right foot.  God only knows what happened this past Tuesday, but I’m figuring that I either gave myself a high ankle sprain or sprained my Achilles tendon.  In either case, I was dying to just get the chance to rest my foot and try and recover because walking had been quite the challenge the last half of last week.  Anyway, with all that time to sit and think about things, I’ve noticed that I’m just not comfortable trying to live out a life that isn’t suited to me.  I know it sounds like I’ve done crazy things over the past 4 months, but it’s really not that much, but still enough to throw me off balance.

When it comes down to it, I’m really an early to bed, early to rise, keep to myself kinda dude.  That really explains it.  I don’t usually stay up late any night of the week, and I generally wake up early every morning, even on the one day a week I get to sleep in, which is Saturday.  I am also very much a homebody and I generally hate going somewhere just for the sake of having cabin fever.  I don’t like to talk to strangers, and I try to keep to myself as much as I can when I do leave my house.  I guess I’m painting myself to be some sort of a jerk or something, but I’m really not.  I just don’t want to bother people nor do I want to be bothered.  I like doing my own thing and being left alone.  With that said, after getting home Friday night with two new movies and dinner in tow, I was setting myself up for an exciting night alone left to my own devices.  I got through one movie before the drowsiness took over and I passed out early sometime before 10.  Now, this was a Friday night, mind you, and I live alone.  You’d think I’d go nuts and stay up late or something.  No, that wasn’t the case at all.  I was doing exactly what I wanted to be doing… well except for icing my damn foot and praying for the pain to go away.  Saturday brought some similar actions.  I woke up feeling better, pain wise, so I actually did venture out to get some groceries and sundries that I needed, but otherwise stayed home and watched sports.  Yesterday brought things to a head for me, though.  In a text conversation, I was pretty much blasted for deciding to clean my house instead of watching the season 8 premiere of Game of Thrones.  Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE that show, but I wasn’t going to do a half assed job at cleaning or leave it to be finished today when I could have done the job the right time the first time last night and forego watching the show during the premiere hour.  I was ok with it.  I wasn’t going to be spoiled if I didn’t watch it at the same time everybody else did and that was ok with me but not the people I was talking to.  Not only did they insult me for cleaning, but they also insulted me for taking so much time to clean and deciding to clean when this damn show was going to be on too.  I apologized for cleaning (even though I shouldn’t have) and got to the show 2 hours late, but I watched it, and all the while I thought to myself, “This just goes to show, man.  You’re just different.  And it’s not different for different’s sake, that’s just the way you are and now you’re being made to feel like an asshole because you have your own priorities and they aren’t bad ones either.  That’s not cool.”

That’s not the only thing that I was given grief for yesterday either.  The other thing was for going to sleep early every night.  I love my sleep.  I may get bad sleep because I’m still waiting for my damn APAP machine, but I also just love to sleep.  It’s not like I’m having wild inappropriate dreams or anything, but I just enjoy sleeping.  It’s hard to explain.  But I’m also on a biological clock that puts me to bed around 8:15pm and awake at 4:15am daily.  Some people think it’s crazy, but that’s just the way it works out and of course they think I’m crazy for going to sleep so early.  Again, I have to apologize for just living my life, but I’m still made to feel like some sort of an asshole because I’m just being a quiet, responsible, out of the way adult.  I don’t get it.  Why are we supposed to purposely short ourselves of the rest we need and go to places to do stuff that could potentially lead to trouble?  Why is staying home, maintaining a clean house, and getting 8 hours of sleep every night such a bad thing?  I shouldn’t feel bad for doing the responsible thing, yet here I am feeling bad.  I don’t know, maybe I need to distance myself from immature people and just keep to myself again.  Things work out better that way in the long run, I find.  I’m not sure what the answer is, but I do know that I need to push for my own happiness again.  I can’t be feeling stupid for being me anymore.

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Accidents in Emotion

What is it about the connections we have with other people sometimes?  Some people can have the biggest impact on our emotional well-being and we don’t even know it until it’s too late.  Over the past few days, I’ve had to deal with depression, sadness, anger, stress, and anxiety just to name a few because of the effect that somebody has over me.  It happens, I guess, but I hate that I allow it to happen.  I’ve been so busy as well, that I haven’t even gotten the chance to allow myself to think and process these emotions.  What’s going to come out of them?  I don’t know, but it’s affecting my everyday life.  I don’t want to feel this way, because I know me.  I’m going to make dumb decisions that will affect my life if I don’t allow myself to take a breather and chill.  By the way, I should say with that last sentence, I’m not talking about self-harm or anything like that.  I’m talking about personal life decisions that will affect me long term.

All I need to do is just hang out through today and into tomorrow afternoon, then God willing I’ll give myself a chance to just let my emotions go and do what they need to do so that I can try and regain peace.  Sigh.  It seems like every few years after having such a great run emotionally and mentally, I get in to the proverbial violent car crash that makes me have to do build myself back together all over again.  I hate having to do this dance over and over again.  I’m just tired of it.  Who knows?  Maybe my luck in my personal life will change for good FOR ONCE soon.  I’m not holding my breath.  In the meantime, it’s rebuild time coming soon.

Later y’all.

Witness to (hopefully) Accidental Prejudice

I’m back!!!  A little later than I wanted to be, but that’s because life has had me tightly in its grips as of late.  There’s been a lot on my mind too, actually, but due to the respect that have for other parties involved in why there’s things on my mind, I’m going to try my best to keep those to myself.  I know that part is unhealthy, actually, because writing is my outlet and my main outlet to release those pent up emotions, but I can’t disrespect other people much on here, or anywhere else for that matter, which means that I have to find another outlet when other people in my real life destabilize my emotions.  Anyway, I’m going to try and make a quick observation here on something that affected me last week that I just can’t shake.

So, this thing happened to me last Monday in Boerne, Texas as I was going to prepare for the final 513 mile trek westward back to El Paso, Texas from my trip to Houston, Texas.  In case y’all didn’t know, Texas is a gigantic state.  LOL.  Driving to and from Houston takes 10 hours each way and it’s that short now because a lot of the time, the speed limit is now 80mph and just about 75mph everywhere else.  Before, when the speed limit was 65mph, you could expect a 12 hour drive and all within this one great state.  How crazy is that, right?  Anyway, on my way back from Houston, I had strategically set up my fueling stop in Boerne because according to my calculations ( in which I did not factor extreme wind blowing eastward and thus creating more friction for my truck to move through), I’d have more than enough fuel to drive the entire 7 hour trip on that one tank.  I wasn’t hungry waking up and didn’t get hungry until about 40 minutes into my drive back home, so by the time I hit Boerne (which is on the western edge of the greater San Antonio metroplex) I was starving.  I filled my gas tank up to the maximum amount it would let me and noticed a Whataburger (a Texas staple and tradition) across the freeway.  Of course I had to go.  Not that any one of the 25+ locations in El Paso wouldn’t fill my Whataburger cravings, but why have a more national chain restaurant’s food when Texas’ own would do, right?!  So, I got over there, ordered my food, got my soda, and sat down.  Naturally, I just looked around at everybody just curious as to the crowd that hangs out at that place.  After surveying the crowd a bit, I noticed two very young teenagers, no older than 18 I’d say.  One was wearing a trucker hat with some sort of company name on it and the other had a black trucker hat with these words visible as they were printed in white; “Build Wall” I could only assume that the word “the” was in cursive and another color I couldn’t see very well in between the words “build” and “wall”, but I will tell you that it just hurt me to see that.  Now, I know some of you may have conservative views on things.  Don’t get upset, I do as well on most things, but in this instance and the reason the phrase “build the wall” is now popular, I don’t agree with at all.  It’s actually as offensive as a racial slur/term to me because in all honesty it is.  The people wearing these hats or t-shirts or shouting it out either in real life or on their social media platforms have no idea about how life really is along the border.

In case you didn’t know, El Paso, Texas (where I’ve lived the past 36 or so years) is a border city.  We’re now the 7th safest city in the United States according to Safe Wise.  Until this ranking, we’ve been 1 or 2 for the past 10 or so years.  I will tell you, from living here the majority of my life that it is a very safe city.  All of the drug violence that occurred in Ciudad Juarez, Mexico on the other side of the border only affected us twice from what I can recall.  Once, a bullet hit a building on the campus of The University of Texas at El Paso (UTEP) as it’s directly across from a very populated area in Juarez, and the second instance involved a stray bullet that struck a woman’s leg somewhere in downtown if I’m not mistaken.  That second one really can’t be attributed directly to the drug violence in Mexico, but the assumption was that the bullet came from over there somewhere.  That’s IT for the violence in the past God knows how many years, by the way.  Now, one could say that those were two incidents too many, but in comparison to what’s being portrayed about violent crimes here, as statistics show, we average 3.9 per 1,000 people.  That’s not really a lot.  Look again at that study as well.  Guess who’s number 6 on that list?  Yup, San Diego, California.  That’s another border city with Mexico.  Their violent crime average is 3.77 per 1,000 people.  So where’s the violence from Mexico?  Where are the rapes, beatings, and murders?  They don’t happen.  What’s the word?  Fake news.  That’s what that is.  Sure, violent crime does happen here, but it’s not because of any illegal citizens.  It’s simply American –v- American crime.  I’ll grant you that there is a language barrier, especially from downtown, into central, the lower valley, and into parts of the eastside of El Paso.  If you don’t at least understand Spanish, it would be best to be with somebody who did because there are a lot of Spanish speaking only people here, but since English is not the legal language here, it’s only frowned upon to not speak it.  I’ll be honest, it bothers me too sometimes, but it is what it is.  It’s not a criminal act.  As far as drugs go, yes, a lot of them go through the ports of entry, but those are the actual legal ports of entry that they get smuggled through.  They don’t go through gaps in the border wall, which I will also tell you that have been up here in the southern New Mexico/west Texas region for a long time already.  Nothing does, actually.  Thousands of people cross daily to and from our two cities/two countries legally via foot and vehicle traffic and we live in relative harmony.

I circle back to these two teenagers who obviously have no frame of reference as to what life is really like along the international border between the United States and Mexico.  That’s what really makes it sad to me.  There’s no reason to erect a barrier when one isn’t needed.  Sure, people do cross illegally into the United States from Mexico, but the vast majority of these people aren’t violent criminals and we’re not talking about thousands at a time all day every day.  If they do decide to try and cross, they are doing it in remote locations in Arizona where honestly they are risking their lives attempting to cross through there due to the harsh conditions and terrain.  It may happen with a larger frequency than some may be comfortable with, but we have Border Patrol agents who routinely go through that area and they do apprehend and deport the individuals they catch.  Same goes for the rest of the border between our two countries.  But a need to advertise slogans like “build the wall” insinuating that people from Latin American countries are ALL criminals and we need to erect some sort of great wall of America is just sad to me.  Hispanics, like myself, aren’t criminals just for being who we are.  Before you go barking out “Build the wall!” or putting it on your next social media post, just stop and think about what exactly you’re talking about.  Do you know the whole story?  Chances are you don’t.

Love and peace, y’all!

Creeping Death and Other Things to Ponder

Hey y’all!  I’m still processing the fact that we’re now in 2019.  What has happened to the time?!  I mean, I just turned 38 last month, but think about that… 1980 was damn near 40 years ago!  I’m still listening and prefer music from 1989 all the way back to the early 1920s!  Holy SMOKES.  The 1920s!  That was ONE HUNDRED years ago!  It’s hard for me to believe.  It really is.  I always envisioned the future to be, well futuristic.  LOL.  Maybe it is in comparison to the 1970s and 1980s with the tech I grew up with, but generally things are the same.

That idea of time I have which I could go into more detail about was brought on by a topic brought up to me yesterday.  Bucket lists.  Do you have one?  I thought I did for a second there, but I soon realized that I really don’t have one.  As Dictionary.com puts it, a bucket list is “a list of things a person wants to achieve or experience, as before reaching a certain age or dying.”  Right on Front Street, isn’t it?  I don’t know if this makes me even more weird than I know I already am, but I really don’t have goals that I want to achieve or things I want to experience by a certain age.  I find that putting things like that to strive for in the future just makes those things unattainable in a sense.  I lose my track in the present dreaming about the future and end up messing things up.  Does that make any sense?  It has happened too many times that I get distracted day dreaming about a possible future and end up messing something up in the present.  Plus, most of those things never came true anyway, so I figured why not live in the now?  Odd, right?  I mean, if I were pressed to say some sort of bucket list thing that I think could possibly be attainable or that I really want to do, it would be to visit Rome and The Vatican, specifically.  As a practicing Catholic, I should want to see that.  But those other worldly possession or vacation ideas that a lot of people strive for, I couldn’t care less for.  I know that may sound strange and out of left field, but it’s really how I feel.  I have no desire to climb a mountain, skydive, or do some other sort of potentially dangerous act.  I actually have a strong sense of self-preservation that keeps me from putting myself in too much of harm’s way.  Monetary desires, winning a lottery notwithstanding, are also out of the window for me.  I don’t strive to chase that extra dollar.  That’s not how God wants me to live.  What I need, He will provide.  I don’t need to worry, nor do I need to collect up treasures here on earth.  I have no desire to, either.

So what is it that I live for?  In a few words, I live for love, happiness, and comfort.  I want to give the people I’m close to all the love I can, and I want to be happy as much as I can.  I also just want to be comfortable.  Now, that last term can be a pretty broad one, I know, but comfort for me is more about peace than anything else.  I want to be comfortable with myself, with the people I associate with, with my surroundings, and with my life in general.  As long as all that is present, I want for nothing more.  I’m honestly a pretty simple person, actually.  I try to find the joy in everything that I do, even the most simple and boring of tasks.  I try not to dwell on the negative in life and I also try to live in the moment.  I have my good and my bad days, but for the last few years at least, I’ve had a lot more good than bad days.

On another topic that I have been thinking about, how do y’all feel about the typical adult tasks that we have to do?  I’m talking about cleaning, laundry, cooking, and shopping?  I’ve been in conversations recently where other people absolutely despise shopping and have gone out of their way as to do their grocery shopping online and picking it up instead so that they really don’t even have to do it at all.  Others I’ve heard of, for as old as they are, have no clue how to do laundry, clean, or cook for themselves and don’t have any desire to learn.  I find all of this to be insane in my point of view.  I know that I’m the weirdo, but one of the things that I like to do the most is to go grocery and other needed items shopping.  It’s fun to get dinner ideas, explore new items, and to just be part of society.  I know, as an introvert, I should be avoiding people, but I guess being in that environment, it makes me feel like I’m actually part of something.  Silly, I know, but I really just enjoy it.  As far as cooking and cleaning, man!  I have fun doing those things as well!  There’s nothing better, in my opinion, than that just cleaned house and laundry done and folded away feeling.  I look forward to that every week.  I like to have things in their proper place and clean at that!

So, I don’t know.  Am I the one in the wrong here to not have these grandiose ideas of wealth, fame, power, etc.?  Or am I in the wrong for liking to shop, clean, and do laundry?  Not in my personal opinion, because it’s what keeps me relatively happy, but I do think if I’m the exception to the rule in this world.

Talk next time, friends!

A Quick end of 2018 Note

It’s odd how some things just fall into place do they not?  I’ve had such a wild last week that I can’t even begin to tell you where it starts and where it ends.  I do know, however, that I think I’m in a good spot.  It’s December 31st and what a year it has been.  There’s been a lot of bad this year, and a lot of good to go along with it too.  Bad people moved on from my life, and I’ve gained so many new good people that I’m finally feeling like maybe it’s not all so bad out there in the real world.

I really want to talk about the last 4 days, actually, and what’s changed because of that, but I think it would be unfair to mention anything quite yet.  Just know that your boy over here FINALLY has gotten dealt a good hand in life.  I’m going to take that and run with it as fast as I can until my lungs breathe fire, then I’ll just run even harder and faster.

I know one thing though.  I’m going to make some wholesale changes after tonight.  I’m going to get my sleeping right, I’m going to hit the gym like you read about again, gonna eat right, and get myself to be the super best version of me that I can be.  I have more of a reason to now.

Peace out 2018, and hello to the much brighter and beautiful future.

Stay safe tonight, y’all!  Merry Christmas and a blessed and very happy new year to you all!

Burning out FAST

Hey y’all.  Oh man.  I didn’t want to blog before posting my trip across the country blog post, but I feel I need to let this out somewhere where I won’t be judged with what I’m feeling before it starts eating me alive and really starts messing with me.

Here it is.

I’m done.  Like really done with everybody right now.  I woke up in a F everybody mood today and I’m having a very hard time hiding it.  I’m tired of adjusting my schedule for everybody else’s needs and doing things I don’t want to do just to please others.  I don’t feel like talking to anybody, seeing anybody, or doing anything right now either.  If it were up to me, I’d be locked up in my apartment right now with the phone possibly even shut off.  That’s how bad it is.  What a time for it too, right?  Christmas Eve is in 3 days and I’m going to have to go to my family get together thing, but I’ll tell you right now that I don’t even want to do that, nor do I want to leave my house on Christmas day to go to my dad’s house.  F ALL of that.  I just want to stay home and be left alone.  These are the times where I feel sorry for myself for not standing up for myself to say “Lookit.  I’m just not in the mood.  Even for you guys.  I’m just going to stay home.  Don’t call me, don’t text me, nothing.  Just leave me alone.  I don’t know everything that’s wrong with me right now, but I just need to go away for a while.  Take it easy.”  Of course, I’m too weak to do that, so I’ll go and dream of the things I’d rather be doing alone instead and feel sorry for myself all over again.  Nobody understands and I don’t expect them to.  I just wish I could feel better about it and just snap out of it, but I know it won’t happen.

Ugh.  Time to try and continue to hide my negative feelings and get through the rest of the day until I’ll be able to get home, lock the door, and get back to doing me.  Maybe, since I won’t be able to watch my Christmas movie marathon on the days I really want to, Christmas Eve and day thanks to those family obligations I just mentioned, I’ll just do it tonight.  To hell with it.  Why not.  Maybe that might cheer me up.  I might just put my phone on silent and leave it in my room too, as to not be bothered with the twitter and Instagram updates I see from people.  Just worry about pleasing myself for once.  We’ll see.

One Hundred

One hundred.  Wow.  I never thought I’d write one hundred blogs on my page, but yet here I am.  It’s hard to believe that still here writing my silly musings after so long.  Actually, I’ve been meaning and wanting to write about different things, but I had been holding out trying to make this post special, but right now I’m thinking that I’m just going to let my mind wander and see what comes out!  Apologies if I go a little astray.

I have been thinking back to November 5, 2011 when I first started posting here on WordPress and at that time, I was really just coming out of my suicidal episode and I was needing a positive creative outlet to let all of my energy free.  Mind you, I had already been blogging on MySpace (remember that, kids?!) and Facebook for a while before that, so writing wasn’t new to me.  Little did I know then that this little blog of mine would help get me through the many lows and the very few highs in these past 7 years.  I had no real direction for the blog and I still don’t now.  I like to write about the current events in my life or the world events that give me an emotional response and I thank you all for taking those few moments every post to read through it.

With all that said, we’re in the last 3 days of October now.  WOW.  Where has this year gone?  This has ended up being another year of change for me.  So much has happened this year.  It started off with a pretty cool New Year’s Eve impromptu get together with my sister and her family at my place, then quickly turned into a crazy 9 months of family medical drama that really tested not only me, but the bonds of my family.  I don’t feel I’m at too much liberty to talk about it other than to say just about that much.  Aside from that, though, I’ve had a pretty good year.  I’ve met new people and spent time with the people that I already love and cherish, and I actually took a vacation for the first time in years to an area that I’ve wanted to go and revisit since I cancelled my trip post near suicide attempt 7 years ago.  Since then, I’ve been settling into a new routine that allows me to finally have a free day so that I won’t go crazy and get into one of those overwhelmed bad moods.  Overall, I think everything is coming up Milhouse.

Now, as I look ahead to what’s coming up I’m getting really excited.  I know that November is going to fly by, especially with the two extra days off I’m getting thanks to holidays, then December is going to be an action packed insane month for me.  First off, even though I didn’t want to do anything for my birthday, my heterosexual lifemate and I decided to have, what we’ve coined “White Don” to celebrate my day of birth.  We’re gonna have White Russians (one of my, if not the all-time favorite cocktails) and mimosas made with the cheapest sparkling wine we can get and Donald Duck Orange Juice.  It’s gonna be awesome!  Then the following week, we’re going on a cross country road trip that one could only imagine about.  We’re flying out to Baltimore, Maryland then driving back to El Paso from Annapolis, Maryland making stops in more than likely Columbus, Ohio so that we can pay our respects to “Dimebag” Darrell Abbott and where he was murdered (a quick stop as it were), then overnight stops in St. Louis, Missouri and the DFW area before we make the homestretch back across Texas to our little spot on the map.  Some other cities are in the works there too, and in total we’re going to drive through at least 13 states on our journey.  I cannot wait!  Then the following week, Christmas arrives, then the New Year arrives and we start this crazy thing we call life all over again.

Speaking of life… funny how it works sometimes, right?  I’ve had a lot of happy moments lately that have made my days constantly brighter.  For one, my brother from another mother and his new bride had their first child earlier this month.  I still remember my eyes swelling up with tears when he told me earlier this year that they were expecting.  He’s such a good dude and it makes my heart so happy to know that not only did he find a wife, but now they have a child.  He’s gonna be an awesome dad.  I just know it.  I’m dying to meet this little dude too, but since they live way up in the greater Salt Lake City area, I’m not sure when I’ll be able to meet my new nephew.  Of course he’s not my real nephew by blood or marriage, but I consider my friend a brother and I’m taking on my uncle title with him with pride and love as I do my own two crazy nephews.  Another bright spot that’s been shining on my life lately is the remembrance of the bonds of close friendship that I have with a number of people in my life.  Just this past week, I got the chance to spend time with a friend of mine who I don’t get to see much since she lives in the DFW area.  That doesn’t change the fact that we have a very close bond and I mutual feeling of deep love and genuine friendship that even thinking about right now makes me feel warm inside as I thank God for having her in my life.  Being with her recently reminded me of just how great having true friendship in my life makes me feel.  Added to that, I’ve been having great conversations with other friends for whom I hold deep love and affection for lately as well so overall I’ve just been in a great mood.  I just hope that by sharing it and feeling good right now I don’t jinx it.  Fingers crossed, y’all!

So, there it is.  100 posts and I’m glad that this one is a positive one.  That’s what my life is now, really. I’m living a positive life with a few sprinkles of sadness mixed in just to give it some counter balance.  I’m glad it’s turned more positive than negative.  It’s taken me a while, but I think I got it now.  Here’s to another 100!  We’ll talk soon!