Tag Archives: Introvert

…And I Know What I’m Looking For

Happy Monday to you all.  Well, we’ve made it into 2020 for real now.  Everybody is probably back to work and getting back to their routine by now.  Y’all who were off the past two weeks are lucky!!!  Man, it feels like it’s been longer than 2 weeks since Christmas day.  In any event, welcome to 2020.

The main topic of this post is about love and relationships.  Just thought I’d put that right out on front street.  I think it’s safe to say that I’ve yet again given up on the matter.  I know, I’ve said it before and before you know it, I’m wrapped up in some delusion of some relationship, but I think that God has opened up my eyes to really see what’s going on and I’m sad and at peace with it all at the same time.  Let me explain.  I mean, I guess technically I’m still involved in a relationship as nothing has been made official, but considering that I haven’t seen this significant other since April of this past year and hardly talk to her now, it’s safe to say that no words need to be said.  Actions speak louder in this case.  Honest truth is that I’m not even sad about it.  The more I’ve grown, the more I realize what it is that I really want out of a relationship.  What I want is a woman who loves God as much as I do.  Not more or less, really, just as much as I do.  I came to this realization last night talking to a friend of mine who is in search of a companion, just not how I am.  I’ll put it that way.  The conversation made me think about my own situation.  I mean, in my younger (and more stupid) days, that was always a sort of fantasy of mine.  All the people in my work and personal life circles were just out there committing immoral acts and “enjoying life”, you know?  And there I was, just sitting on the sidelines.  Honestly, I don’t know why I wanted just even a taste of that life.  Maybe because I wanted to see how it felt.  Well, thankfully, I never really got it.  I’ve been in meaningful relationships, but they all seemed to just break apart.

The more I gave it thought last night, the more I realized it was because I’m just simply too boring for this world.  Now, wait a minute.  By no means am I saying that to seek pity or anything.  Let me clarify.  I don’t like to go to bars and spend lots of money just to drink and get drunk and act stupidly.  I surely don’t ever want to go to a club or live that club lifestyle either.  I also tend to use my weekends to just stay home and rest or do my housework as most of my weekdays are occupied with work.  I know I’m not making the case for sounding like a catch, but hear me out a second.  Do you know what my focus is on, now more so than ever?  God.  My relationship with our Lord is the most important thing in my life.  I’m sure not to do anything that will keep me out late at night on Saturday because I need to wake up at 6:20am on Sunday morning to go to Traditional Latin Low Mass at my local FSSP parish.  My love of God and His church has even curtailed my enjoyment of consuming alcohol.  For the past few months, I’ve just been really over it.  I’m not completely sober or anything, but I really just don’t have any desire to drink.  I had too much one last time on December 6th of this past year for my birthday at a gig we played with a fellow band we’re friends with, but even then I didn’t want to, but damn peer pressure and gifted birthday shots did me in.

So, that’s kind of the basics of it all.  I’d really rather spend my Friday nights cleaning house, Saturday mornings doing laundry, and Saturday afternoon and evening relaxing to prepare for me to worship our Lord at the holy sacrifice of the Mass on Sunday mornings.  I want to learn more about the things I find interest in (like history and the historical events of significance over the past 150 years specifically).  I want to get better at bowling as I go every Monday afternoon now.  I want to get back into golf this spring as well!  I want to better myself, continue to learn about my faith, lose weight, and be relatively sober while doing it.

I don’t know if I can really live a super strict conservative life, and that’s why I say that I want a woman who loves God as much as I do.  Not more or less.  Definitely not less, actually.  I want to be able to look forward to going to Low Mass with a partner who will respect God and herself to dress modestly and will not try to find reasons to not go to Mass.  I’d really prefer to have a partner who is a follower of the Traditional Latin Rite as well.  I know my aim is specific, but I just can’t compromise and then get my heart broken and wonder what it is that I did wrong any longer.  I feel like I need to admit it to the world and more importantly myself.  I’m an INFJ introvert, traditional Catholic, mostly conservative, musically inclined man who seeks a woman with similar attributes and likes.  I know I’m aiming at a target that is the size of a pinhead from miles away, but I just can’t compromise anymore.  If I can’t find that perfect match, then let God’s will be done and I live a celibate holy life for the rest of my days.  But I’d be lying to you if I said that I yearn for a family.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you all!

I’m Broken

I’ve needed to write out a lot more lately, as y’all have noticed.  Today’s topic is something I’ve actually known about for 2 weeks coming now.  My heterosexual lifemate’s last day at our workplace is today.  For 13.5 of those days, I was actually pretty cool with it.  Not much is going to actually change with us.  Hell, I’ve known the kid for 27+ years and counting.  The only things that are changing are going to be the walks to and from work to our vehicles and our talks during lunchtime.  Camping, roadtrips, and playing in our band are still the same.  With that being said, just this morning, after everybody was asking me if I was going to miss him, etc… the thought occurred to me about me leaving this place one day.  The thought of it almost induced a panic attack.  Seriously!  I did it once, 4 years ago when I went back with my old boss to this current job to go back to the hotel life and the 9 months I was there gave me severe panic attacks, pretty bad anxiety, and now a lingering problem with said anxiety.

I had always been more of a loner, but after that madness I became even more of a recluse.  Talking on the phone gives me anxiety, being around too many people for long periods of time gives me anxiety, and I generally want to be left alone most of the time.  It’s the only way I’m comfortable.  I guess one can make an argument that it’s a bad thing, but I just find a way to manage.

So that brings me back to the present.  I’m now the last one standing of the old crew at this place.  I’ve seen everybody else come and go.  I don’t even know how to feel about that.  I’m not going to lie, it’s gonna be nice to be able to stay indoors every day and watch stuff on Hulu and Netflix for my free hour, but now I’m not going to have the outlet when I need to get something off my chest.  Maybe I’ll blog more!  Actually, I should.  I feel like I’ve been neglecting blogging on a more consistent basis.

As far as the future goes, I don’t think I’ll ever want to leave my gig.  I love doing what I do.  I’m kinda left alone even though I’m around people here, and I enjoy my work.  It’s a Monday-Friday gig and I live 15 minutes away.  I can make rent, pay my bills, and never go too hungry so I can’t ask for much more.  I’ve never been materialistic or greedy, so it all works out for me.  The thing that gives me anxiety and is almost inducing a panic attack now is the thought of me having to find a new job for one reason or the next.  Honestly, I don’t know what else I can do and still be able to support myself.  I don’t know if I can handle the public or not.  That’s kinda scary, isn’t it?  This sounds so bad, but if I were to ever get let go for whatever reason, I honestly think I would try to get disability.  It’s getting harder and harder for me to function semi-normally as it is.  Just this past week I was just burnt to a crisp emotionally.  I was dying for at least one day to be left completely alone and with nothing for me to do.  I was irritated, and annoyed, and was very short fused with everybody.  It was bad.  And worse yet, it almost felt like a new normal for me.  Even this week, I’m going to force myself to clean my house and do laundry today to give myself the 3 day weekend to do absolutely nothing aside from going to Low Mass on Sunday morning.  I need to.  I need to just get away from everybody for my own sanity.  And that’s the end game too, to put it bluntly.  If it were up to me, I’d just stay home and never leave the house.  It’s what I need to be happy, but I can’t do that, so I force myself to go to work.  It’s a messed up existence.

So, wish me luck, my friends.  I’m going to need it.  That and my old buspar pills.  I feel a damn anxiety attack coming on.  Ugh!

June 2019 Burnout

Hello again everyone!  I hope that y’all are having a safe June so far.  As for me, I’m going through one of my usual cycles of madness again.  The cycle I’m talking about is the one where I feel like I’ve let things in my life get out of control and I have to stop, regroup, and start all over again.  UGH!  I really wish I knew how this keeps happening to me.  All it takes is a little bit of madness or deviation from the set path to have me fall down the rabbit hole of ruin.  Heh, it sounds like I’m talking about drugs or something.  I assure you, that’s not the case.  What it is, however, is not having my ass in the gym, eating not-so-badly, getting the downtime I need, and generally not feeling overwhelmed.  I’ve failed on all those things over the past 3 months.  As some people may know, I get real cranky and short fused after a while with no personal downtime.  It’s a product of my INFJ personality.  I need that alone time and I need that downtime, but unless things go right, I end up lacking it week in and week out.  It’s difficult with my schedule though.  A lot of people, my heterosexual lifemate the most, do not understand it.  Let me break it down for you.  My day M-F starts at 4am.  I try and force myself to get up (which is getting more and more difficult every day) and start the day by doing my CPAP machine maintenance.  Once that is done, I get onto making breakfast, and getting ready for work.  If all works out, I’m out the door around 6:15am.  I have to leave that early in order to get a parking spot to get to work without having to pay $8 or risk not finding anything in the area and really being up the creek thanks to the damn construction workers that are renovating a couple of buildings downtown.  I’m at work until 4pm, and if traffic behaves, I ‘m home by 4:30ish.  I really should only have 3.5 hours until I should either be asleep or getting to bed after my nightly prayers in order to get my 8 or as close as 8 hours of sleep that I need to function.  In here lies the problem.  In those 3.5 hours, on non grandparents’ day (Tuesdays), I have to fit in any house cleaning I may have to do, laundry, cooking, and the gym.  I mean, it’s not impossible, but damn near close for me to fit all those things in PLUS just setting time aside for downtime.  Sitting, relaxing, possibly even some TV watching.  I can never fit those in because I’m always running out of time.  I can only run that hard so much before I just start to get a little crazy.

I just don’t know what I could do.  Heterosexual lifemate tells me that I shouldn’t wake up early to make breakfast (the guy is of the mind that “if I don’t do it, you don’t need to either.”), and that If I really needed to eat breakfast, prepare it the day before.  I mean, ok, I guess.  But microwaved eggs at work doesn’t sound like my idea of a good time.  That could be me, but if needed, I guess I could add that time to my afternoon to prepare a breakfast for the next day.  Good idea at first, but then I’m losing downtime after work anyway.  It still balances out to me being out of time.  Another option is me shorting my sleep.  My sleep doctor has already told me that I need to get more sleep, so that’s not an option either.  So, I don’t know.  I’m out of options.  I guess I’m going to have to try to really force the issue of secluding myself and trying to recoup as much as I possibly can on Saturdays.  God help me, because I need the strength.  The overwhelming situation I’m in is starting to affect my dreams now too, so I can’t even escape that!

Anyway!  Stay safe out there my friends.  Throw out a prayer or two for your boy!

A Voice

Hello all!  I’ve been meaning to write about this for quite some time but have never gotten the chance to get around to it, well until now at least.  Here’s a question to ask.  Are you a listener?  I mean, we all listen to people one way or another, but do you really listen when people tell you things or do you just tune out to when somebody else talks to you?  In most of my experiences, I’ve found that most people don’t really hear what I have to say.  I’m largely ignored or when I am heard my thoughts and opinions are dismissed as being any form of negative.  It gets annoying, so over time, I’ve learned to just keep most thoughts to myself, well that is until I discovered WordPress.  I think this is the only place that I find myself to be free to express myself any way I’d like and not be judged on it.  This is why I keep writing here.  I don’t know the majority of you followers personally, but those of us who mutually follow each other share the same ideas of freedom of expression to get those things that just gnaw at us out and away from us purging whatever emotion that may be.  I don’t know where I’d be without this outlet, if you want me to be honest.  I have a hard enough time as it is out in the real world keeping it together mentally, and when things get too bottled up, I come here to release them.

That brings me to the story I’ve wanted to tell.  I have an acquaintance who seems to be even more introverted and secluded than I am.  That’s saying a lot, actually.  Dude makes me look like a social butterfly, actually.  Anyway, to put things shortly, he just doesn’t fit it.  He’s quiet, doesn’t like to be part of any groups, and he just makes it an open effort to not be included in anything.  The strange part is that I love to talk to him.  I understand him.  I know what he’s going through feeling like the outcast, and maybe that’s the big thing that draws me to him.  I know other people I know talk to him and what not, but I don’t think people listen to him.  He’s generally misunderstood by everybody, but I know where he’s coming from and I make it a point to listen to him and let him freely express his thoughts.  I interject with them because well, it’s the right thing to do, but also because I generally agree with his ideas and if I don’t, I want to hear the reasoning of his thoughts.  I don’t know if he knows this or not, but I look forward to every conversation we have because not only does he excite the thinking part of my brain, but I feel like I help him out by just simply listening to him when it seems like nobody else will.

I seem to have that talent, actually.  I attract the misfits and outcasts.  Hell, I count myself as part of them, so why would I turn my back away from a fellow weirdo?  We all need a voice that deserves to be heard without judgement or criticism.  My buddy has me, and I have y’all.  Thank you for listening to me, even if you never actually comment on this thing.

Caeruleum Christmas

Merry Christmas everybody!  I hope you spend baby Jesus’ birthday filled with love and joy.  Mine, initially, wasn’t very loving or joyful I must admit, but things turned around for the better at the end.  That’s what matters, right?

It was such an odd buildup to Christmas for me too.  The weekend seemed to be just an odd blur.  I know I got stuff done on Saturday and watched Christmas movies then too, but it feels to me like I must have been in a coma or something because the days flew by so quickly.  Since I was out of touch with my football watching, I spent all Sunday watching the various NFL games too, so my Sunday flew by as well.  Before I knew it, Christmas Eve was here, and I was awake and getting ready to drive the 30 minutes to my grandparents’ house.  It was a quick visit, however, because everybody in my small family had places to go aside from my grandparents’ house, me included.  It was cool to catch up with my cousins and see my family together again, but I felt a little guilty for having to leave my grandparents in order to sleep to go to caroling at 11pm and High Mass at midnight, but I departed anyway.  I was still the last one to leave, so there’s that.

That’s about the point where things started to go south for me.  As soon as I got home, of course I was wide the hell awake.  I could not fall asleep for the life of me.  To make matters worse, I think my neighbor upstairs had kids or something visiting him because all I heard was the pounding of feet and God knows what else hitting the floor making percussive thuds down onto me.  Normally I tune those things out, but this time my brain was still working in overdrive so I couldn’t fall asleep.  I think I only slept about 45 minutes before I got up and got ready to go to my parish.  As soon as I got into the church and sat at my normal pew I started to feel ok until the choir started singing.  Apparently, I was so relaxed that I started to feel myself slowly wanting to go to sleep.  I fought it all the way through until Mass started and thankfully I was very much awake for the entire Mass.  I didn’t think I’d make it, to be honest.  So, after Mass concluded and I walked down the aisle to exit the church, a bit of sadness came over me.  And this is going to sound stupid and narcissistic and for that I apologize, but I started to feel sorry for myself.  Actually, I started to feel this before Mass even started, but of course as Mass takes place I tend to focus on that.  Anyway, the reason I started to feel sorry for myself is because a wave of loneliness took over.  Normally, I prefer to be alone, but there are certain days and activities where the bad light of being alone hits and this happened to be one of them.  I started to feel pretty worthless, actually.  How sad is it that there were a lot of families there celebrating the birth of our Lord ready to celebrate even more as soon as Mass ended in whatever way they were going to choose to, and there I was attending Mass alone, going home alone, to an empty house.  The emptiness of it is the part that bothered me, actually.  I’m used to being alone and as I just mentioned, prefer it most of the time, but that 10 minute drive back home was the saddest I’ve had in a while.  There are a few questions that go through my head sometimes like “Why is it that my life is this way?”  “What the hell did I do to deserve this?”  They were sure dancing through my head then.  Where did I go wrong?  If you want me to be honest, I don’t think they’ve ever been right in my adult life.  How sad is that?

I don’t want to be misunderstood, though.  I’m not seeking sympathy or anything; I’m just merely stating the facts of my life as it’s stood for 20 years.  I always have the worst luck in trivial things, but trivial things that make the most emotional impact.  I think I’m the only idiot alive who wants to have a family life that currently doesn’t.  I know there are probably a lot of men in family situations that would kill to have my life too, so I guess it works both ways.  There have been a lot of blessings in my life likewise that people would die to have blessed onto them.  It doesn’t change the emotional feelings when you’re right in the middle of them, though.

Anyway, I got home about 1:45am and decided to watch The Polar Express since I wasn’t going to go to my dad’s house (as I found out we weren’t getting together at all on Christmas day, which was a first for me) for Christmas and I doubted that my nephews would want to see it as they’ve never been interested in it, so even though I was going to see them later on in the day I knew I’d only have this opportunity to watch it.  I made a cup of hot chocolate and tried to cheer myself up.  It only masked the hurt because I still felt lonely and just empty, and of course the exhaustion I had still was lingering so that made things worse.  Well, I only lasted about an hour until I was in and out of sleep before I decided to shut the movie off and go to bed.  A heavy sleep brought the morning quickly and for as much as I was hoping that my Christmas blues would kick rocks, of course they didn’t.  I opened my cards like they were pieces of mail because nothing about it felt special.  I appreciated the gifts and the cards, but it just felt… what’s the word?  Ordinary.  There was no Christmas spirit there at all.  I went back to bed since I felt like I had a hangover even though I didn’t drink and when I woke up again still feeling bad, I had no choice but to get up to go deliver the Christmas gift I gave my dad as he was at work, then I drove back home to wait for my sister to show up.  By this point, it was 1 or so in the afternoon, my head was pounding, I was starving, and I felt pretty bad emotionally to boot.

When my sister finally showed up about an hour later, things really turned around for me.  Seeing my nephews made all the difference.  I was glad to have them over and I was glad to watch a few Christmas films and other films with them too.  The loneliness was gone and I was just glad to spend time with the kiddos.  I’m still not playing with them as much as I’d like, but that’s because I’m so busy always catching up with the adults that time just slips by.  That’s my fault too.  The need for solitude that I have means that I have to get in all my catching up when I do see my sister in person, so that kinda leaves the kiddos in a bind.  I gotta do better with that.  I will.

So, there it was.  Christmas.  The good and the bad.  At least it ended on a good note.  I’m relatively happy today, and I have a short week so there will be nothing to complain about.  I’m looking forward to a visit I’m getting on Friday and to go through with my traditional New Year’s Eve festivities too, so no more reason to be blue.  Let’s finish off 2018 on a high note, y’all!

Merry Christmas and may God bless each one of you!

Burning out FAST

Hey y’all.  Oh man.  I didn’t want to blog before posting my trip across the country blog post, but I feel I need to let this out somewhere where I won’t be judged with what I’m feeling before it starts eating me alive and really starts messing with me.

Here it is.

I’m done.  Like really done with everybody right now.  I woke up in a F everybody mood today and I’m having a very hard time hiding it.  I’m tired of adjusting my schedule for everybody else’s needs and doing things I don’t want to do just to please others.  I don’t feel like talking to anybody, seeing anybody, or doing anything right now either.  If it were up to me, I’d be locked up in my apartment right now with the phone possibly even shut off.  That’s how bad it is.  What a time for it too, right?  Christmas Eve is in 3 days and I’m going to have to go to my family get together thing, but I’ll tell you right now that I don’t even want to do that, nor do I want to leave my house on Christmas day to go to my dad’s house.  F ALL of that.  I just want to stay home and be left alone.  These are the times where I feel sorry for myself for not standing up for myself to say “Lookit.  I’m just not in the mood.  Even for you guys.  I’m just going to stay home.  Don’t call me, don’t text me, nothing.  Just leave me alone.  I don’t know everything that’s wrong with me right now, but I just need to go away for a while.  Take it easy.”  Of course, I’m too weak to do that, so I’ll go and dream of the things I’d rather be doing alone instead and feel sorry for myself all over again.  Nobody understands and I don’t expect them to.  I just wish I could feel better about it and just snap out of it, but I know it won’t happen.

Ugh.  Time to try and continue to hide my negative feelings and get through the rest of the day until I’ll be able to get home, lock the door, and get back to doing me.  Maybe, since I won’t be able to watch my Christmas movie marathon on the days I really want to, Christmas Eve and day thanks to those family obligations I just mentioned, I’ll just do it tonight.  To hell with it.  Why not.  Maybe that might cheer me up.  I might just put my phone on silent and leave it in my room too, as to not be bothered with the twitter and Instagram updates I see from people.  Just worry about pleasing myself for once.  We’ll see.

Happy to be Sad

It’s currently Friday night and inspiration has finally stuck to put finger to keyboard.  The past week has really just kicked my ass up and down.  I’ve been so busy that I realized that my tether from ok to being pissed off because I haven’t been home long enough is less than a week.  I have been going nonstop since thanksgiving and it finally got to me on Wednesday.  I was in a horrible mood and I was not nice to a lot of people.  I couldn’t really pinpoint it until I remembered that I just haven’t been home to do my thing.  And by my thing, I mean relaxing.  Alone.  Some people just don’t understand my need for solitude and my need to be home the majority of my free time. Things finally turned around yesterday as I just had to make a quick pit stop at my sister’s and I got to see the kiddos for a minute then I got home to spend quality alone time.

Today brought along new old adventures.  I was my heterosexual lifemate’s plus one at a holiday party just like last year and our walk through downtown to get back to our vehicles was just beautiful.  It’s so amazing what transformation is currently happening in downtown El Paso.  Granted, there are still buildings that are big-time eyesores and I don’t mean this to sound bad, but there are some stores with cheap merchandise that just look bad in and around downtown too, so there is still some work to be done, but the area around the newish-ly renovated plaza that acts as the unofficial center of downtown is thriving.  I work there, so I am getting to see the changes first hand, but I’m hardly ever there at night.  During the day with all the construction going on, it’s just a maze of madness.  Currently at night now, the streets are blocked off and the plaza is blocked off, and the plaza is lit up with Christmas lights, there are families and couples everywhere enjoying the city, and the new businesses and condos that have opened up are all open and thriving too… it’s just a beautiful sight to see.

I mentioned the thought to my heterosexual lifemate that it looked like a perfect place for a date.  Take the newly refurbished streetcars from uptown into downtown, stroll through the park all decked up with lights, maybe go into one of the many bars or restaurants for a cocktail and/or meal, take the streetcar for a ride through the downtown loop, and call it a night.  The thought of doing that seems so cool… then the reality hit me.  I got nobody to do that with.  Sheesh.  I’m not gonna lie, allowing myself to think about it makes me a little sad about it, but you know what?  It’s ok.  I have an otherwise happy life, I have friends and family that care, and I got my place to come and get away from everybody and recharge when I need to.  And by the looks of things, I can’t leave my place for more than 3 days until I start getting pissed off.  It’s good to know these things.

I hope you have a great weekend.  December starts tomorrow.  How crazy is that, right?!