Tag Archives: Health

I Got Tricks Too, Brain!

Hey guys!  Can you believe it?  We’re 8 days from the end of the month.  It doesn’t feel like it at all, yet here we are.  I hope the new year has started off well for you.  As for me?  Well, I haven’t quite gotten on track with my fitness goals.  I was supposed to start up at the gym, but life has continued to get in the way.  Funny thing though, a co-worker of mine mentioned going to the gym before work and I thought to myself “well, I used to do that before.  Go to sleep insanely early, wake up at 2am, get my gym on to start the day, and go to work and have nothing to worry about going to back to the gym for post work.  Can’t hurt.  You, by your own design, have no post work social life, so what are you missing out on?  Do it again!”

Well, this was Monday and since Tuesdays are grandparents day and a late arrival back to the house, I decided to start this morning.  I’m really glad that I did.  After cleaning the kitchen up a bit last night, I got into bed around 7:15, set my alarm for 3:20am, and got in my full 8 hours.  For as much as I did not want to get out of my bed this morning, I forced myself up, drove the 3 minutes to the gym, and got in my workout.  I would have had plenty of time to spare this morning to make breakfast, clean the kitchen up, shower, and get ready for work, but my hood cat decided to pay me a visit again when I got back from the gym after about a week away.  I won’t lie.  I missed her a lot, but damn did she throw a wrench into my new morning routine.  See, the thing is that she really wanted my love and attention and after she was almost over it, she decided to reacquaint herself with my flat.  She was even getting brave and jumping on my damn kitchen counters.  I almost resorted to drastic measures and pulled out a lime as cats hate citrus, but decided that she just wanted my attention since she hadn’t seen me in a week and let it go.  She eventually got the hint that I did not appreciate her on my counters and laid on my living room carpet instead.  I made my breakfast but was running about 30-45 minutes later than I could have been if she wasn’t there.  UGH!  Can’t blame her though.  She’s just too cool for me to be upset.  Haha!

Anyway, here I am now.  Playing tricks BACK on my brain.  It didn’t want to go to the gym after work?  Fine with me!  We’ll go before work.  Two can play that game, brain and I think I’m going to win!  That bet I made with my friend about owing her $113 if I don’t get to my goal by October may not be lost after all!

Wish me luck!

First Post of 2020

Hello all and a very happy new year to you.  Man, last post I felt pretty damn defeated, y’all.  I’m not going to lie.  I was at a very low point.  Oddly enough, the friend that I mentioned who was sick of hearing my rants actually sought me out for a conversation.  Funny thing about it is that we seem to talk in circles sometimes regarding my point of view in life.  I said what I tell everybody who wants to know, that I’m just burnt out and I really just need time away and alone.  If I could just sit in my very dimly lit flat for 6 days only opening the door to throw trash out, I’d be happy.  It’s what I think that I need.  Over the holidays, I got a little taste of it, but by no means enough.  I feel better, though.  That’s the good thing.  I think my body just needs a good break and I need to really prioritize giving it that.  Today, even, coming back to work I feel exhausted.  All I did yesterday on my holiday day off was sit on the couch and rest.  I was so exhausted that I even passed out for a good half hour and I hardly even drank the night before!  I got food drunk on pizza and buffalo chicken bites, and I ended up downing a bottle of champagne and a shot of bourbon.  The shot was only had because my dear friends in Salt Lake City called me at 11:30ish and had me on the phone and wanted to do a shot with me.  They asked if I was having a sober night, to which I said I pretty much was, but was going to have champagne at midnight, but then I decided to have a shot with them.  Why not, right?!  Point is, I wasn’t hungover yesterday with the amount of booze that I had.  I was just and still am tired.  My next shot at rest is going to be Sunday because my band is doing a show tomorrow night at a bar, and I’m hoping to use Saturday to clean, do laundry, and go to confession.  Knowing the way I clean and stuff, this is going to be an all-day event.

So, anyway, the thought popped in my head about trying to get back into the groove of things now that all the crazy days off are behind us.  I think I’m mentally ready to do the gym from Wednesday-Saturday.  Monday, I’m reserving for bowling, as I’ve recently really picked up the sport as a weekly activity, and Tuesday I spend with my grandparents, which leaves me Wednesday through Sunday with nothing really on my plate with obligations.  I think I can pull this off.  I don’t want to call it a New Year resolution, nor am I going to treat it that way, it’s going to be a “get back to a routine” kinda thing.  There’s no vanity involved in my gym work either.  I’m not looking to impress anybody, I’m just trying to counteract all the bad food I enjoy with some cardio.  Hahaha!

Speaking of getting back to habits and stuff, I want to really try to get myself back to traveling to the places I love this year.  I missed out on Las Vegas for the first time in a few years, and my little dream of escaping to Oceanside, California escaped me too.  I don’t want to let that happen this year.  I don’t even want or need to go for an extended period of time either.  A perfect amount of time out of my domicile is 4-5 days including travel to and from.  That’s really all I need.  2-3 days at one of those places and I’m good to go.  Well, come to think of it, I’m really hoping to seriously make it out to Las Vegas in December to ring in my 40th birthday, so there’s that to look forward to, but a quick 4-day trip to Oceanside would be cool at some point before then too!  We’ll see!

I hope this year brings all of us more happy days than sad days!  Talk again soon, amigos.

December 26th, 2019

Merry Christmas to you all who read this.  I hope all is right in your world.  As for me?  I’m really struggling right now.  It’s been, to use the beautiful phrase by “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, the drizzling shits for me as of late.  The depression and loneliness have been hitting me extra hard and I can’t seem to shake it.  I wish I could snap my left fingers (because I can’t snap with my right) and make it go away, but for as many times as I try, it just won’t go away.  It’s actually been growing more and more and I can’t find a way to make it shrink.  It’s getting to the point now that it’s affecting my enjoyment of family time too, so now I know it’s bad.  Bad thing about it is that I can’t even afford to seek any kind of professional help, even if I wanted to.  Hell, I don’t even know what to tell a shrink or anybody else anyway for them to say “Really, asshole?  That’s it?!  You’re feeling sorry for yourself and feeling like shit and all that for this?!?!  GTFO!”  People think I’m a narcissist as it is already anyway, so I already feel defeated before I even start.  I figure that nobody reads these things anyway, so I might as well put it out on front street to say what I consciously know is bothering me.  First off, I’m broke.  It’s entirely my fault, but I went from being ok again 4 years ago to being really broke again as of now.  I can still afford rent and all the bills I have, but I have no money left over now after paying bills.  My truck is slowly dying, so I’m having to put money into that which is further bringing my financial situation down, but keeping her alive is WAY cheaper than getting a newer used truck because I sure as hell can’t afford a vehicle payment right now.  Secondly in this pit of misery of mine, I’m lonely.  I know, I know, I’ve said it at least a few times here that I’m very much an introvert and need my solitude, but as an introvert meme that I have saved on my phone says “I want to be alone, but I want somebody to be alone with if that makes any sense”.  That can’t be any further from the truth.  It really struck me hard when I went to 11pm carols followed by midnight sung High Mass on Christmas Eve/morning.  I was probably the only idiot there alone.  There were families all over and aside from the two elderly ladies in my pew, it was all families in there.  I felt like such a loser.  Wait, I FEEL like such a loser.

What is it about me that I’m here alone?  Is it the fact that I want to be married and raise a family that keeps it away from me?  I wish I knew that answer.  It just sucks so much.  What the hell have I done so wrong to deserve such a punishment?  That’s really what I ask myself most of the time.  I see friends and acquaintances who are horrible people who cheat on their significant others, seek out fortune and fame, etc, who have spouses and families and I wonder why they deserve it and I don’t.  I guess I should call it what it is… jealousy.  Yep, I’ll admit it.  I’m jealous.  I’m jealous that these people are cheaters and care more about money and sex and all this shit and have the things that I wish I could have.  It sucks.

I don’t know.  I don’t know anything anymore.  I’ve passed the point of throwing my hands up in the air wondering WTF and now I’m just doing that “feel sorry for myself” walk with my head down both figuratively and literally.  All the happiness in my life is just gone.  Would you call that despair?  I don’t really think so.  Despair to me evokes suicide and thank God I don’t have those feelings again… yet.  But I’ve gotten to the “fuck everything and everybody” stage.  I just want to stay home and feel sorry for myself because nobody else will.  Even a friend of mine has said she has had enough with my “pity parties” and she was somebody who would listen all the time, so I feel like I can’t really reach out to anybody anymore.  Best I can try to do is to seclude myself and hope for the best.  All I can do is sit and wait and hope that this horrible deep depression I have decides to go away because I don’t know of any other way to get it to leave.

Holiday Trip-Up

Happy Monday to you all!  Here in the United States the holiday season has just begun to kick off.  This Thursday brings Thanksgiving and the slightly less than a month wait to Christmas.  As my last post indicated, I was pretty excited about it until last week put my excitement in check.  To make a long story short, my best friend in the whole world drove down from Salt Lake City to here in El Paso with his parents but for a sad reason.  His paternal grandfather passed away.  He knew it was coming, as his grandfather was in hospice care and they gave him just about the amount of time it ended up taking for him to pass away.  It was still good to see him as we ended up having a great heart to heart on Sunday, and I ended up spending time with his family on Monday.

If that wasn’t bad enough, after pretty much feeling like death thanks to the severe lack of sleep all day Tuesday, my day went from bad to extremely bad by the afternoon.  I found out that my grandmother had fallen at home and ended up fracturing her left hip and on the same day, one of my best friends/bandmates drove himself to the hospital and ended up being admitted for what ended up being nearly a weeklong stay.  Tuesday was the worst, however, because there was a lot of despair and confusion when it came to my grandma’s situation.  We, as a family, had to decide how to proceed with first the immediate medical issue, then later on, how to deal with the overall grandparents situation.  I can’t remember if I blogged about this or not last year, but when grandpa went down with his many health issues last year, it was very difficult emotionally for me to handle.  Ever since my last stint with hotel work I’ve had emotional issues, to be honest.  I used to joke about things like that about being emotionally scarred or people not being able to handle something or a job making people crazy, but my experience has proven those jokes wrong.  I’m now left with anxiety and panic attack issues and I cannot handle stress very well.  I avoid it and situations that cause me anxiety or stress like the black plague.  In an odd twist, I’ve found that I cannot handle any sort of family emergency well either as all cool I may have I lose really quickly.  So, with all that said, when my sister told me that my grandma had fallen and fractured her hip, my already fragile emotional state went into a tailspin.  I went straight to the hospital after work and did my best to keep it together when I went up to my grandmother’s room.  Thankfully she wasn’t displaying pain, so that made me feel better, but the “future tripping” of mine started to kick in quickly.  What does that mean with our situation with grandpa?  He isn’t self sufficient anymore and we all work.  Who’s going to take care of him?  And now grandma is down for the count for a while… will she be able to recover?  Will she be well enough to go back to the way things were before the injury?  If not, what do we do?  *insert panic attack here*.  It was bad.  I stayed at the hospital for a couple of hours then I drove home in the steady rain, which did nothing for my desire to race home to my safe zone. We, as an entire family, decided that surgery was the way to go, and her surgery was scheduled for the next day.  I took half the day off to be there for my family, and it was there that I found out that the bit of discomfort my dad had in his neck and shoulder had gotten worse.  He couldn’t really hide it at the hospital as we waited for grandma to get out of surgery so I had yet another thing added to my plate.  Grandma made it out fine, but my mind didn’t.  I lost my cool a lot during that day.  I was very short fused and I did all I could to fight off the anxiety attack that was just under the surface.  After talking to my sister once we all left grandma’s bedside, I felt better as we both apologized for being jerks.  I stopped to visit my friend in the hospital and once I saw he wasn’t bad off, I felt better about him.

I won’t bore you with the rest of the story, but I’ll say that now my anxiety and panic attack levels have kinda decreased a bit.  Speaking of decreasing, my excitement for this holiday season has also done the same as I’m really broke to the point that I won’t be able to get anybody presents this year, my dad is in some sort of crazy chronic pain that medical science can’t pinpoint the cause of so he’s even in an arm sling, grandma is half a week into a couple of weeks of rehab, grandpa is being taken care of by family and friends of our family, and I’m left trying to keep my positive spirts intact through it all.  What a festive time, right?  So, wish me luck and count your blessings this year.  Things could always be worse, my friends.

I’m Broken

I’ve needed to write out a lot more lately, as y’all have noticed.  Today’s topic is something I’ve actually known about for 2 weeks coming now.  My heterosexual lifemate’s last day at our workplace is today.  For 13.5 of those days, I was actually pretty cool with it.  Not much is going to actually change with us.  Hell, I’ve known the kid for 27+ years and counting.  The only things that are changing are going to be the walks to and from work to our vehicles and our talks during lunchtime.  Camping, roadtrips, and playing in our band are still the same.  With that being said, just this morning, after everybody was asking me if I was going to miss him, etc… the thought occurred to me about me leaving this place one day.  The thought of it almost induced a panic attack.  Seriously!  I did it once, 4 years ago when I went back with my old boss to this current job to go back to the hotel life and the 9 months I was there gave me severe panic attacks, pretty bad anxiety, and now a lingering problem with said anxiety.

I had always been more of a loner, but after that madness I became even more of a recluse.  Talking on the phone gives me anxiety, being around too many people for long periods of time gives me anxiety, and I generally want to be left alone most of the time.  It’s the only way I’m comfortable.  I guess one can make an argument that it’s a bad thing, but I just find a way to manage.

So that brings me back to the present.  I’m now the last one standing of the old crew at this place.  I’ve seen everybody else come and go.  I don’t even know how to feel about that.  I’m not going to lie, it’s gonna be nice to be able to stay indoors every day and watch stuff on Hulu and Netflix for my free hour, but now I’m not going to have the outlet when I need to get something off my chest.  Maybe I’ll blog more!  Actually, I should.  I feel like I’ve been neglecting blogging on a more consistent basis.

As far as the future goes, I don’t think I’ll ever want to leave my gig.  I love doing what I do.  I’m kinda left alone even though I’m around people here, and I enjoy my work.  It’s a Monday-Friday gig and I live 15 minutes away.  I can make rent, pay my bills, and never go too hungry so I can’t ask for much more.  I’ve never been materialistic or greedy, so it all works out for me.  The thing that gives me anxiety and is almost inducing a panic attack now is the thought of me having to find a new job for one reason or the next.  Honestly, I don’t know what else I can do and still be able to support myself.  I don’t know if I can handle the public or not.  That’s kinda scary, isn’t it?  This sounds so bad, but if I were to ever get let go for whatever reason, I honestly think I would try to get disability.  It’s getting harder and harder for me to function semi-normally as it is.  Just this past week I was just burnt to a crisp emotionally.  I was dying for at least one day to be left completely alone and with nothing for me to do.  I was irritated, and annoyed, and was very short fused with everybody.  It was bad.  And worse yet, it almost felt like a new normal for me.  Even this week, I’m going to force myself to clean my house and do laundry today to give myself the 3 day weekend to do absolutely nothing aside from going to Low Mass on Sunday morning.  I need to.  I need to just get away from everybody for my own sanity.  And that’s the end game too, to put it bluntly.  If it were up to me, I’d just stay home and never leave the house.  It’s what I need to be happy, but I can’t do that, so I force myself to go to work.  It’s a messed up existence.

So, wish me luck, my friends.  I’m going to need it.  That and my old buspar pills.  I feel a damn anxiety attack coming on.  Ugh!