Forever a Clone

I'm just a clone, talking away while nobody listens

Archive for the tag “Health”

I’m Staying In

I know it’s been quite a minute since I’ve posted anything, and believe me, there has been a lot to write about.  As per usual, my schedule has prevented me from really expressing thoughts and ideas over things, but there is one event yesterday that made me take time out to stop and put thoughts to this blog.  That event was the apparent suicide of Chester Bennington.  A lot of my friends were pretty sad about it and as much as I sympathize with them my first reaction after the initial shock was anger.  I was pissed off at him for killing himself.  Suicide is the selfish act of selfish acts.  I know what I’m saying will probably upset some people and I’m sorry if it does, but I’m really pissed off at this dude for checking himself out.  If I had the chance to talk to him right now I’d tell him this, “WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE!?  Do you not give a fuck about what you just did to your wife?!  What about your 6 kids?  Do you give a fuck about what they are going to have to deal with for the rest of their lives?  What about your friends?  Your bandmates?  Don’t you think they gave a fuck?  Oh, and don’t give me that shit that I don’t understand.  I don’t need to understand, dude.  God gave you a reason to be alive.  God needed you to be there for your children and you wife.  Yes, he also gave you the choice to quit, but you had so many reasons not to!”  I truly believe that.  I’m still pissed off at just thinking about that right now and telling him that.

I just don’t understand it.  I don’t see why anybody would go as far as to attempt suicide.  Hell, I should know.  I got close.  Oddly enough, I just passed my 6 year anniversary of nearly committing suicide myself.  I know I’ve talked about it before so I won’t go on about it, but being close to checking out makes me pissed off at the people who still contemplate it.  I wish people could see what I saw to stop me from killing myself.  Family, friends, experiences (both good and bad) that I would have missed out on were just some of the things that stopped me.  In reality, the main reason was my nephew, Little Dude.  Wondering if he would ever remember me and how much I love him and would miss him was the main thing that stopped me.  So, essentially it was love that did it.  After that point in my life I’ve made it a point to tell everybody that I care about that I love them, and not because it’s a cute thing to say, but it’s because I do.  Everybody that I talk to holds a special place in my heart and I feel like God has put these people in my path for a reason.  Maybe they are helping me or maybe I am helping them, but either way are paths crossed for a reason.  The way I look at it too is that if it’s up to me, you’ve got me for life.  That’s just the way I am.  Unless I find out some deep dark secrets that you are just a scumbag piece of shit (because that’s happened before), I’m not the type of person to be a friend of convenience.  I don’t like to annul connections.

So, long story short, I’ll pray that the families of suicides find peace to move forward with their lives and I’ll put myself out there to be a person to come to talk to for those who feel that killing themselves is the only answer to their problems.  There is so much beauty in the world for all of us to embrace and enjoy to just decide to check yourself out.  Get help, fight for your lives, and fight for those who care for you more than you think they do.


A quick glance at my continuing journey of self-discovery

M.I.A.  That’s what I’ve been.  I suppose it’s with decent reasons though.  I’ve had a LOT I’ve wanted to write about, but time has been kicking me around like nobody’s business.  I don’t even know where to begin.

I think I should start with where my life events and mood have taken me over the past few months.  The past 9 months have really been such a blessing and thoughts, feelings, and the way I want to live my life have been setting deeper into solid concrete than ever before.  Some odd things have been coming out of my self-discoveries too.  Friendships have been annulled, acquaintances have lost touch, and I think I’ve become more confident as to what I stand for and who I am because of it all.




If you want my honest opinion, I’m glad for the way things have been turning out in my life.  I know I’ve said it before, but I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life.  Those pictures say a lot about how I really feel about things.  Not to get into too much detail, but those phrases are put so beautifully into pictures up there got put to the test a while back and honestly, I’m glad they did.  The situation reinforced the confidence in myself to keep on being exactly who I am and what I stand for.  I know there are 3 sides to every story, but I’ll stick by mine.



Another thing that I’ve really noticed is that I am loving the routine I’ve given myself lately.  For as much grief as I get for proudly waving my Type B personality flag and my INFJ flag on my social media posts, those personality traits of mine have really been allowed to flourish.  I love the peace and quiet that I have when I get home from work.  I find peace and joy from cooking, cleaning, organizing, and doing laundry in solitude (which I do a lot of, actually as those who follow me on Snapchat know).  I know the extroverts that will happen to read this will cringe at the thought of me enjoying life the way I do, but I believe these three postings say it best:




Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not turning into some kinda crazy recluse that shuns all human contact.  I love my family.  That’s what I consider you if we are friends and hang out, by the way.  I don’t really have friends.  I have acquaintances and family.  I love spending time with the people that I love.  They mean everything to me and I hope they realize that I’m just a bit weirder than they initially thought.  Hahahaha!



With all of that said, I’m kinda shocked at just how quickly this year has gone by.  It’s going to be April on Saturday morning!  Can you believe that?!  This year is going by too fast and I haven’t even gotten the chance to settle into it at all.  April is going to be so busy for me.  Lots of work, Holy Week right in the middle of the month, a Saturday of work after that, then possibly a band trip at the end of the month is coming up.  Before I know it, May will be here and our album recording on May 27th will be upon us.  Where am I going to find the time to go camping?  Camping season around here is generally from April through October, so I’m already getting behind a month.  I know that’s what my body, brain, and soul need… that weekend getaway from cell phone signal, other human contact, and city life.  I need minimal electricity (only what batteries and my Chevrolet Suburban can provide), and what the wilderness can provide for me for a few days.  Hopefully I can find a few times in May and FOR SURE in June to start to get my mind right.


I think that picture says it best too.  Having a partner in crime would be nice.  Not that it would ever happen.  Ha!!!!  I’m just too weird for my own good.

Until next time, y’all!

January Madness

Well, what a crazy 3 weeks it’s been to start this month/year.  I will be the first to admit that I haven’t kept up with the gym as I had promised myself, but for some reason outside forces have kept me from getting back there.  Week one was a vicious sinus infection.  There I was New Year’s Eve all happy that I thought I had cheated the sickness around me only to find it hit me early that morning and went full force the rest of the week.  TERRIBLE!  Ok!  I do enough drugs to get myself to get to the gym on Monday, everything is coming up Milhouse and boom!  Family medical emergency goes down and I had to put my life on pause (willfully and gladly I thought I should mention here) to take care of business.  This past Saturday rolls around and it’s my first day to really sleep in in two weeks.  Everything is going cool and I decide to get to my happy place which is cleaning my house and doing laundry when all of a sudden during a 5 minute break at my dining table, one of my chairs decided to take out a finger and there I go bleeding out like some kinda moron who apparently didn’t learn to fear and respect dining table chairs.  Hahahaha!  I laugh at it now because at the time I was literally telling my walls “Really, dude?!  For F’s sake!  I can’t catch a break, man!  If it ain’t one thing it’s the other.  Alright, stupid finger, you can stop bleeding any time you’d like dude.  *insert various other vulgarities here*” So, here I sit at week 3 of this month continually staring at the base of my left middle finger that is still throbbing with pain any time I move it because the cut is at the very base near the webbing between index and middle finger wondering why it is that things are keeping me from getting to my life goals.  What did I ever do, man?  In the words of The Dude in one of my favorite films, The Big Lebowski, “I can’t be worried about that shit man.  Life goes on.”  And it will, my friends.  I may have lost the field at the starting gate, but you better know that I’ll catch up and pass everybody in the race too!  It’s just a matter of time.

In happier news, even with all of the chaos that has engulfed my life, I think I’m really finally settling into a good groove to start off the year.  I decided to finally pull the trigger and get to a project I’ve been having on my mind to do with the house and fill a blank wall with one of my 50 or so movie one-sheet posters I had from my time working at one of the now no-longer-in-existence movie theaters in town and although I really wanted to frame up my Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back one sheet, I chose Ocean’s Eleven instead.  It just made more sense to me.  It fit a few spots I wanted to represent:  comedy, adventure, and of course Las Vegas.  It’s pretty funny when I think about it.  I have little things everywhere in my house that represent little pieces of things that mean the world to me.  I have memorabilia and posters/flags of some of my favorite bands, rally towels and collectables from some of my favorite sports teams in between cool specialty designs of some of my favorite bottles of booze (all empty of course), pictures of family and religious articles proclaiming my Catholic faith, and of course my drums are all in there too.  Almost everything that made me who I am today are there for me to see.  I was looking around yesterday after I put up that one-sheet, one of my 25+ year old Metallica posters, and a Beatles poster I bought about 2 years ago and thought to myself, “Hell yeah, man.  This is you.  Be proud of all you’ve accomplished, man.  It’s been a helluva ride these past 36 years and things can only continue to go up from here.  Be proud of who you are, where you come from, and where you’re going.”  It feels good to have some pride in myself for once in my life.

And you know what?  Things are looking up for me.  Once this stupid finger heals, and I don’t have to worry about MRSA or any other infection I could get with an open cut on my hand where I could easily grab something at the gym, I’ll get back to that full force… Well unless some other calamity occurs in my life before then.  UGH!!!  And sooner than later here, the band is going to start back up and hopefully we’ll get to put a project we’ve been talking about on wax.  Just playing music again with my brothers will be good enough even if the project we have doesn’t pan out.  Overall, it continues to be the happiest time I’ve ever had in my life.  Time to hope that I can finally move this train down the tracks.  I have no more time for delays!

Take it easy, y’all!

Peace out 2016, Holler at me 2017

This is it.  We made it, y’all.  2016 and its crazy ass has finally come to an end.  Globally, I must say we had a pretty bad year.  Lots of terrorist acts, lots of war, and lot of death of people who are known by a lot of other people came to pass this year.  I know a lot of people are upset about it and have been taking note about how bad it’s been for us as a whole.  I tend to agree with them, but in what has been my nature more strongly for the past 5.5 years, I tend to focus on the positives.  I had a lot of positive things happen in my life this year.  In January, I made the decision to not live with anxiety and a too large of amount of stress for me to handle and the positive outcomes came from there.  I did fail, however, to get started on my weight loss goals but that’s to come later.

More great things came this year.  Most notably, I cut half the commute from my drive to both work and my parish and moved to central El Paso and even though I didn’t have any reservations about it, I had no idea at how awesome it would turn out to be.   Everything that I need or like is minutes away and the peace and quiet I get now is an even bigger Godsend.   Another great thing that came about from my change mid-year was that a true nature I’ve always had really flourished like a wildfire.  That true nature I speak of is my introvert nature.  I’ve always had it, but it wasn’t until I was truly on my own that it just consumed me.  I have honestly never been as happy in my life as I am now.  It’s the greatest thing ever.  Now, I have nobody to put a fake act on for, nobody to try to conform to, etc.  I can truly be me now and me is that dude who would rather be left alone, hates and honestly feels sick down to my bones to be in a crowd of strangers for more than a few minutes, who loves to spend time with only a select group of friends, and who finds comfort in music, movies, and the general arts of all kinds.  Granted, the last thing is something that more than just introverts to, I find that I don’t have to feel weird about my musical tastes because I’m liberated to be who I want to be without judgement.

With that all said, my very positive personal life changes has brought about resentment and probably a loss of friendships along the way with it too, but if you want me to be completely honest, I’ll say that if people can’t accept who I am, who I aspire to be, and what I stand for personally, then they don’t need to be in my life.  Simple as that.  I am sick and tired of being surrounded by negativity.  Again, for the past 5 years, I’ve done my best at always living looking at the positive in things and people and I have completely stopped dwelling in the bad in people and in things.  Sure, I’m aware they exist, but I refuse to let it consume me.  I also never have held grudges, but even more so now I forget and forgive as Jesus told Peter in Matthew Chapter 18 verse 21,

“21 Then Peter came and said to Him, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” 22 Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.”

I’m always going to be the same funny, happy, comedic (even horribly punny and cheesy), stupid moron.  I have no time to say out loud or to myself “remember what this jerk did to me?  F that person!”  Nah, that’s stupid.  I refuse to waste my life that way.

So, Sunday morning will bring on 2017 and the renewal of hopes and dreams for everybody, myself included.  I’ve never been one to do New Year’s resolutions, but I will say this.  I’m going to put my plans in motion to get myself in a better physical shape than round.  (LOL!) and I will continue to be the person I am regardless of the consequences of the judgements of others.  I’m going to be me and do what makes me happy.  That’s pretty much stay home, stay focused on my weight loss, laugh a lot more, spend time with the friends and family that accept me for who I am and don’t want to change me, watch more awesome movies, listen to great music, and hopefully make awesome music too.  I have plenty of room for those who want to join me, but if you don’t want to or want to get off the ride; I’m not going to stop you either.  In the words of “King” George Strait, “I ain’t here for a long time; I’m here for a good time.”

Back to Work and Hello Holiday Season!

What a week this one is turning out to be.  I know it’s only Tuesday, but it feels like this week is going to drag out forever.  I think it’s this schedule that I’m trying my best to jump start myself back into.  When I am behaving on my gym and eating habits and schedule I run a 16 hour day from 3am to 7pm during the week.  Getting to sleep at 7pm on Sunday nights if I happen to be away from home sucks and I always have a hard time waking up to get to the gym on Monday mornings.

That’s pretty much what happened to me yesterday after this (welcomed) 3 day weekend.  I went to my dad’s house and left after watching some of the NFL post game shows to see what they were saying about my Dallas Cowboys’ win against Pittsburgh.  I knew I was running late, but I couldn’t help myself.  I wanted to hear the experts’ take on what they thought of the team.  I got home with about enough time to only lose about half an hour of sleep, but I think my brain was still in love-glow mode thanks to the awesome win AND the incredible performance Alex Bowman put up in the 88 car (GO HENDRICK MOTORSPORTS AND THE REST OF TEAM CHEVY btw!!!!!) in the NASCAR race from Avondale, Arizona.   It was a good sports weekend for your boy over here, I’ll tell you.

Anyway, I decided to take a page out of Pee-Wee Herman’s playbook from his film Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure and play a trick BACK on my brain and went to sleep even earlier last night so that I wouldn’t wake up sleepy at 3am.  Well, a-hole brain got the last laugh as I woke up rested and ready to go at the crack of 2am this morning.  What the hell, right?  Instead of going back to sleep, I decided to make myself breakfast then hit up the gym afterwards.  Oddly enough, I’m not the only weirdo who goes to the gym between the hours of 3 and 4 in the morning.  There was a good amount of people there this morning at 3:30 when I got there.  I think I could have done better at the gym, but I’m not going to tell myself off quite yet.  This is a long road I’m going down and if I start complaining now, I’ll never get to my destination.  I gotta take each step at a time.

In other news, I’m still freakin’ excited about the holidays.  I can’t really tell you what the exact reason for this is, but I haven’t felt this excited about the fall/winter and the holidays that pass in them in quite some time.  I already purchased the soon-to-be-cooked meats, and I’ll get the other stuff I’m going to make myself over the upcoming weekend for next Thursday, aka Thanksgiving.  The only question is whether or not I’m going to make the 3 layer pumpkin cake (that people still talk about here at work years later) for myself (and friends and/or family who want to come have some) or not.  That being said, next Thursday should be a fun day filled with a parade, a meal, and some football all in the comforts of my home.  It’s going to be the first thanksgiving in my new place, so I think that’s why I’m looking forward to it so much.  I’m just hoping that I don’t get guilted in to having to go somewhere else.  I want to stay at home and enjoy my cooking even if it’s just for me.

Now I’m wondering how all of you are going to be spending the holidays this next month and a half.  What are some of your traditions?  I’m pretty curious to be honest.  Do y’all make a big deal out of these days?  I know I have followers from other countries, so Thanksgiving is out of the picture for you, but the religious celebrations that happen in mid-late December and the ringing in of the New Year are pretty common everywhere, right?

Weekend Update

Man, what a weekend I had.  Polar opposite days, but what else would you expect out of me, right?!  Haha!  I’ll start off with the good news first.  It now appears that the a-hole part of my brain that desires to derail my attempts at gym addiction has either been sucker punched and put to sleep or has finally given in.  Whatever it is, I like it.

I’ll start with Friday afternoon.  Instead of going with some friends of mine while they drank and spent money that I currently don’t have, I decided to put myself and my desires first (as I said I would) and got home to change into my gym clothes and spent an hour with my good friend the Arc Trainer.  It’s what I lost 40 pounds with the first time I was really serious about things and now I’m just as focused as I used to be, hell I’d even say even more so now, so that’s really all I wanted to do.  I get the chance to catch up with programs I stream on my phone and stuff too (which I know annoys some people, but guess what?  IDGAF!  Don’t hate because I can spend an hour watching something while I work out.  It’s what I do!) AND I burn the hell outta calories.  It’s beautiful.  Funny now that I think of it.  I wonder what the people next to me and behind me thought when I was catching up with El Rey Network’s show Lucha Underground.  Hahahaha!  I hadn’t gotten the chance to catch up with this season yet (I know!  Shame on me!), but I’m already just about 4 out of 7 episodes down!  Those 40-43 minutes of the best professional wrestling show out there right now (yeah I said it!) makes those hours on the Arc just fly by.  Considering that I’ll catch up with the current season within this week, I’m going to have to find something else to watch that will keep me just as entertained.  I’m thinking about action movies in the PG-13 realm since watching the shows that I do on Starz and HBO aren’t very friendly when it comes to public viewing.  LOL.  Anyway, tangent aside, it felt awesome to get in that hour right after work.  Yes, I dealt with having more people there, but thankfully it was kinda quiet.  I mean, who the hell would want to be at gym on a Friday night except for people like me?  Afterwards, I got back to the comforts of my apartment to get laundry done and that was just as therapeutic.  I’m so weird!  I find cleaning and doing laundry so much fun.  Yes, I’m one of those freaks!  So, needless to say, I had a fun Friday.

Saturday was pretty different than Friday night.  I still went to the gym as I promised myself I would and spent another hour with my homie the Arc Trainer while watching Lucha Underground, but after I got back home and showered wondering where the day would lead me, I got a call from one of the BFFs.  Homeboy invited me to go with him to his tattoo session and I told myself “Hell yea!  Why not?”  That ended up turning into quite the adventure.  As one would expect, the scheduled start time for the session came and went and it gave us the opportunity to visit a nearby bar.  Thankfully, the place that we went to serves Trooper (Iron Maiden’s beer), so I had a good time enjoying a few of those delicious beers in there.  The funny thing about that place was that I think we called out the bartender on her claims of being a nerd.  Hahaha!  She said she was all about geek stuff, especially Star Wars and whatnot, but once homeboy and I got into favorite Star Wars moments there were crickets coming from the other end of the bar.  I always find stuff like that funny.  I know she was just trying to impress us to try and get a bigger tip out of us, but that trick never works with me.  All I ask is for you to just be cool and keep the drinks flowing until I say otherwise and all will be cool, you know?  I’m under no illusions that you really do care or not.  I know that you don’t, so why play games like that?  Anyway, we had our drinks and went back to the tattoo joint and things got under way.  The artist that did the work on my friend asked if I had any work done and I said “no, not yet.” But I showed him what I would like to get.  He said it was pretty badass and long story short, it looks like the next time he’s in town I may just be getting that tattoo done if I save up enough space bucks.  I’m considering it my birthday/Christmas present to myself if I do have enough for it.  We’ll find out!  So, after the tattoo session, we were both on a victory high and our other best friend wanted in on the party and we ended up at this newer place here in town that serves primarily as a filling station.  People buy their own growlers and fill said growlers up with the beer of their choice and go on their merry way.  It’s a beautiful concept that is on the upswing everywhere.  I know of one that one of my cousins and I visited in Scottsdale, Arizona last year and much like everything else in popular culture, we get it last here in El Paso.  As my motto with a lot of other things, better late than never!  So, this filling station not only fills up your growler, they also serve the beers they have by the pint.  That’s what we ended up doing since they only had plastic bladder looking containers as they had run out of the glass growlers.  Who the hell wants those, right?  It worked out better anyway because we got the chance to try all sorts of different beer.  It was a lot of fun.  28 craft brews, all from here in Texas, and each one we had was delicious.  It was a party.  The end of the night was pretty awesome too because in our very odd way, we ended up watching Bob Ross on Netflix.  What possessed my friend to put that on, I have no idea, but we made a drinking game out of the show and we were at peace, yet laughing hard at the same time.  So much fun!

All of that fun and adventure brought along Sunday morning.  As per my customary actions, I woke up at 6am to get ready for confession and Mass.  I don’t know how I did it, but I didn’t even wake up sleepy.  Considering that I was up pretty late, I was ready to get my day going.  I started the day by watching an episode of The Joy of Painting with Bob Ross that is now thankfully available on YouTube and it put me in a very mellow mood, which worked out beautifully as I got ready for Mass. Mass itself was awesome and beautiful as usual, and I got the chance to talk to my good friend afterwards too.  That got me home a little later than I wanted to, but it still worked out as I knew I wasn’t going to watch any NFL action because my Dallas Cowboys had their bye week this week.  It allowed me to put forth all my attention to my favorite sport, NASCAR, and the elimination race from Talladega.  The two Talladega races have become my favorite races of the year because they are so unpredictable!  I had 3 hours from the time I got home to the drop of the green flag, so I had all the time to make myself breakfast and relax.  I think I relaxed a bit too much though because all I wanted to do was nap.  I ended up passing out on my couch for about 2 hours and 48 laps into the race!  I woke up to Martin Truex Jr’s engine blowing up, and from what I understand I didn’t miss anything before that.  The race was as crazy as I thought it would get, but sadly a driver I really don’t care for won the race.  Boooo that!  I still got in my football fix for Sunday by watching Football Night in America, so I didn’t feel completely left out, but soon found myself watching the sun set and the time for me to get to bed rapidly approaching.  I got myself to bed with just enough time to pass out and still get close to the 8 hours of sleep I need before 3am this morning came calling.

Overall, it was a very good mix of solitude and the company of loved ones.  Man, I only wish that every weekend was like that.  Maybe more on the solo deep side, but I’ll take what I can get.  This week has already started off on the good side as I made my way to the gym at 3:20am. I could have given up midway through the hour, but the words of CT Fletcher were ringing in my ear.  Gym pain just means that you’re working and pain brings results.  That’s not to say that certain pains, like very odd pains in my right knee (thanks to the buckle tear in my meniscus and torn ACL 16½ years ago), I won’t ignore, but general soreness and whatnot?  I can’t let that stop me.  Hell no!  I must work through those to keep on my goals.  I think I’m well on my way.  Things can only continue to get better from here.  I hope y’all have a great week too!  We just have to get through this week/weekend and November will be here before we know it!  I can’t wait!  Not only because I very much HATE Halloween and everything it has become, but also because that brings about my favorite 2 months of the year.  Oooo!  Looks like I have an idea for my next blog.

Riding Brain Waves

Isn’t it funny how the mind works?  Dreams, in particular, as I’ve blogged about on 3 previous occasions have always brought me a prospective on life that I either don’t notice, or actively try to avoid.  Most of them either deal with frustrations in my life, or other emotional things I happen to be dealing with at the time.  This morning’s dream was no exception.  My brain gave me that swift slap upside the dome that has me thinking about the ways to approach my life.  Thanks to the dream interpretation website Dream Moods and talking with some friends of mine, we have determined that my natural action of always putting others’ in front of myself is affecting my needs to the point that my subconscious is dropping hints like the girl that it is.  LOL!  Sorry to sound misogynistic, but y’all know that stereotype that women always dance around the issue instead of just putting it on Front Street, right?!  No?!  Maybe?  Uh…Heh…

Anyway!  Yes, my brain and subconscious are tired of me not tending to my needs first.  The primary need in my dreams that my brain is asking for is to be reenergized.  What’s also become apparent is that I keep going around in circles in certain aspects of my life (which is very true by the way), and my time is running out.  In all fairness, everybody’s time is running out, but you know what I mean.  I keep getting sidetracked from my goals because I don’t have the balls to tell people that I need to put myself first instead of doing whatever it is people ask of me.  It’s that guilt I have of letting others down that is screwing me over.  I know I’ve been crying out in the past few blogs about how my introvert-ness has finally gotten the chance to spread its wings and whatnot (and oddly nobody in the real world that I interact with believes me), but with that comes the need to recharge my proverbial batteries by staying home and/or keeping to myself.  I also need to get my ass back in the gym and because of the fact that I’m running on empty, I’m finding that sleeping the 8 hours that I devote to sleep during the week just isn’t cutting it.  I’m waking up every day just mentally exhausted and thus physically tired too and since the gym I go to is all crazy and packed (and therefore not a fun time for me) during the afternoon/evening I am not going to the gym.  My need for sleep is outweighing the need to lose weight and change my lifestyle.  I suppose it’s coming to a head now.  I need to put my foot down and start doing things for myself.  My only hope is that the people that I interact with in the real world here in El Paso will understand that I’m going into hiding pretty much.  I have to do it.  If not now, then it will never happen and I can’t let that become reality.  Call me selfish, call it a dick move, or call it what you will, but I need to think of myself first for once in my life.  I just hope and pray it goes the way it needs to go.

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