Tag Archives: Health

June 2019 Burnout

Hello again everyone!  I hope that y’all are having a safe June so far.  As for me, I’m going through one of my usual cycles of madness again.  The cycle I’m talking about is the one where I feel like I’ve let things in my life get out of control and I have to stop, regroup, and start all over again.  UGH!  I really wish I knew how this keeps happening to me.  All it takes is a little bit of madness or deviation from the set path to have me fall down the rabbit hole of ruin.  Heh, it sounds like I’m talking about drugs or something.  I assure you, that’s not the case.  What it is, however, is not having my ass in the gym, eating not-so-badly, getting the downtime I need, and generally not feeling overwhelmed.  I’ve failed on all those things over the past 3 months.  As some people may know, I get real cranky and short fused after a while with no personal downtime.  It’s a product of my INFJ personality.  I need that alone time and I need that downtime, but unless things go right, I end up lacking it week in and week out.  It’s difficult with my schedule though.  A lot of people, my heterosexual lifemate the most, do not understand it.  Let me break it down for you.  My day M-F starts at 4am.  I try and force myself to get up (which is getting more and more difficult every day) and start the day by doing my CPAP machine maintenance.  Once that is done, I get onto making breakfast, and getting ready for work.  If all works out, I’m out the door around 6:15am.  I have to leave that early in order to get a parking spot to get to work without having to pay $8 or risk not finding anything in the area and really being up the creek thanks to the damn construction workers that are renovating a couple of buildings downtown.  I’m at work until 4pm, and if traffic behaves, I ‘m home by 4:30ish.  I really should only have 3.5 hours until I should either be asleep or getting to bed after my nightly prayers in order to get my 8 or as close as 8 hours of sleep that I need to function.  In here lies the problem.  In those 3.5 hours, on non grandparents’ day (Tuesdays), I have to fit in any house cleaning I may have to do, laundry, cooking, and the gym.  I mean, it’s not impossible, but damn near close for me to fit all those things in PLUS just setting time aside for downtime.  Sitting, relaxing, possibly even some TV watching.  I can never fit those in because I’m always running out of time.  I can only run that hard so much before I just start to get a little crazy.

I just don’t know what I could do.  Heterosexual lifemate tells me that I shouldn’t wake up early to make breakfast (the guy is of the mind that “if I don’t do it, you don’t need to either.”), and that If I really needed to eat breakfast, prepare it the day before.  I mean, ok, I guess.  But microwaved eggs at work doesn’t sound like my idea of a good time.  That could be me, but if needed, I guess I could add that time to my afternoon to prepare a breakfast for the next day.  Good idea at first, but then I’m losing downtime after work anyway.  It still balances out to me being out of time.  Another option is me shorting my sleep.  My sleep doctor has already told me that I need to get more sleep, so that’s not an option either.  So, I don’t know.  I’m out of options.  I guess I’m going to have to try to really force the issue of secluding myself and trying to recoup as much as I possibly can on Saturdays.  God help me, because I need the strength.  The overwhelming situation I’m in is starting to affect my dreams now too, so I can’t even escape that!

Anyway!  Stay safe out there my friends.  Throw out a prayer or two for your boy!

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A Voice

Hello all!  I’ve been meaning to write about this for quite some time but have never gotten the chance to get around to it, well until now at least.  Here’s a question to ask.  Are you a listener?  I mean, we all listen to people one way or another, but do you really listen when people tell you things or do you just tune out to when somebody else talks to you?  In most of my experiences, I’ve found that most people don’t really hear what I have to say.  I’m largely ignored or when I am heard my thoughts and opinions are dismissed as being any form of negative.  It gets annoying, so over time, I’ve learned to just keep most thoughts to myself, well that is until I discovered WordPress.  I think this is the only place that I find myself to be free to express myself any way I’d like and not be judged on it.  This is why I keep writing here.  I don’t know the majority of you followers personally, but those of us who mutually follow each other share the same ideas of freedom of expression to get those things that just gnaw at us out and away from us purging whatever emotion that may be.  I don’t know where I’d be without this outlet, if you want me to be honest.  I have a hard enough time as it is out in the real world keeping it together mentally, and when things get too bottled up, I come here to release them.

That brings me to the story I’ve wanted to tell.  I have an acquaintance who seems to be even more introverted and secluded than I am.  That’s saying a lot, actually.  Dude makes me look like a social butterfly, actually.  Anyway, to put things shortly, he just doesn’t fit it.  He’s quiet, doesn’t like to be part of any groups, and he just makes it an open effort to not be included in anything.  The strange part is that I love to talk to him.  I understand him.  I know what he’s going through feeling like the outcast, and maybe that’s the big thing that draws me to him.  I know other people I know talk to him and what not, but I don’t think people listen to him.  He’s generally misunderstood by everybody, but I know where he’s coming from and I make it a point to listen to him and let him freely express his thoughts.  I interject with them because well, it’s the right thing to do, but also because I generally agree with his ideas and if I don’t, I want to hear the reasoning of his thoughts.  I don’t know if he knows this or not, but I look forward to every conversation we have because not only does he excite the thinking part of my brain, but I feel like I help him out by just simply listening to him when it seems like nobody else will.

I seem to have that talent, actually.  I attract the misfits and outcasts.  Hell, I count myself as part of them, so why would I turn my back away from a fellow weirdo?  We all need a voice that deserves to be heard without judgement or criticism.  My buddy has me, and I have y’all.  Thank you for listening to me, even if you never actually comment on this thing.

Too Lame for my Own Good

It’s it strange how life tends to come about in circles most of the time, right?  I’ve noticed that when it comes to my life, sometimes I tend to see what the other side of the fence when forced to so that I can see what it’s like and I find out that I really don’t like it.  I came to this conclusion over the weekend while I was continuing to nurse my messed up right foot.  God only knows what happened this past Tuesday, but I’m figuring that I either gave myself a high ankle sprain or sprained my Achilles tendon.  In either case, I was dying to just get the chance to rest my foot and try and recover because walking had been quite the challenge the last half of last week.  Anyway, with all that time to sit and think about things, I’ve noticed that I’m just not comfortable trying to live out a life that isn’t suited to me.  I know it sounds like I’ve done crazy things over the past 4 months, but it’s really not that much, but still enough to throw me off balance.

When it comes down to it, I’m really an early to bed, early to rise, keep to myself kinda dude.  That really explains it.  I don’t usually stay up late any night of the week, and I generally wake up early every morning, even on the one day a week I get to sleep in, which is Saturday.  I am also very much a homebody and I generally hate going somewhere just for the sake of having cabin fever.  I don’t like to talk to strangers, and I try to keep to myself as much as I can when I do leave my house.  I guess I’m painting myself to be some sort of a jerk or something, but I’m really not.  I just don’t want to bother people nor do I want to be bothered.  I like doing my own thing and being left alone.  With that said, after getting home Friday night with two new movies and dinner in tow, I was setting myself up for an exciting night alone left to my own devices.  I got through one movie before the drowsiness took over and I passed out early sometime before 10.  Now, this was a Friday night, mind you, and I live alone.  You’d think I’d go nuts and stay up late or something.  No, that wasn’t the case at all.  I was doing exactly what I wanted to be doing… well except for icing my damn foot and praying for the pain to go away.  Saturday brought some similar actions.  I woke up feeling better, pain wise, so I actually did venture out to get some groceries and sundries that I needed, but otherwise stayed home and watched sports.  Yesterday brought things to a head for me, though.  In a text conversation, I was pretty much blasted for deciding to clean my house instead of watching the season 8 premiere of Game of Thrones.  Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE that show, but I wasn’t going to do a half assed job at cleaning or leave it to be finished today when I could have done the job the right time the first time last night and forego watching the show during the premiere hour.  I was ok with it.  I wasn’t going to be spoiled if I didn’t watch it at the same time everybody else did and that was ok with me but not the people I was talking to.  Not only did they insult me for cleaning, but they also insulted me for taking so much time to clean and deciding to clean when this damn show was going to be on too.  I apologized for cleaning (even though I shouldn’t have) and got to the show 2 hours late, but I watched it, and all the while I thought to myself, “This just goes to show, man.  You’re just different.  And it’s not different for different’s sake, that’s just the way you are and now you’re being made to feel like an asshole because you have your own priorities and they aren’t bad ones either.  That’s not cool.”

That’s not the only thing that I was given grief for yesterday either.  The other thing was for going to sleep early every night.  I love my sleep.  I may get bad sleep because I’m still waiting for my damn APAP machine, but I also just love to sleep.  It’s not like I’m having wild inappropriate dreams or anything, but I just enjoy sleeping.  It’s hard to explain.  But I’m also on a biological clock that puts me to bed around 8:15pm and awake at 4:15am daily.  Some people think it’s crazy, but that’s just the way it works out and of course they think I’m crazy for going to sleep so early.  Again, I have to apologize for just living my life, but I’m still made to feel like some sort of an asshole because I’m just being a quiet, responsible, out of the way adult.  I don’t get it.  Why are we supposed to purposely short ourselves of the rest we need and go to places to do stuff that could potentially lead to trouble?  Why is staying home, maintaining a clean house, and getting 8 hours of sleep every night such a bad thing?  I shouldn’t feel bad for doing the responsible thing, yet here I am feeling bad.  I don’t know, maybe I need to distance myself from immature people and just keep to myself again.  Things work out better that way in the long run, I find.  I’m not sure what the answer is, but I do know that I need to push for my own happiness again.  I can’t be feeling stupid for being me anymore.

Give Life a Chance

Hi y’all!  I’m back with more fun and thoughtful words that have been swirling around this dome of mine for a while.  It’s about a topic that is pretty much almost taboo to talk about in certain circles and will definitely get arguments going with most as well.  That topic is pregnancy and the decision to terminate said pregnancy.  After reading a blog post by one of my favorite follows about praying in front of their local Planned Parenthood location, I started to think about why I haven’t been brave enough to do so myself.  In searching for an answer, I guess I can boil it down to not wanting to cause a scene even though it is for a great cause, and I’m just generally non-confrontational in all respects of the word.  I have strong personal beliefs about things, but I really make an effort to try to not push any agenda, lifestyle, etc on other people.  I know it may seem cowardly to some of you who may read this knowing that, but you know what?  That’s ok with me.

With all of that said, the main point of it all is that this got me thinking about just how tragic abortion really is.  I’ll be honest, in my earlier days I was all for the personal choice that people would make to end a pregnancy.  Honestly, I was just too young to comprehend the true meaning of it.  Let’s call it what it is.  It’s legal murder, y’all.  You’re ending a life by committing the act.  Nobody ever actually thinks of it that way.  The usual excuses are things like “oh, it wouldn’t be fair to raise a child in this world.” Or “I just can’t afford another child.” Etc… Truth is, if that’s so, then give the child up for adoption.   I know it may be easier said than done, but to just kill a child because it doesn’t fit into your life’s plan just sucks.  You know what else sucks, having to be reminded that people terminate pregnancies is the fact that there are people like me who will probably never have children of their own for one reason or another and would do nearly anything to have one.  How messed up is that, right?  It just breaks my heart.  At least with me, I have my life to blame for my problems.  I just haven’t found the mother of my children and chances are I probably never will, but there are plenty of married couples who try and try for children with no luck, yet there are countless women going to clinics every day killing their kids.  It just sucks.  I know, nobody said life would be fair, but things need to be done to stop this unfairness.  It can and should be stopped.

Anyway, more to come another day, my friends.  Stay safe out there in this crazy world of ours!

Accidents in Emotion

What is it about the connections we have with other people sometimes?  Some people can have the biggest impact on our emotional well-being and we don’t even know it until it’s too late.  Over the past few days, I’ve had to deal with depression, sadness, anger, stress, and anxiety just to name a few because of the effect that somebody has over me.  It happens, I guess, but I hate that I allow it to happen.  I’ve been so busy as well, that I haven’t even gotten the chance to allow myself to think and process these emotions.  What’s going to come out of them?  I don’t know, but it’s affecting my everyday life.  I don’t want to feel this way, because I know me.  I’m going to make dumb decisions that will affect my life if I don’t allow myself to take a breather and chill.  By the way, I should say with that last sentence, I’m not talking about self-harm or anything like that.  I’m talking about personal life decisions that will affect me long term.

All I need to do is just hang out through today and into tomorrow afternoon, then God willing I’ll give myself a chance to just let my emotions go and do what they need to do so that I can try and regain peace.  Sigh.  It seems like every few years after having such a great run emotionally and mentally, I get in to the proverbial violent car crash that makes me have to do build myself back together all over again.  I hate having to do this dance over and over again.  I’m just tired of it.  Who knows?  Maybe my luck in my personal life will change for good FOR ONCE soon.  I’m not holding my breath.  In the meantime, it’s rebuild time coming soon.

Later y’all.

I’m Going Through Changes…

Greetings y’all!  What an incredible journey I’ve been having since the last weekend of 2018!  I will tell y’all that my life has been almost completely turned around to a new normal.  I can’t deny it, either.  It feels great.  It’s even odd enough to say that, but it does.  I think my brother (from another mother) who lives in Salt Lake City told me the best way about it too; “Well, dude, you were due for a change.  I don’t wanna sound like a dick about it, but your life had gotten pretty stagnant.  I’m happy for you, dude!”  Hmmm… maybe he’s right!  I mean, I have traveled more in the past 3 months than I have in the past 5 years, and east of all things!  I mean, before about 3 or 4 years ago I had never really been anywhere else here in Texas for any more than a quick stop or some specific thing to do.  I went to Houston 10 years ago for WWE’s WrestleMania 25 for a weekend, but we didn’t venture out much aside from going to the area where the event was being held.  I also went to the DFW area a few years ago to visit one of my band members for a weekend, then again to his new place in Bryan but it was more for a working/band trip, so I didn’t really see much then either.  Well, this year, already, I’ve gone to Houston and explored parts of that wonderful city again, and I got to drive through San Antonio for the first time in 20 years!  Just this past weekend, I was back in Bryan/College Station where I got to see a bit more of the town.  I’ve also gotten to know Interstate 10 from the state line in my hometown of Anthony, Texas all the way through to Houston, Texas.  Before this year, I hadn’t even driven it past the exit to highway 280 right after Junction, Texas that takes you into Fredericksburg, Johnson City, and Austin.  My two trips (and one more scheduled coming up in two weeks) have been really eye opening to me.  I’m wondering why it is that I didn’t want to head east before.  I mean, I can tell you why really.  It’s because my favorite Major League Baseball team is the Arizona Diamondbacks (who are based in Phoenix, Arizona), and the place I visit at least annually is Las Vegas, Nevada.  Both of those places are west of me and I’ve always felt comfortable in my familiar desert climate.  Say what you will about things, but nothing beats the sunsets here in the desert southwest.  The way things are heading, I might be heading east permanently, so I gotta take in as many of these sunsets as I can while I can still remember to!

Along with my travel and my new found appreciation for what lies east of El Paso, I’ve also fully embraced my new lifestyle change.  I have kept losing pounds each passing week and I’m ramping up my confidence that I can continue to get to my goal weight, which I should hit sometime in November.  I’m really looking forward to that AND looking forward to seeing a better version of me in the mirror!  I’ve even started to eat way healthier than I was previously, and I am getting compliments at least weekly from my coworkers about how great of a job I’m doing.  It feels awesome to know that finally, for once, things are heading in the direction they should be when it comes to my health.  Speaking of my health, on Tuesday, I’m finally going to have a sleep study done to hopefully help fix my problem with sleep apnea and snoring.  Hardly anybody understands, but I am super excited about this too.  The more changes, the better I say!

Have a great weekend y’all!  Stay safe out there in this wild planet of ours!

Be Peace

Hello once again, y’all!  I hope this blog post finds you well.  Things for me are quite in flux.  Should I be surprised at it?  No.  I part of me wishes some of the aspects of my life were different right now, but I’m of the mind that God puts us in all situations for good reasons.

I’ve had a lot to be thankful for lately, actually.  I have been kicking so much ass at my weight loss and the steps that I’m taking to get there that I’m actually pretty excited that getting to my target weight may actually happen a lot sooner than later.  If it all goes somewhat well, I should reach my target somewhere in between October 31st and November 8th.  Kind of exciting and scary all at the same time.  I mean, how insane to think that if I continue with my hard work and dedication, just under 100 pounds will be shed by then.  100 pounds in 10 months…  I’m trying real hard to imagine how I’ll look and I have no idea how that’s going to be, but I’m pushing all my chips towards the middle of the table to make that happen.

I’m wondering about a lot of things with that change too, actually.  How differently will I be treated by everyone?  How about in public?  Will people want to approach me?  Man, I hope not!  Hahaha!  I’ve been generally left alone for 38 years and counting, I don’t wanna start socializing now!  Don’t get me wrong about it though, I’m not scared or nervous about it, I’m just really wondering how it’s going to be.

There’s another thing that’s been happening since I started this journey in earnest on January 1st.  I’ve been openly happy about the results I’ve been getting so far and with that, I’ve been getting mixed reactions to my happiness.  A handful of people have really sincerely praised me telling me encouraging words and such.  Some others have been surprised and have also told me to keep going.  Others have been really just MEH about it and seem either annoyed, jealous, or some other negative feeling towards me and my journey and I just can’t figure it out.  Why is it that some people just live a negative life?  Is it the fact that they get more satisfaction from talking smack about other people to boost their own ego?  Or is it jealousy over the fact that they aren’t happy with themselves, yet they choose not to fix whatever is bothering them?  Or maybe some other reason.  I don’t know.  This song here below has been around for about 4 years and goes very well with this topic…

All the lyrics in that song speaks to my question, but the main one is “Why can’t you be happy for anyone else?”  That’s so true.  We all need at least a little bit of positive encouragement.  Hell, all words are powerful.  I know, personally, I’m a very sensitive person.  Words affect me a lot, especially when they come from people whom I love, and/or respect.  Some people in my real world life just don’t seem to notice that their words have effect on me and they say harmful things.  I hurt a lot and even though I hide it, words sting me for a long time.

Well I was told yesterday that in so many words to say “to hell with the people that aren’t going to be supportive of you!”  and I tend to agree with that.  I’ll just let those negative words slide off and focus on the positive words as I continue to make this transformation.

If there’s one thing I’d like to share for people who read this to take away from, it’s be nice to everybody.  There’s never a reason to rude, disrespectful, or speak out of anger to anyone.  We all need love and encouragement.  Who knows, maybe the person that you offer praise to was just waiting on those words to get themselves through another day.  Be nice, be loving, and live life in peace with each other, everyone.  It’s amazing what we can accomplish together!