Happy November, y’all. We made it to the end of the year. Whoa. Wait a minute. 2019 is almost over?! I never did get quite used to knowing that we were living in this year. If that makes any sense the way I put it, I suppose. I guess it the year still feels like it’s too far in the future when I actually think or say the year to myself. What can I say, I’m one of those people who think of the 1980’s when people say “remember 10, 15, 20 years ago when…” Yep, that. I think “yeah! Hell yeah I remember 1987!” To think, 1987 wasn’t 10 to 20 years ago. Nope. 1987 was 32 years ago. Whoops! Hahaha! So, yeah, 2019 is like flying cars future to my brain, not the present. Now I’m going to have to get used to 2020 in less than 2 months! I’m sure my brain is going to explode come January.
Anyway, I’ve been having a rough go at it lately. I’ve been having a lot of times of sadness, loneliness, depression, exhaustion, burn out, and malaise. I can’t really pinpoint the source, though, and that is making things a little bit frustrating. All that is causing me to have a general bitter and angry baseline when it comes to emotional status and I don’t think a lot of my friends out here in the non-digital world are liking it too much. Can’t say I blame them, though. Seeing me not be a cheerful, joking dude must be a bit of an adjustment. If I allow myself to think of it, I think I can put a finger on the cause of my problems. In no order, I think I just have been overextending myself lately and not giving myself enough time to just rest. It’s been a band practice here, visiting a friend’ house there, play some stupid gig for an hour (not even a full set) on two different occasions here (no, not worth it for me), family obligations there, all the while try and fit in me time into there somewhere. I knew it would come to this too. I would tell myself, “Dude, you’re gonna hit the burn out wall and you’re not going to like it. It’s coming, dude.” Sure enough I was cruising along at the speed of sound when out of nowhere came the unmovable wall and I hit it straight on. All of this is compounded with my financial situation of living check to check, and my love life which is in the landfill section of life, so yeah… all of those negative feelings (and probably others that I can’t quite put a name to but they are there) just came out in large flooding event and I’ve been fighting the waves since then.
In a small moment of happiness, however, I befriended the strayed/probably abandoned cat that had been hanging around my apartment building since about May of this year. She was God’s small gift to me… Another living object to show compassion and love to without reservations or questions. Spoilers, she’s been gone since last Wednesday morning which leads me to believe that somebody took her or the maintenance peeps at the complex called animal control and they picked her up. In any event, the 3 weeks that we became friends helped me out during some of my dark times. Her and I got into a routine where I’d let her into the flat in the mornings, she’d have a bit to eat, and she would spend some time with be before meowing to be let back out, then she’d go along the rest of the day while I was at work and she would show back around in the late afternoon/evening where she’d have another snack and we’d hang out some more. I would like to think I was giving her comfort and compassion and even if she didn’t intend to, she did the same to me. In the days since she’s been gone, I’ve joked to myself that she’s been a typical woman in my life. Shows up, everything is cool, but the minute I show love and provide a meal, she bails. L O L!!!!!!!! It’s sad but true.
Anyway, this damn black cloud of mine has started to affect my energy levels to the point that I am sure that I scared my grandma and my dad. Last week, during my weekly Tuesday visit with my grandparents, I told my grandma that I have been just tired every single day lately and no matter how much I sleep I still hit a wall of exhaustion. My CPAP machine of doom should have fixed that up, but so far it’s had no effect at all when it comes to feeling refreshed. The thing that came to her mind was the possibility of me having Lupus. My mom passed away of the disease 11 years ago and it runs in her family, so naturally I could also be stricken with said disease. I told her that I had gotten tested for it a few years back and came back negative but it was enough of a worry for her to tell my old man about it. Yesterday was his bi-weekly visit, so one of the first things he asked me was about my health. He suggested me eating something during the day to keep my energy level up since he knows I don’t eat lunch, and also possibly just resting more and taking a Tuesday off from seeing my grandparents to allow me to rest, but then I told him I couldn’t ever take a Tuesday off from the grandparents because the minute they are gone I know I’m going to have that regret of “hey lazy ass, remember when you chose to stay home instead of seeing them?! How rested are you now, you jerk?! You can’t see or talk to your grandparents anymore, so you can have all the time you want!” I don’t want to live with that on my conscience, so I’m going to spend every chance I can give myself with them to live without that regret. To hell with being tired. I’ll deal with it later. I don’t know when, but later.
Personally, I think I just need like 3-4 days straight of just staying home to recharge with no responsibilities to have to tend to. Wake up, clean the parts of the CPAP machine that I need to on a daily basis, fire up the TV to watch Good Morning Football if I wake up early enough to watch it, if not some sort of streaming app, make myself an awesome breakfast when the hunger hits, clean the kitchen after said meal, then just relax. Listen to music if the mood strikes. Lay in bed, watch movies or shows. Don’t even open the front door or open the blinds in the living room. Just be me, alone, for 72-96 hours, and pray that it fixes the thing that’s broken inside of me. Sadly, I don’t think I can pull this feat off anytime soon, but I can sure as hell try to squeeze in a day or two this long weekend that’s coming up.
And hey! My favorite time of the year is here. Thanksgiving is 24 days away; Christmas is next month, as is New Year’s Eve! Happy times are ahead, God willing.
Keep on keeping on, my friends.