Tag Archives: Future

Strikes and Gutters

Hi y’all!  Here I am again barely getting a chance to write some random thoughts about the things that have been going on in my life.  Holy smokes, what a crazy time it’s been for me lately too.  It seems like nearly half a lifetime since I’ve gotten the chance to jot down my thoughts, so I apologize for the randomness of this blog.  Actually, this blog has always been random, so I suppose I should apologize for the randomness of it all.  Ha!  Anyway, I don’t even know where I left off last sometime last month, so I’ll just pick up my life story from sometime this month.

The biggest thing I can say that’s been going on is my ongoing struggle with these mood swings of mine.  I know the cause of them by the way, but damn it sucks to have them!  I’m happy and content some days, ready to break down and cry the next.  It’s amazing what the influence of other people’s energy can do to your soul.  My soul happens to take the energy of people around me and convert it to my own and sometimes in the very negative.

Lately, it’s been due to a woman who I am (I should say was to be honest) romantically involved with.  For some insane and completely stupid reason, I keep trying to have this thing survive even though it’s on life support and brain dead.  Stupidly, I keep holding out hope for a miracle and that she’ll come to her senses and at least reciprocate my actions towards her, but so far nothing.  Honestly, I’m positive that she’s moved on from me and when I confronted her on it, she of course turned it around on me and made me the bad person, but I had the proof I needed in her words and from what I saw on social media.  It felt like I got punched by a life-sized boxing glove, but with the slightly positive things in my life that have been going on, I deflected it and only let it completely destroy me for a short time.  Spoiler alert, she again refused to let me go on with my life and I’m still stuck.  UGH.  I should just shut up about it until something more concrete happens, but just know that it’s the worst thing that has happened to me in probably 9-10 years, since the other bane of my romantic existence “Lady Voldemort” was in my life.

Now, in more happy news, things in my non-romantic personal life are pretty damn gangbusters.  My band, Searchlight Needles (look us up!), is gigging semi-regularly and we’re having fun AND getting paid doing it!  We actually have another show this Saturday night that I’m pretty excited about.  Now if only we could actually slow down just a bit in order to write some new music, we’d be going somewhere!  In time, I suppose!  Also, in a related topic, I came to a realization this past Saturday night.  One of our band friends were having a show at a bar close to where I was at that night and this band loves to bring up their fellow musician friends to play a few songs with them.  4/5ths of my band was there, so 3 of us went up there and played a song with the booked band’s guitarist and when people wanted another song, said guitarist pulled a rabbit out of his hat and was able to play this second song with us.  It was such a good feeling to play music with somebody new and still have it sound great!  The best part was when I thought we were done; I was asked to stay on the drums and play with another guest guitarist/vocalist and the booked band’s bassist.  We played 3 songs.  Two Johnny Cash classics and Pink Floyd’s “Comfortably Numb”.  I wasn’t sure what to expect as I had never even met this dude who was going to sing and play guitar, but this guy blew me away.  He was so talented.  The Johnny Cash tunes were great, and he played some awesome solos, but man, when we got to “Comfortably Numb”, he took things to another level.  I locked in with the bass player, dude sang his heart out, and played a 4+ minute solo and I was just in heaven.  I hadn’t felt so alive playing drums (even though they weren’t my drums) in such the longest time.  All I have to do is think about it and go back to that time and holy SMOKES!  It’s hard to describe the feeling.  It’s like excitement mixed in love, joy, a sprinkle of anxiety, and ecstasy all together.  The bar was packed and the majority of them were engaged and enjoying the performance and that just made all those feelings come rushing up to the surface.  It was then that I realized that playing music is what I should be doing with my life.  It’s my purpose.  It’s what God put me here on earth to do.  Nothing, aside from going to confession and Mass, makes me happier.  No offense to family and friends, but that’s the truth.  Playing music with people who are at least as talented as I am makes me the happiest.  I need more of that feeling in my life, so I hope to push the guys in my band to play more music.

Speaking of things that make me happy, camping season is coming right around the corner.  The season here in the southwest, or at least in the west Texas / southern New Mexico area is from April to October.  We (the band) didn’t really give ourselves the chance to head out last year and even though I could have gone by myself as I have before, it didn’t happen last year and now I’m dying to head out.  I stepped my game up with this year’s income tax return and bought a new tent, new air mattress (since my older one has some sort of small leak from where I assume is in the seams), and a brand-new camping chair.  I had my eye on the tent I bought for years.  There is nothing wrong with the tent I still have now, mind you, but this one that I got now is slightly larger and incorporates “dark room technology”.  That means that it’s dark in that tent all the time and is also supposedly cooler during the day too.  The only downside is that I’ve read from more than one review that the thing leaks in rainstorms.  Not good.  No bother though, I went out and purchased some seam sealer and I’m going to hope for the best.  Besides, the only things I keep in my tent when I camp are my air mattress, sometimes an extra blanket, whatever it is that I’m carrying my clothes in, my portable air pump in case I might need to reinflate said mattress, and hanging from the top, my fan/light combo.  It’s not like rain will completely flood the tent (in theory), so I’ll just put everything in a spot to keep it all dry if the seams leak and the sealer doesn’t do its job either.  I’m already happy with my purchase.  If I remember correctly, my old tent is 8×8 and the new one is 10×10, so I’m sure I’ll notice those extra two feet of comfort and darkness now, and that’s what matters the most to me.  As far as the new chair goes, I realized during my last camping trip that my chair started to hurt me with it’s support points on my thighs, so sitting for long periods of time wasn’t going to work out with the current chair I have.  It’s good for short bursts, but if I’m going to have a bit of a lounge act like we tend to do while camping, I’d have to invest in another chair.  Sure enough, I decided to buy a zero-gravity reclining lounger chair that has no points that can hurt any part of my legs (in theory).  I’ve had my eye on these new style chairs for a while now too but just never had the guts to just buy one until now too!  I figured the heck with it!  It felt awesome when I sat in one before, our next camping trip is coming up in 2 short months, why roll the dice and hope to not hurt sitting down and relaxing when I can just recline and relax instead?  So, heck yeah!  That’s what I plan to do.  Now, I just gotta get over to my dad’s house some weekend soon to pitch the new tent, seal the seams and pull out my camping gear to run an inventory and test the worthiness of it all so that I can be ready for when we head out.  I really hope that this is not the only trip we make this year.  Even if it’s the only one the band makes together, I’m planning on going out at least a few more times, even if it’s by myself.  I’m excited!

Well, there it is my friends.  A quick look into what’s going on with me right now.  A big time low being combated by two big time highs.  And that’s what really matters too.  We gotta find the highs to suppress the lows.  Take care of yourselves!  May God grant me the strength to assemble my brain’s thoughts into more words to share with you all!  I’ve been bad with that lately.

Sadness, Loneliness, Depression, Exhaustion, Burn Out, and Malaise: My Life’s Journey.

Happy November, y’all.  We made it to the end of the year.  Whoa.  Wait a minute.  2019 is almost over?!  I never did get quite used to knowing that we were living in this year.  If that makes any sense the way I put it, I suppose.  I guess it the year still feels like it’s too far in the future when I actually think or say the year to myself.  What can I say, I’m one of those people who think of the 1980’s when people say “remember 10, 15, 20 years ago when…”  Yep, that.  I think “yeah!  Hell yeah I remember 1987!”  To think, 1987 wasn’t 10 to 20 years ago.  Nope.  1987 was 32 years ago.  Whoops!  Hahaha!  So, yeah, 2019 is like flying cars future to my brain, not the present.  Now I’m going to have to get used to 2020 in less than 2 months!  I’m sure my brain is going to explode come January.

Anyway, I’ve been having a rough go at it lately.  I’ve been having a lot of times of sadness, loneliness, depression, exhaustion, burn out, and malaise.  I can’t really pinpoint the source, though, and that is making things a little bit frustrating.  All that is causing me to have a general bitter and angry baseline when it comes to emotional status and I don’t think a lot of my friends out here in the non-digital world are liking it too much.  Can’t say I blame them, though.  Seeing me not be a cheerful, joking dude must be a bit of an adjustment.  If I allow myself to think of it, I think I can put a finger on the cause of my problems.  In no order, I think I just have been overextending myself lately and not giving myself enough time to just rest.  It’s been a band practice here, visiting a friend’ house there, play some stupid gig for an hour (not even a full set) on two different occasions here (no, not worth it for me), family obligations there, all the while try and fit in me time into there somewhere.  I knew it would come to this too.  I would tell myself, “Dude, you’re gonna hit the burn out wall and you’re not going to like it.  It’s coming, dude.”  Sure enough I was cruising along at the speed of sound when out of nowhere came the unmovable wall and I hit it straight on.  All of this is compounded with my financial situation of living check to check, and my love life which is in the landfill section of life, so yeah… all of those negative feelings (and probably others that I can’t quite put a name to but they are there) just came out in large flooding event and I’ve been fighting the waves since then.

In a small moment of happiness, however, I befriended the strayed/probably abandoned cat that had been hanging around my apartment building since about May of this year.  She was God’s small gift to me…  Another living object to show compassion and love to without reservations or questions.  Spoilers, she’s been gone since last Wednesday morning which leads me to believe that somebody took her or the maintenance peeps at the complex called animal control and they picked her up.  In any event, the 3 weeks that we became friends helped me out during some of my dark times.  Her and I got into a routine where I’d let her into the flat in the mornings, she’d have a bit to eat, and she would spend some time with be before meowing to be let back out, then she’d go along the rest of the day while I was at work and she would show back around in the late afternoon/evening where she’d have another snack and we’d hang out some more.  I would like to think I was giving her comfort and compassion and even if she didn’t intend to, she did the same to me.  In the days since she’s been gone, I’ve joked to myself that she’s been a typical woman in my life.  Shows up, everything is cool, but the minute I show love and provide a meal, she bails.  L O L!!!!!!!!  It’s sad but true.

Anyway, this damn black cloud of mine has started to affect my energy levels to the point that I am sure that I scared my grandma and my dad.  Last week, during my weekly Tuesday visit with my grandparents, I told my grandma that I have been just tired every single day lately and no matter how much I sleep I still hit a wall of exhaustion.  My CPAP machine of doom should have fixed that up, but so far it’s had no effect at all when it comes to feeling refreshed.  The thing that came to her mind was the possibility of me having Lupus.  My mom passed away of the disease 11 years ago and it runs in her family, so naturally I could also be stricken with said disease.  I told her that I had gotten tested for it a few years back and came back negative but it was enough of a worry for her to tell my old man about it.  Yesterday was his bi-weekly visit, so one of the first things he asked me was about my health.  He suggested me eating something during the day to keep my energy level up since he knows I don’t eat lunch, and also possibly just resting more and taking a Tuesday off from seeing my grandparents to allow me to rest, but then I told him I couldn’t ever take a Tuesday off from the grandparents because the minute they are gone I know I’m going to have that regret of “hey lazy ass, remember when you chose to stay home instead of seeing them?!  How rested are you now, you jerk?!  You can’t see or talk to your grandparents anymore, so you can have all the time you want!”  I don’t want to live with that on my conscience, so I’m going to spend every chance I can give myself with them to live without that regret.  To hell with being tired.  I’ll deal with it later.  I don’t know when, but later.

Personally, I think I just need like 3-4 days straight of just staying home to recharge with no responsibilities to have to tend to.  Wake up, clean the parts of the CPAP machine that I need to on a daily basis, fire up the TV to watch Good Morning Football if I wake up early enough to watch it, if not some sort of streaming app, make myself an awesome breakfast when the hunger hits, clean the kitchen after said meal, then just relax.  Listen to music if the mood strikes.  Lay in bed, watch movies or shows.  Don’t even open the front door or open the blinds in the living room.  Just be me, alone, for 72-96 hours, and pray that it fixes the thing that’s broken inside of me.  Sadly, I don’t think I can pull this feat off anytime soon, but I can sure as hell try to squeeze in a day or two this long weekend that’s coming up.

And hey!  My favorite time of the year is here.  Thanksgiving is 24 days away; Christmas is next month, as is New Year’s Eve!  Happy times are ahead, God willing.

Keep on keeping on, my friends.

This and That in September

Hi y’all!  Long time no talk.  I know my last 10 or so blog posts have been brief, but that’s due in part to the lack of time I’ve been giving to really formulate my thoughts.  Believe me, there are a lot of thoughts that have been going through my head lately.  Much like most if not all of my blog posts, I’m just going to start typing and see where this one goes.  Bear with me, y’all!

So, where should I start?  I think I’m going to start off with October 5, 2020.  That’s the date that I either get paid $113 or I owe a friend $113.  The reason for that odd number (and yes that triggers my OCD like feelings) is that as of September 9th, that’s rounded up to how many pounds I need to lose to get to my goal weight.  I took the high and the low numbers from an ideal weight calculator website that takes 5 popular formulas, and found the average to be 137.6 pounds.  I know, it sounds insane to some people, especially those who know me in the outside world, but I think I’m going to do it.  Now, I really have no choice, unless my friend tells me to stop because I look sick or something.  I know I’m only 9 days out from the true beginning of this journey, but I’m feeling really good about it all.  I expected a big loss quickly, and sure enough I got it at my first weigh in, but now I’m motivated for the long haul.  I’ve even already gotten to the point of me going a full hour on the arc trainer and elliptical machines to burn off a lot of calories.  I know I can do this and I don’t even need any kind of support system to do it.  I’m doing this out of sheer curiosity and willpower.  I know I’m going to get to my goal weight before next October 5th, but it’s just a matter of when.  If I push myself to lose 3 pounds a week, I might even reach my goal on June 1st of this coming year.  A full 5 months ahead of schedule.  I think I can do that too.  Like I was telling my bandmates/best friends, I really have two goals in mind right now.  First one is to get down to my lowest adult weight that I ended up hitting like 6 years ago.  I decided to celebrate that a little too much and derailed the whole thing.  Secondly, after that, I’m going to keep going and instead of looking too far ahead, I’m going to take things 5 pounds at a time.  Before I know it, I’ll be where I need to be.  That thought actually excites me too, and does not scare me at all.  I’m looking forward to each 5lb checkpoint.  Smaller goals will mean that I’ll get to the ultimate goal in the end.  I’ll be sure to continually check in with my progress here!

As for other things in my life, I seem to have messed up the balance with things yet again.  My love life is a complete disaster which is trying it’s best to really mess with my depression, but otherwise my mental health has taken a turn for the better and has given me the will to succeed at the other aspects of my life.  My spiritual journey as I walk with Christ is good.  I mean, it can always be better, but I feel like I grow and learn more every single day.  My passion for organization and cleanliness has also ramped up.  I know that’s an annoying shock to my friends in the outside world too as they say that I’m already too much of a clean freak and am OCD with my organization.  Little do they know that I’ve only scratched the surface of that quirk of mine!  So, we’ll see how this little journey of mine goes.  I’m really curious to see if my focus on God and keeping things in clean order stay or exceed their current levels.

In a last bit of things that I wanted to mention and talk about was general human interaction and the perceived difference between the two sexes (YES, I said two!).  The reason I bring this up is because in my talks with my female friends, I find that these friends of mine either end up messing around with complete douchebags or get their hopes up and played by complete douchebags, then I get to hear the “well, guys are horrible!” blast.  I, of course, take great offense to that because even though they don’t believe me until they really notice my behavior, they think I’m just standing up for manhood.  No, it’s not that, it’s just that I hate to be lumped in with guys who use women like objects and don’t show them any respect.  I know I think this way, but I’ve actually been told that I think like a woman.  It’s probably because I was primarily raised by my mom as my dad worked his ass off to provide for us.  That’s why I keep such a clean house like I do.  That’s why I know how to cook the dishes I do and love to do that by the way, that’s why I don’t do the typical male things (I don’t know which ones, you pick one!) either.  I’m just wired differently.  I see a lot of things from the female prospective.  Hell, I even love in dating-esque relationships like a woman, so I think that has a lot to do with the fact that I seem to always either get cheated on, or otherwise mistreated in my relationships.  I’ve been told by female friends that they want men to act like men.  Obviously I get confused at that, because what is a man supposed to act like?  Chauvinistic?  Because if that’s it, then to hell with that!  I just don’t understand.  I’m not innocent in the dating life.  I know I make mistakes, but showing respect and treating everybody the way I would want to be treated is always rule number one with me.  I only actually stand up for myself and defend myself when I just get pushed too far.  There’s only so much abuse, disrespect, etc. that I can take before I break.

The thing that got me into this tangent was a co-worker of mine who talks to me about her dating adventures sometimes.  Homegirl was raised very traditionally Mexican and I’m sure has the mentality of men having to do all the work in the relationship (meaning, calling first, inviting out for dates, etc.  that type of thing).  She felt so embarrassed to ask a guy to see a movie with her.  Of course he didn’t respond to her, so she felt even worse and hated the feeling of rejection.  I found it so comical when she told me that she felt embarrassed and rejected because when I said “How do you think I felt all the times that happened?!  That’s why I stopped!” to her response of “but you’re a guy!”  Then I shook my head in shame because in her mind, apparently men have no sense of rejection, embarrassment, or shame.  To her, apparently, men go out to conquer women and get whatever it is that they are looking for then move on.  They are like animals, spreading their seed, unwilling to settle down with one woman.  It’s kinda sad that she has this warped world view.  Maybe it’s the horribly corrupt world we live in now, maybe it’s something else.  God knows what it may be, but I know I can’t be the only male out there who treats their date/girlfriend/wife with just common respect and dignity, right?  Needless to say, I told her that she’s got a lot to learn about the opposite sex, but that my proverbial door is always open if she needed to talk about anything.

So there it is, my friends.  Time to get at this thing we call life!

Talk again soon!

Accidents in Emotion

What is it about the connections we have with other people sometimes?  Some people can have the biggest impact on our emotional well-being and we don’t even know it until it’s too late.  Over the past few days, I’ve had to deal with depression, sadness, anger, stress, and anxiety just to name a few because of the effect that somebody has over me.  It happens, I guess, but I hate that I allow it to happen.  I’ve been so busy as well, that I haven’t even gotten the chance to allow myself to think and process these emotions.  What’s going to come out of them?  I don’t know, but it’s affecting my everyday life.  I don’t want to feel this way, because I know me.  I’m going to make dumb decisions that will affect my life if I don’t allow myself to take a breather and chill.  By the way, I should say with that last sentence, I’m not talking about self-harm or anything like that.  I’m talking about personal life decisions that will affect me long term.

All I need to do is just hang out through today and into tomorrow afternoon, then God willing I’ll give myself a chance to just let my emotions go and do what they need to do so that I can try and regain peace.  Sigh.  It seems like every few years after having such a great run emotionally and mentally, I get in to the proverbial violent car crash that makes me have to do build myself back together all over again.  I hate having to do this dance over and over again.  I’m just tired of it.  Who knows?  Maybe my luck in my personal life will change for good FOR ONCE soon.  I’m not holding my breath.  In the meantime, it’s rebuild time coming soon.

Later y’all.

We’ve Peaked as a Species

Hey y’all!  I’m back!  Actually, I’ve wanted to write about a lot of subjects over the past few weeks, but life keeps getting in the way, you know?  In any event, I was having a conversation with my heterosexual lifemate yesterday about the documentary entitled Behind the Curve and homeboy told me to watch it, even after spoiling the whole thing for the most part.  I figured “why not?” as I was really intrigued by the idea that people actually truly believe the notion that the earth is flat.  *spoilers* It’s not!

Here’s my main thought about it all.  We, as a species, have gotten completely stupid.  Yeah, I said it.  Stupid.  I mean, we peaked a generation or two ago, apparently, and now we’re on the downturn.  What the HELL is wrong with people?!  The freedom to believe whatever your little heart desires has created monsters of all shapes and sizes!  There are now conspiracies about everything because we’re allowed to believe whatever we want even if there is undeniable proof to counter our beliefs.

I mean, at first I thought things like this were a joke, you know?  Hell, I even still throw out the joke to my friends sometimes (as a clear joke by the way) that we never landed on the moon.  Some people are convinced that we didn’t!  I mean, what the hell?!   I may offend people with what I’m about to say, well unless you’re a flat earther or a moon landing denier and are already offended, but these people along with the anti vaxxers, atheists, the believers in the illuminati/new world order (personally I’m [nWo] 4-Life but that’s a wrestling faction!  LOL!!!), and most politically conservative people, etc. need serious mental help.  SERIOUSLY.  It’s getting out of freakin’ hand.  Every one of them suffer from the Dunning-Kruger effect and they need serious psychological help.  That’s really what it’s going to take for us as a species to stop the madness.  These people are seriously mentally disturbed and it’s ruining our society.  And what’s worse is that if you call any of them out on their complete craziness and irrational behavior and thoughts, they get even more bent out of shape about it.  We’re quickly slipping into the world of Idiocracy.  Before we know it, we’re going to be watching movies like “ASS” on our 4K television screens because that’s what is going to entertain us all while watering our plants with energy drinks like Brawndo because we’re going to be too stupid to know any better.  That is if we survive that long in the first place.

God bless us all.  WOW.