Tag Archives: Family

Happy for the Holidays

Hi y’all!  Can you believe it?  We’re two weeks away from Thanksgiving here in the U.S. and the full swing of the holidays is upon us.  It’s been a very quick last half of the year by all accounts.  It feels like it was just yesterday that it was the beginning of July and now we’re halfway through November.  Where does the time go?  I mean, I’m a believer that time starts to fly by faster the older we get, but holy smokes, this is the fastest time has passed by in my memory.  I can’t complain about it though, I love the holiday season.  I enjoy watching the holiday commercials on TV (yeah, I actually watch over the air TV sometimes.  Well, it’s mainly NFL Network and whatever networks the sports I love are on, but still!), and my favorite morning of the year, Thanksgiving, brings about the excitement of said day coming at us very quickly.  I actually have the majority of the day already planned out yearly.  I get up at around 6:45am, fire up the TV, and tune it to the local NBC affiliate as the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade begins at 7am.  I either enjoy a cup of eggnog or coffee while watching the parade, and about midway through it I set up my Christmas tree too!  I purposely bought a Peanuts Charlie Brown Christmas Tree that I made extra snazzy with a small set of white string lights that I have wrapped around the branch.  It looks cool!  Once Santa Claus brings up the rear of the parade and the hosts of the show wish us all a happy holiday season, I tune to the football games on and get the kitchen cleaned up and prepped for the traditional thanksgiving meal.  By that time my favorite NFL team, The Dallas Cowboys, game is on, so I make sure to watch all of that.  About halftime or so is when I set the oven to start up so that by about 3-5pm, the turkey and ham are warmed up and ready to go.  Then it’s dinner, more eggnog, and Christmas music.  I love it so much.  It breaks my heart that I see a lot of my friends hate on the holiday season so much and Christmas music even more.  I know at least some of these friends of mine are atheists and I’ve almost been tempted to tell them to stop giving their kids gifts on December 25th because if they don’t believe in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, what’s the point of taking part in one of the acts of celebrating His birthday?  Then again, I’m super non-confrontational, so I just let bygones be bygones.  I think I will start posting Christmas songs on Facebook, though!  Somebody has to keep the Christmas spirit going, right?!  Oh man, speaking of Christmas!!!  I think I’m going to really try to watch as many Christmas movies as I can this year.  There are so many to choose from on Netflix and now Disney+!  That doesn’t even include my annual Christmas Day personal film festival that I throw myself.  In no particular order, I watch the following films annually on Christmas Day:  Batman Returns, Friday After Next, Gremlins (sometimes), A Christmas Story, Polar Express, and Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer (the original Rankin & Bass production) while wearing comfy attire and drinking eggnog and coffee.  I don’t really know why, but I really feel to be in the holiday spirit this year.  I’m not going to complain, though.  It feels good to feel good, if that makes any sense.  I must take advantage of the good feelings while I got them, right?

Well, if you celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Year’s Eve/Day (which I haven’t even talked about either!), I hope and pray that the holiday spirit has hit you too!  What are some of your traditions for the holiday season?

Talk again soon!

Sadness, Loneliness, Depression, Exhaustion, Burn Out, and Malaise: My Life’s Journey.

Happy November, y’all.  We made it to the end of the year.  Whoa.  Wait a minute.  2019 is almost over?!  I never did get quite used to knowing that we were living in this year.  If that makes any sense the way I put it, I suppose.  I guess it the year still feels like it’s too far in the future when I actually think or say the year to myself.  What can I say, I’m one of those people who think of the 1980’s when people say “remember 10, 15, 20 years ago when…”  Yep, that.  I think “yeah!  Hell yeah I remember 1987!”  To think, 1987 wasn’t 10 to 20 years ago.  Nope.  1987 was 32 years ago.  Whoops!  Hahaha!  So, yeah, 2019 is like flying cars future to my brain, not the present.  Now I’m going to have to get used to 2020 in less than 2 months!  I’m sure my brain is going to explode come January.

Anyway, I’ve been having a rough go at it lately.  I’ve been having a lot of times of sadness, loneliness, depression, exhaustion, burn out, and malaise.  I can’t really pinpoint the source, though, and that is making things a little bit frustrating.  All that is causing me to have a general bitter and angry baseline when it comes to emotional status and I don’t think a lot of my friends out here in the non-digital world are liking it too much.  Can’t say I blame them, though.  Seeing me not be a cheerful, joking dude must be a bit of an adjustment.  If I allow myself to think of it, I think I can put a finger on the cause of my problems.  In no order, I think I just have been overextending myself lately and not giving myself enough time to just rest.  It’s been a band practice here, visiting a friend’ house there, play some stupid gig for an hour (not even a full set) on two different occasions here (no, not worth it for me), family obligations there, all the while try and fit in me time into there somewhere.  I knew it would come to this too.  I would tell myself, “Dude, you’re gonna hit the burn out wall and you’re not going to like it.  It’s coming, dude.”  Sure enough I was cruising along at the speed of sound when out of nowhere came the unmovable wall and I hit it straight on.  All of this is compounded with my financial situation of living check to check, and my love life which is in the landfill section of life, so yeah… all of those negative feelings (and probably others that I can’t quite put a name to but they are there) just came out in large flooding event and I’ve been fighting the waves since then.

In a small moment of happiness, however, I befriended the strayed/probably abandoned cat that had been hanging around my apartment building since about May of this year.  She was God’s small gift to me…  Another living object to show compassion and love to without reservations or questions.  Spoilers, she’s been gone since last Wednesday morning which leads me to believe that somebody took her or the maintenance peeps at the complex called animal control and they picked her up.  In any event, the 3 weeks that we became friends helped me out during some of my dark times.  Her and I got into a routine where I’d let her into the flat in the mornings, she’d have a bit to eat, and she would spend some time with be before meowing to be let back out, then she’d go along the rest of the day while I was at work and she would show back around in the late afternoon/evening where she’d have another snack and we’d hang out some more.  I would like to think I was giving her comfort and compassion and even if she didn’t intend to, she did the same to me.  In the days since she’s been gone, I’ve joked to myself that she’s been a typical woman in my life.  Shows up, everything is cool, but the minute I show love and provide a meal, she bails.  L O L!!!!!!!!  It’s sad but true.

Anyway, this damn black cloud of mine has started to affect my energy levels to the point that I am sure that I scared my grandma and my dad.  Last week, during my weekly Tuesday visit with my grandparents, I told my grandma that I have been just tired every single day lately and no matter how much I sleep I still hit a wall of exhaustion.  My CPAP machine of doom should have fixed that up, but so far it’s had no effect at all when it comes to feeling refreshed.  The thing that came to her mind was the possibility of me having Lupus.  My mom passed away of the disease 11 years ago and it runs in her family, so naturally I could also be stricken with said disease.  I told her that I had gotten tested for it a few years back and came back negative but it was enough of a worry for her to tell my old man about it.  Yesterday was his bi-weekly visit, so one of the first things he asked me was about my health.  He suggested me eating something during the day to keep my energy level up since he knows I don’t eat lunch, and also possibly just resting more and taking a Tuesday off from seeing my grandparents to allow me to rest, but then I told him I couldn’t ever take a Tuesday off from the grandparents because the minute they are gone I know I’m going to have that regret of “hey lazy ass, remember when you chose to stay home instead of seeing them?!  How rested are you now, you jerk?!  You can’t see or talk to your grandparents anymore, so you can have all the time you want!”  I don’t want to live with that on my conscience, so I’m going to spend every chance I can give myself with them to live without that regret.  To hell with being tired.  I’ll deal with it later.  I don’t know when, but later.

Personally, I think I just need like 3-4 days straight of just staying home to recharge with no responsibilities to have to tend to.  Wake up, clean the parts of the CPAP machine that I need to on a daily basis, fire up the TV to watch Good Morning Football if I wake up early enough to watch it, if not some sort of streaming app, make myself an awesome breakfast when the hunger hits, clean the kitchen after said meal, then just relax.  Listen to music if the mood strikes.  Lay in bed, watch movies or shows.  Don’t even open the front door or open the blinds in the living room.  Just be me, alone, for 72-96 hours, and pray that it fixes the thing that’s broken inside of me.  Sadly, I don’t think I can pull this feat off anytime soon, but I can sure as hell try to squeeze in a day or two this long weekend that’s coming up.

And hey!  My favorite time of the year is here.  Thanksgiving is 24 days away; Christmas is next month, as is New Year’s Eve!  Happy times are ahead, God willing.

Keep on keeping on, my friends.

This and That in September

Hi y’all!  Long time no talk.  I know my last 10 or so blog posts have been brief, but that’s due in part to the lack of time I’ve been giving to really formulate my thoughts.  Believe me, there are a lot of thoughts that have been going through my head lately.  Much like most if not all of my blog posts, I’m just going to start typing and see where this one goes.  Bear with me, y’all!

So, where should I start?  I think I’m going to start off with October 5, 2020.  That’s the date that I either get paid $113 or I owe a friend $113.  The reason for that odd number (and yes that triggers my OCD like feelings) is that as of September 9th, that’s rounded up to how many pounds I need to lose to get to my goal weight.  I took the high and the low numbers from an ideal weight calculator website that takes 5 popular formulas, and found the average to be 137.6 pounds.  I know, it sounds insane to some people, especially those who know me in the outside world, but I think I’m going to do it.  Now, I really have no choice, unless my friend tells me to stop because I look sick or something.  I know I’m only 9 days out from the true beginning of this journey, but I’m feeling really good about it all.  I expected a big loss quickly, and sure enough I got it at my first weigh in, but now I’m motivated for the long haul.  I’ve even already gotten to the point of me going a full hour on the arc trainer and elliptical machines to burn off a lot of calories.  I know I can do this and I don’t even need any kind of support system to do it.  I’m doing this out of sheer curiosity and willpower.  I know I’m going to get to my goal weight before next October 5th, but it’s just a matter of when.  If I push myself to lose 3 pounds a week, I might even reach my goal on June 1st of this coming year.  A full 5 months ahead of schedule.  I think I can do that too.  Like I was telling my bandmates/best friends, I really have two goals in mind right now.  First one is to get down to my lowest adult weight that I ended up hitting like 6 years ago.  I decided to celebrate that a little too much and derailed the whole thing.  Secondly, after that, I’m going to keep going and instead of looking too far ahead, I’m going to take things 5 pounds at a time.  Before I know it, I’ll be where I need to be.  That thought actually excites me too, and does not scare me at all.  I’m looking forward to each 5lb checkpoint.  Smaller goals will mean that I’ll get to the ultimate goal in the end.  I’ll be sure to continually check in with my progress here!

As for other things in my life, I seem to have messed up the balance with things yet again.  My love life is a complete disaster which is trying it’s best to really mess with my depression, but otherwise my mental health has taken a turn for the better and has given me the will to succeed at the other aspects of my life.  My spiritual journey as I walk with Christ is good.  I mean, it can always be better, but I feel like I grow and learn more every single day.  My passion for organization and cleanliness has also ramped up.  I know that’s an annoying shock to my friends in the outside world too as they say that I’m already too much of a clean freak and am OCD with my organization.  Little do they know that I’ve only scratched the surface of that quirk of mine!  So, we’ll see how this little journey of mine goes.  I’m really curious to see if my focus on God and keeping things in clean order stay or exceed their current levels.

In a last bit of things that I wanted to mention and talk about was general human interaction and the perceived difference between the two sexes (YES, I said two!).  The reason I bring this up is because in my talks with my female friends, I find that these friends of mine either end up messing around with complete douchebags or get their hopes up and played by complete douchebags, then I get to hear the “well, guys are horrible!” blast.  I, of course, take great offense to that because even though they don’t believe me until they really notice my behavior, they think I’m just standing up for manhood.  No, it’s not that, it’s just that I hate to be lumped in with guys who use women like objects and don’t show them any respect.  I know I think this way, but I’ve actually been told that I think like a woman.  It’s probably because I was primarily raised by my mom as my dad worked his ass off to provide for us.  That’s why I keep such a clean house like I do.  That’s why I know how to cook the dishes I do and love to do that by the way, that’s why I don’t do the typical male things (I don’t know which ones, you pick one!) either.  I’m just wired differently.  I see a lot of things from the female prospective.  Hell, I even love in dating-esque relationships like a woman, so I think that has a lot to do with the fact that I seem to always either get cheated on, or otherwise mistreated in my relationships.  I’ve been told by female friends that they want men to act like men.  Obviously I get confused at that, because what is a man supposed to act like?  Chauvinistic?  Because if that’s it, then to hell with that!  I just don’t understand.  I’m not innocent in the dating life.  I know I make mistakes, but showing respect and treating everybody the way I would want to be treated is always rule number one with me.  I only actually stand up for myself and defend myself when I just get pushed too far.  There’s only so much abuse, disrespect, etc. that I can take before I break.

The thing that got me into this tangent was a co-worker of mine who talks to me about her dating adventures sometimes.  Homegirl was raised very traditionally Mexican and I’m sure has the mentality of men having to do all the work in the relationship (meaning, calling first, inviting out for dates, etc.  that type of thing).  She felt so embarrassed to ask a guy to see a movie with her.  Of course he didn’t respond to her, so she felt even worse and hated the feeling of rejection.  I found it so comical when she told me that she felt embarrassed and rejected because when I said “How do you think I felt all the times that happened?!  That’s why I stopped!” to her response of “but you’re a guy!”  Then I shook my head in shame because in her mind, apparently men have no sense of rejection, embarrassment, or shame.  To her, apparently, men go out to conquer women and get whatever it is that they are looking for then move on.  They are like animals, spreading their seed, unwilling to settle down with one woman.  It’s kinda sad that she has this warped world view.  Maybe it’s the horribly corrupt world we live in now, maybe it’s something else.  God knows what it may be, but I know I can’t be the only male out there who treats their date/girlfriend/wife with just common respect and dignity, right?  Needless to say, I told her that she’s got a lot to learn about the opposite sex, but that my proverbial door is always open if she needed to talk about anything.

So there it is, my friends.  Time to get at this thing we call life!

Talk again soon!

Saturday in El Paso, Texas

As of this writing, it’s been 48 hours since a 21 year old kid drove 9 or so hours from the northern part of my state to my city to kill people like me.  Hispanic people whether or not they were born here in the United States (like me) or whether or not they crossed over from our sister city, Ciudad Juarez, Chihuahua, Mexico… either way this maniac wanted us dead.

It was a normal Saturday morning for me.  I was trying to enjoy my one day a week that I don’t wake up to an alarm and get my day started.  The plan for the day was to get up to make breakfast, clean the kitchen up, get a list of things to buy across the street from me at Target for my trip to the DFW area this coming weekend, go to the gym, hit up said Target, then get back home to shower and catch up with Netflix and Hulu as much as I could.

In the middle of cleaning the kitchen up and watching something that I already forget that I had on just as background noise, one of my bandmates started up our group chat on Facebook messenger saying “Hey stay away from the Cielo Vista area…there is an active shooter at the Walmart”.  It was about 11:15ish or so.  Yeah, I was getting the day started a bit later than I wanted to, but my initial reaction was something along the lines of “damn.  Maybe some person just either specifically shot at somebody else or they accidentally fired a gun or something.” Not what was actually going down.  Shortly after his message, however, more information started flooding in.  I turned my cable box on (yeah, I still have cable.  The apartment complex provides it for us, so I use it for some channels) and switched it to the local news stations.  KTSM was first.  Nothing.  Just a message scrolling along the bottom of the screen saying that the message my friend had sent and that they had a crew heading that way.  KVIA had nothing yet.  KFOX and KDBC had nothing either.  So more reason not to kinda worry.  And I say kinda worry because to put things in perspective, the Walmart where this went down is THREE MILES from where I live.

To be honest, I never go to that particular Walmart because it’s just too damn crazy all the time and it’s an older model store that doesn’t have the same layout as the newest versions of their stores are.  As I’ve said a few times here, my introversion drives me away from really crowded places like that, as it’s always an adventure just trying to find a parking spot there, much less to get through their isles to try to find the things I need to get.  I go to one that is 2 miles further away from me, but is newer and has a little bit more breathing room for me to navigate through.  It’s still chaotic, mind you, but I’m used to that chaos.  Same goes for the location by my dad’s house that I’ll go to sometimes.  Oddly enough, I actually DID go to the Walmart by my dad’s house on Friday night because I filled my gas tank up at one of the stations in his neighborhood because the prices are routinely 10-25 cents cheaper than ones near me.  Those cents add up considering I’m filling a 32 gallon capacity tank.  Anyway, after thanking God for making it to the gas station, as I was running on fumes, I drove the 3 minutes up to the Walmart, got critical groceries (since I just got paid that day and kinda live check to check most of the time), then drove back home to put the stuff up, then hit up the gym.

Back to the point and back to Saturday morning 11:30ish AM…

The group text goes on saying that it was on Fox News.  I tuned the TV to that and it was on commercial, so I switched it to MSNBC and that’s where I saw the headline on the bottom about it being a mass shooting and dozens were hurt and dead.  WHOA.  Word starts to get out even more and I started getting messages that there were multiple shooters and were going to target multiple locations.  El Paso was going to be a warzone starting NOW.  Next place in line was Bassett Place.  Bassett Place is a mall with two large anchor tenants on either side of the mall.  Costco is on one end and Target is on the other.  As I mentioned a few paragraphs ago, Bassett Place is essentially across the street from where I live.  Stupid me, not really thinking about it then, or whatever… I don’t know… go outside to throw an empty gallon of distilled water container in the dumpster about 25 feet from my door.  I can see the main street, Montana, from there (sorta) and I saw flashing emergency vehicle lights and heard their sirens.  They were probably going to Bassett.  Again, at this point, the fear or whatever didn’t kick in.  I don’t even know why not.  So strange right?  Best thing I can think of putting into words of what I was thinking at the time was “Heh.  Nah, man.  Nothing’s happening at Bassett right now.  Units are probably rushing up from the firehouse and stuff on Chelsea or something going to Cielo Vista.” And I walked back inside.  I got a group text from my dad including my sister about this point too, making sure we were ok.  That’s when another moment of heart dropping came into play.  For two reasons.  First of all, there could have been a very slight chance my sister could have been there.  She’s closer to the one I go to as well, but you never know.  She could have possibly gone there as I remember she has said she has before.  Secondly, what could my dad have been thinking?  He knows both of us are early risers and that we shop for groceries on Saturdays sometimes.  I can’t even imagine the terror he felt wondering if one or both of his children were dead, or if one or both of his grandchildren were dead.  I reply right away that I was home cleaning up the kitchen and my sister replied a few minutes after saying that they were safe.  WHEW!!!   Shortly after that, I get this message on my phone:

Active

Shit got REAL then.  “ALL El Paso City/County residents are asked to shelter”?  My dumb ass was just outside throwing away something that could have waited and I put myself in harm’s way.  I saw the damn emergency vehicles!  I’m right next to another potential place of harm where bad people could run toward to try and escape, and there I was… walking out there.  HELL NO.  I tuned it to the local NBC affiliate, KTSM, who by then started to broadcast.  Multiple reports started coming out, messages were flying from friends.  Horizon City was next; Bassett was next, this was a coordinated attack by a large group of people.  I was in the line of fire.  Even if it was just one person, that one person was 3 miles away from me and could very well be heading my way. I was just frozen, I guess.  I didn’t think about this until later on in the night, but if for some reason somebody was going to spray bullets at my apartment unit… there was little in between the wall and me.  Just my new 4K UHD TV that wouldn’t stop a bullet and that was about it.  Even if I were to somehow fly over my couch, that’s just wood, suede, and foam.  Still not enough to stop bullets.  People started messaging me or commenting on my Facebook posts to stay inside and don’t leave my house.  HELL NO!  DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME TWICE!  I’M STAYING IN!  I started checking the police department twitter feed as that’s where the information was coming through and I see this:

Tweet

Holy smokes.  Multiple reports of multiple shooters?  THEY are confirming it!  So, I blast out the screenshot of the emergency text telling people to not open up their doors if anybody knocks unless it’s the cops.  At this point, I think my nerves are starting to kick in.  I was flipping channels between KTSM, MSNBC, CNN, and Fox News trying to find the latest news and all they were saying and showing at that point were people coming out of Cielo Vista Mall but nothing about Walmart.  Then word came out that the shooter had been apprehended.  EPPD was still securing the situation and verifying if there were any more shooters.  At the time, they believed there was only one, but still be vigilant, they said.  Okay.  So, by 2 or so, it was confirmed to be all over.  The wild reports of possible things in different places were dying down.  KTSM had a screenshot of the killer at the front entrance, gun on him, ear and eye protection on probably about to shoot people as seen from the security camera.  Same description as what an eye witness said she saw of a man shooting at people in cars walking along the road.  Same description of a man, El Paso Police took into custody without incident on Viscount and Sunmount streets.  It was really over, but that was just the beginning for me.  I was glued to the TV.  I didn’t want to even go outside.  What for?  I was on social media scrolling my timeline on twitter catching updates from the local reporters I follow, checking the EPPD twitter feed that I follow too, but wasn’t getting messages on for some reason, checking Facebook and doing something I thought I’d never have to do… mark myself safe so that everybody could see I was still alive.  Businesses started posting that they were closing for the day out of respect of the situation and out of the safety of their employees.  Honestly, I didn’t even want to be out anyway.  Then again, when do i?  But even more so then.  Friends started sharing their stories and the focus of the day shifted to starting to repair our lives.  It wasn’t without incident for me, though.  My nerves were shot and I was on edge.  Sometime around 4 or so I heard a snap outside my door like the snapping of a piece of paper or one of those snap firecracker things and I immediately jolted.  I was still traumatized.  I stayed glued to the TV until about 9:30 or so when I took a shower, turned the TV off, and went to my room to pray and try to get some sleep.

I was worried about what Sunday morning would bring.  I was going to fulfill my Sunday Obligation and go to Low Mass at my FSSP apostolate downtown like do every Sunday, which is heading away from the massacre, but all the while I was wondering who was going to be there.  Were the pews going to be overfilling with people coming to seek comfort and/or get back to God?  Or were people going to stay away in fear?  It was pretty much a normal Sunday.  I saw the usual congregation that attends the 8am Low Mass.  Father O’Neil started off his homily with us all reciting an Our Father and 3 Hail Mary’s then intertwined his already prepared sermon with the tragedy that unfolded Saturday morning.  I still needed to get those things for my road trip to Dallas this Friday and maybe something to make for dinner, but I didn’t want to go to a store.  It just didn’t feel right yet, respectful yet, to carry on less than 24 hours after probably the worst day in El Paso’s history like nothing happened.  I talked to a few friends, and one like me, was too afraid to go out.  Just sad and depressed.  All of the people I talked to were.  I offered to go pick my friend up that needed groceries, but she declined as she was going to go to her parents’ house and swim with her daughter and her daughter’s friends.  I had made up my mind to not go out either unless it was to help a friend, so I just stayed inside.  I didn’t know how to feel at that moment.

Coming to work today was the same thing.  Just the unknown to deal with.  We had a town hall to start the day where management told us that it was ok to feel however it is that we feel.  Some cried, some felt anger, some just felt sad.  I’m in the sad camp, but I’m writing this out now because writing is how I rid myself of negative thoughts.

So, El Paso will start to pick up the pieces.  This kid drove 9 hours to our community to try and break our spirit and our love, but he didn’t and could never.  We’re probably closer now than ever before.  This picture below here may depict how we feel.  Amigo Man (the official El Paso mascot), Chico (the El Paso Chihuahuas our AAA Baseball Team mascot), and Paydirt Pete (UTEP’s Mascot) are all crying, consoling each other, but we’ll all pull through better on the other side.  Hug your friends and family whenever you can.  Tell the people that you love that you love them, each chance you get, because something like this can happen to you.

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Eleven Years Gone

Hi y’all!  Long time no talk.  Trust me, I’ve started and erased a few blogs here and there with all the crap that has been going on in my life, but in retrospect, I guess it’s good that those rants/ideas/what-have-yous went unwritten and unpublished.

Today brings about a sad day for me.  Yes, I am very much aware that today is D-Day, but for me today marks the day that my life changed.  Today, 11 years ago, my mom passed away quietly and peacefully surrounded by her brothers and sister, my grandparents (dad’s parents), my sister, father, and I.  Just typing that brought me back to that moment having to be gloved and gowned up in her room, telling her how much I loved her hoping that that was the last thing she heard before going to purgatory.  Shit, I’m crying now.  Gotta keep it together.

Well, 11 years have passed since then and many things have changed.  Dad got remarried, I have gone through a few horrible heart crushing relationships, I became very much closer to God, and sister and her husband had two boys whom I love to death.  Those are just some of the things that have happened.  Of course there’s a lot more, but the overwhelming hurt is still just as fresh as it was that afternoon in that hospital room in Lubbock, Texas eleven years ago.  Maybe I should have talked to somebody like my dad was forced to do (and didn’t really get anything out of it, mind you) because the minute that I really give it thought, I break apart.  Maybe that’s normal?  I don’t know.  It’s my normal.  There’s still so much that I wanted to share with my mom and have things to learn from her.  49.8 years on Earth is all God had lined up for her and 27.5 of my years with her is all He gave me, but I’m grateful for every one of those.

So, with that said, even though I’m booked up after work today for a bit, I’m going to take some time out of my day when I get home to think of her and remember to try every day to be better so that I can make her proud of me.

Keep me in your prayers, y’all.

Give Life a Chance

Hi y’all!  I’m back with more fun and thoughtful words that have been swirling around this dome of mine for a while.  It’s about a topic that is pretty much almost taboo to talk about in certain circles and will definitely get arguments going with most as well.  That topic is pregnancy and the decision to terminate said pregnancy.  After reading a blog post by one of my favorite follows about praying in front of their local Planned Parenthood location, I started to think about why I haven’t been brave enough to do so myself.  In searching for an answer, I guess I can boil it down to not wanting to cause a scene even though it is for a great cause, and I’m just generally non-confrontational in all respects of the word.  I have strong personal beliefs about things, but I really make an effort to try to not push any agenda, lifestyle, etc on other people.  I know it may seem cowardly to some of you who may read this knowing that, but you know what?  That’s ok with me.

With all of that said, the main point of it all is that this got me thinking about just how tragic abortion really is.  I’ll be honest, in my earlier days I was all for the personal choice that people would make to end a pregnancy.  Honestly, I was just too young to comprehend the true meaning of it.  Let’s call it what it is.  It’s legal murder, y’all.  You’re ending a life by committing the act.  Nobody ever actually thinks of it that way.  The usual excuses are things like “oh, it wouldn’t be fair to raise a child in this world.” Or “I just can’t afford another child.” Etc… Truth is, if that’s so, then give the child up for adoption.   I know it may be easier said than done, but to just kill a child because it doesn’t fit into your life’s plan just sucks.  You know what else sucks, having to be reminded that people terminate pregnancies is the fact that there are people like me who will probably never have children of their own for one reason or another and would do nearly anything to have one.  How messed up is that, right?  It just breaks my heart.  At least with me, I have my life to blame for my problems.  I just haven’t found the mother of my children and chances are I probably never will, but there are plenty of married couples who try and try for children with no luck, yet there are countless women going to clinics every day killing their kids.  It just sucks.  I know, nobody said life would be fair, but things need to be done to stop this unfairness.  It can and should be stopped.

Anyway, more to come another day, my friends.  Stay safe out there in this crazy world of ours!

Getting At It

Good morning y’all!  I’ve been thinking about a question lately.  What motivates you?  And what are you motivated to do?  Without even knowing it, I find myself motivated to be better in many different ways by many different things every day.  These things have changed over the years, actually.  As of now, and lately come to think of it, I’ve been motivated to live a generally better life by a few different factors.

First thing, and this has actually been on ongoing thing throughout my entire adult life, I’ve been motivated to live the best Christian life that I can thanks to my ever growing knowledge of my Catholic faith.  There’s not a day that goes by that I’m not either reading articles from the various councils throughout history, or a church doctor, etc. about my faith OR I’m listening to one of my 3 favorite shows on ETWN Radio (being Called to Communion [which I recommend to any non-Catholic AND Catholic alike], Open Line Monday & Thursday, and Catholic Answers Live).  I’ve learned so much and am still eager to learn about how to become a better Christian and a better overall person.  All of us can improve.  Nobody is perfect.

The second thing that I get motivated about is my health, specifically my weight.  Ever since the age of 7, I’ve had a weight problem.  I don’t really know what changed from that age, but it’s been something I’ve been trying to get a hold of for the better part of 15 or so years.  I had a great run about 6 years ago where I was well on my way to get down to my goal weight and got down to my lowest weight ever as an adult.  I messed it up by rewarding myself a bit too much, then going through personal situations and before I knew it, I was worse off than when I really decided to be serious about losing weight.  I always wanted to get back to that feeling of craving doing an hour or more on The Arc Trainer at the gym and seeing the number on the scale decrease every week, but I just let the good times take over.  It was only until I really maxed out in December of 2017 that I decided to say no more AGAIN and get myself back on track.  I had a 12 month kinda warm up, but I’ve really ramped it up this month and have gained that hunger, desire, and craving to get on that Arc Trainer every day and spend an hour doing cardio.  It’s gotten so good that I’m actively shunning cheat meals; cheat moments all together come to think of it.  I don’t want to get derailed for anything, and I’m feeling great about it.  I’ve already lost 15 pounds this month and each one of those pounds has motivated me to push even harder to get down to that lowest adult weight and break through that and get down to my goal weight.  It’s all motivated by the way my clothes are fitting, the way the numbers on the scale go down, and the way I mentally feel about it.  I feel awesome and I want to maintain that feeling.

The last thing I feel motivated about is my status amongst loved ones.  I have people that I care about and they motivate me to be a better person too.  I know that may sound strange to say that it takes another person or other people to make you want to improve, but it’s true in my case.  I have things to look forward to and the desire to be the best version of me that I can be motivates me to want to be better every day.

What motivates you?  Are you even motivated?  Or am I even weirder than I already knew I was?

Have an awesome rest of the week, friends!