i’m still alive

Hey y’all!!!  I’m still alive!  I’m planning an update soon!  well, aside from this short update.  You know what i mean!

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thoughts i had today

I haven’t put my thoughts to pen & paper/computer word processor in a while, so bare with me.  Also, I apologize in advance if you happen to read this and decide to talk shit.  I’m not writing this for you, even though I’m publishing this.  I’m doing this for my own sanity for a lack of a better way to put it.  That, and if you are reading this, that means that you give enough of a fuck about me to be kinda curious, so bare with me.  Sometimes, I have the need to vent out my emotions and thoughts and this seems like a pretty good way to do it.  So, here goes.

 

To say that today, Mothers Day, is a pretty fucked up day for my dumb ass, is an understatement.  With my mom being gone now for nearly 4 years, today, the day she passed, and her birthday aren’t very happy days for me.  Sadly, each year that passes does not make things easier.  Funny enough, they are equally as sad.  There’s a lot of things that I wish my mom could be here to see, and well, things that I’m glad she hasn’t… like my “life reboot” last august as I’ve named it.  How hard would it have been to tell my mom that I had done absolutely nothing good in my life, I was a complete failure, and had no desire to live anymore.  Not fun, huh?  That would have broken her heart.  I guess it’s good for my living family’s sake that I sought help before I could really go through with my plans.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m still a complete fuck up, but with the help of prescribed drugs and friends, I’ve made peace with myself and I’m slowly but surely trying to get better.  As you all know, there are a lot of days that the discontent, depression, and rage blast their way out of me and take over and I turn into even more of a self loathing asshole.  I’m sorry for those times, by the way.  Honestly, I should type this shit out and try to prevent those eruptions.

 

Anyway, back to the good shit… Really, the only good thing going on right now is having friends and family around.  I was reminded of that this weekend.  I spent Friday night with my two best friends, and yesterday I got to hang out with my nephew, Little Dude.  That kid has been my guardian angel.  He’s the real reason I didn’t off myself last year.  I couldn’t leave him then.  Hell, I can’t leave him now.  He’s all I got.  Considering the fact that odds are I’m not going to have kids of my own, I’ve pretty much got him to corrupt.  Haha.  He was only 8 months old when my mom passed away and even at that young age, he knew he had to make his mother, grandfather, and uncle smile when there was no other reason to.  Truth be told, he’s never stopped.  And yes, he’s a stubborn kid, but I can’t help but to love the punk.  He had his years of despise for me for some unknown reason, but thankfully the last year or so, he’s all about wanting to hang out with me.  I love being with him.  He’s the light of my life.  He’s the reason I get up each day.  Every day I get to hang out with him is a blessing. 

 

I was reminded of that when I took care of him for a few hours yesterday and even more so when we went to visit my mom at the cemetery today.  It sucks to think that he never really got to know his grandma.  He knows who she is from pictures, but he’s still too young to realize that when he goes to this strange place full of people and music that he’s going to see the place where his mommy’s mom is buried.  He sees us cry and hug, but doesn’t know why.  He just figures that he’s gotta cheer us up somehow.  Sure enough, that’s what he did a few times today.  That kid is so silly.  Haha.  I decided to kneel down and touch my mom’s headstone and talk to him a bit, and of course I started to cry a bit because I wish my mom would have been able to see her grandson grow into the crazy kid is he now… and out of nowhere, freakin’ Little Dude picked up a fake flower and fling it over his shoulder.  I don’t know why, but the way he did it was hilarious, and there I was again smiling and laughing at this kid.  He noticed it so he kept doing it because he knew that it was cheering me up.  God bless that kid. 

 

So, there, I made a promise to my mom, like I always seem to do when I go to visit her…  I always promise her to do better with one thing or another.  My promise to her today was to be a better uncle to Ethan (that’s Little Dude’s real name.  haha!  I never call that punk by his name unless I really need him to get out of potential trouble.).  I’m going to start to take this kid out to explore different things on Saturdays.  That way he gets to see stuff, I get to bond with him more, and his roommates get a break.  It’s what my mom would want.

 

So, back to today… Today was a really strange day.  I bet there’s not very many people like me around.  Who the hell else is anti-social by nature, have lost their mother, and has no spouse/significant other to spend these made up holidays/celebratory days with?  Not very many!  I had to take advantage.  All of my friends were busy spending the day with their kids, or mothers as well as they should have.  Me?  I wanted to be left the fuck alone, and that I was.  Yeah, I felt sorry for myself.  Fuck you.  I think I have the right to, by the way!  With that said, even though I’m too broke to, I decided to go see a film to get my mind off of my self loathing, etc.  I’m glad I did.  I got things to make a meal of food out of afterwards then came home.  My ol’ man was asleep, so I hung out.  By then I was in a better mood.  Getting away from my life kinda does that.  I forget about the clusterfuck and put all my attention to things that make me happy.  It’s better than any drink or drug.  Sadly, my father and I don’t see too much of each other anymore.  That’s a long story that I don’t care to share, but when he came downstairs, I tried (in vein mind you) to tell him of my day, but he was too much in a hurry to leave and really didn’t pay attention.  Typical for me though.  Honestly, there are not too many people around that really listen to me.  It’s all good, I made myself dinner, and felt compelled to get up to my room and start to type this out.  I had no idea where it would go, but here I find myself.

 

I’m keeping that promise I made to my mom today.  As well as a few other promises I’ve told my mom I’d do.  I’m going to stick around and be a better uncle to Little Dude.  I’m going to continue getting my life straight, and most importantly, I’m going to keep on keepin’ on.  For what?  For Little Dude.  What kind of asshole would I be to leave him, right?  There’s things I still need to show him, like how NASCAR is awesome and Chevy rocks/Ford sucks, WWE is badass, trains are cool, golfing is fun, hiking and camping are an adventure, and different styles of music are all beautiful.  I may never have anything or anybody else in my life, but that’s all good.  I’ve got him and that’s fine with me.  He’s my purpose in life.  When he grows up and doesn’t need me around to help him out I can bow out and go out and lead the life of an agoraphobic.  Until then I gotta keep on keeping on.

a long winded update/thank you note

I’ve been meaning to write this blog for a while, but I always find myself to be preoccupied by one thing or another.  Anyway, I’m sure nobody reading this gives any fuck about what I write, but I feel I need to get it out anyway.

 

Slowly, I have been changing… evolving if you will.  I’ve come a long way since that Monday, July 18th, 2011 in the food court area at The Palms in Las Vegas where I nearly decided to die.  I’ll ALWAYS remember that day.  I can still go back and remember how alone, broken, empty, and dead I felt sitting there wondering why the FUCK I should even continue breathing.  It was selfish, stupid, and immature of me to think that.  So much has happened in the 8 months since then.  I got a good 2 month treatment of anti-depressants, I opened up to my true friends here in town, and I’ve twitter-befriended a lot of people that I am VERY grateful to have in my life.

 

I know I sound like a broken record saying this, but I really do feel more and more grateful each day.  I find a different reason to keep going.  The past few weeks has been family and friend oriented.  My nephew, Little Dude (that’s what I’ve called him since birth), has really started to bond with me the past few months and that really means a lot to me.  I’ve always wanted to be the uncle to him that my aunt Olivia has been to me… like a secondary parent.  Granted, that little punk has gone through his stages of baby hatred towards me, homeboy has come to realize now being 4 and a half years old that I’m there for him and love him dearly.  I had a low moment about two weeks ago and it was him that brought me out of it.  I thought, “If I fucking kill myself, then what will happen to Little Dude?  He’d be fucked!  I have a responsibility to take care of him and raise him… show that fool the ropes!  I can’t fucking leave him.  He wouldn’t remember me if I did.”

 

See, I guess the reason I brought him up first is also because I’ve come to another realization.  I’m not sad about this or anything.  I’ve actually come to have peace about it.  I’m ok with it.  The shit I’m talking about is never getting married or having children of my own.  I was that “Forever Alone” meme to the T.  It used to be a big deal to me.  I felt that by not getting married and having kids, I was somehow letting my family down.  Now?  The hell with it.  I know it’s never going to happen.  I missed that train a while ago.  Sure, it hurt for a bit, but now I’m at peace with it.  Little Dude and any other kids brother happens to pop out are all I’ll ever have.  I gotta make the most of it.  It works out great that way too, come to think about it.  I can take care of that punk, but when shit goes down I can just pass him down to mommy to take care of the dirty work!  Hahaha!  😉

 

Anyway, back on track with shit… yea.  I realized that more than likely I’m going to be alone for the rest of my days.  After that became apparent, I started planning as I often do.  I came up with a 5 or so year plan.  Thanks to my many fuck ups, it’s going to take this long to really get back on my feet.  When I do, things are going to happen fast.  Actually, things are already moving.  As you may have noticed, I’ve become quite the outdoorsman.  Why the fuck I didn’t start this earlier, I have no idea, but it’s my true calling.  Being out in nature is so soothing to my soul.  I get a better high than any delicious beer could have EVER given me.  It’s so therapeutic to be out in the mountains, hiking… looking at all the curiosities in the environment come together.  Ok, now I’m sounding like some sort of fucking shithead hippie, but for real, being out there is changing me.  Aside from being poisoned a few weeks ago at practice, the one beer I had at Twinkie McMeatwhistle’s birthday bash, a few I had during the Daytona 500, and the 3 I had at Gonzo’s last night, I haven’t drank any booze.

 

I don’t miss it at all.  As a matter of fact, the crazy dream I tweeted about the other day said so!  Well, according to Gonzo.  I tend to agree with him.  That escape that I would seek and get from the hooch is being replaced with natural highs.  Golfing, swimming, hiking, and in a few weeks camping… it’s those things that are making me happy.  Doing those things with the people I love, cherish, and hold dear to me are healing my broken body, mind, and soul.  I don’t need the alcohol anymore.  It’s such a great feeling.  Hell, losing the weight I’m losing is also helping me.

 

So, yea.  Part of the 5 year plan involves cutting my drinking down dramatically, and dedicating at least my Saturdays to doing something or things outdoors.

 

The other main goal I have in my 5 year plan is to buy a house.  I’m really super fucked in debt right now and although I see that pinhead of light when I look up, I know it’s going to take 4-5 years to climb my dumb ass out of the abyss that I threw myself into.  When I do get out of this hole, however, I’ll finally be able to get the fuck outta here, and buy a house of my own.  I can’t wait for that day.  I’m going to continue leading a very simple and quiet life, but only then I’ll be outta my ol’ man’s way.  I’ve changed to become a different person than he is.  Well, honestly, we’ve never been too similar aside from our love of sports, but otherwise, we are completely different people.  I really don’t give a fuck about TV, I love to spend time with friends, and I am open about my feelings.  He is the polar opposite with all of those things.  It’s created a little friction on my part and honestly, I can’t continue to conform to make him happy.  That’s not my job anymore.  When I get my house, sure I’ll have a cool TV and a good surround sound system for when I watch films, both forms of football, baseball, and most importantly, NASCAR… but I doubt I’ll really put too much use into it outside of that.  I’ve got too many other things to do that are taking the place of that.  I’ll still be going to the gym, I want to read more books, I want to listen to more podcasts, I want to listen to more music… hell, I even enjoy just having peace and quiet in the dark.  I don’t need to be distracted by mindless TV.  When I’m not doing any of that, I’m sure I’ll be out in the great outdoors.  It’ll be fun.

 

Speaking of fun, I can’t wait for the next two weeks to pass.  Our group of outdoor madness that we call Roadshow Mary Magdalene is taking our first group camping trip.  Needless to say, I’ve gone a bit nuts with anticipation for our first group overnight event.  I’ve already gotten fully prepared two weeks ahead of time.  Granted, my work and gym schedule will not allow me to prepare closer to the event, I still find it pretty crazy that I’m ready to go as of now.  I know that I’m not the only one all pumped up to go, and that makes me even more excited.  It should be a lot of fun.  I’m sure I’m going to take a shitload of pictures and perhaps I will have to make a picture blog documenting all of it.

 

So, as I end this long rant, I’d like to tell anybody that reads this… thank you.  In one way or another, you’ve saved me.  You make me happy that I’m still here.  My life is great.  Hell, it’s getting better every day.  I can’t wait to see what the future has in store for me.  Just know that you’ve touched my life and I love you dearly for that.

Dream

I know it’s been forever since I’ve blogged, but I keep forgetting about the shit I want to talk about, or I just simply don’t have the time to type out my thoughts, well, until now.  I was in some sort of awesome mood when I woke up for some crazy reason.  It could have been because I slept for about 9 hours or so, or could have been because it didn’t hurt too bad to walk on my fucked up left foot (that shit didn’t last too long, by the way, but it’s getting better), but in either case I started to think of what a perfect day for me would entail.  It was quite crazy.  I was noticing that one of the only things that make me truly happy is daydreaming.  I find myself daydreaming a lot.  Mainly, it’s all about how I wish my life could be… pretty much retired with the freedom to do what I want when I want.  I wonder… how many other people daydream like that or as often as I do?  Is my life actually that bad?  I mean, it’s not freakin’ awesome by any stretch, but it’s not as bad as it could be.  Nevertheless, I find myself lost in this imaginary world where I am always happy.  It’s tripped out.

Today, my daydream was my perfect day.  It would start with me hitting up one of my favorite golf courses to hit some balls off the driving range or actually play a round, then from there do some laps in a pool, then after that hit up the gym and rock out some cardio, then finally spend the rest of the day watching films and listening to podcasts.  This perfect day of course is on the condition that I stay in the immediate area of far west Texas / southern New Mexico.  I’m sure I could think of awesome things to do in my other favorite cities, but I kept this mornings’ daydream to my area today.  The other thing I was thinking about was how active I have really become and want to do.  Granted, I’ve been golfing (or attempting to golf) for about 6 or so years now, but a lot of the things that bring me joy involve being outdoors.  Swimming, golfing, walking, boating… what the hell?!  I hardly ever watch TV anymore.  Not that I ever really did, but I’d much rather read a book or do any of the sports that I mentioned above over watching a mindless TV program.

What the hell is wrong with me?  Wait a minute, fellow Needles, don’t answer that.

I think i’m losing my mind

Well, curiosity has gotten the better of me as of late.  I want to see if I can look like a severe health issue struck me, much like it did with Reverend Gonzo once upon a time.  I’ve already been going to the gym consistently since around October, with the exception of the few days before and after Thanksgiving, the same for Christmas, and when my POS back decided to be a bastard 2 weeks ago.  I’ve also been attempting (not well, mind you) to rock out a low carb diet, as this is the method that has worked with me to lose the weight.  Now, I’ve added another instrument in this experiment of mine.  I’m using the MyFitnessPal app on my Vibrant.  For those that don’t have this thing, it’s pretty insane.  This app tracks your meals of food, water consumption, as well as any cardio work and strength work that you do.  It does some more shit too, but overall, this damn thing is quite evil.  I’m sure this is definitely going to help me out, and with the use of this madness, I can’t wait to really put boots to asses, as Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson says it.

So, here’s the plan… My day is going to start at around 3:35am, I’m going to show up at the gym by 4am, rock out 30 minutes on the elliptical, get home, eat a meal of breakfast food, get ready for work, at lunch walk 30 minutes, then after work do 20-30 more minutes of elliptical and add some weights.  Sounds like I got hit too hard upside my dome, huh?  Not only that, but I bet you’re wondering what the f word is making me do this…

Well, I’ll tell you this.  It’s a mixture of two things.  Spaceballs 2 is one of them.  I’m going to be joining up with a weight loss contest at my ol’ man’s workplace that will pay me a gangload of cash money for losing the most.  Secondly, I’m pretty curious to see how I look like a twink.  ROTFL!  Ok, I fucked myself up with that shit, but seriously.  I haven’t been thin and whatnot since I was around 7 years old.  That was 24 years ago.  That’s a long time to fuck around.  I figure it’s about time to see how many people I can terrify when they see me again for the first time, much like what happened to me with Gonz those few years ago. 

So, with that said, I’m going to start my journey in honest starting today.  I have to take it easy at the gym as we’re going to play a show tomorrow night, but I’m already planning on making up for it by doing at least 30 minutes on the elliptical on Saturday and Sunday.   I’m also sorry to make this blog entry as a fucking fat club, biggest loser, whatever you wanna call it blog, but I thought I might as well talk my shit here so that you can bust my bawls if you find me fucking up on this schedule.

What do you think?  Am I insane?

Welcome to the REAL world

So, Lunchbox, T.W. McMeatwhistle, and I were at the gym this afternoon, as been the usual lately, when T.W. and I filled in the conversation we were having at work about playing at a venue here in town to Lunchbox, it was brought up that I am a Negative Nancy/Debbie Downer.  Of course, in quick fashion, I cooked up a response as per my custom, and attempted to explain myself.  It didn’t go over so well, or rather it fell on deaf ears.  See, what some people perceive as being negative, I see as being a realist and seeing shit for what it is.  Call me crazy, but this is not a happy world we live in.  Life sucks.  That’s the fuckin’ truth, my friends.  I don’t see how some people can’t see it.

 

I will admit, some people have it pretty fuckin’ sweet.  I’m not going to be dumb and say they don’t, but the majority of people aren’t so lucky.  I happen to be at the bottom of the barrel of the unlucky.  That’s the way I see it, because that’s the way it is.  Why bullshit myself?  I have too many examples to count to back up my argument.  It does nothing but cause more pain when reality comes knocking to remind myself of the reality that is life.  I hope you don’t take what I’m saying like I’m suicidal again or that I’m feeling sorry for myself and want pity.  That’s not it.  I’m just saying that I know my place in this world.  I’m not a leader.  I don’t think I inspire anybody, nor do I want anybody to blow shit up my ass and try to inspire me.  I keep my head down, and keep on moving.  I see things for what they are.  If that means I don’t try and pretend that something will happen if I hope hard enough, then so be it.  I’ve learned ten times over… fuck hope.  LOL.  Funny to me, and true.  Again, I’m just going through with the motions and trying to keep in the shadows.  I know my place.  I just try and use the time I have and bury myself in the things that make me happy.  Stuff like music, podcasts, movies, daydreaming about things I’ll never have, and lusting to holiday in my favorite places keep me happy… not the hand that was dealt to me in this world.  I suppose that’s how I bullshit myself now that I think about it.  Who knows?  Maybe I’m the idiot.

starting again just to fail in the future

Have you ever actually noticed or cared about the difference between want and need?  I never really had until talking with my sibling yesterday.  We’re both fucked in the cash flow department and essentially the shit really came down to wants and needs.  Sure, there are a lot of things I want, but there are more important things that I need and thanks to the things I’ve wanted and gotten, I’m fucked now with the things I need.  Ain’t that about a bitch? 

Last night kinda opened my eyes to start fresh again… with everything.  I’m done spending bullshit money.  Hell, aside from my birthday celebration, I’ve already been doing that for months now.  I have no choice.  I have to start doing this shit to dig myself out of the nice hole I’ve dug for myself yet again.  Good thing for me, I’ve grown older and somewhat wiser.  I really don’t go to bars anymore.  In fact, I can honestly say I fucking hate the idea more than I used to when I would go to them.  Why the hell am I going to spend a shitload of money to get drunk, be around assholes I can’t stand (hipsters, douchebags, popular people, mexi-guidos, etc…), and listen to shit “music”, when I can have a way better time buying booze cheaper, staying at home, listening to music I deem to be good, and if I get wasted I’m already home.  Can’t beat that shit, if you ask me.  Then again, I’ve always been like that.  I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again.  Aside from when I hit up Phoenix and/or Vegas, I’m pretty much an antisocial hermit.

This brings me back to wants/needs… As I was talking to brother (she’s actually my sister, but I call her brother.  Long story) about the bad ass Tony Lama boots I saw at the factory outlet that thought that we had just talked about hit me.  Sure, I want those boots, but do I need them?  No.  Furthermore, when the fuck would I wear them?!  I don’t fuckin’ go anywhere.  By choice, I don’t, by the way.  I’d buy them just for my own enjoyment.  To say that I have them, I guess.  In short, that’s a stupid reason to buy something like that.  I guess I could wear them to work and show up Twinkie McMeatwhistle.  LOL.  But, no… I don’t think I’ll get them.  Instead, I’m going to get back to righting this fucked up proverbial ship of mine again.

It’s nothing but a struggle with me.  In the immortal words of one Calvin Cordozar Broadus, Jr. “If it ain’t one thing, it’s the muthafuckin’ other…”  Once I try and get back on a good financial footing, I find a way to fuck up.  I start going to the gym, and without fail, some part of my body breaks down and I have to stop going, but I pick up the bad habits that make me have to work twice as hard there.  It’s frustrating.  I’m stuck in this vicious circle, but for some dumb reason, I keep trying to fight out of it.

Now, my resolve is to get back to the gym starting today… fuck my dumb back.  I don’t give a fuck if it’s sore, or in pain, or whatever.  I have to go back.  My other resolve is to not spend as much money on bullshit that I don’t NEED.  I think I’m going to do good… at least I hope to.  And hell, if not, I’ll be sure to be bitching about it here… where nobody but myself reads this shit.