Hey y’all. Oh man. I didn’t want to blog before posting my trip across the country blog post, but I feel I need to let this out somewhere where I won’t be judged with what I’m feeling before it starts eating me alive and really starts messing with me.
Here it is.
I’m done. Like really done with everybody right now. I woke up in a F everybody mood today and I’m having a very hard time hiding it. I’m tired of adjusting my schedule for everybody else’s needs and doing things I don’t want to do just to please others. I don’t feel like talking to anybody, seeing anybody, or doing anything right now either. If it were up to me, I’d be locked up in my apartment right now with the phone possibly even shut off. That’s how bad it is. What a time for it too, right? Christmas Eve is in 3 days and I’m going to have to go to my family get together thing, but I’ll tell you right now that I don’t even want to do that, nor do I want to leave my house on Christmas day to go to my dad’s house. F ALL of that. I just want to stay home and be left alone. These are the times where I feel sorry for myself for not standing up for myself to say “Lookit. I’m just not in the mood. Even for you guys. I’m just going to stay home. Don’t call me, don’t text me, nothing. Just leave me alone. I don’t know everything that’s wrong with me right now, but I just need to go away for a while. Take it easy.” Of course, I’m too weak to do that, so I’ll go and dream of the things I’d rather be doing alone instead and feel sorry for myself all over again. Nobody understands and I don’t expect them to. I just wish I could feel better about it and just snap out of it, but I know it won’t happen.
Ugh. Time to try and continue to hide my negative feelings and get through the rest of the day until I’ll be able to get home, lock the door, and get back to doing me. Maybe, since I won’t be able to watch my Christmas movie marathon on the days I really want to, Christmas Eve and day thanks to those family obligations I just mentioned, I’ll just do it tonight. To hell with it. Why not. Maybe that might cheer me up. I might just put my phone on silent and leave it in my room too, as to not be bothered with the twitter and Instagram updates I see from people. Just worry about pleasing myself for once. We’ll see.