Future’s End

Salutations, y’all!  I hope you are having a great day.  As I write this, it is December 6, 2018.  Yesterday, a State funeral was held for our 41st president, George H.W. Bush.  Now, I’m not going to get into politics because well A) I can’t, and B) I don’t really want to share my personal political beliefs and frankly I don’t want to hear yours, so I won’t do it.  The one thing I do want to say though, is leaving politics aside, from most accounts George H.W. Bush was an awesome dude.  He was a funny, kind, caring, loving person who put family first and didn’t take himself too seriously.

I had the opportunity to see the entire funeral yesterday and I was just struck by it all.  The reverence that Washington, D.C. showed towards this man was moving in itself.  The eulogies were moving, and I was surprised at just how Novus Ordo Catholic the Episcopal service was, or maybe surprised/saddened at how much the Mass of Pope Paul VI was protestant in its nature.  In any event, the thing that moved me the most was President George W. Bush’s eulogy of his father.  As has been discussed at length over time, President Bush (43) is an emotional man, as was his late father.  What I knew but didn’t think I needed to hear, however, was just how much he meant to him.

Let me backtrack a bit.  Even before he mentioned that, another thing struck me.  “The idea is to die young as late as possible.”  Man, how true is that phrase, right?!  I mean, really?  I know I just spoke of this a few blogs ago about me being too grown up to play with my nephews and now that quote.  That’s so true.  Do young people things and you won’t grow old, man.  It’s as simple as that!  Then another thing, when President Bush mentioned that his father made sure to cherish the gift of life and live each day to the fullest thanks to his two brushes with death early on in his life struck another chord with me thanks to my near suicide attempt 7+ years ago.  Yes, my brush with death was self-inflicted, but it was a brush nonetheless.  After those few dark days, I purged the darkness and let light flood me and I made sure to shine that light on those whom I love and cherish to this day.  Some people think that I’m putting on an act, like I’m really some sort of a jerk, but honestly I’m not.  I’m always trying to go out of my way to help my friends in need if I can, let them know that I am there for them, even if it’s just an ear beating they need to unleash to a waiting person.  That’s what I do best.  I hope my friends know that.

The things that got me, however, was President Bush speaking about how great of a father President Bush was, giving unconditional love even when his kids tested his patience.  It got me to think about two things.

First off, I thought of my parents.  I know I put my parents though some things in my teenage through mid-20s years, and even though I had sort of “Come to Jesus” talks with them, they knew that I knew I messed up.  They didn’t need to tell me that I was messing up.  But not once did I feel they gave up on me or didn’t care.  If I think about it hard enough, I can go back to the handful of times I hurt my mom and even though we have a deep love for each other, sometimes I feel like I never actually got the chance to let her know just how much it pained me to have been an idiot and made her feel bad.  I know it’s too late now, as she’s passed away, but I would hope to think that she knows now just how bad I feel for my mistakes in my youth.  As far as my dad goes, we have a great relationship.  There’s nothing on my end that I need to tell him that he doesn’t already know.  I don’t know what his expectations were of me when I was born 38 years ago, but I hope he knows that I’ve tried my best at everything I’ve set out to do.  He taught me a lot and I love him.

The second thing that I thought about as President Bush continued to eulogize his father was that I wondered about legacy and the things we’ll leave behind when we die.  I know, it may sound morbid to some people, but death is something that none of us can avoid.  We all have to think about it.  In giving that some thought, I wonder what I’m going to leave behind.  As it stands now, not much.  I mean, I have this visual record of my last 7 years writing down my thoughts about the good and bad in my life.  I also have the 2 recordings I made with my band that will live on forever.  I have the memories that will live on with my friends and family as well.  But the one thing that, as of this writing, won’t go on will be any legacy of children.  I’m one of those weirdos who actually wants to be married and have children.  I want to raise children to follow in the faith in Jesus Christ as I do, to love everybody unconditionally, to be that kind soul that a friend or family member may need from time to time, to not care about worldly possessions, to appreciate the arts, everything that I love and stand for.  As of now, that is probably never going to happen.  It hurts, but you know what?  That’s ok too.  Let God’s will be done.  The thing that worries me though is who is going to bury me and give me the proper Catholic Traditional Latin Rite rosary, requiem Mass, and burial?  I’ll have nobody to trust to ensure that happens as it stands now and honestly that scares me.  My soul won’t be at rest with some sort of protestant “service” *insert nauseous chills here* or some sort of offensive guitar/percussion music filled novus ordo Mass at a protestant looking Catholic Church either.

I don’t know.  Maybe I’m over thinking it.  But I do like to know at least of a few things that will eventually happen in my future.  Perhaps I should start looking into preparing my funeral arrangements to ensure that what I need, I’ll get.  I know it may sounds nuts considering my age, but the future is never guaranteed for any of us.  Might as well make sure your last wishes are respected while you still can plan them out.

Until next blog, y’all!

3 thoughts on “Future’s End”

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