Salutations y’all! We’ve made it to another week. This is going to be my last normal week until God knows when, so I’m going to try and make it a good one. If I can type honestly though, my week started off pretty poorly. Actually, the feeling that I was sliding back down the depressive turn showed up late last week, Friday to be exact. After a great conversation with the heterosexual lifemate, I remembered of a realization I had about myself that I think in some ways hinders me. That one thing is my strong dislike of failure. I’ve had it all of my life. I was brought up to have the mentality to always succeed in everything that I do and it only took continually getting picked last in the playground because I was first short (I still am), then after the age of 7 fat. I stood little chance at kid life. Instead of trying to persevere, I took the easy way out and just didn’t bother with any of it and I found that I was fine doing my own thing. Now, don’t get me wrong… I had a lot of friends in elementary school, but I just never really engaged in playground games much because most of the time as I’d be one of the last ones picked. The only reason I wouldn’t be picked last was usually because I was a pretty good toadie to the bullies, but they knew better than to rely on me to win whatever games they decided to play.
Fast forward to my early twenties up to the present, I’ve found that nothing really has changed since then. That notion of not wanting to fight for whatever I believed in or whatever just got stronger. That feeling has gone across the board, actually. All it took was a few fun rejections from potential romantic interests to make me learn the lesson of “F THAT! I’m never putting myself in that position to feel humiliated like that again. NO thank you.” That’s never gone away. And friendships? The ones that I have gotten since post high school have just been organic, for a lack of a better term. I didn’t feel like there was any work involved to maintain these connections. Some of my dearest friends whom I love dearly have come about since then and all organically. More on this in a bit. Lastly, I’ve found that I really hate games. I’m not talking about the things people do to each other, well, I guess that too, but I’m talking about board games, card games, trivia games, etc. I LOATHE them. What’s the reason, you may ask? Same thing. I can’t stand to lose. If I know the probability of me losing is high, f it! I don’t do it. There’s nothing worse than feeling bad for no other reason but supposed entertainment in my opinion. Man, I’ll even go as far as to say that one of my bigger annoyances is drinking games. What the hell, people? I like to drink and have no objective to it. I don’t need to play a stupid game that forces me to take a shot of whatever liquor I may be downing just because I goofed on something. No, I take my drinking seriously.
I digress. All this really came to me in a negative wave on Saturday. See, Saturdays for me have now become my true day of rest. That’s the only day of the week where I don’t wake up to an alarm and if I did the rest of the week right, I won’t have to leave my house for anything unless I want to venture out, and that rarely happens. All I want to do is just relax, sleep, and do as little as possible on Saturdays. Added to that though, as for the norm lately, I’ve felt like trying to maintain my interpersonal relationships a bit more and let people know that I value them in my life with my free time on Saturdays. What I’m finding, however, is that nobody seems to have the time for me. I know, selfish me, right? But more so than the fact that people don’t have time for me, I feel more like I’m just a burden on people. That sucks. All this makes me wish I could go back in time to last January or February when everything was still going right in my world. I was left alone, I didn’t try, and I was happy. Now? Not so much. I’m tired of a lot in my world. I’m tired of needing an outlet and nobody giving a damn. (i.e. “Oh! How was your day?” *I start talking about my day* “STFU! You talk too much! UGH!”) I’m tired of giving a damn for people who don’t care about me, no matter how much they say otherwise. I just want things to go back to normal where I go to sleep at the time that I want to go to sleep. I want to not to think if anybody is thinking about me like I am them. I want my time off to be filled with joy and not depression. I think I’m done showing myself to people in the real world. It’s just too painful, there is no winning it in, and honestly I’m just better off by myself.