Passed Over

Hey y’all!  I hope your weekend was restful.  It’s hard for me to believe that October is already halfway through.  I’m so excited for the continuing change of seasons and the holidays to be here.  I got a little bit of a sneak preview here over the weekend and into today with a very rainy, cloudy day on Friday and cloudy day on Saturday.  It was nice to have cool temperatures and overcast skies for once.  I actually ventured out on Saturday afternoon to do a few things.  I went to get a new reed diffuser and felt really out of place at the joint I went to get it at.  I think I was the only male there that either wasn’t working there or wasn’t dragged there by their significant other.  It made me feel a little out of place, well more than I usually feel.  After that victorious trip, I made my way over to the Cathedral in town to confess, and I confess that I was about two weeks late on confessing, and made my way back home to get laundry done.  I spent the evening playing a video game online with friends on PlayStation 4 then ended it watching part of the great film Blade Runner 2049 before I found myself passed out on my couch.  It was definitely a full day.  Sunday brought along Low Mass, a great talk with a friend of mine whom I haven’t seen in about a month, and a full day of NFL games and the NASCAR race from Talladega (which is one of my favorite tracks on the circuit).

For as much as it was a great and relaxing weekend, I found that I was feeling a little… what’s the word… forgotten.  It has occurred to me that I am the only person in my circle of people who isn’t doing something every second of the day.  To go along with that, I tend to only get conversed with whenever it’s convenient for the other person to reach out to me and now it’s starting to bother me.  I feel like going Sith Lord with it actually and start questioning why I bother trying to maintain relationships with people anyway, especially those whom I feel are more than just a “oh I can make them laugh, so they keep me around” people.  Now, I know I’m the awkward one and the difficult one by not wanting to spend every free minute of my life at some stupid bar, club, event, whatever, but that’s because I don’t feel the need to be around people so much and especially at places like that.  I want to be at a place with people whom I can have those connections that go deeper than just the surface and the small talk subject points to hit on.  Every time I feel like I’ve found a new person like my best friends are to me where we talk about real things that matter to us, I get brushed aside as if I didn’t even exist at all.  Sure, I try and initiate the conversation but only a few times until I feel like I’m bothering said person then I stop.  There’s a beautiful image that I saved on my phone a few days ago that pretty much describes how I feel.  It says:

“INFJ:  I automatically stop trying when I feel unwanted.  I won’t reach out to you if it’s not being reciprocated.  I don’t beg.”

I don’t beg, but I sure do get annoyed with the whole thing.  I know that I care too much about the people in my life.  What’s annoying to me is that they don’t care back.  It’s a strange thing.  Even my best friends are like that, but we have a different kind of relationship.  I know they are around and we’ve known each other so long that we can go periods without talking, or in the case of one of them, I see them almost every day, so we never lose touch and always have something to talk about.  I know it’s my fault for wanting more than a “oh, this dude is cool to hang around with when we’re at the (insert place outside of your domicile here)”, but I can’t help it.  Large crowds drain me and so does having to be at a damn public place all the freakin’ time.  What’s so bad about having a cup of coffee, bottle of water, whatever other beverage while we sit and talk about what really matters every now and again?  I love having conversations like that with my friends.  It’s what I crave.

Maybe I’m too real for people who don’t really know me.  I know for sure that I’m way too lame because I don’t need to be out somewhere doing something.  I always wonder what’s so bad about these people’s homes that they have to spend every waking minute out of it.  LOL.  That’s totally not me.  It’s hard for me to understand people like that.  Oddly enough, my old man is one of this people that I trip out over.  Grandma and I always talk about how crazy it is that my dad can never just stay home and relax.  Dude always has to be somewhere else, yet he says he’s tired a lot.  Go figure.  Don’t get me wrong, though.  I’m not a complete shut in.  I like to go to the occasional place.  I’ll hit up the pictureshows to watch a film!  I’d love to hit up a park and kick it there and talk gazing at the beauty that God gave us as it surrounds us.  I love to kick rocks and go to bigger cities around me and explore them.  I love to visit museums and National Parks and not just do a fast walk through, but to actually stop, read, and learn about things in them and enjoy the experience.

Maybe I keep looking in the wrong places for people to share this experience we call life with.  Maybe I’m just too damn weird.  I don’t think I’ll ever know, and stupidly I’m going to keep the door open for people to take me for granted.  It’s the least I could do.

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