Something else I don’t understand: motivation tapes. Motivation books. What happened here? Suddenly everybody needs to be motivated? It’s a fairly simple thing. Either you want to do something or you don’t. What’s the big mystery? Besides, if you’re motivated enough to go the store to buy a motivation book, aren’t you motivated enough to do that? So you don’t need the book! Put it back. Tell the clerk, “Fuck you! I’m motivated! I’m going home! I’m going home.”
I need to lean on George a little more, man. I’ve been having a problem lately involving motivation. Motivation to do pretty much anything, to be honest. I’m feeling mentally burnt out and I can’t pinpoint what it is that is causing it or what exactly can bring me out of it. Maybe it’s the fact that I still feel like I’ve been overexposed to the outside world and haven’t gotten enough time holed up in my apartment away from the outside world. Maybe it’s the opposite and I need to surround myself with my friends a bit. I don’t know. Personally, I’d choose the first option. I think that I just don’t get enough time to myself. Mostly, it’s my fault. I’m always putting others’ needs in front of my own. Nobody really understands that I just need to be left alone the majority of the time. I know that sounds selfish and mean of me, but it’s something that I have really discovered even more in the past few months. Then again, my problem is being too empathetic to everybody else’s feelings. I don’t want to let people down or be perceived like an asshole by not going to the place I was invited to, so I always find myself stretching my sanity thin to please others. It sucks, man.
It’s really affecting me throughout my entire life now. It’s gotten to the point this week that I get home from work and I’m finding myself anxious to just get to sleep and not wake up until I have to get up to go to work in the morning. Gone is the desire to get up to get to the gym. Gone is the desire to keep up with the organization of my kitchen. Gone is any desire to do anything but just go through the motions to get to the next day. It’s not who I want to be and it’s starting to get annoying now. Maybe I should get my housework done during the week since I’m not getting up for the damn gym anyway to allow myself to have a Saturday to do nothing. If I don’t do that, maybe I should turn my phone off and do my housework and then keep the phone off all day or until I feel better later on in the day. I need something and at this point I’m grasping at anything that will help me out.