The kind that’s self-induced.
The tongue that’s bitten through.
The nauseating stab.
Is feeding what I am.
Pantera “Throes of Rejection” from the album “Far Beyond Driven” (and one of my all time favorite songs of theirs!)
Everybody claims to have been rejected at one time or another, but rarely do I come across people who have a fear of it as I do. I’ve always disliked it. The mere thought of not being accepted by another person keeps me from even approaching some people more often than not. How crazy is that, right? And I’m not just talking about potential romantic relationships, mind you, even in friendship I find myself not even asking for people to hang out with me or vice versa very often because I hate the feeling of not being wanted. I think that’s one of the worst feelings in the world, not being good enough. I’ve been indirectly told that so many times in so many different ways that I find myself not actively trying much anymore at it. Crazy, right? This topic actually came up the other day with a co-worker when we talked about it briefly. We both thought the same way about situations. We feel awkward wanting to, for a lack of a better term, inviting ourselves to hanging out with friends and at the same time find it hard to ask friends to come and spend time with us. For me, it’s all due to me not feeling like crap when I either get no response (which is rude and sucks by the way), or just as bad, getting a “nah, that’s ok.” Ouch!
With that being said, you can imagine how difficult it is for me to even pursue a romantic relationship! HAHAHAHAHA! I’m laughing now because I’m wondering how I even got involved with all of my previous ones. To make long stories short, they all just sort of happened organically. I never really had to try. Then again, with the exception of one woman, they were all very horrible, soul crushing, and heart breaking experiences. That partly explains why I’m solo deep right now. LOL. I always seem to find the women who are hell-bent on destroying my life. Makes me wonder. Am I that horrible of a person that I need to keep being destroyed from the inside out? I’d like to think that I’m not, hahaha, but history shows otherwise.
Anyway, back to this conversation from the other day. I’m wondering now, how many others are there out in this planet that are like me? Am I the anomaly? Am I the weirdo that plays things too safe? How many people willingly grab their heart, their soul, their entire being, put it in their hand and stretch out their arm to allow others to do what they please with it? Have these people not experienced emotional pain? If so, what is it that allows them to disregard the pain and throw caution to the wind? Whatever that is, I wish I had it sometimes. I’m sure that my fear of rejection has ruined chances at good friendships, good opportunities, and probably good romantic relationships. Sucks to know that, huh? Then again, I’m a believer in a greater plan. God has it all mapped out for all of us. We’re just along for the ride. What’s meant to be is meant to be. My only hope is that God puts people into my path that are accepting of my fears, including rejection.
If you are a friend of mine (in real life of course, not talking about the internet world… you people are awesome too by the way) reading this right now, I just hope you don’t take offense if I don’t ever make the first move in anything. It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just I’d rather have you initiate things. I’m way more comfortable that way. I’m putting you first. It’s just the way I am.
Peace and Love, y’all!