Forever a Clone

I'm just a clone, talking away while nobody listens

1,826 days

What were you doing 5 years ago today? I bet it’s pretty hard to remember for most everybody. I can’t be counted among you. 5 years ago today, I lost my mom to horrible complications from Lupus. It was a quick and unexpected exit as she was only admitted to the hospital a week prior to her passing. I wasn’t ready at all. I still remember bits and pieces of things that week. My loss of appetite, my lack of the need to sleep, lack of desire to care about anything else in the world… all gone. I needed to be there near my mom. Progressively, things turned from bad to worse and before we knew it, that day, 5 years ago, in the morning, we knew that that day would be her last here with us.

Nobody could believe it. I know I didn’t. How could I accept such a thing? I was just a kid. 27 years old, still messing up, trying to do the right things in life, still learning all I could from her. Why did she have to leave me then? I hadn’t accomplished anything in my life yet.

None of that mattered there in that hospital room in Lubbock. All that mattered was that her brothers and sister, my uncle’s wives, my grandparents, my pop, bro, and I were surrounding her bed, me caressing her hair telling her that I loved her as she slowly slipped away.

There was nothing I could do. This was life. We stayed a little bit longer; I slowly walked away and went outside into the setting sun to call my aunt in Albuquerque to tell her that my mom was gone. I don’t know how I did it. That was the calmest phone call I ever made. It was probably the shock.

As the days passed by, I found comfort in our Lord, Jesus Christ. If it wasn’t for me getting right with him AGAIN 4 months before, who knows what the hell I would have done. I grieved my own way, trying my best to do right and take care of my dad. Homeboy took it BAD. I felt it was up to me to keep him here. I guess you can say I did my job because he’s still here.

As for me, that journey is somewhat documented. It was and continues to be quite a journey. I’m hoping I’m honoring my mother now that I think I have finally straightened up for good this time. It’s taken 5 fast years for me really get things right in my life. I’m on the road to real financial recovery, I’ve finally gotten serious about my health, I’ve told booze to kick rocks, I found the most supportive, amazing, beautiful, and understanding person to share my journey with, and I’ve also grown my relationship with baby Jesus.

So, with all of that said, mommy, I miss you very much. You were my life. You taught me a lot and showed me how to be a great person. I think of you every day and I wish you were here to see just how far I’ve come. I couldn’t have done anything good in my life without you and your guidance. I love you.


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