Forever a Clone

I'm just a clone, talking away while nobody listens

starting again just to fail in the future

Have you ever actually noticed or cared about the difference between want and need?  I never really had until talking with my sibling yesterday.  We’re both fucked in the cash flow department and essentially the shit really came down to wants and needs.  Sure, there are a lot of things I want, but there are more important things that I need and thanks to the things I’ve wanted and gotten, I’m fucked now with the things I need.  Ain’t that about a bitch? 

Last night kinda opened my eyes to start fresh again… with everything.  I’m done spending bullshit money.  Hell, aside from my birthday celebration, I’ve already been doing that for months now.  I have no choice.  I have to start doing this shit to dig myself out of the nice hole I’ve dug for myself yet again.  Good thing for me, I’ve grown older and somewhat wiser.  I really don’t go to bars anymore.  In fact, I can honestly say I fucking hate the idea more than I used to when I would go to them.  Why the hell am I going to spend a shitload of money to get drunk, be around assholes I can’t stand (hipsters, douchebags, popular people, mexi-guidos, etc…), and listen to shit “music”, when I can have a way better time buying booze cheaper, staying at home, listening to music I deem to be good, and if I get wasted I’m already home.  Can’t beat that shit, if you ask me.  Then again, I’ve always been like that.  I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again.  Aside from when I hit up Phoenix and/or Vegas, I’m pretty much an antisocial hermit.

This brings me back to wants/needs… As I was talking to brother (she’s actually my sister, but I call her brother.  Long story) about the bad ass Tony Lama boots I saw at the factory outlet that thought that we had just talked about hit me.  Sure, I want those boots, but do I need them?  No.  Furthermore, when the fuck would I wear them?!  I don’t fuckin’ go anywhere.  By choice, I don’t, by the way.  I’d buy them just for my own enjoyment.  To say that I have them, I guess.  In short, that’s a stupid reason to buy something like that.  I guess I could wear them to work and show up Twinkie McMeatwhistle.  LOL.  But, no… I don’t think I’ll get them.  Instead, I’m going to get back to righting this fucked up proverbial ship of mine again.

It’s nothing but a struggle with me.  In the immortal words of one Calvin Cordozar Broadus, Jr. “If it ain’t one thing, it’s the muthafuckin’ other…”  Once I try and get back on a good financial footing, I find a way to fuck up.  I start going to the gym, and without fail, some part of my body breaks down and I have to stop going, but I pick up the bad habits that make me have to work twice as hard there.  It’s frustrating.  I’m stuck in this vicious circle, but for some dumb reason, I keep trying to fight out of it.

Now, my resolve is to get back to the gym starting today… fuck my dumb back.  I don’t give a fuck if it’s sore, or in pain, or whatever.  I have to go back.  My other resolve is to not spend as much money on bullshit that I don’t NEED.  I think I’m going to do good… at least I hope to.  And hell, if not, I’ll be sure to be bitching about it here… where nobody but myself reads this shit.


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